The Turning Point

It was June 18. Class #80. The studio owner was teaching. It was a Thursday. Lots of people in the room. Going in, I felt a little tired but no worse than normal. I figured that once we got four or five postures in, I would find the groove and all would be well. 

I was so wrong. 

I crashed. I crashed hard. Before Triangle, I was laid out. Toast. Kaput. I made feeble attempts at Tree and Cobra poses, otherwise I was on my back the entire time. I stared at the ceiling for what seemed like an eternity, just wishing that either the class would end or the floor would open up and swallow me. Tears burned the edges of my eyes. Not only was I failing, but failing in front of the boss. I was embarrassed. I was angry. I was a wreck. 

After class, as I made my way towards the door, she stopped me and put an arm around me. Asked if I was ok; if there was anything she could do. I said no, I would be ok. She then leaned in and whispered,

"You know, you don't have to do 100, right?"

She was giving me an out. 

I looked at her and said, 

"I know I don't have to, but I'm going to."

It was my idea to continue on from 60 to 100 classes. I wanted to see what could happen not only on the outside (asanas), but to see if I could focus in on the inside: my mind, my heart, the very core of myself. As I wrote on June 8:

'You see, every so often over the last two weeks, I've gotten a glimpse of something in my mind. A glimpse of change. How miniscule or profound that change is, I know not. So, the challenge continues. My stated goal is now 100 classes in 100 days. I think I owe it to myself to find out if these glimpses portend something real and attainable, or if they are mere mirages.'

I think that I got so caught up in the numbers game that I forgot the point of this: to gain physical and mental strength. It was no longer a journey. It was just a race to an arbitrary number. My body was trying to tell me by falling out, by screaming in pain, by shutting down. 

From that day, I worked bit by bit to get back on the path. I did nothing new. I simply did what the hell I was supposed to do: hydrate, move with purpose, and breathe. I listened to the dialogue more intently. Yes, I still faltered. Yes, I still sat out poses. It was ok. I listened to my body, and it rewarded me by moving deeper into poses, by breathing more deeply, by staying in the moment more. It took 80 classes to do it, but I felt as though I had broken through and found a new level, a new love for my practice. I changed. 

Next: Class 100. 

Namaste. 

You Can Do This!!

Well here we are. Ninety one classes complete. Just nine remaining in this part of my yoga journey. There is so much I want to say but I'm going to wait until class #100 is complete. I've been writing down notes and quotes and observations and I'm going to sit down and put it all together. It may take two posts to get it all out. 

Today, however, I want to challenge YOU. 

I am asking you to consider a challenge of your own. 

It need not be the 100 day variety as I have undertaken. It need not be 60 days, or even 30 days. 

Try three straight days. Try five. Try one full week of yoga. 

Try a double. Take a morning/evening double or an old-fashioned back-to-back double. I strongly recommend you speak to your instructor before doing so. If there is a different instructor for your second class, inform them straightaway that you are doing a double. 

If you are not ready for those, how about an in-class challenge? Example: if you always sit out the second set of a pose, commit to doing both sets. For those poses you revile or have trouble with, challenge yourself to truly listen to the dialogue. Move slower into and out of the poses. Try to focus in and feel the body move. I have been working very hard in this area, and the results are tangible. And astonishing. 

If a yoga challenge is not in the cards right now, try something else. Perhaps commit to one less fast food meal this week. Try a new healthier version of your favorite recipe. Commit to doing just a little more to strengthening or healing yourself. For July, my challenge is to do push-ups and planks each day. Maybe taking 15 minutes each night to journal or meditate would be good for you. I try to do these but I must improve on time management to fit these in. I'm going to keep trying. 

If you don't meet your challenge, it's OK!! If you gave an honest effort then hug yourself for trying. Figure out what happened and take whatever steps you can to improve. When you can do so, try again. Keep trying. Fight for yourself!! YOU ARE VERY MUCH WORTH IT!!!

Gotta get going. Class 92 tonight. Thank you to all who have supported me. You all rock!!!

Namaste. 

"Not ready to stop."

When last I wrote, I needed to take nine classes in seven days to meet the challenge of 60 classes in 60 days.

Challenge completed!

Not without some struggle, however.

The first three classes were relatively easy. The room didn't seem to be as hot, and I did well. The mid-week classes were a nightmare. I had the same feelings I did before starting this challenge -- overwhelmed, frustrated, wondering why I was even there. I related this to a friend who snapped me back to rights:

"Enjoy your class. Focus on your breath during yoga. Only on your breath... Allow your yoga practice to be

a moving flowing "meditative" dance focusing on the breath."

Of course. The breath. Simple as that. Once again, I had gotten so caught up in how poorly I was doing and had forgotten the most basic step: breathing.

 

After that, the final classes of the week were much easier. I didn't make huge leaps in my form or depth, but it was ok -- I was breathing and just letting my body do what it could.

 

Saturday, May 30 was Day 60. I took the day off so I wouldn't have to stress about getting to class after work. It was a good class for me -- I took it a bit easy but I did quite well (my balance was really good that day). Our visiting instructor, J, informed the assembled of my challenge and everyone applauded. She asked, "How do you feel?"

