The Icing On The Cake

It started on April Fools Day. 

It was supposed to be thirty days, but it stretched to sixty.

Sixty days weren't enough, so I decided to push myself harder than ever. I decided to try for 100 classes in 100 days. 

Along the way there was good, bad, and ugly. Days where I felt wonderful, and days where I just wanted to give up. Seventeen doubles. A wardrobe malfunction. Holidays to work around. A stomach virus. Seven classes in the final five days. 

Somehow, I made it to July 9. 

Class 100. 

Had to work that day. Hustled home, grabbed my gear and headed to the studio. I wanted to get there as early as I could before the 4:30 class. I walked into the studio and was welcomed with cheers and applause. I had invited the staff and some friends to join me, and those that could attend were already there. I asked our instructor, "Now I get fans on demand, right?"

"Yeah, we'll see about that..." 

I went in early and stretched and found myself nervous. I couldn't wait for this to start. One of my work study partners, Su, set up close by and gave me a thumbs up. She was on day 29 of her 30-day challenge. 

The instructor started class by announcing my accomplishment, and away we went. It was so beautiful! There was so much positive energy in the room. I was calm and focused. It was a watershed class because for the first time ever, all in one class:

I kicked out both legs in Standing Head-to-Knee. 

I held all four Standing Bows without falling out. 

I held all four Triangles without falling out. 

I cannot tell you what that means to me! In April, this was unthinkable. Now it has actually happened. Feels really good!

Even in the poses I couldn't fully execute, there was progress. I still can't get my hands under my heels in Hands-to-Feet, but I'm soooo close. One of my most troublesome poses is Standing Separate Leg Stretching, where you straddle the mat, bend from the waist, grab each heel, and try to touch the forehead to the floor. I'm nowhere near close to doing it, but I'm finally getting my hands from my calves to my heels. On the floor, Locust and Rabbit are the toughest, but there is progress. 

I had worked so hard while standing, I had to dial it back a bit on the floor, but I think I only sat out one set. After the final breathing exercise, there was more applause and some very kind words from our instructor. I lay in Savasana with a huge smile. 

After a shower, I walked back to the lobby. My friend Andres (holder of the studio record 390 days) said there was a gift. I found that he had supplied a large Tres Leches Cake adorned with the studio logo. It was ridiculously good. It was also quite large, so much so that I left it there to share with the 6:30 class. In lieu of champagne, Su gave me a bottle of Sparkling Cider (like myself, she has given up alcohol). From the staff, I got a gift card from the juice bar next door. Their fresh pressed juices are fabulous and I can't wait to get one! It was overwhelming and I was quite touched. I went home on Cloud Nine. 

My challenge was officially over, but there was one more box to tick. I had told Su that I would practice with her on the final day of her challenge. July 10 marked her 30th and final day, so there I was at 5:30AM to help her cross the finish line. She accomplished so much and it was fun to be a part of. She says she was inspired to do a challenge by watching myself and my other work study partner do challenges. I'm very proud of both of them. 

So, it was supposed to be just thirty days. 

It ended up at 101 days. 

I wouldn't trade it for the world. 

Namaste. 

"Not ready to stop."

When last I wrote, I needed to take nine classes in seven days to meet the challenge of 60 classes in 60 days.

Challenge completed!

Not without some struggle, however.

The first three classes were relatively easy. The room didn't seem to be as hot, and I did well. The mid-week classes were a nightmare. I had the same feelings I did before starting this challenge -- overwhelmed, frustrated, wondering why I was even there. I related this to a friend who snapped me back to rights:

"Enjoy your class. Focus on your breath during yoga. Only on your breath... Allow your yoga practice to be

a moving flowing "meditative" dance focusing on the breath."

Of course. The breath. Simple as that. Once again, I had gotten so caught up in how poorly I was doing and had forgotten the most basic step: breathing.

 

After that, the final classes of the week were much easier. I didn't make huge leaps in my form or depth, but it was ok -- I was breathing and just letting my body do what it could.

 

Saturday, May 30 was Day 60. I took the day off so I wouldn't have to stress about getting to class after work. It was a good class for me -- I took it a bit easy but I did quite well (my balance was really good that day). Our visiting instructor, J, informed the assembled of my challenge and everyone applauded. She asked, "How do you feel?"

 

I was still trying to collect myself and as I tried to catch my breath, everyone giggled a bit.

 

"I feel better than I did 60 days ago.", I said. 

 

The next day, there I was, back at the studio. J was teaching again.

 

"61?", she asked.

 

"Not ready to stop.", I replied.

