The Icing On The Cake

It started on April Fools Day. 

It was supposed to be thirty days, but it stretched to sixty.

Sixty days weren't enough, so I decided to push myself harder than ever. I decided to try for 100 classes in 100 days. 

Along the way there was good, bad, and ugly. Days where I felt wonderful, and days where I just wanted to give up. Seventeen doubles. A wardrobe malfunction. Holidays to work around. A stomach virus. Seven classes in the final five days. 

Somehow, I made it to July 9. 

Class 100. 

Had to work that day. Hustled home, grabbed my gear and headed to the studio. I wanted to get there as early as I could before the 4:30 class. I walked into the studio and was welcomed with cheers and applause. I had invited the staff and some friends to join me, and those that could attend were already there. I asked our instructor, "Now I get fans on demand, right?"

"Yeah, we'll see about that..." 

I went in early and stretched and found myself nervous. I couldn't wait for this to start. One of my work study partners, Su, set up close by and gave me a thumbs up. She was on day 29 of her 30-day challenge. 

The instructor started class by announcing my accomplishment, and away we went. It was so beautiful! There was so much positive energy in the room. I was calm and focused. It was a watershed class because for the first time ever, all in one class:

I kicked out both legs in Standing Head-to-Knee. 

I held all four Standing Bows without falling out. 

I held all four Triangles without falling out. 

I cannot tell you what that means to me! In April, this was unthinkable. Now it has actually happened. Feels really good!

Even in the poses I couldn't fully execute, there was progress. I still can't get my hands under my heels in Hands-to-Feet, but I'm soooo close. One of my most troublesome poses is Standing Separate Leg Stretching, where you straddle the mat, bend from the waist, grab each heel, and try to touch the forehead to the floor. I'm nowhere near close to doing it, but I'm finally getting my hands from my calves to my heels. On the floor, Locust and Rabbit are the toughest, but there is progress. 

I had worked so hard while standing, I had to dial it back a bit on the floor, but I think I only sat out one set. After the final breathing exercise, there was more applause and some very kind words from our instructor. I lay in Savasana with a huge smile. 

After a shower, I walked back to the lobby. My friend Andres (holder of the studio record 390 days) said there was a gift. I found that he had supplied a large Tres Leches Cake adorned with the studio logo. It was ridiculously good. It was also quite large, so much so that I left it there to share with the 6:30 class. In lieu of champagne, Su gave me a bottle of Sparkling Cider (like myself, she has given up alcohol). From the staff, I got a gift card from the juice bar next door. Their fresh pressed juices are fabulous and I can't wait to get one! It was overwhelming and I was quite touched. I went home on Cloud Nine. 

My challenge was officially over, but there was one more box to tick. I had told Su that I would practice with her on the final day of her challenge. July 10 marked her 30th and final day, so there I was at 5:30AM to help her cross the finish line. She accomplished so much and it was fun to be a part of. She says she was inspired to do a challenge by watching myself and my other work study partner do challenges. I'm very proud of both of them. 

So, it was supposed to be just thirty days. 

It ended up at 101 days. 

I wouldn't trade it for the world. 

Namaste. 

The Grinder

It hurts.

EVERYTHING hurts.

Knees. Hips. Shoulders. Back. Front. Teeth. Hair.

It. All. Hurts.

I could go back and recount each class but that would bore you. And me.

Let's just say that I'm in the grinder, and I'm being chewed up.

There is no rhyme or reason to it. One class is OK, the next I'm flat on my back and questioning my sanity.
Questioning my practice.
Questioning my life.
Questioning everything.

Add to that the fact that I was unable to take class for two days in a row. Now I've got 17 days to do the last 20 classes.

Some highlights:

Class 33: No water, no lunch. Yet, I walk in with the feeling I'm going to kick ass. Instead, I'm down for the count at Triangle.

Class 34: Took the 5:30AM. Somehow I manage to get my hands behind my feet in H2K!

Class 35: Bad night all around. Instructor sets up in front of me and warms up by doing perfect handstands one after another. Surrounded by really good students who outclass me. I was the flabby, pale guy surrounded by toned, fit, healthy yogis. No confidence or will power. I was toast before Triangle. Yes, I know I'm only supposed to focus on myself but sometimes it is impossible -- especially when everyone is doing a perfect Balancing Stick and I'm standing there with hands on hips, gasping for air.

Balancing Stick Pose

(That is NOT me.)

 

That's really all you need to read. Lots of laying on my back. One decent class followed by a terrible one.

The cycle has kept up this week. A good double on Sunday, tough nights Monday, and Tuesday, then a surprisingly good class this morning! Since I'm taking class again tonight, it must mean that tonight's class is going to be a bitch. 

 

And so it goes...

 

 

Namaste.

 

 

Thoughts at Halfway

Saturday, May 2

No yoga today, and if I'm honest, I'm thankful for that. 

I have made it halfway through my sixty day challenge -- actually I'm on 31 classes. Wednesday's single class was followed by a double on Thursday to reach 30 classes in 30 days. That was followed by a 5:30AM class on Friday morning (necessary because I was on assignment and had a 64 mile commute that day). That meant that I had completed three classes in 14.5 hours. All three classes were actually pretty good. The surprising part was how flexible I was in the morning class where I am usually not very bendy... Needless to say, however, by the time I got home last night I was toast. I slept very well (almost too well -- I overslept by a few minutes but made it to work on time this morning).

So, I thought about sharing a few tidbits at the halfway point. 

1) This is more difficult than I remember. 