 

I was still trying to collect myself and as I tried to catch my breath, everyone giggled a bit.

 

"I feel better than I did 60 days ago.", I said. 

 

The next day, there I was, back at the studio. J was teaching again.

 

"61?", she asked.

 

"Not ready to stop.", I replied.

 

I haven't stopped yet. 

 

You see, for the first thirty days, the idea was: do I have the physical capabilities to go day after day?

The next thirty days, the idea was: am I mentally strong enough to go every day?

 

The answer is yes to both questions. Yet, I still feel there is more to come. You see, every so often over the last two weeks, I've gotten a glimpse of something in my mind. A glimpse of change. How miniscule or profound that change is, I know not. So, the challenge continues. My stated goal is now 100 classes in 100 days. I think I owe it to myself to find out if these glimpses portend something real and attainable, or if they are mere mirages. That said, I draw the line at 100 days. There can be such a thing as too much yoga.

 

It might mean nothing.

 

It might mean everything.

Stay tuned.

Namaste.

  

April Challenge: Days 6-10

Note: On April 1st, I began a 30 day Bikram Challenge. Here is the latest update. 

Days 6 & 7

For the first time in quite a while I am feeling good about my practice. That's part of what this challenge is about for me: falling back in love with the yoga. More importantly, it's about self care: stopping the self-loathing that I have been subjecting myself to. My food choices are improving as well. While the donut shop is still a player, I have not made those covert trips for fast food. More veggies, fewer processed foods, LOADS more water. Result? There is less stomach to suck in and forward bends are getting (slightly) easier. The one cup of coffee per day rule has been a bit tough -- I have cheated twice this week. 

Monday's class was ok. Just a quiet, solid effort. The most memorable item was a quote from our instructor:

"Always do backbends. Consider: you bend over backwards for a lot of other people. Do your backbends for yourself. Your spine equals your life."

Tuesday's class was the first one where I really started to sense improvement. For as long as I've practiced, getting my hands behind my heels in Hands-to-Feet pose has been impossible. I could get my hands underneath from the sides of my feet but never ever from behind. Now, if you've taken a Bikram class, you've heard the mantra, "Try the right way and you will get the full benefit". So, now, I tuck my elbows behind my legs and slide my hands down towards my heels. I'm not there yet but I finally get a sense of what the posture is truly supposed to feel like. 

                             Hands-to-Feet Pose -- The Goal

Day 8

With a couple of days coming up where yoga will be impossible, it was time for another double. With Wednesday being one of my work-study nights, I didn't want to take back to back classes. So, there I was at 5:30AM to take class from the studio owner. With only nine of us there, the class became a posture clinic. She went from person to person giving detailed instruction to each. For me, that moment came in Cobra, where she moved my heels together, then moved my elbows to touch my sides. Totally changed the pose for me. Cobra has always been a favorite of mine, and now 

it's even better.  That said, it was a difficult class. Morning classes mean no flexibility (couldn't reach my toes when doing sit-ups). I sat out Triangle. During the floor series, there were a couple of times when I started to feel anxious and shed a tear. It was ok. Yoga is not just for the body, it heals the mind as well. The night class was a vintage Bikram class. Very warm. Humid. Pretty full, too -- over 30 people all working together. Great energy in the room! It was the kind of class where you are soaking wet ten minutes in. It was a strong class for me. I attempted every posture and only fell out a few times. 

Day 9 

Worked hard to incorporate the lessons learned from the previous day. Found that forward bends are beginning to get easier because my gut is starting to shrink!! Long way to go, though. The big news, however, came on the floor. Since resuming my practice, Locust pose has always been tough. Raising one leg at a time is hard, and raising both legs up has just not been in the cards. I'm not sure how, but there I was on Thursday, doing all three segments of the pose. My back hurt like hell but I got it done! 

                          Locust Pose -- Third Part -- The Goal

Day 10

Friday found me tired and sore. I told myself that, with Saturday being a no-yoga day, I needed to work as hard as possible. To help with this I set my mat up on the front row (it's been a while since that happened -- I ended up being the only one on my side of the room to go up front). It also helped to have a senior instructor who gives no quarter (Try the right way..."). Felt like a rusty gate for the first 20 minutes, then I found my stride a bit. Standing Head-to-Knee was better: almost stayed on one leg for the duration. Standing Bow (another favorite) was really good: damn near got through all four without falling. My Triangle Pose was the best. Ever. Got deeper and held all four without falling. For the second straight class I did Locust with no issues. I felt so much better after class than I did when I walked in!!

As I said, today is a no-yoga day. Off to work, then one of the best events of the year: the Main St. Arts Festival. Have a great weekend!!

Namaste. 

Photos via BY Comox Valley and BY Bethesda

Double Feature, Double Trouble

I was browsing through the Documentary section of Netflix a while back and my attention was drawn to the title Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. Released in 2010, the description read, "Two men whose bodies have been trashed by steroids, obesity, and illness, document their rigorous healing path in a bid to regain their health". I thought that it might be interesting to watch, saved it to my list, and went to bed. Last night, I watched the film. When it was over, I watched it again. Then I watched it again this morning.

