At Some Point The Bar Doesn't Matter

Hello again!

It started on 29 February. I began a 60 day Bikram challenge which morphed into a 120 day challenge.

Today would have been Day 117.

Let me type that again.

Today would have been Day 117.

Alas, it is not to be.

From the start in February, this challenge has been the most demanding one I've ever undertaken. Illness, injury, work schedules and life events have taken their toll. I would get behind, then do double after double to catch up. Then I would get behind again, and repeat the process. When I got to Day 60, I was nowhere the level of proficiency I had attained last summer (read about it HERE). So I just kept going. And going. And going.

Problem was, my practice got worse. And worse. And worse.

I would start yawning in Pranayama. I couldn't extend my arms in Half-Moon. I had neither balance, nor strength, nor flexibility. I couldn't pick up or hold my foot in Head-to-Knee. Sometimes I couldn't reach back for my leg in Standing Bow. I was spending 45, 60, sometimes 70 minutes lying on my back. My anxiety grew. Crowded classes were difficult because there were so many people. Small classes were difficult because there was nowhere to hide from the instructor (as if one could hide from an instructor). I rarely focused on myself in the mirror. My diet improved... sometimes.

Still, I was going to knock this out and get back into form. My FB post from June 7:

"Here we are. Day 100, Class 94. This year, it has been infinitely more difficult -- I feel like a beginner again. If you've set up next to me or led any of my classes, you know what I'm talking about. That said, I am nothing if not stubborn. I've got 21 days left to complete 26 classes and I intend to see this through. Searching for that "A-ha!" moment where things fall back in place. And if it takes another 60 to figure it out, so be it."

Brave words, but hollow. The harder I pushed, the worse things got. From June 15:

"Do you ever suffer from impostor syndrome? Do you ever feel as though you simply have no business being in this room with these wonderful men and ladies? That you just don't quite fit in? Do you ever wonder how they can keep going, posture after posture, while you crash to the floor with your head down, feeling like a complete fool? Do you ever wish that the floor would open up and swallow you whole? Do you ever wonder? 

Haha. Me neither...

(Asking for a friend.)"

‪I was hoping I could make it work, but no. My classes got a little better, but I was just exhausting myself trying to catch up. I wasn't going to fall short. I wasn't going to FAIL.

When this week started, it was very simple: do doubles Monday - Friday and then rest up for a triple next Monday the 27th. (My work schedule prevents me from making any classes this weekend.)

I wasn't happy about it, but I was prepared to do it. Until Tuesday past.

From June 22:

"I did not take class tonight. I'm here to fulfill my work-study obligations.
A few days ago, I wrote about how I'm struggling in the room and how I was going to just keep going no matter what. My current challenge was to do 120 days (I did a 60-day and thought I should keep going), but work and life have put me behind to the point where I would have had to do a triple next Monday to finish on time. Last night a friend asked if I was going to a double and when I said yes they stopped me. Said they see me struggling. Didn't want me to do two classes, and if I did then at least simply do one set of each posture. Didn't want me to kill myself in there. Wanted me to get the full benefits of the yoga. Said it was ego that was driving me. 

You know what? This person was correct. 

Achieving a set number is great, but you can lose yourself in it. I just wanted to be as proficient as I was last summer. When it wasn't happening quickly enough, I felt like I was failing. I pushed harder and harder, ultimately to my detriment. I've never NOT completed a yoga challenge, and it is really hard to admit I'm going to fall short. But it would be better to stop and reset. So at 114 days and 110 classes, I'm stopping. Taking a day or two off. I'll get where I want to go, but I can't rush it. I must trust the process. 

So, no, I didn't take class tonight.
And I'm ok with it.

To that friend, Thank You!
Blessings to all."

The studio owner replied:

"What you have accomplished is nothing short of amazing. It's beyond what most of us could ever do. Please don't keep setting the bar higher and punishing yourself for not reaching it. At some point the bar doesn't matter. This is that time. You have done enough challenges and enough doubles and enough back to back yoga classes. Take a break. Take care of yourself. None of us are measuring you or your classes. We love you for you. I hope you can too."

Having a difficult time with that, as I have for most of my life.

I just don't quite know how to do that.

I planned on going to class tonight, but no. I'm going to rest some more and perhaps do some more writing this weekend  -- perhaps even here. 

Yoga can wait a little while longer.

Namaste.

 

¡Vamos!

This past Friday I was privileged to take a special Bikram class. For the past month. we have had a visiting instructor from Colombia named Monica. As a treat for all, she taught her final class with us completely in Spanish. 

  

This special class had been announced a week earlier and instantly people were talking about it and wanted to be a part of it. For myself, I had a choice to make: take the class en Español or take my second Core40 (intermediate) class. I wasn't sure what I would do until a couple of days prior. Since Monica was staying at the studio (there is a tiny room with a bed for visitors) she got to see the work-study crew quite a bit. So on Wednesday when she gave each of us a small gift of high quality chocolate, the decision was made. Honestly, give me chocolate and I will do almost anything...

Anyway, Friday arrived and an unexpected errand had me rushing to make the 4:30 class. Looked in the room and there was already quite a crowd. I grabbed a spot and stretched as much as I could. The gong sounded and Monica entered to a hearty round of applause. She was taken by the moment and expressed her gratitude at how many people were there. She then told us that there would be no more English spoken in class, to come to standing and ,"Have fun!".

Now, I am by no means fluent in Spanish, but I did take four years of it in high school. Every so often I do have to use it to try and help a Spanish speaking customer, but it's very broken. One extra help: one of my yoga buddies is Hispanic and was set up in front of me so I could take visual cues if needed. 

"¡Vamos! Inhale... Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, seis... Exhale..."

I could pick up bits and pieces about keeping your  codos (elbows) up and out. The first thing you notice is how many words are used and how quickly they are spoken. Monica did say that there are twice as many words in the Spanish version of the diálogo. Despite the language difference, it wasn't terribly difficult to keep pace. Once into the postures, it seemed easier. We bent our bodies a la derecha, then a la izquierda in Half-Moon; each time being challenged to, "Empuja. Empuja. ¡Empuja!" In Standing Bow we were exhorted to. "¡Patea mas alto!". El Triángulo is still difficult regardless of the language used. We all learned very quickly that the command "Cambio" meant "Change". When she gave a correction and the student complied, she would happily say, "¡Eso es!" ("That's it!"). I recall that most of the Sanskrit names were used for each asana. The memorable exceptions (apart from Triangle) were La Media Tortuga (Half-Tortoise), El Camello (Camel), and El Conejo (Rabbit). After each posture we were reminded to, "Respira por la nariz."

