Quitter

I am a quitter.

Yes, I am.

I have quit a lot of times in my life. Some for the better, some for the worse.

I have quit smoking -- several times (I think this time it has taken hold for good -- fingers crossed).

I have quit drinking (not because of an abuse issue -- I simply have no more tolerance for it. One drink and the room is spinning.)

I quit college. Couldn't balance going to class and working 40 hours or more each week. 

I quit dating for a decade or so. I had better things to do than be continuously turned down or dumped.

I quit trying to advance at work. Actually I never really tried to advance. Just too much stress -- and the fact that I make as much or more when paid hourly as opposed to being on salary. 

I quit being lazy and start exercising more. Then I quit exercising because I'm tired and/or lazy. I quit junk food and start eating healthier, then I quit eating healthy because the junk is less expensive (or free in the break room fridge since the deli sends their day old subs and salads and sweets back for us).

You get the point. No matter what I am doing or attempting, I quit what I'm doing, and do the opposite, either because the effort is seemingly too much to give or because the expense is too great. 

Over and over and over again. The cycle spins ever onward. There seems to be no way to stop it. 

Yoga is one of the few things I haven't quit. That said, I am a quitter in the hot room as well. I fall out of poses and quit trying. I don't even attempt some poses. At the first twitch or pull or ache, I quit. When I know I have it in me to do the next pose, I quit and lay down -- or just leave the room. 

I quit quite a lot these days. I have regressed in many of the poses, so much so that I spend a lot of time staring down at my toes because I can't stand to see myself in the mirror.  Sometimes I wonder why I'm there at all. It would be simpler to stop practicing. It would be easier just to while away my spare time watching TV or surfing the net. It would be easier to get fat (fatter) and not give a damn. 

Yet, there I am, unrolling my mat, trying to stretch, and  standing up with the sound of the gong to begin class. Day after day. Evening after evening. 

Yoga is the place where I am trying to learn how not to quit. 

So far, so good. 

Peace. 

  

Long Time Coming...

Twenty three days since I last wrote. Wow. Between work, and family in town, and internet difficulties it has been quite a stretch. I don't really know where to begin...

The heat has been excruciating. Forty straight days over 100 degrees. Many of those days the thermometer hit 105 or better. It has affected everyone. Tempers have shortened and flared. Patience has been in short supply.Yes, even for me. Everyone seems to be dragging. Tired faces, tired eyes. Autumn cannot get here fast enough.

My practice? Well, let's just say that right know I'm on the "hate" side of that love/hate relationship. I don't know whether to continue or just stop. I am going backwards in one damned hurry. One class, I fell out of Half-Moon!!!! My standing series is so bad.... The floor is marginally better. Well, not really... at least I can lay on the floor and cuss myself without anyone noticing. Really, it's that bad. I am failing big time.

Worse, I spend most of class questioning what the instuctor says. Examples? Sure:

"Don't try to hold back and save energy for later. Pour all your energy into every posture." If I did that I'd be done before Triangle. Every time.

"You will leave here with more energy than you came in with."  No, I will leave more tired and less hydrated. Oh, and sore as hell.

"The worst class you can have is the one you do not attend." No, the worst class I can have is the one in which I have no balance and almost topple over during Pranayama breathing!!!   It's the one where I cannot look at myself in the mirror. Where I cannot lift my legs in Locust (separately or together), I can't grab my heels in Camel, and I cannot breathe during Rabbit.

See? I'm in a bad spot. To make matters worse, I am eating everything in sight. And I do mean EVERYTHING. Sweets, junk food, fast food, even soft drinks. No matter how much I eat, I want more. Proper hydration has gone out the window. Right now, I want a 6 pack of beer and a pack of smokes.

I'm not going to class today. Haven't been since Thursday. I have to go tomorrow. I can tell you already that I am dreading it. I'm not going to quit. I can't quit. I've always quit. But I can't quit. Just can't. No more quitting.

"Trust the process."

Peace.

81 

Capitulation

Tuesday night, 6:30 class. Worked all day, then rushed home to pack gear, then off to pick Missy up from work, then finally to the studio. Last ones in before the doors are locked. Hurry to change and get in the room. Sarah is teaching, and class has already started. I find a spot in the second row (left side of the room), just throw down my mat, and get into first set of  pranayama. I can't catch my breath, gasping instead of taking those long, fluid breaths. Second set is marginally better. We haven't completed one posture and I am already a wreck.

It doesn't get any better.

Half-moon is ridiculously difficult; hands-to-feet is worse. There is no such thing as locking the knee or maintaining any sort of balance. I fall out of every balancing posture in 10 seconds or less. But hey, it's ok, my breathing sucks, too, huffing and puffing and unable to slow it down. In Standing-separate-leg-stretching, I am nowhere close to grabbing my heels. Sarah offers encouragement and I give it a rather lame try. I do grab the outsides of my feet but my hips and legs scream at me. Triangle? HA! I might get that posture down in the next decade or so. By Tree pose I was past the point of caring. I spent most of the floor series on my back, just trying to stay in the room. I have never left the room so quickly.

I had given up.

I had quit.

No, it's not the first time something like this has happened. It just seems like Tuesday night was the worst case ever.  It has had me thinking ever since: What is my problem? Why, when others fight through their issues and can at least participate in each posture, I give in? Why do I just stop? Am I that weak? Is it simply circumstance? What is it that makes it so tough for me to grind out a class?

Is it simply a lack of time to prepare? Perhaps. We all have some form of pre-class routine. I feel odd if I can't get the right spot in the room, or if I can't get in the room early enough so I can let my body get warmed up a bit. Those are attachments, and we are told over and over to let go of any attachments.

Is it diet? I bet there is a lot to this. I haven't been eating as well as before. Fast food is creeping back into my life more and more. Yes, there are times when there is simply no alternative. That said, I know I can do better, and must do so. Now. Hydration has been an issue as well. One or two liters of water is not enough. Coffee is taking way too high a priority. Hotter weather usually takes care of that, but I must be more conscious of my fluid intake. Proper nutrition and hydration make a world of difference in my practice.

The biggest question I have is the one I have no answer for: Just exactly how do I get my mind to work better, to concentrate better, to let go of what is going on around (and inside) me, and focus on breathing and movement?

29 classes down, 171 to go.

Peace.