Oh. My. 

Joe Cross is an Aussie who skipped college, made his fortune in business, and enjoyed the fruits of his labor -- so much so that at, in his early 40s, he was morbidly obese and suffered from a rare condition in which his body's histamine reaction had gone haywire. He went to a number of physicians, specialists, "... even a witch doctor...", as he says, looking for relief. He found none. 

So what does he do? He goes to New York City for 30 days, armed with a juicer and a goal. Under a doctor's supervision, Joe goes on a 30-day juice fast. Three large glasses of green juice each day. That's it. No solid food at all. His reasoning: juicing allows one to get a higher amount of nutrients than by attempting to eat the large amounts of fruit and veg that it takes to make the juice. In essence, your body is supercharged with vitamins and minerals, and is spared the trouble of having the body work to break down the food. 

The results were amazing. In thirty days Joe dropped 47 pounds! In addition, his dosage of Prednisone, prescribed for his condition, was cut from 15mg to 7.5 mg. Over the next thirty days, Joe continues his juice fast, or "reboot" as he calls it, while making his way across the country. In Iowa, he convinces a woman who suffered from constant migraines to try the fast for 10 days, with great success. As he travels, though, most of the people he meets aren't really interested in his ideas. Some say they don't have the willpower. Some (who have already had health problems) say that they aren't concerned about their diet ("I'll eat what I want..."). Only a few think that this plan might work for them. In Arizona, Joe meets Phil, a long haul trucker with the same rare condition. Joe convinces him to try the juice and pledges to help him in anyway he can. Phil doesn't take him up on it and they part. 

Six months later, Phil contacts Joe and asks for help. Joe flies back to the US and sets Phil up on the plan. We follow Phil on his journey and literally watch a man bring himself back to life! It is an amazing film -- one I highly recommend that you watch. 

After watching that, I looked in the "also recommended" section and came across  Hungry For Change. Since it listed Joe in the credits, I hit play. This film details how major food producers use science and marketing to convince us to buy their products. It discusses how our modern lifestyle, in many instances, is leading us to early graves. It also details the weight loss journeys of several people who were once obese but reversed their conditions by eschewing processed foods for a more natural diet. It is another fantastic documentary and I think everyone needs to see both of these films.

Why am I writing about them?

Well, for one, I work for one of the largest supermarket chains in the nation. As such, part of my job (even in my department, Dairy) entails stocking and merchandising processed foods. Flavored milks, cream cheeses, refrigerated dough, yogurt, the lot. While I'm no longer a huge user of these products (since my girlfriend has Celiac Disease, most processed foods are off the board), I rely on selling those items to pay my bills. It does affect me when I see someone pushing a cart full of frozen pizzas, canned soups, chips, cookies, and gallons of sugar laden drinks. The feeling is even worse when there are kids in or around the cart. Do they have much of a chance to learn healthy habits?

The other reason I have chosen to write about this does actually pertain to my yoga practice.

I love being able to practice yoga. It has meant a lot for me. True, I lost 45 lbs by doing back to back 60 day challenges in my first year of practicing. True, after a lot of struggle, I believe I have smoked my last cigarette. True, through this blog I have re-discovered my joy for writing (no matter what the quality).

The films, however, brought out something that I must finally learn to face and conquer: my own diet.

Just today, I've had processed breakfast cereal (two bowls), four cups of coffee with processed non-dairy creamer, two 12oz processed sodas, a bacon-cheeseburger and fries (I was traveling and stopped at a roadside joint), two gas station taquitos, a handful of graham crackers, and one forlorn liter of water.

Not good, eh?

At work, it gets worse. In the break room there is almost an endless procession of pre-made, heavily processed sandwiches, cakes, cupcakes, and donuts. When there is some type of gathering, it's pizza or nachos or ice-cream sundaes. Even before I get to work, there is the daily ritual of a 20oz. coffee. And a burrito. Or two. With hash browns.

So, while I'm a guy who does yoga, I'm also a guy who has no willpower and is back on the road to obesity just as my mom was along with her father and brother. When I first started, I was so much more disciplined than I am now. I don't know what happened. and it is really fucking hard right now to right the ship. I must find a way because I do not need diabetes, broken hips, or cancer to deal with. Watching those films struck a chord  -- now I must find a way to build on that. I don't want to do yoga just to say "I do yoga". I want it to be a cornerstone of a healthier, happier life.


Peace.

Go to Yoga!!

Although I have yet to convince any of my friends to join me in the hot room, I am asked from time to time, "When is the best time to go to yoga?".

Good question. 

So, I thought about it for awhile, and I think I have the answer:

When your heart is light, go to yoga. 

When your back is tight, go to yoga. 

After a fight, go to yoga. 

After a long flight, go to yoga. 

When you wake, go to yoga. 

Before you sleep, go to yoga. 

Depressed, stressed, or maybe blessed? Go to yoga. 

Relationship in tatters? Go to yoga. 

When it seems that nothing truly matters, go to yoga. 

Searching for answers, or the right questions to ask? Go to yoga. 

Want to meet new friends and have a blast? Go to yoga. 

When you want to learn more about the universe and your place in it? Go to yoga. 