Of course it's been almost six years since my first go round with this yoga, and that first year I did two challenges that summer. At 47 things progress just a tad more slowly than at 41. 

2) I am more mindful of form. 

In the past, I would alter a pose or alter the entrance into a pose just to "look right". I didn't want to be the fat guy or the old guy who couldn't perform a pose. I was a "poser" of sorts (pardon the pun). Now, I'm far more interested in entering and exiting the postures correctly and safely. Thirty classes in and I'm seeing true results. 

Example: In Hands-to-Feet, I almost got my hands behind my heels on Friday morning. Actually I did get my hands in the right place for just half a second (just long enough to have one of those 'I am a yogi!' moments. Now, I don't sit out Triangle nearly as often, and if I fall out, I try to get back in a lot more often. My practice has become more meaningful to me. 

3) ALWAYS HAVE A SPARE COSTUME!

Somewhere around class 15 or 16, I had one of those "Oh No" moments. We had just finished Standing Head-to-Knee and I was adjusting my shorts (simple drawstring gym/basketball shorts) when I heard a worrying "SNAP" and felt my shorts go slack. 

"Uh-oh. Please, God, no."

I tugged at the waist and surprisingly, the was resistance. I figured that if I kept REALLY STILL and could get through Standing Bow without incident, I would continue.  I did, and I did, and once we got to the floor, I had no worries. Turns out that the string had held by one single strand. Now, there is always a backup pair of shorts in my bag!

4) You find support where you did not expect. 

As more of my fellow students and instructors have learned of my challenge, the response has been so positive I just can't believe it. When I walk in the studio or the locker room, people say:

"What day are you on?"

"You doing OK?"

"That is great! Keep going!"

The support really helps. 

Your challenge can, in turn, inspire others. For example, my work study partner showed up unexpectedly on Thursday for my 30th class. She had previously said she couldn't make it. When I asked her what changed, she replied simply:

"You encouraged me."

By the way, if you recall, she had to start her challenge eight days after me because of illness. She is somewhere in the mid20s and catching up. More inspiration!!

So there we are. A quiet Saturday evening has passed into a brilliant Sunday morning. Back at it today, then another tough stretch from Monday to Wednesday: three work shifts, two cleaning shifts, and another 5:30AM class on Tuesday as I'm on assignment again with another long commute. In addition, there will be three, maybe four more doubles before this challenge concludes because of my work schedule. As I recall from my previous challenges, classes 30 through 50 were really tough. You're deep into this thing, and there seems to be no end; no light at the end of the tunnel.

Yet. 

Just need to focus on the next class.

The next posture.

The next breath. 

Have a great week!!!

Namaste. 

April Challenge: In a Daze

(On April 1st, I started a 30 day Bikram Yoga Challenge. Here is the latest update.)

As the title suggests, this week has been a blur. After a day off last Saturday, I was back in the chamber for a Sunday morning class. In addition to the normal stiffness and difficulty, the heat wasn't working well for the first half of class. To counter the cooler than normal conditions, the instructor advised us to not attempt to go as deep into the postures as usual. In addition, she moved us through the standing series at a faster pace to help get us as warm as possible. This meant little to no rest between postures; it was a sprint through the standing set. It worked pretty well -- I was sweating almost as much as normal. Somewhere around halfway, the heat kicked in, and all was as it should be. It was really not that bad a class. If nothing else, it reinforced the idea of being mindful: staying present and focusing on entering and exiting the postures properly and safely. 

The classes on Monday and Tuesday were strong for me. What I am most pleased about was that a) I did every Triangle, and b) my Locust Pose continues to improve. That really is huge for me! Triangle has seemed to get a little easier with each class. I believe it is because my hips are trying to open. I think my hips are trying to open because I am getting closer and closer to a proper Hands-to-Feet pose (my hips scream at me as I try to get my hands to hook under my heels). Locust still scares me at times because my lower back is still not strong enough but its getting better.

So, we come to Wednesday. 

Ugh. 

It was just horrid. Earlier in the day, I let someone steal my peace. I became angry and upset. The reason is not important. In fact, in retrospect it really wasn't that big a deal. Anyhow, I had zero desire to do yoga. The fact that I was doing a challenge and that it was one of my nights to clean the studio were the only reasons I was there. I could not focus, I had no balance, and I just kept staring at my gut in the mirror. Result: I was down for the count at Triangle. I just laid down and checked out. My work-study partner was concerned enough to ask if I was ok, which was really sweet. I went home, went to bed, and tried to just let it go. 

Yesterday (Thursday), I decided I needed to atone for that horrible class the previous night, so I made sure to get to the studio for the 4:30 and 6:30 classes. Best decision I've made this week! I always go into a double thinking that I will just take it easy in the first class, then go all out in the second. The energy in the room (and the instructors) usually dictate otherwise. The energy in the first class was awesome. Everyone was doing their best, and it made for a great experience! Instead of taking it easy, I poured myself out on the mat, did every posture, and felt really great at the end. A quick change and some coconut water later, the 6:30 began. The class had a few more people, and the row in front of me was populated by an instuctor and two very strong students. Result? Excellent! I simply tried to be as deliberate and calm as they were and almost forgot that this was my second class of the day. Now, my muscles began to talk to me in the last half hour, but I was able to make it through. That may have been the best double I've ever done. I'm writing this post on Friday morning and I feel better than normal!