Observations:

1) Because the language was different, no one could really get a jump on a pose. It seemed to me that we were moving in unison far more than in a normal class. It also seemed that everyone was giving maximum effort; pouring themsves out on their mat. The result? Less extraneous movement and much better, more pure energy flowing through the room. 

2) Personally, it was one of the best experiences I've had in that room. Joyous. Simply joyous. Because of the language change, I was actually listening for the first time in quite a while. I was involved again. Had to be to avoid looking silly. I got my hands under my heels in Hands-to-Feet for the first time since the challenge ended. I worked so hard in that pose that my heart was racing much faster than it would in a normal class. My pulse kept racing through Triangle but it felt fantastic. I felt alive!! After a while, the words became more like music to me and I floated into the yoga zone, that blissful, safe place where one is truly one with the universe inside you. That place where the rest of world disappears and it's just you and your breath. The class flew by so fast that suddenly we were doing Rabbit then stretching and breathing and I just wanted to slow time down and savor every second. One of my top yoga experiences. 

The applause at the end was even louder that at the beginning. Everyone was smiling and in such a great mood. In the lobby afterwards, there was champagne, laughter, and hugs. A marvelous afternoon of yoga. A beautiful event that I was privileged to be a part of. 

If the chance arises to take class in a foreign language or in a foreign port, DO IT!! You might just get a lesson in how interconnected we truly are. 

Namaste. 

It's Called "Awkward" For A Reason

I have a new "least favorite" posture (outside of Triangle, obviously).

The Sanskrit name is Utkatasana.

In class, it's known as Awkward Pose.

I call it a pain in the ass.

It's a three part pose, and I have difficulties in each part.

First, one must stand with feet hip-width apart -- about six inches. Interestingly, I no longer hear an instructor say, "... two fist-widths distance between your feet". Then the arms are extended out in front of the body, palms facing down. While keeping the feet parallel and the arms extended and the heels on the floor, you are supposed to sit down until your thighs are parallel to the floor (as though there was a chair there for you to sit in). There is always an instruction to arch the spine back while keeping toes, heels, knees, and hands all six inches apart. This seems to be an impossibility for me... I can lift my head up and get my neck straight but my shoulders are always angled forward and I see no way of "arching" the spine back. All the while, my hands are beginning to shake, and for some reason, the joint where thumb meets hand cramps up -- to the point where I have to flex or shake my hands to get them to relax. Then, a brief respite of sorts:

"Change. Come back up. Keep your arms there". Man, that hurts!! Sadly, though, we're just getting started.

"Second part. Stand on the tops of your toes (like a ballerina). Bend your knees and come down halfway...". Only I cannot. I try and try and topple and fall over and over. I have tried standing on the balls of my feet. No dice. I have tried to "wedge" my feet up where the toes meet the foot and stand in that "crease" of sorts. Nope. I have tried to fan my toes out and try to grip the floor. Negative. I either topple forward (I think because my gut screws up my center of gravity) or my calves can't stand the strain and I have to return to a flat-footed position. If you read from "Bikram's Beginning Yoga Class", it states:

"Give it all you got. Every time you think you've risen as high onto your toes as possible, you haven't. There's always a "higher" and "forwarder"... The farther forward and upward you roll the insteps and the heels, the farther backward you must lean to be anywhere near straight-backed."

I have asked instructors for tips, and while they can demonstrate the idea, I still have no clue. There is a disconnect somewhere between my brain and my toes. I'll keep trying.

"Change. Keep those arms up! Come up slightly on your toes and bring your knees together to start. Inhale, stomach in, and you go down. Slowly. At least ten counts. Spine straight position. Leaning against the (imaginary) wall. Hips 1/2 inch above your heels...." Before I hurt my knee in April this was the easiest part for me. Four months later I am just now feeling confident that a) it will take the strain and b) that it will be nearly painless. Even on my best days, however, I have really concentrate so I don't rock back and forth and fall out of the posture. As for that next bit about bouncing "up and down like a motorcycle ride", well, that would simply make me fall out. 

Finally, the instructor calls out for us to come back up and complete the posture. I am gassed damn near every time and the first part of Eagle always seems to suffer for it. My arms are dead, my legs are shaking and I feel defeated. 

Every so often, when I'm waiting in the lobby or locker room, the subject of "hardest postures" come up. I hear "Camel" or "Triangle" or "Standing Head to Knee". I never hear Awkward Pose mentioned. Am I missing something here?

Knees up, heels up!!

Namaste. 

Go to Yoga!!

Although I have yet to convince any of my friends to join me in the hot room, I am asked from time to time, "When is the best time to go to yoga?".

Good question. 

So, I thought about it for awhile, and I think I have the answer:

When your heart is light, go to yoga. 

When your back is tight, go to yoga. 

After a fight, go to yoga. 

After a long flight, go to yoga. 

When you wake, go to yoga. 

Before you sleep, go to yoga. 

Depressed, stressed, or maybe blessed? Go to yoga. 

Relationship in tatters? Go to yoga. 

When it seems that nothing truly matters, go to yoga. 

Searching for answers, or the right questions to ask? Go to yoga. 

Want to meet new friends and have a blast? Go to yoga. 

When you want to learn more about the universe and your place in it? Go to yoga. 

Want to learn more about yourself? Go to yoga.

Want to smile more, laugh more, maybe even dance? Go to yoga. 

Want to be thrilled when you buy smaller pants? Go to yoga. 

There really isn't a reason NOT to go to yoga. It doesn't matter which type you try: Bikram, Sumits, Baptiste, or any other type. 

Just go. 

NOW!!!

Namaste. 

I Thought I Knew Savasana

Fifty minutes or so have passed in your Bikram class. You've stretched and pulled and bent your body in a myriad of ways. You've been asked to show "bengal tiger strength" and "bulldog determination". You've attempted to pull on your heels, lock your knees, and touch your forehead to the floor (or your knee). You've tried oh so hard to balance on one leg, then the other, then on your toes. If you're like me, you've also been awake for fourteen hours commuting, working, preparing meals, cleaning, or any of a hundred different things that might make up your day. You're getting tired, you may be a wee bit dehydrated or nauseous (that cheeseburger two hours was a mistake).

You need a break. You need it badly.

Then those magic words ring out:

"Lie down on your back. Savasana."

You crumple in a heap on your mat, guzzle down some water, and try to get yourself situated. While all this is going on, you dimly hear more dialogue that may or may not include the following:

"Bring your legs together, heels together, feet fall open. Arms by your side, palms facing up. We take two minutes here to relax and let the body sort itself out. Focus one spot on the ceiling, resist the urge to adjust your costume, to scratch, to wipe, or anything else. Empty your mind and focus on full, deep breaths. Belly rise, belly fall."