Want to learn more about yourself? Go to yoga.

Want to smile more, laugh more, maybe even dance? Go to yoga. 

Want to be thrilled when you buy smaller pants? Go to yoga. 

There really isn't a reason NOT to go to yoga. It doesn't matter which type you try: Bikram, Sumits, Baptiste, or any other type. 

Just go. 

NOW!!!

Namaste. 

No Excuses

This morning I woke to a lovely spring morning. I considered staying in bed, but only for a moment. Sunday mornings are one of the few times I can go to class without too much trouble, so I grabbed my bag and headed out.

I am so glad I did.

I like to get there as early as I can so I can spend more time in the heat to get loose -- especially in the mornings when I am not so flexible. As I walked into the room, I noticed a woman setting up her mat in the front row near where I normally practice. To me it looked like she was simply taking her gear out of a large bag hanging from her right shoulder. I gave no more notice, set up my mat, and lay down to await the beginning of class.

As class began, I noted the woman walking back into the room to take her place. I then realized that she had not had her gear in a bag. That "bag" was actually a rather large, padded sling holding her right arm, which appeared to be in a cast. I was more than a bit shocked. Her right arm was almost completely immobile, but that was not going to stop her. She was there and she was going to do her yoga!

How fantastic is that??!!

Obviously, I didn't want to violate her privacy by staring at her -- I have enough on my hands with my own practice. That said, I did notice her from time to time. She did Pranayama like everyone else -- just with one arm. Half-moon was the same. It really was inspiring that she was doing everything she could. Yes, all of the postures were modified, but who cares? Her hard work got me thinking that my aching knee was really not that big a deal to work through. That thought pushed me to not only hold Standing Bow longer than ever, but also to hang on during both sets of Balancing Stick and Triangle. Yes, I fell out of both, but I got back in and got through them. I did every set of each posture on the floor and it felt great!

I do not know this woman's name, and I did not see her as I left the studio. She does not know me or know what a positive effect she had on me and my practice this morning. 

So next time I think that I'm too tired or too sore or sleep deprived or anything else, I will have a reminder that, really, I don't have a reason NOT to do my yoga. 

NO EXCUSES!!

One other great thing from this morning: I finally did a solid Locust pose! Especially the last part when you lift both legs up -- it felt like old times in the room -- and it was wonderful! 

Have a great week!

Peace. 

Eye of the Beholder

After a 10 day stretch where I was unable  to make it to the studio, I was able to take class this morning. I really didn't want to go... I was so tired last night that I woke up on the couch at 3:30 AM. Then, I could not go back to sleep. Finally at 7:10 I decided to make the 8:00 class. As I drove to the studio, I thought to myself, "This one is really gonna hurt...".

It didn't disappoint. 

Right from the off, it was hard. I couldn't reach my heels or lock my knees in the first set of Hands-to-Feet. I heard and felt several pops in Awkward. I had no sort of balance in Bow or Balancing Stick -- in fact I simply stood during second set of stick as a wave of jealousy and self loathing came over me as I could see the people in front if me do those postures AND do them well. Since it was the first class of the day, the carpet was completely dry, which meant I had no traction and kept sliding out of Triangle as well as the postures before and after. I sat out most of those, staring down at my mat and chewing myself out in my head. Because my right knee is still an issue, even Tree was difficult, and Toestand was out of the question. 

It wasn't all bad. I was able to press back up out of part three of Awkward for the first time since I hurt my knee. Cobra and Full Locust were really strong, and I had the best Floor Bow since resuming practice. All in all, though, I thought the entire class was just not that good. At least, not as good as I've had before. 

So, imagine my shock after class, when the instructor said, "Good work, Mark!! Your postures are really starting to open up. You did so well!". 

I was in a bit of shock. "It felt horrible in there. I have not been here in ten days and I felt like I was in quicksand in there."

She said,"Well, you know it's difficult when you have had a layoff or when you have an issue. But you did really well in there. Have a great day!". 

My mood changed instantly. I let myself decide that it would be rough, so when I started to encounter resistance in my postures, I let it affect my perception of the class as a whole. Another reminder that our minds can fool us into a negative thought pattern when, if we really examine the issue, it's sometimes better than we think it is. 

It really depends on the eye of the beholder. 

Ready for another go tomorrow.

Namaste.

When one class simply isn't enough...

Vacation is coming to an end. In a few hours, it's back to the mind numbing, day to day grind. My goal for these eight days was to attend nine classes. Naturally this meant that somewhere I'd have to do a double.

I've taken two classes in a day before but never the true, back to back double. So, after yesterday's class (which was quite strong), I made sure to drink at least 5 liters of water (with a little coffee thrown in at breakfast) and stretch throughout the day. Cleaning house and doing more loads of laundry than I can count kept me moving and my body loose. A good night's sleep and there I was at 7:35 this morning to take the 8 and 10AM classes.

The only word that comes to mind is AMAZING.

Knowing that there was three full hours of yoga ahead of me, I knew I had to keep some energy in reserve. So, for the first class, I took it slowly. In each posture, I didn't go to my edge where I might fall out, but just short. I figure I was going 80-90% into the posture -- where I could feel the stretches and compressions while keeping my breathing under control.