 

I haven't stopped yet. 

 

You see, for the first thirty days, the idea was: do I have the physical capabilities to go day after day?

The next thirty days, the idea was: am I mentally strong enough to go every day?

 

The answer is yes to both questions. Yet, I still feel there is more to come. You see, every so often over the last two weeks, I've gotten a glimpse of something in my mind. A glimpse of change. How miniscule or profound that change is, I know not. So, the challenge continues. My stated goal is now 100 classes in 100 days. I think I owe it to myself to find out if these glimpses portend something real and attainable, or if they are mere mirages. That said, I draw the line at 100 days. There can be such a thing as too much yoga.

 

It might mean nothing.

 

It might mean everything.

Stay tuned.

Namaste.

  

The Grinder

It hurts.

EVERYTHING hurts.

Knees. Hips. Shoulders. Back. Front. Teeth. Hair.

It. All. Hurts.

I could go back and recount each class but that would bore you. And me.

Let's just say that I'm in the grinder, and I'm being chewed up.

There is no rhyme or reason to it. One class is OK, the next I'm flat on my back and questioning my sanity.
Questioning my practice.
Questioning my life.
Questioning everything.

Add to that the fact that I was unable to take class for two days in a row. Now I've got 17 days to do the last 20 classes.

Some highlights:

Class 33: No water, no lunch. Yet, I walk in with the feeling I'm going to kick ass. Instead, I'm down for the count at Triangle.

Class 34: Took the 5:30AM. Somehow I manage to get my hands behind my feet in H2K!

Class 35: Bad night all around. Instructor sets up in front of me and warms up by doing perfect handstands one after another. Surrounded by really good students who outclass me. I was the flabby, pale guy surrounded by toned, fit, healthy yogis. No confidence or will power. I was toast before Triangle. Yes, I know I'm only supposed to focus on myself but sometimes it is impossible -- especially when everyone is doing a perfect Balancing Stick and I'm standing there with hands on hips, gasping for air.

Balancing Stick Pose

(That is NOT me.)

 

That's really all you need to read. Lots of laying on my back. One decent class followed by a terrible one.

The cycle has kept up this week. A good double on Sunday, tough nights Monday, and Tuesday, then a surprisingly good class this morning! Since I'm taking class again tonight, it must mean that tonight's class is going to be a bitch. 

 

And so it goes...

 

 

Namaste.

 

 

Thoughts at Halfway

Saturday, May 2

No yoga today, and if I'm honest, I'm thankful for that. 

I have made it halfway through my sixty day challenge -- actually I'm on 31 classes. Wednesday's single class was followed by a double on Thursday to reach 30 classes in 30 days. That was followed by a 5:30AM class on Friday morning (necessary because I was on assignment and had a 64 mile commute that day). That meant that I had completed three classes in 14.5 hours. All three classes were actually pretty good. The surprising part was how flexible I was in the morning class where I am usually not very bendy... Needless to say, however, by the time I got home last night I was toast. I slept very well (almost too well -- I overslept by a few minutes but made it to work on time this morning).

So, I thought about sharing a few tidbits at the halfway point. 

1) This is more difficult than I remember. 

Of course it's been almost six years since my first go round with this yoga, and that first year I did two challenges that summer. At 47 things progress just a tad more slowly than at 41. 

2) I am more mindful of form. 

In the past, I would alter a pose or alter the entrance into a pose just to "look right". I didn't want to be the fat guy or the old guy who couldn't perform a pose. I was a "poser" of sorts (pardon the pun). Now, I'm far more interested in entering and exiting the postures correctly and safely. Thirty classes in and I'm seeing true results. 

Example: In Hands-to-Feet, I almost got my hands behind my heels on Friday morning. Actually I did get my hands in the right place for just half a second (just long enough to have one of those 'I am a yogi!' moments. Now, I don't sit out Triangle nearly as often, and if I fall out, I try to get back in a lot more often. My practice has become more meaningful to me. 

3) ALWAYS HAVE A SPARE COSTUME!

Somewhere around class 15 or 16, I had one of those "Oh No" moments. We had just finished Standing Head-to-Knee and I was adjusting my shorts (simple drawstring gym/basketball shorts) when I heard a worrying "SNAP" and felt my shorts go slack. 

"Uh-oh. Please, God, no."

I tugged at the waist and surprisingly, the was resistance. I figured that if I kept REALLY STILL and could get through Standing Bow without incident, I would continue.  I did, and I did, and once we got to the floor, I had no worries. Turns out that the string had held by one single strand. Now, there is always a backup pair of shorts in my bag!