Of course while these words are spoken, you (meaning me) are too busy doing almost ALL the things you aren't supposed to do. The sweat is running down everywhere, making me itch. My breathing resembles a locomotive instead of in and out through the mouth. My mind races with thoughts of what to eat after class, what the following work day looks like, the grocery list, etc.

That was Savasana for me when I began practicing. Over time, it has gradually moved to a more relaxing, renewing break before the floor series.

At least, I thought it was. Then about ten days ago, I had a small revelation.

There I was, laying quietly, breathing in and out through the nose, legs quiet, no scratching, no moving, mind quiet. The instructor said something I've heard a thousand times: "Relax your neck."

I did. It felt like my neck dropped six inches, although it was much less than one. I never knew how much tension I held there! I was surprised at how much of a difference that made. Now, I really focus on relaxing ALL of my body, from heels to head. The clearing of the mind is still a challenge every class, but it's getting better. I have been interested in getting into meditation, and this is a good way to begin.

Last week, I learned a good tip for Savasana on your stomach. Try to touch your earlobe to the floor every time in order to stretch your neck fully. It works!

How long to stay in final Savasana? You are told two minutes. Five is better. Stay in the moment. Let your body get acquainted with all you have done. Meditate. Breathe.When you get up and leave the room, the world will still be there, doing it's very best to break you down. Make the world wait for you instead of the other way around for once. You've just done something wonderful for yourself. You've spent time on yourself. And your Self.

You deserve it.

Peace.

Nerves

It's the night before I start again.

Tomorrow, I plan to be back in the hot room and starting back down the path of a regular Bikram yoga practice.

I'm nervous, to say the least. It's been 27 months since I had a regular practice. I've taken some classes here and there but my life has been largely void of yoga, or anything fitness related, in some time.

Stopped by the clinic and had my weight and blood pressure checked (253 and 126/84). BP is good and, surprisingly, I weigh less now than when I was first introduced to yoga. Still, long way to go.

I know I can do this.

I will persevere. I will work and stretch and breathe. I will succeed.

After a long detour, I'm back on the road.

If you're interested, follow along with me. Find your own mat. Get back on it. We can do it together.

Ready?

Begin.


***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***

There is one thing I am sure of. Tomorrow, I will take class with a heavy heart. One of my first Bikram instructors passed away a few days ago. She taught some of the toughest classes I've ever taken (she held poses seemingly forever at times, and would turn the fans off at the start of class so things would get extra juicy). She also loved to play her guitar and sing and had a great laugh. She left us far too soon, and I will be thinking of her while in class.


Namaste.

You just never know...

 You just never know...

Hello again! Once again, long time, no write (but that will soon change....).

A couple of anecdotes before the big news:

Way back when (when I was actually practicing regularly), one of my regular customers had commented on how much weight I had lost and asked how I had accomplished it. When I explained about Bikram yoga, she remarked that she wasn't sure if she could do hot yoga, but the idea of doing yoga in some form seemed interesting to her.

Fast forward to this past October. I see her in the store. She is in workout gear and looks like she has just finished up at the fitness club. I inquired as to what she had been up to.

"Just finished yoga!", she said.

"That's great!", I replied. "What type?"

"The bendy, stretchy type."

I laughed out loud at this. Then she asked if I was still practicing. I had to say, "No. Not for a while now." 

"You need to go back. I was inspired by you. You can't let yourself stop now."

I was stunned. I managed to stammer a thank you and she went on her way.

You just never know who will hear your story and try something new for themselves.

        ***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***

Things have been extra stressful at work. Holidays, inclement weather, and a new competitor down the street have put the microscope on myself and my co-workers. One day not too long ago, one of my compatriots pulled me aside to vent on a few things. After listening to her I offered a way to take five minutes and calm herself down:

"Heels and toes together. Interlock your fingers..." I walked her through Pranayama breathing (at least, as well as I could remember). We did five breaths together and she wondered at how GOOD it felt. She walked away smiling and able to return to the task at hand.

You just never know when you can use the smallest bit of knowledge to help someone in need...

       ***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***

I was checking Facebook yesterday. There was a post from my old Bikram studio looking for people willing to clean the studio in exchange for free yoga.

Work-study is back!!!

I sent off an e-mail immediately. This afternoon I got the phone call.

I AM BACK!!!

I will work my first shift next week, but I can begin practicing immediately. First, though, I need to step up my hydration and be prepared for class. Physically, I've regressed to the point I was at when I took my first ever class. At 46, I'm a little worried I won't be able to get back to where I had progressed before. At least this time, I know what I'm in for.

You just never know when that second chance will appear. Don't let it slip by...

I am so excited about this!!

For the first time in FOREVER, I get to write about a real yoga practice. MY practice.

I can't wait!!!

Namaste.


 

A sort of homecoming...

I did it!

I returned to where it all began -- my (new) old Bikram studio. Quite an experience!

Got there about 15 minutes prior to class. After filling out the necessary forms and meeting the instructor (an affable gentleman named Michon), I met up with the owner, Tammy. She welcomed me back with a hug and wished me a Happy Belated Birthday and told me how happy she was to see me back. Tammy was an instructor under the previous ownership but now she runs the place. She then stopped me and told me, "Hey, take it easy in there. Have fun."

The lobby is now a nice boutique with clothing, mats, water bottles, and the like. Works of art most of which are for sale) adorn the walls, and the place has a definite Southwesten/Old West vibe. Very nice indeed. The hot room was just where I left it -- only with a darker mix of colors and an extra ceiling fan or two. The carpet was different -- I did have a little trouble trying to keep my feet from sliding out from under me at times. here are four lines across the room instead three in the former configuration. That said, I set up in about the same place as when I took my first class.

Michon teaches a very brisk class. His delivery is good but fast, and he stays very true to the dialogue. Still, it was easy to keep up for a while. I am proud to say that, while I missed a couple of situps, I did not sit out ANY postures. Fell out plenty of times, but never sat.  Even in Triangle, I was able to get back in after falling out.

Other impressions:

1) Any posture involving a forward bend was torture. From Hands-to-Feet all the way through Rabbit, my gut got in the way and made breathing difficult. I would pop up, take a breath, and try to bend forward again. Hopefully, with a better diet and more Bikram, that will improve quickly. Also, my balance was atrocious. In Standing head-to-knee, Standing Bow, and Balancing Stick, wobbling and falling out was the order of the day.