You know in the dialogue where they say, "The slower you go, the better you do..."?

They (yet again) are correct!

My floor series in the first class was so much better than normal!! I did all the postures -- even gave it full effort in both sets of Rabbit, which isn't normal at all. Overall, the first class was quite the success. After a pint of coconut water and a costume change, I was ready for class number two. As an added challenge, I moved from my comfortable spot on the right side of the room all the way across to the far left side (got to beware of attachments, you know).

Quite simply, my second class was phenomenal.

The warm-up was actually quite difficult. Half-moon was harder the second time, as was Awkward. After that, things went more easily. In Eagle, I got each foot behind the leg and held it for almost the entire time! Then, after Party Time, the miracle happened. I was able to actually lock the knee and kick out the leg in Standing Head-to-Knee. In both sets!!! Couldn't kick out straight, and couldn't stay there long, but I finally got there!! I was amazed and pretty damn proud of that! The rest of the Standing series was a blur. Took a knee twice but I was just so happy about such a huge improvement in SH2K. Even took a crack at Toestand, which I used to love but a balky right knee has made very difficult.

The floor series was harder but I actually went further in most of the postures than I have in a long time! My spine-strengthening set was so much better! After that I started to falter, but fortunately I was surrounded by three ladies and a gentleman who, by simply continuing to do posture after posture, kept me focused and energized. Each time I thought about taking a set off, they would all rise as one. I just wasn't going to try a double and lay out the final 25 minutes. With their silent assistance, I did every posture and made it through. My post-class mineral water has rarely tasted so good.

Overall, since the first class was a warmup, I was so much more flexible for the second. Therefore, instead of using my strength to find flexibility, I was (for once) using my flexibility to gain strength. In addition, my mind was more clear in the second class. There was less mental resistance, less "monkey mind", and more surrendering to the moment. It really was just a matter of listening intently and moving and breathing. Finally, the second class seemed to fly by. It was hard to believe I has just finished two back to back classes, let alone survived them so well!!

It can't be done all the time, but if you can invest a full morning or afternoon I hope you try to do a double. Your body, your mind, and your practice will thank you.


Namaste.

One step. then another...

Greetings! For those who observe Easter, I wish you a warm and happy one!

I am much recovered from the bronchitis described in the previous post. I have now gone 31 days without a cigarette. There have only been a few occasions where I wanted to smoke, but I brushed those feelings aside pretty quickly. Also, one of my co-workers is now attempting to quit. She has eschewed regular cigarettes for one of the electronic kinds that produce water vapor instead of smoke. She remarked that she feels better and that her clothes don't smell anymore. Excellent!

The new issue for me is food. I have been substituting food for nicotine and it feels like I am eating ALL THE TIME. I made a point to write down everything I ate for two days. I felt ill when I looked at it -- fast food, junk food, huge restaurant portions (plus all the free chips and salsa I could eat -- it was my favorite Mexican restaurant). Most of time I'm drinking coffee and precious little water. Listing my intake hasn't stopped me much, though -- so far today I have eaten two slices of  toast with butter, one slice of bread with butter (while waiting for the toast), two everything bagels (one with cream cheese), cookies and three four cups of coffee. No water, no juice, and not a crumb of anything healthy.

 Here is the goofy part: I went to the clinic today for a routine blood pressure and weight check. The last time I went was two days before going into the hospital. That day my BP was somewhat alarming: 154 / 94; and I weighed 253 lbs. (114.8 kg). Today, my BP was much better at 128 / 80, but the goofy part was that I had actually LOST four pounds -- I weigh 249 lbs. (112.9 kg). After all the crap I have consumed, how on Earth could I actually be lighter, if only slightly?

In any case, action must be taken. I have put together a three step plan to get myself to a more healthy place.

Step 1:  I have given myself three weeks to slow down and work on eating better. Why three weeks? Basically because Sweetie and I are going on vacation soon, and it's no fun trying to be "good" on your holiday. That said, I will attempt to at least drink 2 liters of water each day and eat decent meals without all the snacking that takes the place of smoking breaks.

Step 2: The first day back from vacation, I will begin a 14-day cleansing program. We did a seven-day cleanse last year with great results. The 14-day program is a bit more intricate but the dietary rules are the same: no red meat, no caffeine (that will hurt), no bread or pasta, no dairy or eggs (my cheese habit will suffer), no corn (?) or any processed fruits or vegetables, NOTHING artificial. As I said, I have done this before for seven days... I hope I don't go insane in the second half of this. I could stand only so much rice bran bread and puffed rice cereal with soymilk, and have you seen the price of organic/all natural nut butters or quinoa? Perhaps green juice is the answer? I have found some promising recipes online. In any event, I have already purchased the cleanse kit, so no turning back.

Step 3: This is the big one. Sweetie and I have talked at length about finding new careers. We are both less than happy with our current jobs, and I asked if she thought I would make a good yoga instructor. She said I would be fantastic. Then she asked a couple of our friends (one who practices and one who doesn't) and they both said that was a good thing to try. So, if I truly want to chase this dream I obviously must resume a regular practice. So, on May 1, I will be at a studio and taking class. Problem: I'm not sure which to choose. I love practicing Bikram but the cost of training is scary. It costs less to train for Sumits and while I very much enjoy his form of yoga, I seem to feel strongly that Bikram is where I need to be. Of course, attending Indigo and learn the Baptiste form would be interesting as well.

