The Last Class

You know how there are those days when you just know it's going to be a rough day? One of those days where you wake up with that uneasy feeling in your gut? Where something deep inside you is almost begging you to lock the door and pull the shades down? Today was one of those days.

It started around 2:30AM. That's when I woke up and could not get back to sleep. This happens more and more these days, and I'm mystified as to why. I mean, after 70+ days of yoga, I should hit the pillow and sleep the night away. Anyway, I lay in bed until just after 4:00, then gave up and got up.

"Well, I could go to the 5:30 class."

I nixed that idea right away. I was hungry so I made breakfast then puttered around the house. I could eat, hydrate, and be ready for the 9:30. So, that's what I did. However, as departure time approached, I found myself more and more leery. Something kept telling me to stay home. I fell back on the mantra, "The only bad class is the class you don't attend." I tried to silence the voice in my head and drove to the studio. I sat in the parking lot for 10 minutes before entering the studio. I eschewed my normal spot on the right side of the room and instead set up on the far left. Back row. Right by the door in case I decided to bail. The instructor hit the gong, turned on the lights, and welcomed us to class. That's when it started to go wrong, because he had a theme -- something for us to think about during class:

"For this class, I want you to think about how it would feel if you knew that this class would be your last class. Ever. Eventually we all make that transition from this life. If you knew that this was your last time here, how would you feel? What would your practice look like?"

Immediately, a lady in front of me pointed to her water bottle and declared, "If this was my last class, that thing would be full of vodka." This brought a ripple of laughter, then class began.

Between breathing sets, the instructor implored us to really feel ourselves breathe: "Really feel the inhale and exhale. If these were your last breaths, what would you think about them?"

After the first set of Half-Moon, he kind of challenged us: "Everybody is just raising their arms like this (he mimics the majority of the room by raising his arms over his head in a somewhat indifferent manner).If I knew this was it, I would be like this (extends his arms fully, making near perfect upward arcs, reaching them up as though he was trying to grab the ceiling fan)." 

At the water break, he spoke again: "How does the water taste? Feel the coolness, feel it going down."

I'm not sure how anyone felt about all of this. I do know that it pretty much wrecked me.

As the question rattled around in my head, I withdrew more and more from the class. Tears would well up, then disappear, then well up again.So many things started bouncing around in my brain. To wit:

Damn. My postures are never going to improve.

I wasted a lot of time in my life.

I never even tried to find out exactly what my "best" was.

I always "settled". I never took a promotion. Never tried to find my passion. Thirty years in the same grocery store doing the same thing is as safe as safe can be. And it is death.

I rarely fought for anyone or anything, and almost never for myself.

I never will see a mountain or walk on a beach.

I never took risks. Comfort meant safety, and safety meant building walls and spinning cocoons. I let so many opportunities slip by because of fear or because someone said I shouldn't or couldn't (usually it was me -- that would mean leaving the comfort and safety of the known for the unknown).

I spent way too much time on everyone else and not enough on me. And, when people accused me of thinking too much about myself, I gave in more often than not. I let others set my path -- or I walked someone else's path instead of my own. So, now that I am taking a few timid steps forward toward figuring this out, NOW IT'S FUCKING ENDING??!!??

I will never get my hands under my heels.

I guess there was no need for that bucket list, since I accomplished exactly NONE of them.

 I don't want to die. I don't even want to contemplate it. I fear death.

On and on it went. All the while, I'm trying to kick out in Head to Knee, I'm trying to hold Standing Bow, I'm giving up and sitting out Triangle because I already know the outcome. I could barely keep my balance in Tree, and I didn't dare even attempt Toestand. The floor series was really no better. I did three or four postures, but mostly I was just "killing time", so to speak. I did not spend my two minutes in Savasana. I got up and out of there just as fast as I could. I drove home with the radio off, telling myself I should have stayed home.

I feel fairly confident that I will wake up tomorrow and take at least one class. I feel confident it will be better than the class I had today.

But what if?

It really would suck if it all ended this way. 

If I don't figure this out, it will end this way.

The clock is relentless, and I haven't a clue where to start.

Namaste.

 

 

It's Never Easy

strug·gle

intransitive verb\ˈstrə-gəl\

: to try very hard to do, achieve, or deal with something that is difficult or that causes problems

: to move with difficulty or with great effort

                                   : to try to move yourself, an object, etc., by making a lot of effort

via merriam-webster.com

Think about the word struggle for a moment.

Now, consider how that word applies to your practice.

For me, it is applicable in several ways. 

