Getting The Poison Out

Hello, all! 

No yoga posts since Nov 30. I think this past holiday season was the most difficult in my life so far. There simply seemed no end of trials, stresses, and illnesses. As December progressed, it seemed each day was harder than the last. The only celebrations we had were Christmas lunch with my Dad and sisters, then hosting a small lunch a couple days later. On New Years Eve the house was dark by 10:00. The entire month I felt more listless, sick, and depressed. January was much the same. Go to work, come home, sleep (or try to sleep-- insomnia was a major player. The ONLY thing I looked forward to each morning was my stop for donuts, burrito, and coffee. Every morning I plunked down $7.72 for a few minutes of joy. Lunch consisted of MickeyD's or tacos. It caught up with me quickly. I've no idea what I weigh now and frankly, I don't want to know.

Over those two months, I made it to a grand total of 16 classes. I think I completed two of them. Most often I left at or before Savasana, usually just before or after Standing Bow. Three or four times I left after Eagle. 

Why?

Basically, I had gotten so tight I could barely lift my arms. In Half Moon even the slightest bend in either direction brought pain. Awkward Pose was a complete failure: no strength or balance at all. I would simply take a knee and gasp for air. Eagle is usually a pose I take great pride in as I have come so far in that pose. Now I couldn't even come close to getting one arm under the other. It was as though my shoulders were being pinned while trying to get my arms in position. Some nights I couldn't even clasp my hands together, let alone try to get them into prayer position. That would be about the time I would give in and leave. I felt it was better for me to depart rather than be a distraction to those around me. 

So for two months, that was the drill. Go to class infrequently, fail miserably, become intimidated by the beautiful, happy men and women around me, lament my place in the room (and the world), and run away. I had accumulated so much poison from bad food, bad mood, bad everything that I was shutting down. 

The nadir came a week ago Sunday. Super Bowl Sunday. I had to work but I would be home in time for the game. Put the pork roast in the oven to slow cook for pulled pork that night. I was already fighting a head cold but I felt ok. Stopped at the donut shop for the requisite hit of fat, sugar, and caffeine, and rolled into work. About 30 minutes in, I started to feel really bad. Dizzy, headache, stomachache, the works. Left work after two hours, came home and was sick all day, all night, and most of Monday. Slept intermittently. If I wasn't coughing up crap from my lungs, I was... you know. 

I've never felt so bad or had both respiratory and digestive issues at once. It felt like my body had finally said, "That's it. We need urgent repairs. Too much poison. Time to purge. We are shutting down. Deal with it."

So I did. By Tuesday I could eat again but I knew it was time to correct some of these issues. With Lent beginning last week, I decided to try and do without fast food or caffeine for the 40 days. So far the fast food part (including the donut shop) has been easy, but the caffeine part has been more difficult. I've broken down two of the last three days for coffee. 

After ten days away from the room, I got back in last Wednesday. To say I was apprehensive would be an understatement. 

It was good. Shockingly good. 

First, I could actually breathe deeply! I mean a FULL, six second inhale. My lungs felt so much better. I think my lungs have entered another phase of recovery (May will mark two years without a smoke!) and I had to get rid of more junk from the lower part of my lungs. 

Second, side bends did not hurt. My Half Moon felt so good again! Plus, I wasn't gasping for air in the back bend portion of the pose. I was slightly shocked at how good it felt. I still fell out of Awkward but it still felt easier. In Eagle, not only did I clasp my hands (and attempt prayer position) bit I was able to hook my foot on both sides! Yeah, me!

Third, I made it all the way through class. My floor poses are in a world of hurt right now. Long way to go but it felt much better. 

After class, the instructor stopped me while I was cleaning mats. I think it was her first time to teach at our studio but she and her beau have been practicing at the studio for a while and she had seen me abandon class more than once. 

"That is the best class I have seen you take since I've been here. Great job!" She gave me a high five. 