4) You find support where you did not expect. 

As more of my fellow students and instructors have learned of my challenge, the response has been so positive I just can't believe it. When I walk in the studio or the locker room, people say:

"What day are you on?"

"You doing OK?"

"That is great! Keep going!"

The support really helps. 

Your challenge can, in turn, inspire others. For example, my work study partner showed up unexpectedly on Thursday for my 30th class. She had previously said she couldn't make it. When I asked her what changed, she replied simply:

"You encouraged me."

By the way, if you recall, she had to start her challenge eight days after me because of illness. She is somewhere in the mid20s and catching up. More inspiration!!

So there we are. A quiet Saturday evening has passed into a brilliant Sunday morning. Back at it today, then another tough stretch from Monday to Wednesday: three work shifts, two cleaning shifts, and another 5:30AM class on Tuesday as I'm on assignment again with another long commute. In addition, there will be three, maybe four more doubles before this challenge concludes because of my work schedule. As I recall from my previous challenges, classes 30 through 50 were really tough. You're deep into this thing, and there seems to be no end; no light at the end of the tunnel.

Yet. 

Just need to focus on the next class.

The next posture.

The next breath. 

Have a great week!!!

Namaste. 

From Thirty to Sixty

That day off I spoke of at the end of the last post turned into two days off. Although it has been one year since I quit smoking, the asthma associated with it flares up every so often. Sunday was one of those days. After cleaning house in the morning I started wheezing badly, so it was off to bed with my inhaler. I didn't sleep well, and was exhausted on Monday. My class on Monday was a wreck. No strength. No balance. No will. No confidence. I hit the floor after Standing Bow and stayed there. Thought a lot about abandoning the challenge. Thought (again) about giving up my practice. Thought about how I do not belong in a yoga studio and how fat and flabby I am. Thought about emotional eating (since I had left my wallet at home that morning I was starving and slammed down a HUGE fast food burrito when I got home). Very negative evening. The best part came after class: I had a work study partner and I didn't have to work alone. That was a blessing. 

Tuesday dawned with much improved breathing but my lungs hurt a lot. I didn't get a lot of sleep and I was really out of it. However, as the day wore on I started to feel stronger and breathing was easier. By the time I got home from work I was thinking that it was going to be a good night. The class started out great, but by Triangle I sitting down again. I did attempt the Spine Strengthening poses but there wasn't much oomph behind them. Once again I was gassed. This time, though, I took it in stride. I didn't beat myself up. I accepted it and moved on. 

The next couple of classes were pretty much the same until this past Sunday (26th). After two poses, back spasms popped up and I left the room and went home. Monday's class was much better, and last night I did a double to make up for Sunday's class. The heat was lower but the humidity was higher. I was drenched five minutes into each class but felt pretty strong. 

So, with the halfway point coming up (oh, did I not mention? I decided to stretch this challenge to SIXTY days!), I have a single class tonight, then a double again tomorrow to make 30 classes in 30 days. Feeling good, but from past experience I know the next 15-20 days will be a grind. I'm ready. I think. 

Namaste. 

Overwhelmed

After that fantastic class I wrote about in my last post (almost exactly a month ago), I thought my practice was on its way to a new level. I was feeling good. Strong. Dare I say, centered.

I thought wrong. Every class since has been a struggle. I seem to be regressing at an alarming rate. Postures that I loved are now difficult. The postures that I loathe are now impossible, or ignored altogether. Two weeks ago today, I went to the 9:30AM class. I thought I could work through it. Nope. I broke down to the point that while the class was going into Savasana, I rolled up my mat, showered, and hastily left the studio. As I walked to the bus, I wept.

I'm cranky. I'm short tempered. Last week marked 29 years at my job, and it's driving me nuts. Never meant to be there that long, and I feel like my life has been a waste. Add in issues with money, transport, and relationship, and long story short, I'm not in a good place. The clouds, ice, and snow of the past week have played havoc with work (long bus rides and never getting caught up) to yoga (only one class in a week --most classes cancelled), to food and sleep (the wrong kinds and too much of the former, never enough of the latter).

My cynical side is alive, well, and rampant. I read lots of tweets and articles from successful, inspirational people who simply want to share their successes, or tips for success/wellness/health. one of which posted the following saying:

"Those who say it can't be done need to move out of the way of those who are doing it."

I lost my cool and replied, "Consider me moved out of your way."

I shouldn't have done that, but I was pissed. Still am, really.