2) I listened to my body and stopped where necessary. In Camel, I could bend back and grab my right heel, but when trying to grab the left heel, I had to stop because I felt a grab in my back. Before that, in Fixed Firm, I could not get my shoulders to the floor. I didn't feel bad about it -- I know that in time I will get back there. Michon even called me out during Camel, letting me know it was OK if I could not express the posture fully -- "You're doing what you can today. Next time will be better. Good work." I must admit that made me feel at ease.

3) There was one familiar face in the class, but at times I admit I was reminiscing. I could hear the voices of past instructors, I could see the room as it was before, I thought of struggling alongside Sweetie and other people that we got to know through the yoga. I did feel a wave of nostalgia at one point.

4) I was shocked at a) my breathing, and b) how little water I drank. My breathing was actually good. Very few times did I gasp for air. The only time I drank water was at Party Time, which floored me. I did feel thrst near the end but by then I decided it could wait.

And then, it was over. The lights were dimmed, Michon thanked us for attending and even said, "Welcome Back, Mark. Good job today." I stayed a while and soaked in as much heat as I could, then showered and departed. Before leaving I was reminded that I am still eligible for the $49 intro special.

Next payday is next Thursday.

I think I'm back.

Amen!

Namaste.

Hello, again!

Nice to be back. It was a long, stressful summer.

In addition to the long, hot days and ceaseless stress at work, I found myself taking Sweetie to ER twice. She is doing much better now, back to her normal, wonderful self. Turns out she developed an allergy to wheat/gluten. We are now much more cognizant of what we buy and eat. We are reading up on the subject, and have gone through lots of gluten free products in an attempt to find things that a) are tasty, and b) don't upset her system. Lots of trial and error, and less than appetizing items. We are having to rethink our way through grocery stores and restaurants. If anyone has ideas, books, or products to try, please leave a comment below.

Of course, there was little chance to practice yoga. However, over the last few weeks, we have talked about returning. Sweetie knows that one of the things I would love to do is learn to teach. She is fully on board with the idea. This means that I need to resurrect my practice. Therefore, I am going to take a Bikram class tomorrow for the first time in almost exactly two years.

I'm mortified.

I'm in almost the same shape as I was when I took my first Bikram class in 2009. Overweight. Smoking (yes, again). Weak in body and mind.

This time, at least, I know what I'm in for. The heat. The sweat. The discomfort.

I guess the thing I'm afraid of most is that I won't find whatever it was that kept me going to yoga in the first place. That I will go, have a horrible class and decide, "Well it was fun but I'm not up for this anymore.Two years of inactivity is just too much to overcome. I want a pizza. And a cigarette."

That scares me. It means that I'm weak. It means that I would prefer to continue to do the things that destroy my body rather than begin the process of healing it again.

I tried to get acclimated today by going to a different studio. Karmany Yoga has been hailed as one of the best in the area, so I gave it a shot. It was not good.

Lovely venue. Instructor (Eric) was very nice. Four other students, all female. One hour class.

I was miserable. It was warm but I didn't break a sweat until halfway through. Strange postures. Inversions. Using the wall for some postures. Using blocks and rolled up mats that you put between your legs or put on the floor under your belly. I spent a lot of those postures either standing around or in Child's Pose. Near the end, we did Cobra and a variation of Locust. Those went well, as did the Warrior/Triangle poses -- but the Triangle we did was a faint version of Bikram's. Overall, I was not impressed. I am not used to using props, and I don't think you need them. Some of the moves were just painful because (in my opinion) we were not warmed up properly.

I just hope tomorrow doesn't go down like that. I know it will be one of the toughest classes I've ever attempted. I just want to once again discover what drew me to yoga in the first place.

Time to continue hydrating. Class is tomorrow at mid-morning.

Wish me luck!


 

One step. then another...

Greetings! For those who observe Easter, I wish you a warm and happy one!

I am much recovered from the bronchitis described in the previous post. I have now gone 31 days without a cigarette. There have only been a few occasions where I wanted to smoke, but I brushed those feelings aside pretty quickly. Also, one of my co-workers is now attempting to quit. She has eschewed regular cigarettes for one of the electronic kinds that produce water vapor instead of smoke. She remarked that she feels better and that her clothes don't smell anymore. Excellent!

The new issue for me is food. I have been substituting food for nicotine and it feels like I am eating ALL THE TIME. I made a point to write down everything I ate for two days. I felt ill when I looked at it -- fast food, junk food, huge restaurant portions (plus all the free chips and salsa I could eat -- it was my favorite Mexican restaurant). Most of time I'm drinking coffee and precious little water. Listing my intake hasn't stopped me much, though -- so far today I have eaten two slices of  toast with butter, one slice of bread with butter (while waiting for the toast), two everything bagels (one with cream cheese), cookies and three four cups of coffee. No water, no juice, and not a crumb of anything healthy.

 Here is the goofy part: I went to the clinic today for a routine blood pressure and weight check. The last time I went was two days before going into the hospital. That day my BP was somewhat alarming: 154 / 94; and I weighed 253 lbs. (114.8 kg). Today, my BP was much better at 128 / 80, but the goofy part was that I had actually LOST four pounds -- I weigh 249 lbs. (112.9 kg). After all the crap I have consumed, how on Earth could I actually be lighter, if only slightly?

In any case, action must be taken. I have put together a three step plan to get myself to a more healthy place.

Step 1:  I have given myself three weeks to slow down and work on eating better. Why three weeks? Basically because Sweetie and I are going on vacation soon, and it's no fun trying to be "good" on your holiday. That said, I will attempt to at least drink 2 liters of water each day and eat decent meals without all the snacking that takes the place of smoking breaks.

Step 2: The first day back from vacation, I will begin a 14-day cleansing program. We did a seven-day cleanse last year with great results. The 14-day program is a bit more intricate but the dietary rules are the same: no red meat, no caffeine (that will hurt), no bread or pasta, no dairy or eggs (my cheese habit will suffer), no corn (?) or any processed fruits or vegetables, NOTHING artificial. As I said, I have done this before for seven days... I hope I don't go insane in the second half of this. I could stand only so much rice bran bread and puffed rice cereal with soymilk, and have you seen the price of organic/all natural nut butters or quinoa? Perhaps green juice is the answer? I have found some promising recipes online. In any event, I have already purchased the cleanse kit, so no turning back.

Step 3: This is the big one. Sweetie and I have talked at length about finding new careers. We are both less than happy with our current jobs, and I asked if she thought I would make a good yoga instructor. She said I would be fantastic. Then she asked a couple of our friends (one who practices and one who doesn't) and they both said that was a good thing to try. So, if I truly want to chase this dream I obviously must resume a regular practice. So, on May 1, I will be at a studio and taking class. Problem: I'm not sure which to choose. I love practicing Bikram but the cost of training is scary. It costs less to train for Sumits and while I very much enjoy his form of yoga, I seem to feel strongly that Bikram is where I need to be. Of course, attending Indigo and learn the Baptiste form would be interesting as well.

