Overwhelmed

After that fantastic class I wrote about in my last post (almost exactly a month ago), I thought my practice was on its way to a new level. I was feeling good. Strong. Dare I say, centered.

I thought wrong. Every class since has been a struggle. I seem to be regressing at an alarming rate. Postures that I loved are now difficult. The postures that I loathe are now impossible, or ignored altogether. Two weeks ago today, I went to the 9:30AM class. I thought I could work through it. Nope. I broke down to the point that while the class was going into Savasana, I rolled up my mat, showered, and hastily left the studio. As I walked to the bus, I wept.

I'm cranky. I'm short tempered. Last week marked 29 years at my job, and it's driving me nuts. Never meant to be there that long, and I feel like my life has been a waste. Add in issues with money, transport, and relationship, and long story short, I'm not in a good place. The clouds, ice, and snow of the past week have played havoc with work (long bus rides and never getting caught up) to yoga (only one class in a week --most classes cancelled), to food and sleep (the wrong kinds and too much of the former, never enough of the latter).

My cynical side is alive, well, and rampant. I read lots of tweets and articles from successful, inspirational people who simply want to share their successes, or tips for success/wellness/health. one of which posted the following saying:

"Those who say it can't be done need to move out of the way of those who are doing it."

I lost my cool and replied, "Consider me moved out of your way."

I shouldn't have done that, but I was pissed. Still am, really.

I mean, I bust my ass everyday just to do one thing I enjoy (yoga). Add in the normal, humdrum things one must do (shopping, cooking, laundry, sleep, etc) and there simply is no time for me to do anything else. The very cross, cynical me wants to know just how in the hell am I supposed to be so damn perfect? Where do I even START??  I'm 47. Going back to school seems pointless. I've NEVER known what to do with my life; probably never will. My practice is for shit. I cannot even reach my heels anymore in Hands-to-Feet. In the final part of Wind-Removing (the bit where you draw both legs into your chest while attempting to get your entire spine on the floor), I cannot breathe AT ALL. My gut squeezes my lungs to the point where I cannot draw in any air. I have returned to my old custom of wearing a shirt during class because I am ashamed of my food choices and my body. Everything hurts. I gasp for air. I combine a remarkable lack of balance with incredible weakness and ZERO confidence. 

I read lots of stuff about changing my eating habits. Moving to a more plant based diet. Improving my health. Improving my mental outlook. Trying to start a meditation practice. Finding what I really want to do with my life. Taking charge. I'm good at trying to help others be better people. I am very bad at taking care of myself. Can't be done. If it were possible, would I not have done it already? I see and read about people who are living the lives they dreamed of and I am equally happy (for them) and despondent/jealous.

I signed up for a posture clinic next week. Now I must cancel that. More issues/drama.

I'm overwhelmed, overfed, and undernourished.

"Those who say it can't be done need to move out of the way of those who are doing it."

I'll just move over here, shall I?

It.
Can't.
Be.
Done.


Peace.