"Thank you.", I said. "It's been rough. I think I just had to get the poison out."

She smiled. "No better place to do it."

No, indeed. 

Two nights later I was back in the room. This time I attempted every posture. I have so far to return to the form I had, but that's ok. There is still some more poison to purge. It just takes time. 

I lost my faith in myself and my life. I'm reclaiming myself. I can do this. 

Namaste. 

It's Never Easy

strug·gle

intransitive verb\ˈstrə-gəl\

: to try very hard to do, achieve, or deal with something that is difficult or that causes problems

: to move with difficulty or with great effort

                                   : to try to move yourself, an object, etc., by making a lot of effort

via merriam-webster.com

Think about the word struggle for a moment.

Now, consider how that word applies to your practice.

For me, it is applicable in several ways. 

  : to try to move yourself, an object, etc., by making a lot of effort

The very act of performing postures is a struggle, at least most of the time. I'm a big, ungainly guy who has trouble with his balance but more than makes for it at times with a perplexing lack of strength. When I finally get my balance right, I'm too weak or breathless to hold the damn posture. More often though, the opposite holds true: I can enter the posture but cannot keep my balance for more than a few seconds. this seems to have worsened in the past month. There was one class two weeks ago where I received correction from the instructor in Pranayama, Half-Moon, Hands-to-Feet, Awkward, and Eagle. That never happened before; all because I had so much trouble keeping my balance. Then there are my knees, one of which I injured in April and the other which is now exhibiting a lot of the aches I felt before injuring the first one (did that make sense?). Of course, I have attended only eight classes this month, which leads me to....

...deal with something that is difficult or that causes problems

Just getting to class can be a struggle. It's July. It's hot. I just want to sit by the pool/fire up the grill/take a nap/go to the zoo/etc, etc. Your friends or loved ones want to do those things as well, and you don't want to miss the fun. So you tell yourself you will take an extra class tomorrow/next week/next month. Sometimes you do and sometimes you forget and sometimes you just say "Forget about it". Then there are times when your friends balk at your going to class again and become upset or downright angry. It can be amazing how many of your old friends disappear when you try to change your life... and how many new ones you can make.

: to try very hard to do... something that is difficult... to move with difficulty or with great effort

Once in the room, there are struggles great and small. From trying to get your hamstrings to stretch to reaching down to your heels to the sweat pouring into your ears or nose. Perhaps it's as simple as running late and not getting your preferred spot in the room (let's be honest: ANYWHERE in the room is good). Maybe your body aches and it is really difficult just to get your arms up over the head sideways. Maybe your heart hurts. Maybe you just can't quite get your breath under control and your chasing it in every posture. Maybe you've decided to do a 40-minute Savasana and you see no reason to change your mind.

And yet.. when you make that conscious effort to get to class, to find a spot no matter how unpalatable, when you just try to clear your mind, lift those tired arms up and breathe in deeply...

YOU ALLOW YOURSELF THE OPPORTUNITY FOR WONDERFUL THINGS TO HAPPEN, BOTH IN AND OUT OF THE ROOM!!

 Don't deny yourself. Don't let anyone or anything deny you.

You are special. You deserve to be healthy and happy.

It is not, and never will be easy. And that is just fine.

See you on the mat!!

Peace.

 

Full Circle, Resolutions, and other Bullsh@t

From my first post, 01 JAN 2011:

 Hello, world! My name is Mark and I have decided to try my hand at blogging. The subject, for the most part, will be my experience of practicing Bikram yoga. For those who do not not know, it is commonly referred to as "Hot Yoga", since the 90 minute class is held in a 105-degree room. I have been practicing since April 2009, and have found wonderful benefit from it, which I will relate as I go forward. Hopefully I will have the willpower and desire to keep up with this -- I've never done this on a regular basis. I hope to be interesting enough to have you, my reader, to return, or to perhaps try Bikram. Unfortunately, as I write on New Year's Day, I am fighting my first ever case of pneumonia, which is going to set me back a bit. I'll write when I can and I hope you enjoy it! 