In any event, I have put together this timetable and I hope we can make this work. I may be broke before it's over but I'm going to get this done. Time is ticking and I'm tired of the person I am. I can be so much more, so much better.

I'll keep you posted. Questions, comments, or good wishes? Send them my way... I'm going to need a lot of good energy.

Namaste.

PS: Lunch will be two apples, 5 oz. Greek yogurt, and 1 liter of H2O.

 

The Sumits Experiment -- Conclusion

As I feared, I was only able to get to class twice in the last week of my intro package at Sumits. On top of that, I had to do a double just to accomplish that. Last Wednesday, I went to the 5:30AM class and found that my body was VERY stiff and inflexible. Just moving into and out of up/down dogs was torture. I got through the class, and by the end of it I felt pretty good. Since I had the day off from work, I decided that a second class was possible. After cleaning house, running errands and making sure I was sufficiently hydrated, I got back to the studio for the 4PM class.

What a difference. I breezed through warm up and the standing series. I felt like I used to feel when I was practicing regularly at Bikram. The flow part of class wasn't that bad either. Even allowed myself a little smile as we transitioned to the floor. From there it became more difficult, but I still had a much easier time. I could literally feel my hips open more, my breathing was more in tune, and I was much more focused throughout the second class. When I got home I was very sore, but it was that good, honest, "I really accomplished something today" kind of sore. Over the next couple of days, my hips and back felt so much better!

What did I learn?

I learned that I could actually perform this type of yoga. It is, in my opinion, just as strenuous (if not more) as a Bikram class. It may be10 minutes shorter, but I think you do more in a Sumits class. In Bikram, you are asked to do 26 postures to your maximum with a (brief) rest period between each. In Sumits, you stack postures one on top of the other, which keeps your heart and lungs working harder for longer periods. The third flow set only lasts 3 1/2 minutes, but it is the most difficult and I am gassed when it is completed -- if I can get through it without stopping. Each type tests you in their own special ways.

Other differences?

In Bikram the postures are the same every day. In Sumits the postures and flows are the same every day, until you get close to the end. When you get Head to Knee with Stretching, there can be variations. For example, you do the basic pose starting with the right leg and then the left, then stretch both legs out, grab your big toes and pull. After that, the instructor might call for a butterfly -- legs folded, elbows to knees while continuing to grab the toes and pull. Then, you may be asked to go into a half-lotus and pull, then another half-lotus for the opposite leg. The other big difference comes after moving to the floor, where it's time for crunches. Sometimes its 10 straight crunches, sometimes its 10 straight, then 10 obliques to the right and 10 to the left. Sometimes, its 15 each. Guess it depends on how the instructor feels. After the crunches come the "bicycles" -- legs in the air kicking with elbow to opposite knee. I know I need them, but they are my least favorite parts of the class. Then there is the temperature in the room. At Bikram, some instructors would turn off the ceiling fans and maybe crack the doors an inch at Savasana. At Sumits, the door gets opened at least three different times for 30-45 seconds, and the fans are always on. Seems like they have been told to try and keep the heat at exactly 105 degrees. The last big difference is that the instructors incessantly tell us to, "Have fun!! This isn't the end of the world. There is no competition. Do your best. Honor yourself. If you need to take a break, move to Savasana or Child's Pose and meet us back in Down Dog. HAVE FUN!!". They are just as knowledgeable and supportive as any Bikram instructor I've known but they seem a bit nicer.

So, I would call this "experiment" an unqualified success. In my opinion, if Bikram and Sumit were to join forces, they would be unstoppable. If I could open my dream studio, one would have access to both forms. If I could afford to do so, I would take classes at both studios -- Bikram one day, Sumits the next. I could work on each individual postures at Bikram, then incorporate it into the Sumits class the next day. It would be absolute bliss. Back here in the real world though, I am aiming to purchase a longer duration package at Sumits (after the holidays) while securing perhaps a 10 or 30 class card at Bikram  --  I can't forget my yoga "roots". Besides, as much fun as being at Sumits is, it just makes me miss Bikram that much more.


Namaste.

The Sumits Experiment -- Part 2

Two more Sumits classes under my belt this weekend. The recap:

Yesterday: Took class at noon. It has been unseasonably warm here with highs in the 80's... wondered what effect that would have. Room was hottest that I have experienced (found out that I was a little off on guessing the temperature; the room is kept at 105 degrees with 50%-60% humidity). Only five people in attendance, and an instructor I had yet to practice under. She was more of a "technician" than the first two instructors. She also has a more forceful delivery than the other two. Remember that last time I wrote that I hadn't encountered a "drill instructor" yet. I would not put her in that class, but she has come the closest.

With only five in the room, the instructor asked everyone to group to gather on the left (hottest) side of the room. She said that the energy would be better if everyone was close together. I was already there, in the back row (thankfully she didn't ask me to join the other four on the front row), right under one of the heaters.

She was right. I thought the energy in the room was really good. The "technician" part? Well, she spent a lot of time helping us with alignment -- especially in the Standing Postures. In Awkward, Eagle, Standing Head to Knee, and Standing Bow, she had us check every part of our alignment. It really helped me a lot. Still a long way to go on the "flow" parts but each day is a little better. My biggest problem is simply that all the flexibility I gained through Bikram has disappeared. That, and the crunches and ab work we do in class. Never was a fan but I know I need them.

Today: Attended the 10:00AM. Largest class yet for me -- 18 in class I think. Lots of energy in the room. Arrived a little late and was right back under the heater. I didn't mind, though. I think my body has gotten used to sweating again -- the last two days I have been soaked to the skin in sweat -- and it feels good. I got through the Standing Postures OK, but I fell apart on the floor: sat out Camel, Rabbit, Stretching, Butterfly, Half-Lotus, and Shoulder Stand/Plough. Got back in for Wind Removing/Spine Twist. Not great, but not bad. To be honest, I am simply happy just to have had a chance to practice for seven straight days. I have seven more days on the intro package, and going back to work will make attendance more difficult. I'm going to just take one day at a time and take it as a golden opportunity when I can get to the room.

I have already decided that after the holidays I am going to do all I can to get back in that room and stay for a while. I am really enjoying this. I want to get better at it.

Have a great week!!

Namaste.

The journey begins anew...

So! Five months plus since I wrote anything. Even longer since I actually attempted any form of yoga.

 That ends today.

It has been a long and sometimes difficult summer an early autumn. However, things have begun to improve -- so much so that, while I am on vacation this week, I am attempting a "yoga vacation"/ "boot camp".