In any event, I have put together this timetable and I hope we can make this work. I may be broke before it's over but I'm going to get this done. Time is ticking and I'm tired of the person I am. I can be so much more, so much better.

I'll keep you posted. Questions, comments, or good wishes? Send them my way... I'm going to need a lot of good energy.

Namaste.

PS: Lunch will be two apples, 5 oz. Greek yogurt, and 1 liter of H2O.

 

And then it all went horribly wrong...

Hello again! I've not been able to make any yoga classes since last time. Instead, I learned for the first time just how my body has been affected by the way I have treated it.

It started innocently enough. Almost two weeks ago, I woke up about 2 AM with a sneezing fit and draining sinuses. It subsided shortly thereafter and I went back to sleep. A few hours later, at work, I started to feel a tickle in my throat along with a dry cough. My boss had suffered from something similar and said I might need to get it checked. I went to the clinic (not having a primary physician) and they diagnosed Bronchitis, gave me meds (antibiotic and steroids), and sent me home. The next day I felt OK until dinnertime, when my breathing became more labored, with a distinct wheeze. Back to the clinic, where they said I had strep throat, gave me a stronger antibiotic, a steroid shot, and a breathing treatment, and sent me home.

Then came the third day.

I had the day off, and I pretty much stayed in bed all day. I wasn't feeling horrible, but I wasn't feeling better. I went to pick up Sweetie from work, but I stayed in the car while waiting for her because I felt weak. When we got home, I sat down on the couch and tried to catch my breath. No good. Hit my rescue inhaler. Nada. Hit the inhaler again. This isn't working. I start to panic. I get Sweetie and she sees my discomfort. She is asking me what to do but I have difficulty answering. I dropped to my knees, trying to rally and just get one  deep breath. My panic worsens and I feel myself sweating uncontrollably. I manage to tell her, "You better call an ambulance." She does and I am still on my knees trying to calm myself down.

It seemed like forever for the medics to arrive. When they did, they checked my oxygen saturation level. It was 85 (should be 97 or better). They gave me a treatment but it didn't help. Things got worse when they helped me onto the stretcher. I felt like I was suffocating and went into a full-blown panic. I even got out of the stretcher for a second so I could try and catch my breath. I laid back down and then everything went dark for a bit. The next thing I knew, I was still in the ambulance and I had a full mask on and oxygen was being forced into my lungs. I don't remember the IV stick being put in my left hand, but I do remember someone asking me to open my mouth and keep something under my tongue without swallowing ( I later found out it was not one but two tablets of nitro-glycerin ). Next thing I knew, I was in ER and hooked up to another machine that helped me breathe. There was another IV rig in my other hand. I remember talking to the ER doctor, x-rays being taken, and lots of blood drawn. As I became more aware of my surroundings, Sweetie arrived and sat beside me ( stayed beside me every step of the way ). In the next treatment area, I could hear people working on a man who had apparently suffered a stroke.

I hadn't been a patient in a hospital since I was born -- in the very hospital I was in now. To say I was scared would be an understatement, to say the least. I was terrified. After a couple of hours I was calmer and the breathing machine was discontinued, but I remained on oxygen. The tests slowly came back. The doctor came back with good news: the blood tests were all coming back good. The X-ray showed no pneumonia but quite a lot of chest congestion -- I was diagnosed as having acute bronchitis brought on by COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disorder -- a direct function of my smoking habit). I was told that I would be admitted for a day or two with lots of breathing treatments, antibiotics, and more steroids.

I thought, "OK, not so bad. Could have been worse."

Then the doctor said, "There is more." I went cold.

"We did find damage in the bottom lobes of your lungs from your smoking. This makes your heart have to work harder to oxygenate your cells, and there is some weakness in the right side of your heart." I went colder and looked over to Sweetie, who was shaken as well.

"Now the good news is this: IF you stop smoking NOW, within two years you can still undo most of this damage. Your lungs will be almost as good as any non-smoker. But, you must stop now."

Understand, I have always known the risks. However, I always felt like such things wouldn't really happen to me. I would know when I needed to quit. I mean, I've never had to go to the hospital for anything. I could always just stop and things would take care of themselves.

Now, I understand. As I lay in bed that first night, unable to sleep, it finally sank in: I'm 45 years old. I'm not bulletproof. I simply cannot continue to hurt my body like this. I have no choice but to choose a healthier way of life. If not, I won't be here. At all. I've got things I want to do, to accomplish, to be a part of. Hard to do if I am an invalid. Or dead.