Indeed, it has been almost one full year since I started this little blogging experiment. For once, I actually had set a couple of goals for myself. I wanted to improve my practice. I wanted to learn more about the yoga itself. My stated goal was to attend 200 classes this year. I wanted to eat better, live better, and be healthier.

Well, so much for that.....

To be fair, there were some good (or great) moments. I was able to do Eagle properly for the first time. I got to take a class in a different city from a fantastic instructor. I overcame a panic attack. I even tried creative writing.

Mostly, though, there was a lot of struggling. One new instructor, then another. Got run over by the "yoga truck" more than once. Questioned my desire to continue. Beat myself up a lot, which I have always been very good at. Then, to top it off, the studio abruptly closed. Hopefully, it will reopen in mid-January. Still no word on whether or not we will keep our work-study positions. If not, my practice may be dormant for a very long time.... 

In November, after visiting the studio in Arlington for a one-off class, I wrote the following:

"...the longer class went on, the more I felt like I didn't belong. Not just that I didn't belong in that room, but that I had no business being there, doing yoga, at all. The yoga felt very foreign to me -- not just because I was extremely stiff and had no sort of strength or balance. I felt really weird just being there trying to do the postures -- worse even than during my very first class. I was completely uncomfortable and unnerved. As I lay on the floor, sitting out most of the floor series, I kept asking myself, "Why did I even come here? I'm just kidding myself... I'm really not cut out for this stuff. I could easily stop practicing and few if any would notice my departure. Why not just give this up? Face it, I could do this for the rest of my days and I doubt that I will ever really improve. I mean, really, two years of this and I still can't do Triangle? I still sit out postures? Why bother? I tried, and I failed. Move on."

As I type tonight, I feel pretty much the same way." 

Unfortunately, for the moment, that feeling still holds.

 

Now, as the calendar turns to 2012, I sit here with a nasty chest cold, and I am trying everything to avoid ending the year as it began -- with pneumonia. My diet is a wreck once more, and I'm still smoking. I have not progressed much, if at all.

Today, I got a catalog in the mail from a nutrition company. I started thinking once again about what I'm going to do in the new year to feel better, look better, etc. Another cleanse? Getting my diet back on track? FINALLY giving up the smokes? Getting back in the newly renovated hot room?

The resolutions haven't changed, because I haven't changed. 

Will I EVER change?

I see so many other people do so many things to improve themselves... and not only at the studio through yoga. Some have begun working toward a 5K, 10K, or marathon. Some have disciplined themselves in their diet, and have achieved results. Others have quit smoking, and stuck to it. 

Why is it that I cannot will not do these things? Why is it seemingly so easy for other people but next to impossible for me? I can see the writing on the wall... I will try to do better for a while, then I will get tired or discouraged and fall right back into the same old crap. 

Really, who wants to read about that?

I read so many blogs that are fun. Uplifting. Joyous. Yes, inspiring. 

This isn't one of them... at least right now.  

I am questioning how useful this blog has been. 

Peace.

H2O

It was a beautiful morning here in North Texas. Not a cloud in the sky, light breeze, temperature in the high 50's (13-15C).  I mention this because it will probably be the last really cool morning around here for a while. Like, until October. The weather is warming; summer is on the way, and proper hydration becomes even more important - Bikram or no Bikram.

Before I started practicing this yoga, I lived mainly on sodas, coffee, and energy drinks. Water was rarely consumed in its pure form. When I started my practice in April 2009, that lack of water became painfully evident in a very short time. I started by drinking two or three liters of water each day.

Not enough. So, I would drink four liters per day.

Still not enough. Some days, five liters wasn't enough. For the first week of my first Challenge, I was downing almost SIX liters of water each day. I drank so much water I thought I would drown. A few days later I actually had to leave class to use the facilities, something that never happened before. After that class, my instructor said, "Your body is now properly hydrated. You can back off a bit now and see just how much water you need."