  : to try to move yourself, an object, etc., by making a lot of effort

The very act of performing postures is a struggle, at least most of the time. I'm a big, ungainly guy who has trouble with his balance but more than makes for it at times with a perplexing lack of strength. When I finally get my balance right, I'm too weak or breathless to hold the damn posture. More often though, the opposite holds true: I can enter the posture but cannot keep my balance for more than a few seconds. this seems to have worsened in the past month. There was one class two weeks ago where I received correction from the instructor in Pranayama, Half-Moon, Hands-to-Feet, Awkward, and Eagle. That never happened before; all because I had so much trouble keeping my balance. Then there are my knees, one of which I injured in April and the other which is now exhibiting a lot of the aches I felt before injuring the first one (did that make sense?). Of course, I have attended only eight classes this month, which leads me to....

...deal with something that is difficult or that causes problems

Just getting to class can be a struggle. It's July. It's hot. I just want to sit by the pool/fire up the grill/take a nap/go to the zoo/etc, etc. Your friends or loved ones want to do those things as well, and you don't want to miss the fun. So you tell yourself you will take an extra class tomorrow/next week/next month. Sometimes you do and sometimes you forget and sometimes you just say "Forget about it". Then there are times when your friends balk at your going to class again and become upset or downright angry. It can be amazing how many of your old friends disappear when you try to change your life... and how many new ones you can make.

: to try very hard to do... something that is difficult... to move with difficulty or with great effort

Once in the room, there are struggles great and small. From trying to get your hamstrings to stretch to reaching down to your heels to the sweat pouring into your ears or nose. Perhaps it's as simple as running late and not getting your preferred spot in the room (let's be honest: ANYWHERE in the room is good). Maybe your body aches and it is really difficult just to get your arms up over the head sideways. Maybe your heart hurts. Maybe you just can't quite get your breath under control and your chasing it in every posture. Maybe you've decided to do a 40-minute Savasana and you see no reason to change your mind.

And yet.. when you make that conscious effort to get to class, to find a spot no matter how unpalatable, when you just try to clear your mind, lift those tired arms up and breathe in deeply...

YOU ALLOW YOURSELF THE OPPORTUNITY FOR WONDERFUL THINGS TO HAPPEN, BOTH IN AND OUT OF THE ROOM!!

 Don't deny yourself. Don't let anyone or anything deny you.

You are special. You deserve to be healthy and happy.

It is not, and never will be easy. And that is just fine.

See you on the mat!!

Peace.

 

MasterClass

Just over a week ago, I found myself in the hot room on a Saturday morning. This was unusual, as I am at work on most Saturdays. Even more unusual was the fact that I wasn't simply there to take a normal class. This would be different -- a MasterClass.

The notice stated that students would be led,  "...through Bikram's Beginner Series as we all know it, spending extra time to share information on alignment, execution, adjustments and modification as well as medical benefits. This is a great opportunity to learn more about the yoga and take your practice to a new level; it will surely be great fun to experience a slightly more interactive and colloquial class than usual. So drink up, sign up, see you there!!".

The first thing I noticed when I got there was the buzz. In the room, the normal 8:00AM class was wrapping up, but there were a lot of people sitting in the boutique/lobby. There was also a bit of a line at the desk of people waiting to sign up. Several instructors were running about taking care of people and prepping last minute things. I saw more than a few familiar faces (including a yoga buddy from back in the day), and some people who were visiting to take this class. The room filled up quickly and I was able to snag a second row spot for myself and a front row spot for YB. I stretched and tried to remain calm -- I was beginning to feel a bit overwhelmed by it all.

There was good reason, too. As we rose to start class, I took a quick look around to find myself surrounded by fit, healthy men and women (there were more gents in there than one might expect). I saw lean, fit, healthy bodies all around -- and then there was my reflection in the mirror . Pale, doughy, blobby , the antithesis of fitness. I tried to wipe those thoughts away and focus on the task at hand.

Eugene, our instructor, has practiced for over eight years and has been in competitons. He is outstanding at quietly getting the most out of you -- almost lulling you into a trance with his voice while just killing you (well, me, anyway) in the postures. That is not negative in any way -- he is one of the best human beings you will ever meet, and he is a great teacher. If you've been around long enough, you've heard the phrase, "The instructor (or class) you dread the most is the one you need the most." For me, Eugene fits that to a T.

The class lasted just over two hours, and most of it is still a blur. Here's what I can tell you:

1) From the off, the energy in the room was so positive, so supporting. At times the postures were so easy simply because everyone was working in unison. Sure, people fell out but got right back to it. I really felt the difference -- it was a living, breathing definition of Namaste.

