At Some Point The Bar Doesn't Matter

Hello again!

It started on 29 February. I began a 60 day Bikram challenge which morphed into a 120 day challenge.

Today would have been Day 117.

Let me type that again.

Today would have been Day 117.

Alas, it is not to be.

From the start in February, this challenge has been the most demanding one I've ever undertaken. Illness, injury, work schedules and life events have taken their toll. I would get behind, then do double after double to catch up. Then I would get behind again, and repeat the process. When I got to Day 60, I was nowhere the level of proficiency I had attained last summer (read about it HERE). So I just kept going. And going. And going.

Problem was, my practice got worse. And worse. And worse.

I would start yawning in Pranayama. I couldn't extend my arms in Half-Moon. I had neither balance, nor strength, nor flexibility. I couldn't pick up or hold my foot in Head-to-Knee. Sometimes I couldn't reach back for my leg in Standing Bow. I was spending 45, 60, sometimes 70 minutes lying on my back. My anxiety grew. Crowded classes were difficult because there were so many people. Small classes were difficult because there was nowhere to hide from the instructor (as if one could hide from an instructor). I rarely focused on myself in the mirror. My diet improved... sometimes.

Still, I was going to knock this out and get back into form. My FB post from June 7:

"Here we are. Day 100, Class 94. This year, it has been infinitely more difficult -- I feel like a beginner again. If you've set up next to me or led any of my classes, you know what I'm talking about. That said, I am nothing if not stubborn. I've got 21 days left to complete 26 classes and I intend to see this through. Searching for that "A-ha!" moment where things fall back in place. And if it takes another 60 to figure it out, so be it."

Brave words, but hollow. The harder I pushed, the worse things got. From June 15:

"Do you ever suffer from impostor syndrome? Do you ever feel as though you simply have no business being in this room with these wonderful men and ladies? That you just don't quite fit in? Do you ever wonder how they can keep going, posture after posture, while you crash to the floor with your head down, feeling like a complete fool? Do you ever wish that the floor would open up and swallow you whole? Do you ever wonder? 

Haha. Me neither...

(Asking for a friend.)"

‪I was hoping I could make it work, but no. My classes got a little better, but I was just exhausting myself trying to catch up. I wasn't going to fall short. I wasn't going to FAIL.

When this week started, it was very simple: do doubles Monday - Friday and then rest up for a triple next Monday the 27th. (My work schedule prevents me from making any classes this weekend.)

I wasn't happy about it, but I was prepared to do it. Until Tuesday past.

From June 22:

"I did not take class tonight. I'm here to fulfill my work-study obligations.
A few days ago, I wrote about how I'm struggling in the room and how I was going to just keep going no matter what. My current challenge was to do 120 days (I did a 60-day and thought I should keep going), but work and life have put me behind to the point where I would have had to do a triple next Monday to finish on time. Last night a friend asked if I was going to a double and when I said yes they stopped me. Said they see me struggling. Didn't want me to do two classes, and if I did then at least simply do one set of each posture. Didn't want me to kill myself in there. Wanted me to get the full benefits of the yoga. Said it was ego that was driving me. 

You know what? This person was correct. 

Achieving a set number is great, but you can lose yourself in it. I just wanted to be as proficient as I was last summer. When it wasn't happening quickly enough, I felt like I was failing. I pushed harder and harder, ultimately to my detriment. I've never NOT completed a yoga challenge, and it is really hard to admit I'm going to fall short. But it would be better to stop and reset. So at 114 days and 110 classes, I'm stopping. Taking a day or two off. I'll get where I want to go, but I can't rush it. I must trust the process. 

So, no, I didn't take class tonight.
And I'm ok with it.

To that friend, Thank You!
Blessings to all."

The studio owner replied:

"What you have accomplished is nothing short of amazing. It's beyond what most of us could ever do. Please don't keep setting the bar higher and punishing yourself for not reaching it. At some point the bar doesn't matter. This is that time. You have done enough challenges and enough doubles and enough back to back yoga classes. Take a break. Take care of yourself. None of us are measuring you or your classes. We love you for you. I hope you can too."

Having a difficult time with that, as I have for most of my life.

I just don't quite know how to do that.

I planned on going to class tonight, but no. I'm going to rest some more and perhaps do some more writing this weekend  -- perhaps even here. 

Yoga can wait a little while longer.