One other thing I've really been working in this week: conserving energy by economizing my movements during the floor series. Example: when getting into Camel Pose, I turn and roll over from my mat, push myself up to a kneeling position, and then walk on my knees back onto the mat. When the pose is over, I flop around to get onto my back for Savasana. At times I must look like a wildebeest that just took a tranquilizer dart, all stumbling and twitching. Now, the idea is to stay within the confines of the mat at all times. Instead of rolling around, I press my hands into the mat, kick my legs out, turn over, and lay down. Not only am I making smoother transitions (and saving precious energy), I'm making less of a spectacle and making things a bit more peaceful for those near me. 

So that's where I stand, except now it's Friday afternoon and I'm on the bus home. Then I grab my gear and head for the bus to the studio. Tomorrow is another off day, then back for more on Sunday.

Namaste. 

Overwhelmed

After that fantastic class I wrote about in my last post (almost exactly a month ago), I thought my practice was on its way to a new level. I was feeling good. Strong. Dare I say, centered.

I thought wrong. Every class since has been a struggle. I seem to be regressing at an alarming rate. Postures that I loved are now difficult. The postures that I loathe are now impossible, or ignored altogether. Two weeks ago today, I went to the 9:30AM class. I thought I could work through it. Nope. I broke down to the point that while the class was going into Savasana, I rolled up my mat, showered, and hastily left the studio. As I walked to the bus, I wept.

I'm cranky. I'm short tempered. Last week marked 29 years at my job, and it's driving me nuts. Never meant to be there that long, and I feel like my life has been a waste. Add in issues with money, transport, and relationship, and long story short, I'm not in a good place. The clouds, ice, and snow of the past week have played havoc with work (long bus rides and never getting caught up) to yoga (only one class in a week --most classes cancelled), to food and sleep (the wrong kinds and too much of the former, never enough of the latter).

My cynical side is alive, well, and rampant. I read lots of tweets and articles from successful, inspirational people who simply want to share their successes, or tips for success/wellness/health. one of which posted the following saying:

"Those who say it can't be done need to move out of the way of those who are doing it."

I lost my cool and replied, "Consider me moved out of your way."

I shouldn't have done that, but I was pissed. Still am, really.

I mean, I bust my ass everyday just to do one thing I enjoy (yoga). Add in the normal, humdrum things one must do (shopping, cooking, laundry, sleep, etc) and there simply is no time for me to do anything else. The very cross, cynical me wants to know just how in the hell am I supposed to be so damn perfect? Where do I even START??  I'm 47. Going back to school seems pointless. I've NEVER known what to do with my life; probably never will. My practice is for shit. I cannot even reach my heels anymore in Hands-to-Feet. In the final part of Wind-Removing (the bit where you draw both legs into your chest while attempting to get your entire spine on the floor), I cannot breathe AT ALL. My gut squeezes my lungs to the point where I cannot draw in any air. I have returned to my old custom of wearing a shirt during class because I am ashamed of my food choices and my body. Everything hurts. I gasp for air. I combine a remarkable lack of balance with incredible weakness and ZERO confidence. 

I read lots of stuff about changing my eating habits. Moving to a more plant based diet. Improving my health. Improving my mental outlook. Trying to start a meditation practice. Finding what I really want to do with my life. Taking charge. I'm good at trying to help others be better people. I am very bad at taking care of myself. Can't be done. If it were possible, would I not have done it already? I see and read about people who are living the lives they dreamed of and I am equally happy (for them) and despondent/jealous.

I signed up for a posture clinic next week. Now I must cancel that. More issues/drama.

I'm overwhelmed, overfed, and undernourished.

"Those who say it can't be done need to move out of the way of those who are doing it."

I'll just move over here, shall I?

It.
Can't.
Be.
Done.


Peace.

A Tale of Four Classes

After practicing little over the past month, I've been able to string some classes together this week. It has been an interesting four days of yoga, to say the least...

Sunday morning 10AM: My first class in seven days. OUCH!! I was so tight and stiff. Everything just hurt. One of the staff told me that at one point, as he passed by the room, he saw me on my knees with my head in my hands. I don't remember that at all. It was one of those classes where nothing went right: weak, chasing my breath, falling out of postures at almost every turn. The high point of it all? The shower afterwards...

Monday 6:30PM: A very hard day of work with little time to prepare. Bad food choices and poor hydration contributed to the feeling that this class would be no better. Funny thing though: when I tweeted out that I was heading for class, a friend sent back a simple message:

"Do the posture!"

I don't know why or how, but suddenly I was galvanized to go in there and give it my all.

All I can say is: "Wow".

It was hot and the room was nearly full but it didn't matter. I was strong. I was focused.  I was in a yoga zone that I have never known. I did every posture. I think I sat out one set near the end. I cannot remember. All I know is that I think, for once, I completely surrendered myself to the yoga. I felt so calm and peaceful! Thinking of it now makes me wistful, to be honest. It was such a beautiful thing!!

Tuesday 6:30PM: Having issues with my job. Remarked that I could "...either go to class or choke someone out." Thankfully, I chose class. After Monday's high I was eager to see if I could build on it. I even set up in the hot corner on the front row. I tried to be as deliberate and strong as on the previous night but it just wasn't meant to be. It was a good class for the most part but I did have to exit the room between sets of Fixed-Firm. The heat was bouncing off the mirrors in that corner, and I started to feel a bit of panic. I got back in and finished class, but I just didn't feel as good. 