It goes like this. At noon today I will visit Sumits Hot Yoga and sign up for the introductory special: two weeks for $20. Sumits bills itself as combining "traditional Bikram poses with Ashtanga-inspired flow". In addition, the class is set to music. This will be the yoga I practice most this week. I'm going in with an open mind and just very grateful that I finally have a chance to get back into any form of yoga. In addition, I want to visit Karmany Yoga, which is even closer to my house. Karmany has several different classes -- I really want to try a "slow flow" class in which extra time is taken to get into and out of the poses ( a real chance to learn ).

Finally, as part of this week of yoga, I will attempt to go back to my old stomping grounds at Bikram Fort Worth. I'm shooting for Friday to go there, using the week to ramp up to a full Bikram class (plus it will be my first time to take class there since the ownership change and renovation).

So, with just over three hours to go until this adventure begins, how do I feel?

Nervous. Funny, but up until last night I was sky-high. I've been really looking forward to this for the most part. Last night, though, I started to worry. Will I be able to do it? Will I be able to go each day? Will I still LIKE yoga?

I try to sweep those questions aside. I NEED to do this. My body hurts. Back spasms everyday. Knees aching every morning. More importantly, however, I just need to get somewhere quiet so I can try to silence my brain for just a little while. I need to regain the focus and peace I developed while practicing. I also need to get this gut under control!! It is embarrassing and I want it gone. Finally, I am hoping that while I am practicing this week, I can find a way to continue my practice beyond the next seven days. They say that if you ask the Universe for help, you will find a way. Hopefully I will see the opportunity when it pops up!

There you are. Starting back down the road. Trying once again to establish a regular practice. Trying to improve myself, strengthen myself, and learn more about myself. Just have to remember to breathe......

Back soon (promise).

Namaste.

Undone.

Ok.

I give up.

I know when I’m beaten.

I get it, already.

No Bikram since November.

One solitary Baptiste class since then.

Every time I think that I’ll be able to resume my practice, SOMETHING happens.

I can’t get all my ducks in a row.

I can’t get all the lights to turn green.

I have almost completely returned to the person I was before discovering yoga in general, and Bikram in particular.

I’m smoking. Half a pack some days. I went five months and one day without. Then, I picked them back up without batting an eye.

I eat junk. Burgers, doughnuts, chips, junk upon junk upon crap. While I’m not yet back to 285 lbs, I’m definitely getting closer. And closer.

I’m not drinking too much soda (yet), but I mainline coffee… with lots of French Vanilla creamer.

Sleep brings no rest, no dreams, no energy. The ringing alarm clock is both blessing and curse.

I find it difficult to concentrate on anything. I try to read an article or a book. I try to write. I used to think I really had something to give or share. Now, I just don’t know.

I kept telling myself that if I could just hang on, or if I just worked a little harder or longer, things would get better. I would find a way back to that place. I would walk back into that chamber and sweat and pull and stretch and BREATHE. I would feel alive and healthy again. I would work toward that goal of being the best possible me I could be.

Now?

I’m irritable. Upset. Angry. Everything is suffering: my body, my work, my relationships, my being. It’s as if I had never heard of yoga. There just doesn’t seem to be a way to get back in the room from here. For now, there are just too many obstacles to hurdle.

I was never really a yogi in training, was I? I was  just a “wannabe” yogi.

I walked into work the other day, realized the futility of it all, and began to cry. Not sniffle. Not weep. I cried. (Fortunately, since I get there earlier than most, no one saw me.)

It was just a passing fancy, this idea of me practicing yoga. A summer romance.  A one act play.

I had hopes for this week. I might, at least, get an introductory 10-class card at Indigo. It will not happen – save for a miracle of some sort. I tried to practice here at home, but it was laughable (plus I just can’t get a room that warm without causing a problem). I can’t see getting back to Bikram anytime soon either. I was always hopeful that this hiatus would be short and painless. Now, I don’t know when, if ever, I’ll get back.  To be honest, I'm beginning to think it will not happen.

Yoga still fascinates – and scares – me. I still read lots of blogs. I still believe in the power and beauty of yoga. My dream of going to training is still on my bucket list. I see and read about people who are changing their lives with the help of yoga -- and I want desperately to change mine.  I am was a (small) part of an ever growing online community of yogis trying to grow and share and make this planet just a little bit better.

I’m frustrated.

I’m tired.

I’m sick of writing about NOT practicing. 

I'm sick of being who I am.

I'm sick of having empty hopes for change.

I’ve come undone.

" Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time.
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over,
Thought I'd something more to say."

                                                 "Time" by Pink Floyd from Dark Side of the Moon

                                    

Peace.

REPOSTED: Yogis supporting yogis: McKinley's Training Campaign

-- Photo courtesy of ilovesweat.com.

Note: This is a re-post from Lisa at Just here. Just now.


 Did you know that someone can be really kind, generous and supportive to complete strangers via Twitter?

No? Then maybe you don’t know McKinley. That’s him, rocking out Standing Head to Knee in that glorious photo above.

(I’ll let you take a moment to stare in awe and appreciation.)

McKinley was a very early supporter of Just here. Just now. He was my first non-family Like on Facebook. He was my welcoming committee to the online yoga community.

McKinley wants to be a Bikram yoga teacher. Everyone wants McKinley to be a Bikram yoga teacher. Bikram should want McKinley to be a yoga teacher.

And he’s ready: he’s practiced everyday for 2 years – without a day off.

(I’ll let you take another moment of awe and appreciation for that piece of information.)

But there remains the pesky issue that training is hella pricey.

McKinley has started an online campaign to help fund teacher training. You can buy I LOVE SWEAT stickers, tank tops/t-shirts/hoodies hand screened by the yogi himself. Or you can make a straight up donation should you feel inclined.

Check out his video explaining his love for yoga and his website I Love Sweat to see his beautiful photographs, artwork and blog. Cazbaz also has a great interview with McKinley if you want to know a little more about the man behind that awesome Toe Stand.

Times are tough, so if you can’t donate, please re-tweet and re-post and let’s see if we can make this dream happen for one very deserving yogi.

Namaste.


Spread the word. Let's see if we can't help out a bit!!


Peace.

The Baptiste Experiment

Last week, while on vacation, I wanted to try some different types of yoga. With four different studios within 10 minutes of home, there was ample opportunity to try something new.

Or so I thought.

Let’s just say that what was supposed to be a calm, relaxing week turned into a hectic stretch of days. It wasn’t until Friday that I could even consider going to a class. Even then, at noon last Friday, I wasn’t sure I would go even if the chance arose.

It was then that I told myself, “You will not get a better chance. Don’t be afraid. Find a class. Go. Now.”