Namaste.

 

A Tale of Four Classes

After practicing little over the past month, I've been able to string some classes together this week. It has been an interesting four days of yoga, to say the least...

Sunday morning 10AM: My first class in seven days. OUCH!! I was so tight and stiff. Everything just hurt. One of the staff told me that at one point, as he passed by the room, he saw me on my knees with my head in my hands. I don't remember that at all. It was one of those classes where nothing went right: weak, chasing my breath, falling out of postures at almost every turn. The high point of it all? The shower afterwards...

Monday 6:30PM: A very hard day of work with little time to prepare. Bad food choices and poor hydration contributed to the feeling that this class would be no better. Funny thing though: when I tweeted out that I was heading for class, a friend sent back a simple message:

"Do the posture!"

I don't know why or how, but suddenly I was galvanized to go in there and give it my all.

All I can say is: "Wow".

It was hot and the room was nearly full but it didn't matter. I was strong. I was focused.  I was in a yoga zone that I have never known. I did every posture. I think I sat out one set near the end. I cannot remember. All I know is that I think, for once, I completely surrendered myself to the yoga. I felt so calm and peaceful! Thinking of it now makes me wistful, to be honest. It was such a beautiful thing!!

Tuesday 6:30PM: Having issues with my job. Remarked that I could "...either go to class or choke someone out." Thankfully, I chose class. After Monday's high I was eager to see if I could build on it. I even set up in the hot corner on the front row. I tried to be as deliberate and strong as on the previous night but it just wasn't meant to be. It was a good class for the most part but I did have to exit the room between sets of Fixed-Firm. The heat was bouncing off the mirrors in that corner, and I started to feel a bit of panic. I got back in and finished class, but I just didn't feel as good. 

Wednesday 6:30PM: Woke up with sore hamstrings and leg/foot cramps. Not enough water or potassium. Spent most of my workday in a 36 degree dairy vault. All day, I thought of how nice that hot room would feel. I was not disappointed. Once again, I was on the front row (I didn't get there early like usual and the back rows fill up first). I started strong, working deeper into Half-Moon and almost getting a hand behind a heel in Hands-to-Feet. Even my Awkward was better, especially in the middle part. They always say, "The higher the toes, the easier the pose..". Not always, I backed off a bit and found it easier to balance. However, Triangle got me, as usual. I just couldn't hold it. I dialed it back a bit from there until the long Savasana. On the floor, sat out the second Camel and the first Rabbit, but finished out from there. All in all, a good, solid class. 

So, four days, four classes, four outcomes running the entire spectrum from disastrous to blissful. For the first time since resuming practice eleven months ago (can it really be a year already?), I felt the magic of this yoga again. For a short while on Monday, I felt like I stepped out of myself into a newer, better version of me. 

I need to get back there. That's the Mark I want to be. 

One more breath. 

One more posture. 

Namaste. 

The Century Mark

Two hundred and nineteen nights ago, I sat in this worn, uncomfortable seat and wrote a post about how nervous I was about returning to a regular Bikram Yoga practice, thanks to a renewal of the work-study program. Tomorrow night, I will complete my 100th class since returning.

So, how am I doing?

Well...

I started off wonderfully, full of joy, ready to work, ready to get back to where I was before. For a time, I was on the fast track back -- four, five, six classes a week. Eleven classes in a ten day stretch. A posture clinic. Seeing old friends and making new ones. I was enjoying the hell out of it.

Then came the summer. Issues at work. Issues at home. Making class became more difficult. Then, when I did get to class, I would struggle. Badly. The postures I could do reasonably well became more difficult, and the postures I struggled with became well nigh impossible.

Yesterday's class was a perfect example. In Half Moon there is a huge grab in my side when I try to bend to the left. In Hands-to-Feet, I can't get my hands under my feet -- not even close. Awkward Pose is intolerable. In Eagle, getting my foot behind my calf was becoming easier, but no more. From there it just gets worse -- so much worse that the floor series has become a 15-30 minute Savasana. I can barely look at myself in the mirror these days. Once, I even started to well up with tears but I held them back. No use crying when you are the one to blame for this, and make no mistake, it is my own doing. I'm not smoking, but my diet is still a wreck. No self control. No discipline. Lately, I've begun to wonder why the hell I'm even practicing... if I keep trying to hurt myself with a poor diet, if I can only make two or three classes a week, then why bother? If going to class was just a way of avoiding other issues at home or work, then why bother? If all I'm doing is basically taking a 90 minute steam bath, then why bother?