2) Lots of focus on anatomy and setup. For instance, when doing backbends, do not think of only pushing your hips forward, think instead of pushing your pubic bone/pelvis forward. This automatically pushes the hips forward. Not only in the standing postures, but in Camel, too.

3) Lots of emphasis on the feet in standing/balancing postures. Lots of emphasis on the inner thigh muscles and how they are critical to establishing a stable posture (to stop rolling over on the ankle when on one leg).

4) Exiting the posture correctly and safely is JUST AS IMPORTANT as entering the posture. Do not simply pop back up or out of a posture. You take time to go in properly, you can undo the good work you've done (and injure yourself) by hurrying out of it.

There was so much more to tell but I simply could not absorb it all. It was a wonderful experience. By the time class was over, my mat and towel were absolutely soaked, but I really felt good! Not just physically, but mentally as well. I was quite proud that I was able to hang in for the duration. The staff was awesome about keeping the room just right. Adjustments were continually made: exhaust fan on, or ceiling fans up/down, even cracking the doors every so often. Everyone was on the same wavelength, and the two ladies who did demonstrations were very accomplished.

If you get a chance to attend one of these, DO NOT PASS IT UP!! You will not regret it!!

Hoping your next class is your best.

Peace.

A sort of homecoming...

I did it!

I returned to where it all began -- my (new) old Bikram studio. Quite an experience!

Got there about 15 minutes prior to class. After filling out the necessary forms and meeting the instructor (an affable gentleman named Michon), I met up with the owner, Tammy. She welcomed me back with a hug and wished me a Happy Belated Birthday and told me how happy she was to see me back. Tammy was an instructor under the previous ownership but now she runs the place. She then stopped me and told me, "Hey, take it easy in there. Have fun."

The lobby is now a nice boutique with clothing, mats, water bottles, and the like. Works of art most of which are for sale) adorn the walls, and the place has a definite Southwesten/Old West vibe. Very nice indeed. The hot room was just where I left it -- only with a darker mix of colors and an extra ceiling fan or two. The carpet was different -- I did have a little trouble trying to keep my feet from sliding out from under me at times. here are four lines across the room instead three in the former configuration. That said, I set up in about the same place as when I took my first class.

Michon teaches a very brisk class. His delivery is good but fast, and he stays very true to the dialogue. Still, it was easy to keep up for a while. I am proud to say that, while I missed a couple of situps, I did not sit out ANY postures. Fell out plenty of times, but never sat.  Even in Triangle, I was able to get back in after falling out.

Other impressions:

1) Any posture involving a forward bend was torture. From Hands-to-Feet all the way through Rabbit, my gut got in the way and made breathing difficult. I would pop up, take a breath, and try to bend forward again. Hopefully, with a better diet and more Bikram, that will improve quickly. Also, my balance was atrocious. In Standing head-to-knee, Standing Bow, and Balancing Stick, wobbling and falling out was the order of the day.

2) I listened to my body and stopped where necessary. In Camel, I could bend back and grab my right heel, but when trying to grab the left heel, I had to stop because I felt a grab in my back. Before that, in Fixed Firm, I could not get my shoulders to the floor. I didn't feel bad about it -- I know that in time I will get back there. Michon even called me out during Camel, letting me know it was OK if I could not express the posture fully -- "You're doing what you can today. Next time will be better. Good work." I must admit that made me feel at ease.

3) There was one familiar face in the class, but at times I admit I was reminiscing. I could hear the voices of past instructors, I could see the room as it was before, I thought of struggling alongside Sweetie and other people that we got to know through the yoga. I did feel a wave of nostalgia at one point.

4) I was shocked at a) my breathing, and b) how little water I drank. My breathing was actually good. Very few times did I gasp for air. The only time I drank water was at Party Time, which floored me. I did feel thrst near the end but by then I decided it could wait.

And then, it was over. The lights were dimmed, Michon thanked us for attending and even said, "Welcome Back, Mark. Good job today." I stayed a while and soaked in as much heat as I could, then showered and departed. Before leaving I was reminded that I am still eligible for the $49 intro special.

Next payday is next Thursday.

I think I'm back.

Amen!

Namaste.

The Trouble With Triangle

I hear the words from the instructor and I cringe:

"Now time for the climax of the Standing Series, Triangle Pose, marriage of the heart and lungs..."

Triangle Pose.

I hate it. I suck at it. Nine classes out of ten, I am unable to complete one side, let alone two complete sets.

It goes something like this: 

First, go back one posture, to Standing Separate Leg Stretching. At one time, I could at least get my hands beneath the sides of my feet (never able to grab the heels in this or Hands-to-Feet). Now, it is virtually impossible. Only when I keep my legs two feet apart or less can I actually reach the sides of my feet. More often, though, my hands are grabbing the area above my ankles, or are simply on the floor between my legs. When I try to lock out my legs, my hips feel like they will break. Second set is not much better. So, with that in mind, we move to Triangle.