I mean, I bust my ass everyday just to do one thing I enjoy (yoga). Add in the normal, humdrum things one must do (shopping, cooking, laundry, sleep, etc) and there simply is no time for me to do anything else. The very cross, cynical me wants to know just how in the hell am I supposed to be so damn perfect? Where do I even START??  I'm 47. Going back to school seems pointless. I've NEVER known what to do with my life; probably never will. My practice is for shit. I cannot even reach my heels anymore in Hands-to-Feet. In the final part of Wind-Removing (the bit where you draw both legs into your chest while attempting to get your entire spine on the floor), I cannot breathe AT ALL. My gut squeezes my lungs to the point where I cannot draw in any air. I have returned to my old custom of wearing a shirt during class because I am ashamed of my food choices and my body. Everything hurts. I gasp for air. I combine a remarkable lack of balance with incredible weakness and ZERO confidence. 

I read lots of stuff about changing my eating habits. Moving to a more plant based diet. Improving my health. Improving my mental outlook. Trying to start a meditation practice. Finding what I really want to do with my life. Taking charge. I'm good at trying to help others be better people. I am very bad at taking care of myself. Can't be done. If it were possible, would I not have done it already? I see and read about people who are living the lives they dreamed of and I am equally happy (for them) and despondent/jealous.

I signed up for a posture clinic next week. Now I must cancel that. More issues/drama.

I'm overwhelmed, overfed, and undernourished.

"Those who say it can't be done need to move out of the way of those who are doing it."

I'll just move over here, shall I?

It.
Can't.
Be.
Done.


Peace.

Just give me a minute...

I need to get some things out...

I love yoga... once I get to the studio... It is really difficult to get there some days -- especially, for me, during the winter. I just want to eat, drink coffee, and hibernate. I bet I've gained 12-15 lbs. since Thanksgiving. As a result...

I feel like a failure a lot these days. Seems like I'm just "treading water" in the room. In some respects, I have regressed -- I couldn't tell you the last time I was able to grab my heels in Hands-to-Feet pose -- mostly because I cannot suck enough of my stomach in. I feel really tense, and extremely inflexible.

It seems like I'm in a fog most of the time. Perhaps it would be better to say I feel like I'm underwater. Every so often, when I can break the surface and take a breath, I can clearly see the things I need to do to better myself -- I can see the path. Then, I sink back down into the everyday, mindless, numbing daily routine. Before I know it, days have passed before I realize I'm right where I was because it is the next time I "break the surface" and realize I haven't done anything -- again. Did that make any sense at all ?

I am thankful for work-study. Twice a week, I get to spend an extra hour in the room while I clean it. More sweat. It's quiet. I can think. It's peaceful. Best two hours of my week sometimes.

I still have horrible eating habits. In some ways it has improved, but not today. Lunch (coffee for  breakfast) was leftover fajitas with way too much rice and tons of chips with almost a pint of hot sauce (all this while watching "Hungry For Change" for the umpteenth time on Netflix). I ate until I couldn't eat anymore, then I ate more, as if I might not eat for a week. When I go to the store, I grab a cookie or two for the drive home. Sometimes I stop at McD's on the way home. I have taken to buying donuts every morning at work... after stopping at another McD's for breakfast and coffee. Food has fully replaced nicotine for me (but at least it is now 11 months since I had a smoke!).

Sometimes, I just want to give up. Quit. Pack it in. Nice try, but you fell short. Get fat and die early like my mom. Smoke my way to pneumonia, cancer, and respiratory failure like some of my relatives. Be diabetic and lose limbs like so many people I've seen.

No.

No.

NO!!!

I can't do that. 

Long way to go.

Just take another step.

One more breath.

One more posture.

One more breath.

One more posture.

#gotoyoga

#just breathe

Peace.

  

Giving Thanks

It is Thanksgiving Day. A time for family, food, and football.
Here it has been a beautiful, sunny day. Nice and cool.

So, before the turkey knocks me out, a few things I am thankful for:

A job and a home.

Family and friends -- extra special at this time of year. Tomorrow will be the sixth anniversary of my Mom's passing. The holidays will always be a bit darker but time heals.

For all of those who serve the nation, especially those of my friends in the Armed Forces, Thank You!! May you soon be home with your loved ones!!!

While I couldn't make the single class today, I am thankful that, after two weeks of a cold, a respiratory infection, and an asthma attack, I made class the last three nights, and they were great!!

My yoga practice in general: the fact that once again I can practice regularly, the friendships renewed, the new friendships formed, the knowledge that, slowly but surely, I am building a better version of me. I cannot begin to describe what being back in that room means to me.