Now I'm not going to bore anyone with how to figure out your proper water intake -- you can find that anywhere, or ask your physician or dietician. However, I am curious about a couple of things:

* How much water do you take into the room? For me, it is a one liter bottle. For some, I see half-liter bottles, or those big mugs that keep their ice water cold.

* Is it cool, cold, or frozen? During the cooler months, I have been able to simply wrap my bottle in my hand towel to keep it cool enough throughout class. Today, however, I have resumed the ritual of freezing my water bottle. About 90 minutes before class, I take it out, wrap it in my towel, and throw it in my bag. By Eagle pose, it has melted enough for me to drink some. Now, I understand that this is a controversial practice for some: that having that frozen bottle is a distraction or a crutch. However, when the thermometer is nearing triple digits outside, the chamber becomes even hotter and just being able to clutch that icy cold bottle allows me to stay in that cauldron.

* Special to those who have gone through (or are working their way through) teacher training: How much more fluid do you consume during training versus at home in your regular practice?

* Finally, it has been difficult for me to drink enough water during the winter months simply because I rarely feel thirsty when I'm cold (plus the coffee is SOOOOOO good on a cold day). This week, I have met my four liter goal on three out of five days. Small wonder that my last two classes have been much better than the past month! Does anyone else have this problem? How do you combat it?

********************************

As I mentioned, my last two classes have been pretty decent. My current favorite posture is Eagle -- I am able to hook my foot around my leg more and more and I am beginning to really feel things open up. My least favorite (aside from Triangle)? Awkward, 2nd part. I just cannot get up on my toes and stay there, and I'm not sure whether I'm supposed to stand on the balls of my feet, or all the way up on my toes. I must ask tonight. As for Triangle, I know I'm not taking a wide enough step to start, which makes it even more difficult. Slowly, but surely, I am trying. I think the biggest change over the last two classes is that I'm NOT THINKING. I was just listening and trying to match my body to the words -- I was amazed at how fast the Standing Series went by....

Finally, I am rethinking this 200 class "goal". I have found that I think about that number too much. When I miss a day, I get upset because the math gets tougher -- you know: 150 classes with 185 days to go. Just adds pressure that I don't need -- and does nothing but interfere with my practice AND my life outside the room. I will still go as much as I can, but I'm not going to go insane if I don't get to that number.

No judgements, no expectations.

Time to get set for class. Hope you have a great class!!

Peace.


50.

Just when you think it will never get better....

I went to class Sunday morning. I have not had too many good (for me) classes lately. I went simply because I needed to go and try to work my way out of this funk my practice has been in; to find the peace that I allowed to be stolen from me.

When I arrived at the studio, I was surprised (and VERY thankful) to see that Greg (co-owner of the studio with his wife) would be teaching. They are two of the coolest people you will ever meet, and any class they teach is a treat. Sunday was no exception. I have told Greg before that I wish I could get a CD of his class -- so much knowledge and so many things to think about! To wit:

Pranayama: For the 2nd set, try switching your hands so your opposite pinky finger is to the outside. Felt like I was doing the exercise for the first time. Now I try to do it for every posture where you interlock your hands.

Awkward: Do not simply "suck your stomach in", bring your stomach "IN and UP" to better support your spine.

Eagle: Don't simply lock your hands -- "ALWAYS go for prayer position first".

Standing Bow: Instead of "bring your chin to your shoulder", he asked us to, "bring your SHOULDER to your CHIN". With that twist in dialogue, I think I was able to better keep my spine straight.

Savasanas: too much movement. To paraphrase: "As an observer, there is too much movement right now. Learn to master NON-MOVEMENT, and it will become easier to perform the MOVEMENT."

Locust: Fingers spread out on your mat. Don't focus on simply lifting the legs... PUSH WITH YOUR ARMS and observe the feeling in your upper back..."