"Arms over your head sideways. Right leg takes a big step, arms parallel to the floor." Now, the problems begin.

"Right foot turns to the right, left knee locked, bend your right knee until your thigh is parallel to the floor..." The pain starts here... feels like my hamstring is going to tear, and my right hip screams at me. 

"Why am I even trying this? I know what's about to happen........" Seriously, I kind of know the dialogue for the rest of the pose, but usually I have hit the deck, either because my leg and hip hurt too much, or I start leaning backward to the point that I lose my balance and topple over. Most of the time though, I don't even make the attempt, knowing that it is impossible for me. I sit on my mat, head down, burning a hole in the floor with my gaze. When I do look around, and see so many people doing the pose (and doing it well), I'm back to my childhood, watching kids who could jump rope or catch a baseball (I was really uncoordinated) while I tripped on the rope or missed every ball. Hell, I'm writing this now and that familiar, empty feeling has appeared in my gut, and that hot, prickly flush is moving up my neck and across my face. Thirty years later and it still has a hold on me!!!! 

Anyhow, back to Triangle. If I do try the second set, it varies. Sometimes I simply stop short of moving my arms and try to hold the first part of the pose. About half the time, I am successful. Every so often, I can complete one side but not the other. Very rarely can I do one full set, let alone both. 

Triangle holds me back, no doubt. Not only is it a very important posture in the series, it speaks a lot about what is bound up inside me. I could very easily delete all this with one stroke, but I guess I had to let it out somewhere. I've said it here before in different form, but how do I break through, get past it, and let it go? 

I feel like I should apologize. 

Hoping your next class is your best!!

Peace.

7 Day Mini-Challenge: Wrapup

OK, let me say right up front:

I was unable to finish my challenge of nine classes in seven days -- I was only able to complete six classes.

In the most basic terms, I failed.

I don't feel like a failure, though. I am disappointed, but not a failure. Read on....

Wednesday: No yoga. Couldn't get the car out of the shop until late.

Thursday: Fifth class of the week. As an added bonus, I took my stepdaughter and one of her cousins to class. She had taken class before, two years ago. He is spending the summer with us and was interested in seeing what it was like. I set them up on the back row while I was one row up. They both started out well, but the heat got to both of them very quickly, and they took a knee several times. To their credit, they kept getting back up and kept trying to do the postures. By Savasana, however, they were pretty spent. They both tried to do the floor series, and they both stayed in the room for the entire class! My stepdaughter was ravenous almost immediately after class (it was nearing dinnertime, after all). Her cousin said, "It felt like I was wearing a rubber suit I sweated so much!!". He reported that his biggest challenges were in the Balancing Series, and in Floor Bow (knees would not bend too well). He said he would like to try again, just not right away. The next day he reported that he woke up in the middle of the night feeling nauseous and dizzy. He realized he was dehydrated. After a couple glasses of water he was good to go. This after I preached for three days about hydration....

Friday: Our yoga on this day consisted of going to the hospital where my father in law was undergoing a procedure to check for tumors in his stomach and esophagus. He got a clean bill of health!!! Spent most of the day with him and got home too late for class. A great day, nonetheless!!

Saturday: Went to the 8:00 am class and had a true breakthrough!! In first set of Standing Head to Knee, my left knee was locked out to the point where I actually kicked my right leg forwards toward the mirror! Not straight, by any means, but WOW!! It was really cool and I was able to stare at my locked out knee without losing my balance!! I was so shocked that the rest of the standing series flew by. I kind of fell apart on the floor (bad Spine Series, no Camel, one very poor Rabbit) but I came out of class pretty happy!

So, while I am disappointed that I could not fulfill the challenge, there were a lot of cool moments. Off to class tonight.... Hope your next class is your best!!

Peace.

69.

If

Three classes in 13 days. Ridiculous. Every time I think I can get to the studio, life gets in the way. I'm not bitching -- I was needed for different things and I am very happy I can take care of whatever comes up. My practice, needless to say, has almost ground to a complete halt.

I went to class this morning. I almost wish I hadn't. It was horrible. NO balance. NO strength. I hit the deck at Triangle and pretty much laid out for the rest of class. It was quite warm in the room, and I consider it a small (very small) victory just to have stayed in the room. Oh, another thing: I had woken up at 4 AM, so I thought breakfast would be OK since class did not start until 10. Wrong. Or, rather, scrambled eggs and coffee were the wrong thing to have. I was queasy the entire class.