It was the longest 40 hours of my life. Sweetie was an absolute gem throughout. My boss was kind enough to grant me vacation time so we didn't have to worry about losing income. Of course, we will have to see just how much this little escapade has cost, once the hospital and insurance company have settled. Cost doesn't matter -- this episode has already changed two lives. Not only mine (obviously), but Sweetie's son -- he witnessed that crazy night and has said he would quit smoking as well. I took my ID bracelet from the hospital and put it in my wallet in front of my license so it is always in sight. That way, if I feel like buying a pack of smokes, that reminder will be right there for me. I don't think that will be a problem though. All I have to do is look at my phone and this picture:

I have no desire to return to that bed. Ever.



Peace.

Full Circle, Resolutions, and other Bullsh@t

From my first post, 01 JAN 2011:

 Hello, world! My name is Mark and I have decided to try my hand at blogging. The subject, for the most part, will be my experience of practicing Bikram yoga. For those who do not not know, it is commonly referred to as "Hot Yoga", since the 90 minute class is held in a 105-degree room. I have been practicing since April 2009, and have found wonderful benefit from it, which I will relate as I go forward. Hopefully I will have the willpower and desire to keep up with this -- I've never done this on a regular basis. I hope to be interesting enough to have you, my reader, to return, or to perhaps try Bikram. Unfortunately, as I write on New Year's Day, I am fighting my first ever case of pneumonia, which is going to set me back a bit. I'll write when I can and I hope you enjoy it! 

Indeed, it has been almost one full year since I started this little blogging experiment. For once, I actually had set a couple of goals for myself. I wanted to improve my practice. I wanted to learn more about the yoga itself. My stated goal was to attend 200 classes this year. I wanted to eat better, live better, and be healthier.

Well, so much for that.....

To be fair, there were some good (or great) moments. I was able to do Eagle properly for the first time. I got to take a class in a different city from a fantastic instructor. I overcame a panic attack. I even tried creative writing.

Mostly, though, there was a lot of struggling. One new instructor, then another. Got run over by the "yoga truck" more than once. Questioned my desire to continue. Beat myself up a lot, which I have always been very good at. Then, to top it off, the studio abruptly closed. Hopefully, it will reopen in mid-January. Still no word on whether or not we will keep our work-study positions. If not, my practice may be dormant for a very long time.... 

In November, after visiting the studio in Arlington for a one-off class, I wrote the following:

"...the longer class went on, the more I felt like I didn't belong. Not just that I didn't belong in that room, but that I had no business being there, doing yoga, at all. The yoga felt very foreign to me -- not just because I was extremely stiff and had no sort of strength or balance. I felt really weird just being there trying to do the postures -- worse even than during my very first class. I was completely uncomfortable and unnerved. As I lay on the floor, sitting out most of the floor series, I kept asking myself, "Why did I even come here? I'm just kidding myself... I'm really not cut out for this stuff. I could easily stop practicing and few if any would notice my departure. Why not just give this up? Face it, I could do this for the rest of my days and I doubt that I will ever really improve. I mean, really, two years of this and I still can't do Triangle? I still sit out postures? Why bother? I tried, and I failed. Move on."

As I type tonight, I feel pretty much the same way." 

Unfortunately, for the moment, that feeling still holds.

 

Now, as the calendar turns to 2012, I sit here with a nasty chest cold, and I am trying everything to avoid ending the year as it began -- with pneumonia. My diet is a wreck once more, and I'm still smoking. I have not progressed much, if at all.

Today, I got a catalog in the mail from a nutrition company. I started thinking once again about what I'm going to do in the new year to feel better, look better, etc. Another cleanse? Getting my diet back on track? FINALLY giving up the smokes? Getting back in the newly renovated hot room?

The resolutions haven't changed, because I haven't changed. 

Will I EVER change?

I see so many other people do so many things to improve themselves... and not only at the studio through yoga. Some have begun working toward a 5K, 10K, or marathon. Some have disciplined themselves in their diet, and have achieved results. Others have quit smoking, and stuck to it. 

Why is it that I cannot will not do these things? Why is it seemingly so easy for other people but next to impossible for me? I can see the writing on the wall... I will try to do better for a while, then I will get tired or discouraged and fall right back into the same old crap. 

Really, who wants to read about that?

I read so many blogs that are fun. Uplifting. Joyous. Yes, inspiring. 

This isn't one of them... at least right now.  

I am questioning how useful this blog has been. 

Peace.

Thud. (Epilogue)

I made it in to the room last night for the first time since Thursday.

It did not go well. At all.

Trouble started right away. Kept gasping and taking extra breaths in Pranayama. My breathing was never in synch. Hands-to-Feet was OK, but Awkward was horrid. Eagle was the high point of my class, somehow I was able to hook both feet -- not completely, but they did hook, and I released my interlocked fingers and tried to achieve prayer position. I was a lot closer to it than I ever thought....

After that, however, my class went downhill at about the same rate as an avalanche. No balance in Standing H2K, or Standing Bow, or Balancing Stick (Stick was the worst of all -- only got to 3 before falling out -- ankles kept rolling. SSL Stretching and Triangle are the Evil Twins of my practice. I can't even grab my heels in Stretching -- every time I try there is pain from my hips down the sides of my legs as if they are going to instantly cramp, so I stand back up and walk in place to get the muscles to let go. In Triangle, I will never get my legs to look like an upside down 'L' -- I'm quite sure of that. My hamstrings scream and I either stand back up or fall to my mat. In SSLH2K, my gut gets in the way and I start to gasp for air, so I fall out. Tree was OK; I did not attempt Toe Stand. By this time I was getting spasms in my back and I knew I was toast. Tried Wind-Removing but barely got through. Situps were not practical, and I simply laid on my stomach during the spine series, with my back muscles refusing to let go. When the class transitioned into Fixed Firm, I exited the chamber, found a bench in the back room, and tried to get my back to let go. Didn't happen.