Wednesday 6:30PM: Woke up with sore hamstrings and leg/foot cramps. Not enough water or potassium. Spent most of my workday in a 36 degree dairy vault. All day, I thought of how nice that hot room would feel. I was not disappointed. Once again, I was on the front row (I didn't get there early like usual and the back rows fill up first). I started strong, working deeper into Half-Moon and almost getting a hand behind a heel in Hands-to-Feet. Even my Awkward was better, especially in the middle part. They always say, "The higher the toes, the easier the pose..". Not always, I backed off a bit and found it easier to balance. However, Triangle got me, as usual. I just couldn't hold it. I dialed it back a bit from there until the long Savasana. On the floor, sat out the second Camel and the first Rabbit, but finished out from there. All in all, a good, solid class. 

So, four days, four classes, four outcomes running the entire spectrum from disastrous to blissful. For the first time since resuming practice eleven months ago (can it really be a year already?), I felt the magic of this yoga again. For a short while on Monday, I felt like I stepped out of myself into a newer, better version of me. 

I need to get back there. That's the Mark I want to be. 

One more breath. 

One more posture. 

Namaste. 

Just give me a minute...

I need to get some things out...

I love yoga... once I get to the studio... It is really difficult to get there some days -- especially, for me, during the winter. I just want to eat, drink coffee, and hibernate. I bet I've gained 12-15 lbs. since Thanksgiving. As a result...

I feel like a failure a lot these days. Seems like I'm just "treading water" in the room. In some respects, I have regressed -- I couldn't tell you the last time I was able to grab my heels in Hands-to-Feet pose -- mostly because I cannot suck enough of my stomach in. I feel really tense, and extremely inflexible.

It seems like I'm in a fog most of the time. Perhaps it would be better to say I feel like I'm underwater. Every so often, when I can break the surface and take a breath, I can clearly see the things I need to do to better myself -- I can see the path. Then, I sink back down into the everyday, mindless, numbing daily routine. Before I know it, days have passed before I realize I'm right where I was because it is the next time I "break the surface" and realize I haven't done anything -- again. Did that make any sense at all ?

I am thankful for work-study. Twice a week, I get to spend an extra hour in the room while I clean it. More sweat. It's quiet. I can think. It's peaceful. Best two hours of my week sometimes.

I still have horrible eating habits. In some ways it has improved, but not today. Lunch (coffee for  breakfast) was leftover fajitas with way too much rice and tons of chips with almost a pint of hot sauce (all this while watching "Hungry For Change" for the umpteenth time on Netflix). I ate until I couldn't eat anymore, then I ate more, as if I might not eat for a week. When I go to the store, I grab a cookie or two for the drive home. Sometimes I stop at McD's on the way home. I have taken to buying donuts every morning at work... after stopping at another McD's for breakfast and coffee. Food has fully replaced nicotine for me (but at least it is now 11 months since I had a smoke!).

Sometimes, I just want to give up. Quit. Pack it in. Nice try, but you fell short. Get fat and die early like my mom. Smoke my way to pneumonia, cancer, and respiratory failure like some of my relatives. Be diabetic and lose limbs like so many people I've seen.

No.

No.

NO!!!

I can't do that. 

Long way to go.

Just take another step.

One more breath.

One more posture.

One more breath.

One more posture.

#gotoyoga

#just breathe

Peace.

  

The Century Mark

Two hundred and nineteen nights ago, I sat in this worn, uncomfortable seat and wrote a post about how nervous I was about returning to a regular Bikram Yoga practice, thanks to a renewal of the work-study program. Tomorrow night, I will complete my 100th class since returning.

So, how am I doing?

Well...

I started off wonderfully, full of joy, ready to work, ready to get back to where I was before. For a time, I was on the fast track back -- four, five, six classes a week. Eleven classes in a ten day stretch. A posture clinic. Seeing old friends and making new ones. I was enjoying the hell out of it.

Then came the summer. Issues at work. Issues at home. Making class became more difficult. Then, when I did get to class, I would struggle. Badly. The postures I could do reasonably well became more difficult, and the postures I struggled with became well nigh impossible.

Yesterday's class was a perfect example. In Half Moon there is a huge grab in my side when I try to bend to the left. In Hands-to-Feet, I can't get my hands under my feet -- not even close. Awkward Pose is intolerable. In Eagle, getting my foot behind my calf was becoming easier, but no more. From there it just gets worse -- so much worse that the floor series has become a 15-30 minute Savasana. I can barely look at myself in the mirror these days. Once, I even started to well up with tears but I held them back. No use crying when you are the one to blame for this, and make no mistake, it is my own doing. I'm not smoking, but my diet is still a wreck. No self control. No discipline. Lately, I've begun to wonder why the hell I'm even practicing... if I keep trying to hurt myself with a poor diet, if I can only make two or three classes a week, then why bother? If going to class was just a way of avoiding other issues at home or work, then why bother? If all I'm doing is basically taking a 90 minute steam bath, then why bother?

I'll tell you why.

I have to. For no one other than myself. I have to re-learn discipline. Patience. Love of self. Appreciation. Gratitude. And much more.

I will go back in there tomorrow night. I will simply look at myself in the eyes and try to remember how incredibly fortunate I am to be able to practice this yoga.

I'm tired of staring a hole in the floor while the rest of the class refuses to give up. I'm tired of the instructor saying, "Join back in when you can.", knowing full well that remark is directed at me.

I am strong.

I am a yogi.

Toes on the line...





 

It's Never Easy

strug·gle

intransitive verb\ˈstrə-gəl\

: to try very hard to do, achieve, or deal with something that is difficult or that causes problems

: to move with difficulty or with great effort

                                   : to try to move yourself, an object, etc., by making a lot of effort

via merriam-webster.com

Think about the word struggle for a moment.