I’ve driven by Indigo Yoga countless times in the six years it has been open. It’s three minutes away from our current home, and is a “Baptiste Affiliate Studio.” – meaning they teach the style of yoga founded by Walt Baptiste in the 1940’s and carried on today by his son Baron. All I really knew about it was: a) it is practiced in a warm room (though not nearly as warm as the Torture Chamber), and b) it involves postures I’ve never attempted.

Lucky me!! An “all levels” class would start in one hour. Thankfully, I had been much better about hydrating all week – just in case I could actually attempt a class. I grabbed my mat, towel, and water and headed for the door when that voice in my brain stopped me:

“Yoga? Really? After all this time, you want to go try more yoga? I thought we had this all straightened out. You realize you will look really stupid. You won’t be able to do much of it anyway. Look at you. You’re weak and flabby and you will be so self-conscious in there. You don’t really need to do this… Stay home. “

I have wanted to get back into a yoga room – ANY room – for too long. I pushed the fear and worry aside, jumped in the car, and went to the class.

The “lobby” at Indigo is very small – more of an anteroom than a lobby. The lighting was subdued and incense filled the air. I signed the necessary form, paid, and headed into the room. The room itself was large – even larger than my home Bikram studio. I could easily see 70- 80 people fitting in there. Pastel shades of blue on the walls, ceiling painted black, black ceiling fans hanging down, music softly playing – very relaxing indeed. Curiously, one side of the room had the fans on, the other did not. I took up a spot on the back row near the center (where there were no fans) and laid down in Savasana, just grateful to be in a warm, if not hot, room. There were around a dozen students, including two other men. The instructor, Kelsey, entered and got us up and began the class.

Wow.

There was no Pranayama breathing to start. She just called everyone to Child’s pose and off we went. No stopping, No breaks between postures. No “party time”. It was, “Upward Dog”, then, “Down Dog”, then “High Plank, Low plank…” and on and on. I don’t mind saying I got lost pretty quickly. I hate to look around at other students but I had no choice because I didn’t know what was going on. My mind returned to that April night in 2009 when I took my first Bikram class – all flustered and bewildered and flushed with the heat. Thankfully, I started to catch on a bit and I really started to enjoy it. I got a good sweat going almost immediately. I did have to stop more than once because either I did not know what the posture was, or I was just beat.

Other thoughts?

1) My Breathe mat was completely inappropriate for the hard wood floor. Off I go to get a sticky mat. Thankfully, Kelsey grabbed one of the studio mats and set it up next to mine so I could work without slipping all over the place.

2) Not used to the instructor walking around during class so much. I was startled when she got behind me and lifted my hips up during the first Downward Dog. 

3) For this particular class, Kelsey returned to Utkatasana (Chair Pose) over and over. My legs quaked so badly. We must have done that pose four or five times. Then there was an addition to the pose where we would turn to one side or the other.

4) Instead of Trikanasana (Triangle), we did Warrior Poses 1,2, & 3. There were extra movements, which made it even more difficult.

5) Frog pose hurt. I didn’t even attempt a headstand or Crow pose. I heard the term “Chaturanga” a lot. Happily though, I surprised myself with a damn good Camel posture!!

6) I did enjoy the cool washcloth the instructor placed on my forehead in the lone Savasana.

7) “Wild Thing” looked ridiculously difficult.

8) I was really sore the next morning. REALLY SORE. And that is good!!

All in all, it was a heck of a ride. A lot of it is still a blur in my head. However, I do know one thing: I want to do that again!! Fortunately, they run an introductory special: 10 classes for $30. I’m signing up ASAP!! They also have a free class for the community every Saturday. Too bad I work most Saturdays.

Unfortunately, that was my only class of the week. I was going to take advantage of the $5 community class at Sumits on Sunday, but that was cancelled for a teaching workshop. Maybe next week. (Their intro special is similar: two weeks for $20 – don’t think I won’t try that one!!)

One other note: before I went on vacation I broke down and had a cigarette, five months and one day after my last one, then had another one four days later. The streak now stands at nine days. :(

Apologies if this post droned on, but I’m just really happy to be actually writing about my practice again! Thanks for listening.

Namaste.

Unhappy Bikram Birthday

Tomorrow, April 13, will be my third Bikram Birthday. It was on April 13, 2009 that I ventured into the Torture Chamber for the first time. Sometimes, it seems like only yesterday. Now, it seems like centuries ago.

I still remember it well:

Walking into the room and getting slapped in the face punched in the mouth by the heat.

Laying down on the mat and silently praying that I wouldn't throw up.

Being so ashamed of my body that I wouldn't take off my shirt.

Learning that my heavy cotton shorts became ten times heavier when soaked in sweat.

Not being able to even reach my heels in Hands-to-Feet pose.

"OK, how the hell am I supposed to reach down and grab my foot?"

"Does it HAVE to be so friggin' hot??!!!???"

"Slow down... only so much water in that bottle."

"Fuck it, I'm SOOOOOOOO thirsty."

"How do you lock a knee?"

"If I try Triangle, they will have to carry me out of here."

 "If I stay 15 more seconds, they will have to carry me out of here."

"I really like Savasana!!!"

"No, wait, just one more minute of Savasana.... please????"

"I'm bringing a gallon of water (and maybe a 10 lb. bag of ice!)  next time... assuming there is a next time."

"Lift BOTH legs? I can't lift one!!!"

(Just before Half-Tortoise):  "Check, please!!" This is where I got up and left the room.

Well, from that inauspicious start blossomed what was, for a while, a pretty good practice. One challenge morphed into back-to-back challenges, and in six months I lost 45 lbs, lost five inches from my waist, and felt absolutely wonderful. From then on, it's gone downhill -- to the point now that I still haven't taken a class since November. A number of factors have contributed to this, most seemingly beyond my control.

I still look forward to resuming my practice. I think about it every day. Unfortunately, it doesn't look as though it will resume anytime soon. Nothing seems to work out like we wanted, and there seems to be at least two new stresses every day. Even quitting smoking (96 days now) has its problems: my lungs are seemingly always congested these days... a combination of spring allergies, humid weather, and lungs trying to detox make it hard to breathe some days... even with my inhaler. A good dose of Pranayama in a hot room would really help. Today has been really difficult. On the good side, I no longer crave tobacco... in fact, the smell of a cigarette now makes me slightly queasy.

One of my favorite teachers, Greg, always said that part of doing Bikram  was not only that I would feel so much better, but I would realize just how bad I felt before I began my practice.

I understand now, my friend. Oh, boy, do I understand.

Namaste.





 

It's not all bad...

It has been an up and down couple of weeks.