Quitting smoking: Over ten months now and I have no cravings whatsoever. In fact, the smell of a cigarette is repellent to me!!

Last but certainly not least: YOU!!!  If you read this, Thank You! If you are a Twitter friend, Thank You! If you are a long distance yoga buddy, Thank You! Your energy and support are appreciated!

Hoping the holiday weekend is full of joy... and a yoga class or two...

Much love to all!!!

It's A Partnership

For the last week or so, I have been having a rough time in the room. I'm not talking about sitting out a posture or two. I'm talking about laying out before Triangle and staying down for the remainder of class (Monday). I'm talking about getting fed up and walking out at Camel (Tuesday). I'm talking about feeling so weak and at times ashamed of how poorly I'm doing that I started to reconsider my practice (last night during the floor series).

Let me explain. 

If you have been following along, you know that I hurt my right knee almost two months ago. It's coming along but I still have a lot if trouble balancing on it. Also, the spine series has become problematic -- Cobra is good but Locust, Full Locust, and Floor Bow are painful. Locust is the worst -- each time I attempt to lift a leg -- how do I explain this -- it just feels like there is a power failure at the base of my spine. My leg goes up an inch or two and then I run out of power and my leg falls back down. Trying to lift both legs at the same time is next to impossible. I've managed that only once since returning to practice. 

So what happens next? First, my Fixed Firm pose suffers, as I cannot always get my backside seated on the floor, which infuriates me. Then we get to Half Tortoise, which I have never been able to do correctly, and I get pissed off. Now, Camel has become an issue -- difficult to do both sets, and by then I'm ready to just quit. 

So last night during a Savasna, a horrifying thought popped in my head:

"What if I just can't do this anymore?"

There are times in one's practice that you hear the instructor's voice but aren't really hearing the words. Then there are times when those words cut through the fog in your head like thunder. Last night was one of those times. I do not recall the exact words but the basic idea was as follows:

"Try to let your mind and body work as partners. So often, when the body doesn't do what we want it to do, it becomes adversarial... It turns into 'My knees aren't working right... I can't do this...', as if the knees were you to blame. You abused your knees for years and now you're blaming them? Don't blame your body, WORK WITH YOUR BODY. Be partners. "

Whoa. 

Those words snapped me right back. 

I made it through class and took stock of things:

My nutrition and hydration have not been up to snuff lately. Lots of sweets in the break room, few if any vegetables, not eating regularly, far too much coffee and not enough water. 

Although I have now been to over 50 classes in just over 100 days, I need to attempt a more even schedule -- no more three or four day layoffs if I can help it (fully realizing that sometimes it is unavoidable no matter how hard I try -- and that is ok -- sometimes there ARE more important issues than yoga).

I don't stretch any more before class. Why??

I may be 46 (gulp), but I'm not a damn invalid. I can do yoga! For Chrissakes, just do the damn posture!!

So, what's next? More yoga, of course... including a first on Saturday... a MasterClass.

According to the studio, we will be led, "...through Bikram's Beginner Series as we all knowit, spending extra time to share information on alignment, execution, adjustments and modification as well as medical benefits. This is a great opportunity to learn more about the yoga and take your practice to a new level; it will surely be great fun to experience a slightly more interactive and colloquial class than usual. So drink up, sign up, see you there!!"

Sounds like something I need to be a part of.

I'm in. I'll let you know how it went next week.

Namaste.

When one class simply isn't enough...

Vacation is coming to an end. In a few hours, it's back to the mind numbing, day to day grind. My goal for these eight days was to attend nine classes. Naturally this meant that somewhere I'd have to do a double.

I've taken two classes in a day before but never the true, back to back double. So, after yesterday's class (which was quite strong), I made sure to drink at least 5 liters of water (with a little coffee thrown in at breakfast) and stretch throughout the day. Cleaning house and doing more loads of laundry than I can count kept me moving and my body loose. A good night's sleep and there I was at 7:35 this morning to take the 8 and 10AM classes.

The only word that comes to mind is AMAZING.

Knowing that there was three full hours of yoga ahead of me, I knew I had to keep some energy in reserve. So, for the first class, I took it slowly. In each posture, I didn't go to my edge where I might fall out, but just short. I figure I was going 80-90% into the posture -- where I could feel the stretches and compressions while keeping my breathing under control.

You know in the dialogue where they say, "The slower you go, the better you do..."?

They (yet again) are correct!