I'll tell you why.

I have to. For no one other than myself. I have to re-learn discipline. Patience. Love of self. Appreciation. Gratitude. And much more.

I will go back in there tomorrow night. I will simply look at myself in the eyes and try to remember how incredibly fortunate I am to be able to practice this yoga.

I'm tired of staring a hole in the floor while the rest of the class refuses to give up. I'm tired of the instructor saying, "Join back in when you can.", knowing full well that remark is directed at me.

I am strong.

I am a yogi.

Toes on the line...





 

It's Never Easy

strug·gle

intransitive verb\ˈstrə-gəl\

: to try very hard to do, achieve, or deal with something that is difficult or that causes problems

: to move with difficulty or with great effort

                                   : to try to move yourself, an object, etc., by making a lot of effort

via merriam-webster.com

Think about the word struggle for a moment.

Now, consider how that word applies to your practice.

For me, it is applicable in several ways. 

  : to try to move yourself, an object, etc., by making a lot of effort

The very act of performing postures is a struggle, at least most of the time. I'm a big, ungainly guy who has trouble with his balance but more than makes for it at times with a perplexing lack of strength. When I finally get my balance right, I'm too weak or breathless to hold the damn posture. More often though, the opposite holds true: I can enter the posture but cannot keep my balance for more than a few seconds. this seems to have worsened in the past month. There was one class two weeks ago where I received correction from the instructor in Pranayama, Half-Moon, Hands-to-Feet, Awkward, and Eagle. That never happened before; all because I had so much trouble keeping my balance. Then there are my knees, one of which I injured in April and the other which is now exhibiting a lot of the aches I felt before injuring the first one (did that make sense?). Of course, I have attended only eight classes this month, which leads me to....

...deal with something that is difficult or that causes problems

Just getting to class can be a struggle. It's July. It's hot. I just want to sit by the pool/fire up the grill/take a nap/go to the zoo/etc, etc. Your friends or loved ones want to do those things as well, and you don't want to miss the fun. So you tell yourself you will take an extra class tomorrow/next week/next month. Sometimes you do and sometimes you forget and sometimes you just say "Forget about it". Then there are times when your friends balk at your going to class again and become upset or downright angry. It can be amazing how many of your old friends disappear when you try to change your life... and how many new ones you can make.

: to try very hard to do... something that is difficult... to move with difficulty or with great effort

Once in the room, there are struggles great and small. From trying to get your hamstrings to stretch to reaching down to your heels to the sweat pouring into your ears or nose. Perhaps it's as simple as running late and not getting your preferred spot in the room (let's be honest: ANYWHERE in the room is good). Maybe your body aches and it is really difficult just to get your arms up over the head sideways. Maybe your heart hurts. Maybe you just can't quite get your breath under control and your chasing it in every posture. Maybe you've decided to do a 40-minute Savasana and you see no reason to change your mind.

And yet.. when you make that conscious effort to get to class, to find a spot no matter how unpalatable, when you just try to clear your mind, lift those tired arms up and breathe in deeply...

YOU ALLOW YOURSELF THE OPPORTUNITY FOR WONDERFUL THINGS TO HAPPEN, BOTH IN AND OUT OF THE ROOM!!

 Don't deny yourself. Don't let anyone or anything deny you.

You are special. You deserve to be healthy and happy.

It is not, and never will be easy. And that is just fine.

See you on the mat!!

Peace.

 

Lessons Old, Lessons New

Last night's class was one of those "really tough but really good" classes. I kept my focus, I worked hard, and...

I ACTUALLY COMPLETED BOTH SETS OF TRIANGLE WITHOUT FALLING OVER!!

It took a little longer to clean the studio because of my foggy "yoga brain" but that was ok.

Anyhow, since resuming my practice, I've been reminded of a lot of things to help me through the class -- and learned a couple of new ones (at least to me):

Your Pranayama and Half-Moon determine how the rest of your class will go. One of my first instructors told me this, and his words still ring true. In those classes where I am unfocused with my breathing, or where I just "hang out" in Half-Moon, I tend to have classes where I am not really into it, where I take a knee a lot, where I let my mind convince me that, "We really shouldn't be here". However, if I really focus on my Pranayama (knees locked, glutes engaged, shoulders down, chest lifted up), I am set for a much better class. In Half-Moon, if I really PUSH my hips out and think about trying to pull my top arm toward the back corner of the room, my posture is really strong, and the rest of the Standing Series goes better. I don't slack off or take a knee nearly as much.