The big Grand Opening for Bikram Fort Worth is this weekend. I will miss the festivities (not just because I'm not yet a member; I have to work anyway). Demonstrations, posture clinics, instructors from other studios, EVERYTHING I want to be a part of. I try not to think about it. I get depressed.

I will get back there.

The home studio idea is also on hold. Unexpected auto repair = $$$. Have yet to get a mirror for the spare room. It may be a bit. I bite my lip, take a breath and try to keep calm. I want to scream. I want to throw something. I want to gaze toward the heavens and ask, "Why?". Even now, I'm starting to shake. I never, EVER thought I would feel this way about yoga, let alone something like Bikram Yoga. I am still open to trying other types of yoga (the Sumits Yoga down the street has yet to open -- I will check it out; I've had no time to visit Karmany Yoga yet). However, I truly believe that I will end up sticking with Bikram.

I will get my practice restarted. I will learn about other forms of yoga.

When I am able to get the Bikram CD, I am also going to buy two three books:

Bikram Yoga -- the orange book

The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living -- by The Dalai Lama

The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali: The Book of the Spiritual Man -- by Charles Johnston

I want to better myself. I will tear myself down to the foundations if need be. My current self is no longer palatable or viable. I have much to learn. My happiness is not dependent on others. I must do it myself. I deserve this. 

It will get better.  

If I put in the effort, the results will come.


I want this. I need this.


"Begin, please."

Oh yeah, the title of this post? 

Well, I am proud to report that I have made it to 30 days since my last cigarette!! I need my inhaler less and less now. It feels good. No, it feels GREAT!!

Step by step.....


Namaste.

A Dream Delayed

Well, I got to see the newly renovated studio a few days ago. All I can say is, "Wow!!". It looks really cool. Now there is a full window looking in on the chamber, and increased retail space. The showers/changing room are very cool, and a water dispenser has been installed to cut down on plastic bottles. The lobby/retail area has been redone in a classic Western motif -- befitting the town "Where the West Begins".

Yes, the new Bikram Fort Worth is ready to go with a full slate of classes tomorrow.

Sweetie and I, however, will not be there.

I got to talk to the new owner, who completed training last spring and was one of our instructors under the former owners. She is a great person, with a solid vision for the studio. Anyone who reads this blog knows that Sweetie and I were on the work-study program under the old regime. For now, there will be no work-study at the new studio.

Let me say this: I am not angry. I am not upset. (In fact, I was kind of expecting this.)  I understand the situation fully and hold no malice to anyone affiliated with the new studio. I texted the owner earlier today to wish her luck, and tell her that we would be back ASAP.

So, what to do in the meantime?

1) Practice at home: Sweetie and I were discussing converting our spare room into a practice area. A couple of space heaters and a CD player are needed, as well as a mirror on one wall. We could (theoretically) practice anytime. Drawbacks: 1) I think it would be too easy to say, "I'm too tired... need to do laundry/fix dinner/clean house/ etc." and we wouldn't practice at all. 2) Never used the CD before. Will we tire of the same voice/words/cadence time after time? 3) No live instructor to call out corrections -- perhaps preventing an injury or a bad posture.

2) Try a different form of yoga: There is something called Karmany Yoga about 8 minutes away. Meanwhile, about five minutes in the opposite direction, there is a new studio going in: Sumits Hot Yoga. It hasn't opened yet, so I've had no chance to check it out. Bikram is the only yoga I've ever tried. Perhaps I need to try a few different types?

3) Just put the mat away: There are other forms of exercise. Lots of things I could do. I don't think I could just give up yoga (in some form) forever. I enjoy Bikram (well, I enjoy the benefits) and I want to resume as soon as possible. I NEED that time to myself to decompress -- I have missed that aspect more than any other: the chance to push everything aside and just worry about my breath and my postures for 90 minutes.

So, the dream of resuming Bikram is only delayed, not denied.

If you have any suggestions on anything I covered, please feel free to leave a comment (especially when it comes to home practice). I would very much appreciate it!!

Namaste.

The Panic Attack

Yesterday was a rough one. For the first time in a long time (more than a decade at least), I had a full-on panic attack. It happened while I was at work. I have no idea what caused it -- all I do know is that one moment I was calmly going about my business, the next moment I was shaking, sweating, my teeth were chattering, my breathing was quick and shallow, and my heart threatened to pound a hole in my chest. I couldn't figure out why this was happening, and I found it hard to think, which made me even more panicked. I finally decided to take my lunch hour and visit my sweetie at her work just for a minute. I told her that I was unsure about going to class after work, but she encouraged me to go -- to lay down and BREATHE.

It took another hour for me to calm down. After the attack subsided I was exhausted but I decided that Sweetie was right and headed to the 4:30 class. On my way to the studio, I felt like I was going to have another attack. I tried to keep calm and get in the room.

When I got to the studio I advised the instructor of how I was feeling. She said I should go on in to the room (this was 15 minutes before class), lie down and concentrate on slow, deep breathing. Once class started, she advised that my only job for this class was to focus on my breath. In Pranayama, she asked me to try to inhale every last bit of air I could, then really BLAST it out, almost to the point of exaggeration, and push every bit of air back out. If I had to take a knee or lay down, that was cool, but really FOCUS (there is that word again!) on every breath. With that advice, class began. I opted for a spot in the back by one of the doors... just in case.

First set of Pranayama began. I made very sure to inhale really deep and force my elbows up more than usual, while keeping my legs locked. On the exhale, I finally did what they always say: push all the air out until there is NOTHING left and you start to feel a little dizzy. Guess what? By the end of the first set I felt much better. My heart was still trying to race, but it was better. Second set was improved. My Half-Moon was better than normal because I was really keeping tabs on my breathing. In fact, my standing set was not bad, considering the events of the day. I started to lose my composure after Triangle, and my heart started racing again, but just for a moment. I slowed back down and made it through Toe-Stand. On the floor, I was cool until Rabbit. I always feel smothered and claustrophobic in Rabbit, and I came out early both times.

Class ended and I stayed in the room longer than normal. I was really glad I stuck it out -- I had a greater sense of accomplishment than usual -- lately I've just been glad to survive. After a meal and a good night's sleep, I felt much better this morning. I did spend some time this morning trying to figure out why it happened or what triggered the panic attack, but after a bit I just let it go. No sense in worrying. Besides, now I can overcome it with a few deep, focused breaths!!

"Hatha Yoga teaches you to tyrannize your body and make it your slave, so your body does not tyrannize you and make you its slave. Only then, when you control the physical, can you begin to know the God."

                                      -- Bikram

 Slowly, I may be beginning to "get it".

Peace.