My floor series in the first class was so much better than normal!! I did all the postures -- even gave it full effort in both sets of Rabbit, which isn't normal at all. Overall, the first class was quite the success. After a pint of coconut water and a costume change, I was ready for class number two. As an added challenge, I moved from my comfortable spot on the right side of the room all the way across to the far left side (got to beware of attachments, you know).

Quite simply, my second class was phenomenal.

The warm-up was actually quite difficult. Half-moon was harder the second time, as was Awkward. After that, things went more easily. In Eagle, I got each foot behind the leg and held it for almost the entire time! Then, after Party Time, the miracle happened. I was able to actually lock the knee and kick out the leg in Standing Head-to-Knee. In both sets!!! Couldn't kick out straight, and couldn't stay there long, but I finally got there!! I was amazed and pretty damn proud of that! The rest of the Standing series was a blur. Took a knee twice but I was just so happy about such a huge improvement in SH2K. Even took a crack at Toestand, which I used to love but a balky right knee has made very difficult.

The floor series was harder but I actually went further in most of the postures than I have in a long time! My spine-strengthening set was so much better! After that I started to falter, but fortunately I was surrounded by three ladies and a gentleman who, by simply continuing to do posture after posture, kept me focused and energized. Each time I thought about taking a set off, they would all rise as one. I just wasn't going to try a double and lay out the final 25 minutes. With their silent assistance, I did every posture and made it through. My post-class mineral water has rarely tasted so good.

Overall, since the first class was a warmup, I was so much more flexible for the second. Therefore, instead of using my strength to find flexibility, I was (for once) using my flexibility to gain strength. In addition, my mind was more clear in the second class. There was less mental resistance, less "monkey mind", and more surrendering to the moment. It really was just a matter of listening intently and moving and breathing. Finally, the second class seemed to fly by. It was hard to believe I has just finished two back to back classes, let alone survived them so well!!

It can't be done all the time, but if you can invest a full morning or afternoon I hope you try to do a double. Your body, your mind, and your practice will thank you.


Namaste.

Nerves

It's the night before I start again.

Tomorrow, I plan to be back in the hot room and starting back down the path of a regular Bikram yoga practice.

I'm nervous, to say the least. It's been 27 months since I had a regular practice. I've taken some classes here and there but my life has been largely void of yoga, or anything fitness related, in some time.

Stopped by the clinic and had my weight and blood pressure checked (253 and 126/84). BP is good and, surprisingly, I weigh less now than when I was first introduced to yoga. Still, long way to go.

I know I can do this.

I will persevere. I will work and stretch and breathe. I will succeed.

After a long detour, I'm back on the road.

If you're interested, follow along with me. Find your own mat. Get back on it. We can do it together.

Ready?

Begin.


***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***

There is one thing I am sure of. Tomorrow, I will take class with a heavy heart. One of my first Bikram instructors passed away a few days ago. She taught some of the toughest classes I've ever taken (she held poses seemingly forever at times, and would turn the fans off at the start of class so things would get extra juicy). She also loved to play her guitar and sing and had a great laugh. She left us far too soon, and I will be thinking of her while in class.


Namaste.

Acceptance

This one will be short. No practice yet. Too many things going on. Seems as though neither Sweetie nor I will ever get back into practice. Not going to bore you with details, but I am proud to say that I haven't felt this good since leaving the hospital. It has been 99 days since I have had a cigarette, but if offered one right now, I can't swear I would refuse.

Anyhow, I do continue to read the blogs listed at right. In one of them, Bikram Butterflies , Kerry writes of her struggles and how it has helped her learn acceptance. Perhaps that is my issue. I've talked and talked ad nauseam about how badly I want to return to the hot room, to work on me again, to get back to where I was. Maybe I need to just be quiet and accept things for what they are and trust that the worm will turn eventually and my practice -- our practice -- will resume.

Problem: In my mind, I equate accepting with settling or giving up or setting aside.

Am I wrong?

If I stop trying and working and planning to achieve a goal, if I accept that I cannot return to practice, I'm giving up, right? That is the last thing I want to do.

I really don't know what else to say. I learned to love yoga. I miss it. I miss writing about it.

Perhaps I need to learn acceptance.

Peace.

 

The Dark Side is winning...

About a year and a half ago, I wrote the following post. It is written from the point of view of the "Dark Side" of my brain, telling me to give up this "yoga thing"...

                       ******************************************

Hey.

Hey, Mark.

It's me... you know, the guy you were before you started this insanity.