HYDRATE. HYDRATE, HYDRATE!!! Seems like old hat for those of us who have practiced for any length of time, but it still bears mentioning. For me, that means cutting my coffee intake to just 1-2 cups a day, and no alcohol. the rest of the time it is either water or mineral water. Sometimes after class though I will have a small glass of soda as a small treat. How do I know if I've hydrated properly? If I can go through class and sip water 0-3 times it's good (yes, sometimes I never open the bottle during a class -- YOUR BODY IS DIFFERENT -- OBSERVE AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR SELF!).

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!! Yes, I know I just said that. But after seeing a woman faint as she left the room (she was ok), it must be said. If you need a break during the standing series, take a knee or sit down but keep your head above your heart. During the floor series, simply go back to Savasana. Let your body tell you what it needs. Sometime it is necessary to leave (I had to bail last night to retrieve my inhaler) -- just ask yourself if you really need to leave the room. The instructor can take better care of you in the room.

Now for a couple of posture tips I picked up this morning:

Balancing Stick: Work to keep your hips level and do what they say: Contract every muscle. 

Wind Removing: Work to keep your heel, knee, and shoulder all in one line when doing each leg separately.

Cobra: During setup, the top of each shoulder should be directly over the top of your middle finger.

Half-Tortoise: Along with holding in your stomach, activate your inner thighs and squeeze your legs together to help stabilize your core as you come into and out of the posture. This was the biggest surprise for me today -- I always have to push myself up part of the way with my hands to get back up.

Hope you find your way to your mat today!!!

PS: As for the nine class in eight challenge, still on schedule -- four in four.

Namaste.






 

Twenty classes later...

Hello again!

Tonight will mark the 21st class since returning to my Bikram yoga practice 45 days ago.

What have I learned?

1) I still love it! -- I just feel so grateful to be able to practice on a regular basis. To see old friends, to make new friends; to meet, take class from, and learn from new instructors -- it has just been amazing.

2) I have far to go... just to get back to the level I was at when I had to stop practicing. However, that is OK, because...

3) I understand more -- Since I already know the sequence of postures and how hot the room can get, there was less fear or apprehension at actually performing the postures. My only fear was that I would simply be unable to do a lot to begin with. Further, because I already know what to expect...

4) Things are "clicking " faster -- especially over the last 10 days or so. Last Thursday was the best class I've had since returning. My focus was really good, and I began to do more of the postures for longer. The first set of Standing Bow that night ranked right up there with the best I've ever done!

5) While some things are different -- Most of the instructors stick to the dialogue exclusively, and I think there have been a few tweaks to the dialogue. The more senior instructors do include tips and "mind-vitamins" for you to think about. Also, I think there is more attention is paid to making sure we get into the postures correctly -- "The setup determines the posture."

6) Some things remain the same --  What can I say? Triangle Pose is still a bitch. However, I must say that in the last week it has gotten better. I still fall out on almost every set, but I'm getting stronger little by little. Same thing happens in the next posture (Separate Leg Forehead to Knee).

7) Any posture in which I must tuck my chin to my chest is agony -- Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee, Rabbit, and Head to Knee w/ Stretching -- these just suck. I think it's because of the bronchitis that sent me to hospital last year, but anytime I do those poses I automatically feel like I'm not going to be able to breathe and I begin to panic and come up for air. This will take a lot more focus and discipline on my part.

8) I used to love the Spine Strengthening Series -- now it gives me fits. Especially in Locust. Before the hiatus I was doing a reasonable Locust. Now, I can barely get one leg up let alone both. Then in Fixed-Firm, my hips have closed so much I cannot sit myself down on the floor. Soon, though. Soon.

9) Camel makes me feel really weird -- The fact that I can do Camel at all so quickly is mind-boggling. However, I feel really strange once I come out. You always hear how "things will come up... or out" in Camel, but it never happened to me previously -- or perhaps I simply wasn't aware of it. I don't feel ill when I come up and out of the posture, just "disconnected" for a few seconds. Or perhaps I feel "more" connected. I don't fear it, but I need to try and understand it.