I guess I should have stayed home, but it was my work study night and I needed to be there. This morning was no better. The weather change (cooler and rain) caused so much congestion that I had to race to get an inhaler because I flat out could not breathe. (Weather change, my a$$, it's those damn cigarettes!!)  Like, "climb the stairs and gasp for air" could not breathe. As I wrote yesterday, I am a wreck, and I'm at a loss. I am usually the positive, "things will get better", guy. Unless I'm talking about me, in which case I'm the  "What's the point?" guy.

So, looks like I'm back at the beginning. Eat better. Hydrate. For the love of God, find a way to stay away from smoking (Prescription? Hypnosis?). I have to find a way. For me. For my Sweetie. Besides, I'm really tired of writing all these "downer" entries. I'm sure it's not fun to read. Damn sure isn't fun to write, but at least it is cathartic in some ways. Tomorrow is another chance to start again...

                                *****************************************
A number of current Training blogs that I follow related a story of taking an Advanced class on their off day. As I understand it, the regular 90 minute class is the warm up, and one ends up spending 5 hours in the room. I cannot imagine that. You men and women are so much stronger than I can hope to be.

Peace.

Just. Get. There.

I really don't have too much to report. Work is more difficult than normal. There seems to be so little time right now. My last class was on Sunday, and it actually wasn't that bad. Since then, I've had chances to go but I've had little to no motivation. It is unseasonably hot here (my computer says it is 102.... cold front finally due tonight) and I feel like it is going to be a tough class today. My gear is ready. I'm dressed. Class is 43 minutes from now and still I have no desire to go. At all. It's going to be rough. It's going to be hot. I haven't eaten well the last few days weeks, nor have I stayed properly hydrated.

Why do I do this?

My struggles make the idea of actually going through nine weeks of Teacher Training seem even more impossible. I'm keeping up with the goings on in LA through several different blogs (just check my list). Those people are only in the second week.... don't think I could make it through one! I have so much respect for anyone who undertakes such a challenge. (Challenge.... I can't even muster the interest in attempting any sort of challenge; whether it's 7 days, 10, 30, or 60.)

Well, it's time. Shutting it down and heading to the studio.

Just.     Get.      There.

Peace.

Motivation (or lack thereof....)

I have sat down three four times today, trying to form a few coherent thoughts. Here goes nothing.

It has been a very hectic month, between work and a quick getaway weekend with my sweetie. There has been little time for yoga (we had planned to start our own little challenge but that had to be put on the back burner). We are tired. Drained. Exhausted. We had agreed to go to class at 10 this morning but I didn't wake up until 9:30, so nothing doing. Could have gone later in the day, but instead of hydrating I sat, watched football, and ate. And ate. And ate. I went slightly insane, I think. The thought of going to class was.... not repulsive.... not upsetting.... well, after breakfast, there was no real thought of going to class. Sedentary and slothful were the words of the day.... What does one do when the motivation wanes? When one is just too tired, or upset, or hungry or just doesn't want to?

Speaking of my practice, there were a couple of classes worth talking about. One featured a former instructor who returned from LA -- apparently worked/taught at the home office. Big on anatomy. Pushed us hard. In Pranayama (where it's supposed to be a count of six, right?), I counted to 12 on more than one inhale. Always telling us what bones and muscles were being used atthatparticularpointand don'tforgettobreatheandpushpushpushpush. Seriously, it seemed like she never stopped talking! It might have been the closest I'll ever get to attending a class actually taught by Bikram. As I recall, the class ran over by a few minutes, and everyone was beaten. I tried to keep up but by Triangle I was toast. I couldn't maintain my breath because I was chasing her words so badly. Yuck.

A few days later I was back in the room. One of the regulars was teaching and I had something of a breakthrough. In Hands-to-Feet, for the first time I really felt like I was folding at the waist, and I came sooooooo close to getting both hands directly behind my heels. Anyhow, when I pulled on my heels, I felt my upper body really move, really felt my torso being pulled towards the floor. The lesson for me was just how weak my abs and core muscles are. I admit I've never been a fan of sit-ups/crunches, but I need to find something to help strengthen them....

Last Thursday I attended the 6AM class which was taught by the studio director. I guess the (old) new teacher rubbed off... her class was a bit more brisk... a little quicker in and out of postures, with postures being held a (tiny) bit longer. I"m just not very flexible that early in the day (who is?) but it wasn't a bad class by any means. I was the only one who sat out Triangle (as usual)....  I tried to get there but my hamstrings protested as they normally do....

Going forward? No rest for the wicked. Work. Meetings. New program to implement. Will try to get to four classes this week. Should not be a problem to get there... just need to rediscover my motivation for being there.... 

Peace.