The guy who loved nothing better than pounding cheeseburgers and pizza, and washing them down with liters and liters of Dr. Pepper or Coke. The guy who would inhale potato chips or cheese curls while sitting for hours in front of your gaming console, stopping only to go out and enjoy a fine cigarette. Or two.

You do remember me, don't you? The guy who would toss back a couple of beers (or more), plus a couple of shots (or more)? The guy who thought that runners were weird (I mean, really, you run and run and run, and you're not really going anywhere, you're just tiring yourself out). The guy who never understood how someone could work out in a gym for two hours, or swim three miles, or hit a silly punching bag. 

And God forbid you try anything like yoga. Those yoga people are true freaks -- tree-hugging, soy-eating, tattooed freaks who bend their bodies in unfathomable ways. Just looking at them made you feel uncomfortable!

So, what happened, buddy? Where have you gone? Off the deep end?

Ok, I can understand. It was new, it was different. It has also been a pain in the ass!! I mean, those classes are really hard! It's so friggin' hot in there!! Not only that, you did something called a challenge: 52 classes in 60 days! I thought that was ridiculous in itself, but then you did it AGAIN!! Insane!! I was so glad when you had to stop going for that six months -- I thought sanity had prevailed. Imagine my horror, then, when the studio called looking for work-study people. You never gave me a chance to put in my two cents, you just hauled off and went right on back without any chance for me to shout you down. So, once again, I am put through this hell two, three, sometimes five times in a week!!

And for what?

You make me drink so much water or Gatorade -- I want a soda!

You make me eat vegetables and, God forbid, fruit! At least you don't eat a lot of that yet.

You drag me into that oven, bend me, stretch me, and make me sweat and sweat and sweat.

You force me to breathe that hot, humid, nasty air.

WHY???

It doesn't have to be this way. Let's be reasonable about this.

You don't really have to do this anymore.

I know you lost 45 pounds, and you are a bit more flexible and all that.

I don't care.

Let's go back to the way it used to be. No more of this foolishness. 

No more spending all day trying to get three or four liters of water down your throat.

No more eating better.

No more sacrificing two hours of your day for this madness.

Let's go get that ice cold Coke. And a couple of burgers.

Let's not worry about how you will fit in three classes this week. Let's watch TV or play games.

You can do it. I know you can. I've been watching.

I've seen you give in from time to time. Fast-food breakfast here. Candy bar there.

And yes, I've seen you have a smoke from time to time. It's once a week, for now, isn't it?

I've watched you crumble in that room, too. Laying out for long stretches of class, or leaving the room altogether -- what's wrong Mark? Can't take it anymore, buddy? I notice that once the postures start, you're having a really hard time looking in the mirror at your own two eyes, or your knee, or anything else. You stare at the floor (or the ceiling when you're on your back, which is happening more and more often). Your muscles scream and your body feels limp (that's my doing -- it seems to be the only way I can get your attention).  You have trouble hearing the instructor because I am there, whispering to you, "It doesn't have to be this way. You don't have to do this to us.... Let's quit."

So, come on! Let's get that pack of smokes, a giant pizza, and a 12-pack of soda. Let's fire up the Playstation, or watch the ballgame. Let's not have anymore of this lunacy.

No one needs to know.

It will be our little secret.....

Take your time. I'll be here.

 

                     ********************************************************************************

 

He is winning.

As much as I think about yoga, I have not been able to get back in on a regular basis. 

Part of me is happy -- the part that cannot stop eating junk and smoking. I have gained back nearly half of the weight I lost.

Part of me longs for that hot room -- so I can try to heal myself.

 

On Sunday, there is a community class at Sumits -- $5 for anyone who wants to come in.

 

I must get myself there. 

 

 

"The moment you're ready to quit is usually the moment right before the miracle happens."

-- Unknown

 

 

So, it MUST be right around the corner, right?

 

Namaste.

 

   

 

Undone.

Ok.

I give up.

I know when I’m beaten.

I get it, already.

No Bikram since November.

One solitary Baptiste class since then.

Every time I think that I’ll be able to resume my practice, SOMETHING happens.

I can’t get all my ducks in a row.

I can’t get all the lights to turn green.

I have almost completely returned to the person I was before discovering yoga in general, and Bikram in particular.

I’m smoking. Half a pack some days. I went five months and one day without. Then, I picked them back up without batting an eye.

I eat junk. Burgers, doughnuts, chips, junk upon junk upon crap. While I’m not yet back to 285 lbs, I’m definitely getting closer. And closer.

I’m not drinking too much soda (yet), but I mainline coffee… with lots of French Vanilla creamer.

Sleep brings no rest, no dreams, no energy. The ringing alarm clock is both blessing and curse.