And finally...

10) IT STILL WORKS!! -- Yes, the yoga still works. Question the man who put it together on many counts, but don't question the yoga. I feel better. I'm eating better. I'm learning (and re-learning) more about myself. I love it!!

Thanks for stopping by... leave a comment if you have been moved... would love to hear from you!!

Namaste.


PS: While on vacation this week, trying to go to nine classes in eight days... I'll let you know how it turns out.





 

Thud.

"Steps taken forwards but sleepwalking back again
Dragged by the force of some inner tide"

 "High Hopes" -- From Pink Floyd's The Division Bell

Just home from work. Long six days, with work (driving me insane), a sick Sweetie (stomach flu... down for four days but now recovered), and a side project (completed) have meant 17, 18, even 19 hour days over that six day span. Made it to two classes last week (more on that in a minute). With so much to do and very little time, I jumped right back into old habits. Pizza. Cheeseburgers. Fried chicken. Fried fish. And all of it was take-out. Worse, I actually bought and drank at least one Dr. Pepper on five of those days. EVEN WORSE, I would smoke three, four, as many as six cigarettes a day!!! I was doing so well but give me long hours and stressful work conditions and I run right back to the old vices. I have fallen off the proverbial wagon on so many fronts.

Thing is, I don't feel very bad about it. I'm rationalizing all of this with reasons (excuses) such as:

     No use cooking for one.

     Needed the sugar and caffeine to keep going.

     Really no reason for smoking other than I wanted to.

Now, here I sit, with class just under two hours away, snacking on chips and cheese and trying to drink two liters of water in the next hour or two so that I am somewhat hydrated. It is my work study night, so I need to be there anyway. Might as well take class. Don't really want to. I'm tired, my knees ache, and I've had back spasms on and off since this morning. I am a wreck, and the last thing I want to do is sweat and pull and bend and groan and twist, twist, twist. Yet, given all of this, something inside tells me to keep going.

I stopped by the studio on Sunday to pick up the recycling. Sweetie is in charge of recycling and we are lucky to have two huge bins which the city empties weekly. As tired as I was, when I walked past the room, I paused. Both sets of doors were open slightly (class had ended 10 minutes earlier). As I walked past, I felt the heat hit me... must have been really toasty in there!! I stopped short and let the heat flow around me. The smells of the room overtook my nostrils -- the strong scent of perspiration, along with traces of tea tree oil and disinfectant (used when we clean the room). Added to those aromas, I swear, for just a fleeting moment, that I could smell emotions. Determination. Pain. Anger. Joy. Disappointment. Fear. Defeat. Surrender (not the same as defeat). For that tenth of a second, I think my mind went to a different place, a different level. I very badly wanted to take class right then and there. The moment stayed with me so briefly. I've tried to get back there but to no avail. Instead, my mind has dealt with the last six days, and now I don't even want to go. I feel like a failure (again). I'm so weak and inflexible and my mind is mush. At times I feel like giving up my work study spot and my practice. I feel like I do before I started practicing. Fat. Lazy. Without direction. Yes, at times I've wanted to cry. Cannot cry though... Don't let them see you cry....


                                             ************************************

My last class actually wasn't bad. It was last Thursday and the Really Difficult Teacher (I wrote about her here ) was teaching. Since the class was smaller than usual, I set up on the front row, something I rarely do and haven't tried in ages. Since I don't wear my glasses in class, It is blurry from the second row, and very difficult to focus on myself from the back row. Any way, she was her usual self -- pushing and pushing and asking us to take off the "training wheels" and push ourselves to a new level. This time however, most everything she said was clicking with me. I begin to see where she's coming from when she tells what us what muscles and bones are involved in a given posture.  Triangle was still elusive, but in Hands-to-Feet, as I pulled on my heels, I felt a sharp pop-pop-pop as my spine actually moved! I felt really strange for a second, then I couldn't keep from smiling. Definitely the high-point of class. I just wish she would hold it to six counts instead of 10-12 in Pranayama. Just saying...

One last thing for instructors: Want to make second set of Triangle more enjoyable? Find out if anyone is having a birthday in the next day or two. If so, once you get to "...just move your arms", have everyone sing "Happy Birthday" then come out and return to the set position. I actually made it through that set!!