Now, consider how that word applies to your practice.

For me, it is applicable in several ways. 

  : to try to move yourself, an object, etc., by making a lot of effort

The very act of performing postures is a struggle, at least most of the time. I'm a big, ungainly guy who has trouble with his balance but more than makes for it at times with a perplexing lack of strength. When I finally get my balance right, I'm too weak or breathless to hold the damn posture. More often though, the opposite holds true: I can enter the posture but cannot keep my balance for more than a few seconds. this seems to have worsened in the past month. There was one class two weeks ago where I received correction from the instructor in Pranayama, Half-Moon, Hands-to-Feet, Awkward, and Eagle. That never happened before; all because I had so much trouble keeping my balance. Then there are my knees, one of which I injured in April and the other which is now exhibiting a lot of the aches I felt before injuring the first one (did that make sense?). Of course, I have attended only eight classes this month, which leads me to....

...deal with something that is difficult or that causes problems

Just getting to class can be a struggle. It's July. It's hot. I just want to sit by the pool/fire up the grill/take a nap/go to the zoo/etc, etc. Your friends or loved ones want to do those things as well, and you don't want to miss the fun. So you tell yourself you will take an extra class tomorrow/next week/next month. Sometimes you do and sometimes you forget and sometimes you just say "Forget about it". Then there are times when your friends balk at your going to class again and become upset or downright angry. It can be amazing how many of your old friends disappear when you try to change your life... and how many new ones you can make.

: to try very hard to do... something that is difficult... to move with difficulty or with great effort

Once in the room, there are struggles great and small. From trying to get your hamstrings to stretch to reaching down to your heels to the sweat pouring into your ears or nose. Perhaps it's as simple as running late and not getting your preferred spot in the room (let's be honest: ANYWHERE in the room is good). Maybe your body aches and it is really difficult just to get your arms up over the head sideways. Maybe your heart hurts. Maybe you just can't quite get your breath under control and your chasing it in every posture. Maybe you've decided to do a 40-minute Savasana and you see no reason to change your mind.

And yet.. when you make that conscious effort to get to class, to find a spot no matter how unpalatable, when you just try to clear your mind, lift those tired arms up and breathe in deeply...

YOU ALLOW YOURSELF THE OPPORTUNITY FOR WONDERFUL THINGS TO HAPPEN, BOTH IN AND OUT OF THE ROOM!!

 Don't deny yourself. Don't let anyone or anything deny you.

You are special. You deserve to be healthy and happy.

It is not, and never will be easy. And that is just fine.

See you on the mat!!

Peace.

 

Twenty classes later...

Hello again!

Tonight will mark the 21st class since returning to my Bikram yoga practice 45 days ago.

What have I learned?

1) I still love it! -- I just feel so grateful to be able to practice on a regular basis. To see old friends, to make new friends; to meet, take class from, and learn from new instructors -- it has just been amazing.

2) I have far to go... just to get back to the level I was at when I had to stop practicing. However, that is OK, because...

3) I understand more -- Since I already know the sequence of postures and how hot the room can get, there was less fear or apprehension at actually performing the postures. My only fear was that I would simply be unable to do a lot to begin with. Further, because I already know what to expect...

4) Things are "clicking " faster -- especially over the last 10 days or so. Last Thursday was the best class I've had since returning. My focus was really good, and I began to do more of the postures for longer. The first set of Standing Bow that night ranked right up there with the best I've ever done!

5) While some things are different -- Most of the instructors stick to the dialogue exclusively, and I think there have been a few tweaks to the dialogue. The more senior instructors do include tips and "mind-vitamins" for you to think about. Also, I think there is more attention is paid to making sure we get into the postures correctly -- "The setup determines the posture."

6) Some things remain the same --  What can I say? Triangle Pose is still a bitch. However, I must say that in the last week it has gotten better. I still fall out on almost every set, but I'm getting stronger little by little. Same thing happens in the next posture (Separate Leg Forehead to Knee).

7) Any posture in which I must tuck my chin to my chest is agony -- Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee, Rabbit, and Head to Knee w/ Stretching -- these just suck. I think it's because of the bronchitis that sent me to hospital last year, but anytime I do those poses I automatically feel like I'm not going to be able to breathe and I begin to panic and come up for air. This will take a lot more focus and discipline on my part.

8) I used to love the Spine Strengthening Series -- now it gives me fits. Especially in Locust. Before the hiatus I was doing a reasonable Locust. Now, I can barely get one leg up let alone both. Then in Fixed-Firm, my hips have closed so much I cannot sit myself down on the floor. Soon, though. Soon.

9) Camel makes me feel really weird -- The fact that I can do Camel at all so quickly is mind-boggling. However, I feel really strange once I come out. You always hear how "things will come up... or out" in Camel, but it never happened to me previously -- or perhaps I simply wasn't aware of it. I don't feel ill when I come up and out of the posture, just "disconnected" for a few seconds. Or perhaps I feel "more" connected. I don't fear it, but I need to try and understand it.

And finally...

10) IT STILL WORKS!! -- Yes, the yoga still works. Question the man who put it together on many counts, but don't question the yoga. I feel better. I'm eating better. I'm learning (and re-learning) more about myself. I love it!!

Thanks for stopping by... leave a comment if you have been moved... would love to hear from you!!

Namaste.


PS: While on vacation this week, trying to go to nine classes in eight days... I'll let you know how it turns out.





 

A sort of homecoming...

I did it!

I returned to where it all began -- my (new) old Bikram studio. Quite an experience!