I find it difficult to concentrate on anything. I try to read an article or a book. I try to write. I used to think I really had something to give or share. Now, I just don’t know.

I kept telling myself that if I could just hang on, or if I just worked a little harder or longer, things would get better. I would find a way back to that place. I would walk back into that chamber and sweat and pull and stretch and BREATHE. I would feel alive and healthy again. I would work toward that goal of being the best possible me I could be.

Now?

I’m irritable. Upset. Angry. Everything is suffering: my body, my work, my relationships, my being. It’s as if I had never heard of yoga. There just doesn’t seem to be a way to get back in the room from here. For now, there are just too many obstacles to hurdle.

I was never really a yogi in training, was I? I was  just a “wannabe” yogi.

I walked into work the other day, realized the futility of it all, and began to cry. Not sniffle. Not weep. I cried. (Fortunately, since I get there earlier than most, no one saw me.)

It was just a passing fancy, this idea of me practicing yoga. A summer romance.  A one act play.

I had hopes for this week. I might, at least, get an introductory 10-class card at Indigo. It will not happen – save for a miracle of some sort. I tried to practice here at home, but it was laughable (plus I just can’t get a room that warm without causing a problem). I can’t see getting back to Bikram anytime soon either. I was always hopeful that this hiatus would be short and painless. Now, I don’t know when, if ever, I’ll get back.  To be honest, I'm beginning to think it will not happen.

Yoga still fascinates – and scares – me. I still read lots of blogs. I still believe in the power and beauty of yoga. My dream of going to training is still on my bucket list. I see and read about people who are changing their lives with the help of yoga -- and I want desperately to change mine.  I am was a (small) part of an ever growing online community of yogis trying to grow and share and make this planet just a little bit better.

I’m frustrated.

I’m tired.

I’m sick of writing about NOT practicing. 

I'm sick of being who I am.

I'm sick of having empty hopes for change.

I’ve come undone.

" Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time.
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over,
Thought I'd something more to say."

                                                 "Time" by Pink Floyd from Dark Side of the Moon

                                    

Peace.

Panic! In The Room

I have managed to get to five classes in since my last post. It has been a tough week... so much so that I left early during two of them. The pattern was pretty much the same. I would have trouble standing on one leg... horrible balance. Triangle pose would only be a rumor. My hips would hurt terribly and every move would be uncomfortable to sat the least. Then, the heat and humidity would lay me out on my mat, and then it was just a matter of time until I would look for a chance to head for the door. Tuesday was the worst night. Things fell apart so fast... I was down for the count before long before Triangle... I panicked and left somewhere right after Spine Strengthening, and as I cooled down I considered whether or not I was really cut out for Bikram Yoga anymore. I told my instructor of my thoughts, and she silenced me immediately: "You are certainly made for this!! You are Mark!! You are a yogi!!"

As I have said before, I am not looking to be a famous, world champion yogi. I just want to be healthy and happy. Later, I took a longer look at the last few days. I have not eaten well every day. On Tuesday, for example, it was 2 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and 2 liters of water. When at work it is not always possible to eat or get enough fluids in, and it has been tough for me to drink enough water anywhere. I just haven't been that thirsty, unlike when we were doing Challenges and I was easily drinking 4 or 5 liters each day. Add allergies to the equation plus the occasional cigarette (I know, I Know, I KNOW...) and I have not treated my body well lately. It has often been said that your practice is a mirror of your life outside the room. I don't like what I see... so much so that it was difficult to stare at my own two eyes in the room.

Today's class brought new hope. I am still having a really hard time keeping my balance...my legs just shook today. However, I got through three out of four sides in Triangle, but had difficulty in SSL Head to Knee. Really, my standing set was better than in weeks! I started to lose it on the floor, though... Cobra, Locust, and Full Locust were very hard as my back felt really weak. I sat out Camel and Rabbit, and Head to Knee Stretching and Spine Twist were pretty half-hearted, but I stayed in for the duration.

Lessons? Many. Diet. Hydration. Self-confidence. I must work on all of these.

One of the themes of late at the studio has been, "Be happy about the postures you CAN do. Don't get down on yourself for the postures you cannot do.  Each day is different and your body will be different. Honor yourself for being here and doing the best you can on that day."

Along those lines, the other mantra has been, "The only bad class you can have is the class you do not attend."

For me, it has been a reminder that I cannot half-ass my way through this process. I must stay focused and committed.

When is the next class?

Peace.

My goal for 2011: 200 classes.

46 down, 154 to go