Anyhow, time to shut it down. I'm going to go, and set up in the front. I am going to try my hardest and try to breathe correctly. Hopefully I find that place I found on Sunday, if only for a moment.

Peace.

Motivation (or lack thereof....)

I have sat down three four times today, trying to form a few coherent thoughts. Here goes nothing.

It has been a very hectic month, between work and a quick getaway weekend with my sweetie. There has been little time for yoga (we had planned to start our own little challenge but that had to be put on the back burner). We are tired. Drained. Exhausted. We had agreed to go to class at 10 this morning but I didn't wake up until 9:30, so nothing doing. Could have gone later in the day, but instead of hydrating I sat, watched football, and ate. And ate. And ate. I went slightly insane, I think. The thought of going to class was.... not repulsive.... not upsetting.... well, after breakfast, there was no real thought of going to class. Sedentary and slothful were the words of the day.... What does one do when the motivation wanes? When one is just too tired, or upset, or hungry or just doesn't want to?

Speaking of my practice, there were a couple of classes worth talking about. One featured a former instructor who returned from LA -- apparently worked/taught at the home office. Big on anatomy. Pushed us hard. In Pranayama (where it's supposed to be a count of six, right?), I counted to 12 on more than one inhale. Always telling us what bones and muscles were being used atthatparticularpointand don'tforgettobreatheandpushpushpushpush. Seriously, it seemed like she never stopped talking! It might have been the closest I'll ever get to attending a class actually taught by Bikram. As I recall, the class ran over by a few minutes, and everyone was beaten. I tried to keep up but by Triangle I was toast. I couldn't maintain my breath because I was chasing her words so badly. Yuck.

A few days later I was back in the room. One of the regulars was teaching and I had something of a breakthrough. In Hands-to-Feet, for the first time I really felt like I was folding at the waist, and I came sooooooo close to getting both hands directly behind my heels. Anyhow, when I pulled on my heels, I felt my upper body really move, really felt my torso being pulled towards the floor. The lesson for me was just how weak my abs and core muscles are. I admit I've never been a fan of sit-ups/crunches, but I need to find something to help strengthen them....

Last Thursday I attended the 6AM class which was taught by the studio director. I guess the (old) new teacher rubbed off... her class was a bit more brisk... a little quicker in and out of postures, with postures being held a (tiny) bit longer. I"m just not very flexible that early in the day (who is?) but it wasn't a bad class by any means. I was the only one who sat out Triangle (as usual)....  I tried to get there but my hamstrings protested as they normally do....

Going forward? No rest for the wicked. Work. Meetings. New program to implement. Will try to get to four classes this week. Should not be a problem to get there... just need to rediscover my motivation for being there.... 

Peace.

The Panic Attack

Yesterday was a rough one. For the first time in a long time (more than a decade at least), I had a full-on panic attack. It happened while I was at work. I have no idea what caused it -- all I do know is that one moment I was calmly going about my business, the next moment I was shaking, sweating, my teeth were chattering, my breathing was quick and shallow, and my heart threatened to pound a hole in my chest. I couldn't figure out why this was happening, and I found it hard to think, which made me even more panicked. I finally decided to take my lunch hour and visit my sweetie at her work just for a minute. I told her that I was unsure about going to class after work, but she encouraged me to go -- to lay down and BREATHE.

It took another hour for me to calm down. After the attack subsided I was exhausted but I decided that Sweetie was right and headed to the 4:30 class. On my way to the studio, I felt like I was going to have another attack. I tried to keep calm and get in the room.

When I got to the studio I advised the instructor of how I was feeling. She said I should go on in to the room (this was 15 minutes before class), lie down and concentrate on slow, deep breathing. Once class started, she advised that my only job for this class was to focus on my breath. In Pranayama, she asked me to try to inhale every last bit of air I could, then really BLAST it out, almost to the point of exaggeration, and push every bit of air back out. If I had to take a knee or lay down, that was cool, but really FOCUS (there is that word again!) on every breath. With that advice, class began. I opted for a spot in the back by one of the doors... just in case.