Got there about 15 minutes prior to class. After filling out the necessary forms and meeting the instructor (an affable gentleman named Michon), I met up with the owner, Tammy. She welcomed me back with a hug and wished me a Happy Belated Birthday and told me how happy she was to see me back. Tammy was an instructor under the previous ownership but now she runs the place. She then stopped me and told me, "Hey, take it easy in there. Have fun."

The lobby is now a nice boutique with clothing, mats, water bottles, and the like. Works of art most of which are for sale) adorn the walls, and the place has a definite Southwesten/Old West vibe. Very nice indeed. The hot room was just where I left it -- only with a darker mix of colors and an extra ceiling fan or two. The carpet was different -- I did have a little trouble trying to keep my feet from sliding out from under me at times. here are four lines across the room instead three in the former configuration. That said, I set up in about the same place as when I took my first class.

Michon teaches a very brisk class. His delivery is good but fast, and he stays very true to the dialogue. Still, it was easy to keep up for a while. I am proud to say that, while I missed a couple of situps, I did not sit out ANY postures. Fell out plenty of times, but never sat.  Even in Triangle, I was able to get back in after falling out.

Other impressions:

1) Any posture involving a forward bend was torture. From Hands-to-Feet all the way through Rabbit, my gut got in the way and made breathing difficult. I would pop up, take a breath, and try to bend forward again. Hopefully, with a better diet and more Bikram, that will improve quickly. Also, my balance was atrocious. In Standing head-to-knee, Standing Bow, and Balancing Stick, wobbling and falling out was the order of the day.

2) I listened to my body and stopped where necessary. In Camel, I could bend back and grab my right heel, but when trying to grab the left heel, I had to stop because I felt a grab in my back. Before that, in Fixed Firm, I could not get my shoulders to the floor. I didn't feel bad about it -- I know that in time I will get back there. Michon even called me out during Camel, letting me know it was OK if I could not express the posture fully -- "You're doing what you can today. Next time will be better. Good work." I must admit that made me feel at ease.

3) There was one familiar face in the class, but at times I admit I was reminiscing. I could hear the voices of past instructors, I could see the room as it was before, I thought of struggling alongside Sweetie and other people that we got to know through the yoga. I did feel a wave of nostalgia at one point.

4) I was shocked at a) my breathing, and b) how little water I drank. My breathing was actually good. Very few times did I gasp for air. The only time I drank water was at Party Time, which floored me. I did feel thrst near the end but by then I decided it could wait.

And then, it was over. The lights were dimmed, Michon thanked us for attending and even said, "Welcome Back, Mark. Good job today." I stayed a while and soaked in as much heat as I could, then showered and departed. Before leaving I was reminded that I am still eligible for the $49 intro special.

Next payday is next Thursday.

I think I'm back.

Amen!

Namaste.

Unhappy Bikram Birthday

Tomorrow, April 13, will be my third Bikram Birthday. It was on April 13, 2009 that I ventured into the Torture Chamber for the first time. Sometimes, it seems like only yesterday. Now, it seems like centuries ago.

I still remember it well:

Walking into the room and getting slapped in the face punched in the mouth by the heat.

Laying down on the mat and silently praying that I wouldn't throw up.

Being so ashamed of my body that I wouldn't take off my shirt.

Learning that my heavy cotton shorts became ten times heavier when soaked in sweat.

Not being able to even reach my heels in Hands-to-Feet pose.

"OK, how the hell am I supposed to reach down and grab my foot?"

"Does it HAVE to be so friggin' hot??!!!???"

"Slow down... only so much water in that bottle."

"Fuck it, I'm SOOOOOOOO thirsty."

"How do you lock a knee?"

"If I try Triangle, they will have to carry me out of here."

 "If I stay 15 more seconds, they will have to carry me out of here."

"I really like Savasana!!!"

"No, wait, just one more minute of Savasana.... please????"

"I'm bringing a gallon of water (and maybe a 10 lb. bag of ice!)  next time... assuming there is a next time."

"Lift BOTH legs? I can't lift one!!!"

(Just before Half-Tortoise):  "Check, please!!" This is where I got up and left the room.

Well, from that inauspicious start blossomed what was, for a while, a pretty good practice. One challenge morphed into back-to-back challenges, and in six months I lost 45 lbs, lost five inches from my waist, and felt absolutely wonderful. From then on, it's gone downhill -- to the point now that I still haven't taken a class since November. A number of factors have contributed to this, most seemingly beyond my control.

I still look forward to resuming my practice. I think about it every day. Unfortunately, it doesn't look as though it will resume anytime soon. Nothing seems to work out like we wanted, and there seems to be at least two new stresses every day. Even quitting smoking (96 days now) has its problems: my lungs are seemingly always congested these days... a combination of spring allergies, humid weather, and lungs trying to detox make it hard to breathe some days... even with my inhaler. A good dose of Pranayama in a hot room would really help. Today has been really difficult. On the good side, I no longer crave tobacco... in fact, the smell of a cigarette now makes me slightly queasy.

One of my favorite teachers, Greg, always said that part of doing Bikram  was not only that I would feel so much better, but I would realize just how bad I felt before I began my practice.

I understand now, my friend. Oh, boy, do I understand.

Namaste.





 

Thud. (Epilogue)

I made it in to the room last night for the first time since Thursday.

It did not go well. At all.

Trouble started right away. Kept gasping and taking extra breaths in Pranayama. My breathing was never in synch. Hands-to-Feet was OK, but Awkward was horrid. Eagle was the high point of my class, somehow I was able to hook both feet -- not completely, but they did hook, and I released my interlocked fingers and tried to achieve prayer position. I was a lot closer to it than I ever thought....