Head to Knee w/ Stretching: Same as standing version except you don't have to fight the gravity... you are preparing for Standing Head to Knee tomorrow. The more you work on this one, the better your standing version will be tomorrow!

Some of his other nuggets:

Yoga is movement with awareness of breath. You must check in with your breathing often. Mouth breathing activates "fight or flight".

On backbends: Lead with your eyes... try to look further and further back... look past your eyelids... where the eyes go, the body will follow. Also: "Let gravity be your guru... don't fight it."

Balancing series/ Tree & Toe Stand: "Think about how you stomp your foot into the ground. Stomp that standing foot. Stomp, Stomp, STOMP (It does help me with keeping my balance.)

Perspective: "So much of reality is perspective. Change your perspective, change your reality."

The heat: "I hate the heat. I always imagine myself on top of a big block of ice..."

Results? Although I did have to slow down near the end, I did stay in the room and I really felt better after class. THAT is why I do this yoga. Monday afternoon's class was really hot and I did leave the room but only for two postures. I went back in at Camel and finished class stronger than at any time in at least six weeks!

I think better things are around the corner...

48 down, 152 to go...

My best is yet to come!!

Peace.

A Matter of Perspective

I was able to make the 4:30 class yesterday. I had gone back and forth about going -- I was still fighting a cold and I knew it would be a tough one. I was ready to bag it but Sweetie encouraged me to go, so off I went. It was a pretty good sized group, and I knew I was in trouble early. By Eagle pose, I was lost. I couldn't get either foot to hook behind my legs, I couldn't keep my balance, I was tired and not very flexible. I was unable to get my arms back to my heels in Camel, and came out of it with my left shoulder hurting. Long story short, it was a class to forget, save for one thing.

At one point during the floor series, our instructor, Heather, spoke about having the right mindset. I don't recall her exact words, but the point was this: The perspective you take into the room will make a world of difference in your practice. When you are tired and complaining about coming to class, think instead of how much better you will feel after it's over. When you are pulling on your heels, or trying to hold a decent Triangle, and you feel that same old tightness in your hip or leg or back, do you think, "Oh man, this is never going to get loose.", or do you think, "This is good. This isn't tightness, it's a new area of my body opening up."? Do you silently chastise yourself for the postures you are unable to hold, or do you enjoy the quiet little victories that appear in every class?

I must admit that while those words struck a chord, I was unable to put it into practice in the middle of class. Tonight, I will go into the chamber with the intention of keeping a positive frame of mind from first minute to last. This is not an easy thing for me... by the time we get to Balancing Stick I usually have decided how the class will go, good or bad. Perhaps by concentrating on my intention, I can put the heat, the humidity, and my weakness aside and just DO THE POSTURE, PLEASE!!!

40 classes down, 160 to go.

Namaste.

Pleasantly Surprising

Well, any idea of getting back into the room last night didn't quite work out. A friend called last minute and asked a favor, so we were unable to go to class. (Bummer!!) However, I was able to go to the 6:00AM class this morning. It was illuminating!

First, the initial breathing exercise did not hurt as much as I thought it might. That said, by the time the first set was completed, I had to cough a lot. It got better in second set -- a lot better. After that, there were fewer and fewer pauses to clear my lungs AND my inhaler stayed in my locker!!

The biggest shock, though, was in the third posture, Eagle. I was actually able to get each foot completely behind my leg on each set. I had trouble holding the form, but just the fact that I had never done that posture so well on both sides shocked me! From then on, I just rolled with the flow. It was a good class: flowing and calm, with lots of little bits of advice and encouragement. The instructors have so many nuggets of knowledge, it would take forever to recount them all. The one that stuck with me today?

"Repetition is the mother of mastery."   

After class, I was told that my success in Eagle today was a foreshadowing of things to come; that in the next few weeks, as I get back to regular practice, that will happen more and more often. Gotta keep working though!!

1 class down, 199 to go.