First set of Pranayama began. I made very sure to inhale really deep and force my elbows up more than usual, while keeping my legs locked. On the exhale, I finally did what they always say: push all the air out until there is NOTHING left and you start to feel a little dizzy. Guess what? By the end of the first set I felt much better. My heart was still trying to race, but it was better. Second set was improved. My Half-Moon was better than normal because I was really keeping tabs on my breathing. In fact, my standing set was not bad, considering the events of the day. I started to lose my composure after Triangle, and my heart started racing again, but just for a moment. I slowed back down and made it through Toe-Stand. On the floor, I was cool until Rabbit. I always feel smothered and claustrophobic in Rabbit, and I came out early both times.

Class ended and I stayed in the room longer than normal. I was really glad I stuck it out -- I had a greater sense of accomplishment than usual -- lately I've just been glad to survive. After a meal and a good night's sleep, I felt much better this morning. I did spend some time this morning trying to figure out why it happened or what triggered the panic attack, but after a bit I just let it go. No sense in worrying. Besides, now I can overcome it with a few deep, focused breaths!!

"Hatha Yoga teaches you to tyrannize your body and make it your slave, so your body does not tyrannize you and make you its slave. Only then, when you control the physical, can you begin to know the God."

                                      -- Bikram

 Slowly, I may be beginning to "get it".

Peace.

Focus. Part 2

So, I went to class last night. My one thought: Focus. Focus on the posture, focus on my breath, and focus on myself in the mirror.

How did I do?

Well, things started off well. Pranayama went well, and I tried to kill it in Half-Moon. In the Hands-to-Feet portion, I actually got this close to getting both hands behind my heels (in the first set, anyway). Awkward went better than usual, though I still can't stand on my tiptoes. Eagle was great (still my favorite standing posture). The thing I took away from this was this: When I slowed down and told myself to "Focus!", the posture was better. Not easier, but better. This went on until Triangle, when I began to lose that focus, and the same old thoughts popped up in my brain. This time, however, instead of letting those thoughts derail me, I was able to clear my mind and focus on the instructor's words. (If you think focus isn't important, consider that the instructor used the word at least six times, probably closer to ten.) I got back up for SSLH2K, then Tree and Toe Stand. Not too bad, but still very wobbly in Tree.

The floor set went OK. My focus was not as good, but I was just glad to make it to the end. (This past Sunday, I abandoned class at Half-Tortoise -- the left side of my back was hurting.) My back still hurt last night. I pretty much ignored the Spine-Strengthening poses, and I came out of Camel way early, but I hung in. Overall, I thought it was a good bounce-back class, and I felt a lot better, both physically and mentally.

No yoga today -- back at it tomorrow.

Peace.

Long Time Coming...

Twenty three days since I last wrote. Wow. Between work, and family in town, and internet difficulties it has been quite a stretch. I don't really know where to begin...

The heat has been excruciating. Forty straight days over 100 degrees. Many of those days the thermometer hit 105 or better. It has affected everyone. Tempers have shortened and flared. Patience has been in short supply.Yes, even for me. Everyone seems to be dragging. Tired faces, tired eyes. Autumn cannot get here fast enough.

My practice? Well, let's just say that right know I'm on the "hate" side of that love/hate relationship. I don't know whether to continue or just stop. I am going backwards in one damned hurry. One class, I fell out of Half-Moon!!!! My standing series is so bad.... The floor is marginally better. Well, not really... at least I can lay on the floor and cuss myself without anyone noticing. Really, it's that bad. I am failing big time.

Worse, I spend most of class questioning what the instuctor says. Examples? Sure:

"Don't try to hold back and save energy for later. Pour all your energy into every posture." If I did that I'd be done before Triangle. Every time.

"You will leave here with more energy than you came in with."  No, I will leave more tired and less hydrated. Oh, and sore as hell.

"The worst class you can have is the one you do not attend." No, the worst class I can have is the one in which I have no balance and almost topple over during Pranayama breathing!!!   It's the one where I cannot look at myself in the mirror. Where I cannot lift my legs in Locust (separately or together), I can't grab my heels in Camel, and I cannot breathe during Rabbit.

See? I'm in a bad spot. To make matters worse, I am eating everything in sight. And I do mean EVERYTHING. Sweets, junk food, fast food, even soft drinks. No matter how much I eat, I want more. Proper hydration has gone out the window. Right now, I want a 6 pack of beer and a pack of smokes.

I'm not going to class today. Haven't been since Thursday. I have to go tomorrow. I can tell you already that I am dreading it. I'm not going to quit. I can't quit. I've always quit. But I can't quit. Just can't. No more quitting.

"Trust the process."

Peace.

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