After that, however, my class went downhill at about the same rate as an avalanche. No balance in Standing H2K, or Standing Bow, or Balancing Stick (Stick was the worst of all -- only got to 3 before falling out -- ankles kept rolling. SSL Stretching and Triangle are the Evil Twins of my practice. I can't even grab my heels in Stretching -- every time I try there is pain from my hips down the sides of my legs as if they are going to instantly cramp, so I stand back up and walk in place to get the muscles to let go. In Triangle, I will never get my legs to look like an upside down 'L' -- I'm quite sure of that. My hamstrings scream and I either stand back up or fall to my mat. In SSLH2K, my gut gets in the way and I start to gasp for air, so I fall out. Tree was OK; I did not attempt Toe Stand. By this time I was getting spasms in my back and I knew I was toast. Tried Wind-Removing but barely got through. Situps were not practical, and I simply laid on my stomach during the spine series, with my back muscles refusing to let go. When the class transitioned into Fixed Firm, I exited the chamber, found a bench in the back room, and tried to get my back to let go. Didn't happen.

I guess I should have stayed home, but it was my work study night and I needed to be there. This morning was no better. The weather change (cooler and rain) caused so much congestion that I had to race to get an inhaler because I flat out could not breathe. (Weather change, my a$$, it's those damn cigarettes!!)  Like, "climb the stairs and gasp for air" could not breathe. As I wrote yesterday, I am a wreck, and I'm at a loss. I am usually the positive, "things will get better", guy. Unless I'm talking about me, in which case I'm the  "What's the point?" guy.

So, looks like I'm back at the beginning. Eat better. Hydrate. For the love of God, find a way to stay away from smoking (Prescription? Hypnosis?). I have to find a way. For me. For my Sweetie. Besides, I'm really tired of writing all these "downer" entries. I'm sure it's not fun to read. Damn sure isn't fun to write, but at least it is cathartic in some ways. Tomorrow is another chance to start again...

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A number of current Training blogs that I follow related a story of taking an Advanced class on their off day. As I understand it, the regular 90 minute class is the warm up, and one ends up spending 5 hours in the room. I cannot imagine that. You men and women are so much stronger than I can hope to be.

Peace.

Thud.

"Steps taken forwards but sleepwalking back again
Dragged by the force of some inner tide"

 "High Hopes" -- From Pink Floyd's The Division Bell

Just home from work. Long six days, with work (driving me insane), a sick Sweetie (stomach flu... down for four days but now recovered), and a side project (completed) have meant 17, 18, even 19 hour days over that six day span. Made it to two classes last week (more on that in a minute). With so much to do and very little time, I jumped right back into old habits. Pizza. Cheeseburgers. Fried chicken. Fried fish. And all of it was take-out. Worse, I actually bought and drank at least one Dr. Pepper on five of those days. EVEN WORSE, I would smoke three, four, as many as six cigarettes a day!!! I was doing so well but give me long hours and stressful work conditions and I run right back to the old vices. I have fallen off the proverbial wagon on so many fronts.

Thing is, I don't feel very bad about it. I'm rationalizing all of this with reasons (excuses) such as:

     No use cooking for one.

     Needed the sugar and caffeine to keep going.

     Really no reason for smoking other than I wanted to.

Now, here I sit, with class just under two hours away, snacking on chips and cheese and trying to drink two liters of water in the next hour or two so that I am somewhat hydrated. It is my work study night, so I need to be there anyway. Might as well take class. Don't really want to. I'm tired, my knees ache, and I've had back spasms on and off since this morning. I am a wreck, and the last thing I want to do is sweat and pull and bend and groan and twist, twist, twist. Yet, given all of this, something inside tells me to keep going.

I stopped by the studio on Sunday to pick up the recycling. Sweetie is in charge of recycling and we are lucky to have two huge bins which the city empties weekly. As tired as I was, when I walked past the room, I paused. Both sets of doors were open slightly (class had ended 10 minutes earlier). As I walked past, I felt the heat hit me... must have been really toasty in there!! I stopped short and let the heat flow around me. The smells of the room overtook my nostrils -- the strong scent of perspiration, along with traces of tea tree oil and disinfectant (used when we clean the room). Added to those aromas, I swear, for just a fleeting moment, that I could smell emotions. Determination. Pain. Anger. Joy. Disappointment. Fear. Defeat. Surrender (not the same as defeat). For that tenth of a second, I think my mind went to a different place, a different level. I very badly wanted to take class right then and there. The moment stayed with me so briefly. I've tried to get back there but to no avail. Instead, my mind has dealt with the last six days, and now I don't even want to go. I feel like a failure (again). I'm so weak and inflexible and my mind is mush. At times I feel like giving up my work study spot and my practice. I feel like I do before I started practicing. Fat. Lazy. Without direction. Yes, at times I've wanted to cry. Cannot cry though... Don't let them see you cry....


                                             ************************************

My last class actually wasn't bad. It was last Thursday and the Really Difficult Teacher (I wrote about her here ) was teaching. Since the class was smaller than usual, I set up on the front row, something I rarely do and haven't tried in ages. Since I don't wear my glasses in class, It is blurry from the second row, and very difficult to focus on myself from the back row. Any way, she was her usual self -- pushing and pushing and asking us to take off the "training wheels" and push ourselves to a new level. This time however, most everything she said was clicking with me. I begin to see where she's coming from when she tells what us what muscles and bones are involved in a given posture.  Triangle was still elusive, but in Hands-to-Feet, as I pulled on my heels, I felt a sharp pop-pop-pop as my spine actually moved! I felt really strange for a second, then I couldn't keep from smiling. Definitely the high-point of class. I just wish she would hold it to six counts instead of 10-12 in Pranayama. Just saying...