I always look forward to going to class. The fact that I have had so much trouble going regularly is really beginning to irritate me. I know that to put everyone and everything else aside just for yoga is wrong. At the same time, I have to look out for myself, right? If I'm not taking care of myself, I can't really take care of those I love, right? So where do I draw the line? I know, the answer is different for everyone. I need to find that balance, though. Soon.

I'm sure most of you know the poem "If" by Rudyard Kipling. Many moons ago (1997), my favorite sports team, the Dallas Stars, adapted the poem for use in the opening of their television broadcasts. It has always resonated with me. The shortened adaptation is as follows:

If

If you can keep your head

               When all about you are losing theirs…

If you can force heart, nerve, and sinew

               To serve long after they are gone…

If you can meet with triumph and disaster

               And treat them just the same…

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

              With sixty seconds worth of distance run,

              Stare down the foe that looms straight ahead.

              For the battle is won

              Only by those who will fight!

I hope you draw inspiration from it. I still do, at times. It just seems to get harder and harder to summon up the strength for the battle....

 Namaste.

60

 

My Standing Series

In the interest of full disclosure, I thought it time to actually to discuss how I’m doing in each of the postures. I do this for a couple of reasons. First, it forces me to be honest with myself about bad habits or areas to work on. It gives you, the reader, an idea of how far I’ve come in two years of practice -- and more importantly, how far there is for me to go.

Today, I’ll talk about the Standing Series.

Pranayama: Always difficult to keep my legs locked. Left leg is a bit longer and I tend to rock side to side. On the exhale, I almost never remember to keep my eyes looking for the back wall.

Half-moon/Hands to Feet: Most “up and down” posture. If my back is loose, I can get myself fairly deep but keeping the knees locked is always tough. I can sway front to back in this pose, too. If I’m tight, forget it. My back grabs and it hurts. A lot.

Awkward: the first part is OK for me, but the last two parts are hell. If I can merely stand on my toes in the second part (forget about bending my knees), I’m ecstatic. That rarely happens, though. On the third part, I have trouble squeezing my knees together, and one or both knees pop and crackle on the way down. Ouch.

Eagle: My current favorite! I have come very far here. I can now get both feet to hook behind my legs almost every class. Working to keep my upper body straighter once I’ve hooked the foot. I tend to “curl” my spine once I’m in.

Standing Head to Knee: Ugh. I have yet to keep my knee locked for the duration of the posture, much less progress to extending the leg, and on from there. I still have trouble keeping hold of my foot, and I my grip breaks every time. LONG way to go here.

Standing Bow: Another “up and down” posture. IF I can keep my knee locked, and IF I can keep my ankles (both sides) from rolling, and IF I can think to “STOMP THAT HEEL” into the ground, and IF I remember to kick the foot up AND reach for the mirror, I do OK. Some days it’s kind of easy, many days I do nothing but fall out over and over.

Balancing Stick: Not good. Never get arms and legs level. Always feel like I’m falling over to one side or the other. Extremely hesitant to go all out – just leads to me keeping myself from falling, or taking the easy way out and going to my knees.

Standing Separate Leg Stretching: Yuck. I can’t get my legs wide enough to touch my forehead to the floor. Hell, I can barely get my hands to my heels, no matter how wide a step I take. Either way, my hips scream at me. On the rare occasion I do grip my heels, I don’t seem to go anywhere. I pull and pull but I feel very weak when I do, like I would if I was trying to pull a city bus – nothing happens.

Triangle: How do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways. I find it impossible to get either leg to bend to 90 degrees – my hamstrings give me a “cease and desist” order and my hips continue their complaints. If I can manage some semblance of a bent leg, and move my arms to the vertical, I sway backwards and have to hit the deck. I can think of only a few times that I’ve been able to get even close to a decent expression of Triangle. Yuck.

Standing Head to Knee: Another ugly posture. I feel smothered and can’t breathe when I get my forehead to the knee. If I do suck in my gut then it’s harder to bend forward. Again, I have trouble keeping my balance coming in and out of the posture. (This lack of balance thing is REALLY frustrating – tell me again why I do this?!!?)

Tree Pose: More balance issues here too. I used to love this posture – it was the only one where I could actually keep my knee locked and stay balanced. Now, it is tough at times.

Toe Stand: If I’ve had a good Tree, I will try Toe Stand. I can get down there, but balance again is iffy, at best. Coming back up to Tree can be an adventure.

So, there you have it. I’ve come a long way from that 280 pound lummox who huffed and puffed and flopped through his first class. A million miles to go, though.

Hey, it’s all about the journey, right?

Peace.