One last thing for instructors: Want to make second set of Triangle more enjoyable? Find out if anyone is having a birthday in the next day or two. If so, once you get to "...just move your arms", have everyone sing "Happy Birthday" then come out and return to the set position. I actually made it through that set!!

Anyhow, time to shut it down. I'm going to go, and set up in the front. I am going to try my hardest and try to breathe correctly. Hopefully I find that place I found on Sunday, if only for a moment.

Peace.

Well, so much for being positive....

Yesterday, I wrote about trying to keep the proper perspective in class... about how I usually decide how my class will go by balancing stick and how last night I was going in with the expressed intention of keeping a positive frame of mind throughout the class.

So, just how did that little experiment go?

I left the room at Fixed-Firm and did not return.

Class started off really well. I was able to keep my stomach in all the way through both sets of breathing. I worked really hard to keep my arms locked out in Half-Moon, and it went great! Awkward was, well, as awkward as usual, but I actually felt good about that, too. In Eagle, I actually got each foot hooked around the leg in both sets. All in all, the opening set went really well, and I was beginning to think, "Hey, I'm doing pretty well here -- keep it going!!" Even in Standing Head to Knee, I felt pretty good about myself. Although I have never been able kick out, I was working hard to keep my knees locked -- harder than normal. I did fall out near the end of each phase, but I kept my balance longer than normal.

Then, things began to go downhill. It started slowly, but soon turned into a veritable nosedive.

The first set of Standing Bow was OK, but lost all balance in the second set. In Balancing Stick, I was leaning one way, then another, then coming out early. In Standing Separate Leg Stretching, I purposely tried to take a wider stance in the second set, and that tightness in my hips came back with a vengeance. This is where I fell off the cliff. Triangle was a complete failure -- when trying to lunge forward on my right side, it felt like my body would tear itself in two as one might tear a piece of paper in half. Sat down, no second set. In first set of SSL Head to Knee, I fell out as soon as I tried to bend forward. No second set. Tree was difficult, and when I hit the ground trying to do Toe Stand, I sat out the second set. Wind Removing was OK, but the Spine Strengthening was laughable -- it just hurt to do Cobra or Locust or Full Locust. After first set of Fixed-Firm, I was done. My mindset went from, "Hey, maybe I'm on to something here." to "I am positive of one thing and one thing only. I'm leaving."

I spent the rest of the evening in a funk. Memories of goals never attained, of things left undone, of being afraid of trying ANYTHING new danced around my brain. That was one of the reasons I took up Bikram... it was something new and different... something I might actually be able to be PROFICIENT at. I'm not looking to become a world-renowned yogi or anything, I just want to be able to do the class and enjoy the learning process.  Why did I leave? What does everyone else know that I don't? How do they manage to stay in that oven while I bail out? What am I missing?

 41 classes down, 159 to go.

Peace.

Lazy Sunday

May Day in Texas. Usually, that means sunny skies and warm temperatures. Not so, this year, however. Gray, rainy skies with thunderstorms in the vicinity, and it's in the 40's!!! This made for a very lazy, quiet day in our home. Sleeping in was very easy with the dark gray clouds. Yoga was considered for the briefest of moments. Instead, sleeping, napping, movies, and sports have been the order of the day. With our hectic schedules, classes have been once again few and far between. However, there have been a couple of triumphs.

First was the fact that my sweetie got back into the room after that nasty fall on the stairs. She was welcomed back by a number of people at the studio, which I think shocked her a bit. She has had to take it slowly but she is doing well. I AM SO PROUD OF HER!!!!

Secondly, I was actually able to string 5 classes together the week before last. (Only two this past week, however...) Anyway during last Tuesday's class, two things happened. In Hands-to-Feet (first set). as I was pulling on my heels, my spine popped. It felt like a new vertebrae had appeared from nowhere and popped into place. It seemed so loud that I was sure everyone else in the room heard it. It made my a bit dizzy, so that I lost that all important grip on my heels -- I almost catapulted myself off my mat.

The second surprise came in Triangle -- one of the most difficult poses for me. I actually made it through BOTH SETS!! I didn't fall out and I didn't sit out -- they weren't pretty but they were triangles!! After that, I breezed through the rest of class. I did sit out a couple of times but I didn't berate myself for it -- I simply tried to enjoy it. I should have gone back in today, but sometimes rest is best. Plus, my allergies are driving me insane -- breathing would have been really hard. Planning on getting back in tomorrow.

So, my count now stands at 39 classes for the year. With my goal set at 200, that means I need to attend 161 more classes in 244 days. I am nowhere near giving up on my goal but I just hope life slows down a tick or two so I can really put some classes together. It may take doing my own 30 or 45 day challenge to get me to my goal. There is still time....

Speaking of challenges, there is a newspaper reporter in San Antonio, Dennis Ayotte, Jr.,  who has taken up a 60 day Bikram Challenge and is writing about it. Follow Dennis' journey here.

Along with that, it is now Week Three of Teacher Training in Los Angeles. Those 400+ people are almost a third of the way home already. I have found several cool blogs to keep up with:


From The Hot Room.

onceuponayogi.

The Grateful Yogini.