Capitulation

Tuesday night, 6:30 class. Worked all day, then rushed home to pack gear, then off to pick Missy up from work, then finally to the studio. Last ones in before the doors are locked. Hurry to change and get in the room. Sarah is teaching, and class has already started. I find a spot in the second row (left side of the room), just throw down my mat, and get into first set of  pranayama. I can't catch my breath, gasping instead of taking those long, fluid breaths. Second set is marginally better. We haven't completed one posture and I am already a wreck.

It doesn't get any better.

Half-moon is ridiculously difficult; hands-to-feet is worse. There is no such thing as locking the knee or maintaining any sort of balance. I fall out of every balancing posture in 10 seconds or less. But hey, it's ok, my breathing sucks, too, huffing and puffing and unable to slow it down. In Standing-separate-leg-stretching, I am nowhere close to grabbing my heels. Sarah offers encouragement and I give it a rather lame try. I do grab the outsides of my feet but my hips and legs scream at me. Triangle? HA! I might get that posture down in the next decade or so. By Tree pose I was past the point of caring. I spent most of the floor series on my back, just trying to stay in the room. I have never left the room so quickly.

I had given up.

I had quit.

No, it's not the first time something like this has happened. It just seems like Tuesday night was the worst case ever.  It has had me thinking ever since: What is my problem? Why, when others fight through their issues and can at least participate in each posture, I give in? Why do I just stop? Am I that weak? Is it simply circumstance? What is it that makes it so tough for me to grind out a class?

Is it simply a lack of time to prepare? Perhaps. We all have some form of pre-class routine. I feel odd if I can't get the right spot in the room, or if I can't get in the room early enough so I can let my body get warmed up a bit. Those are attachments, and we are told over and over to let go of any attachments.

Is it diet? I bet there is a lot to this. I haven't been eating as well as before. Fast food is creeping back into my life more and more. Yes, there are times when there is simply no alternative. That said, I know I can do better, and must do so. Now. Hydration has been an issue as well. One or two liters of water is not enough. Coffee is taking way too high a priority. Hotter weather usually takes care of that, but I must be more conscious of my fluid intake. Proper nutrition and hydration make a world of difference in my practice.

The biggest question I have is the one I have no answer for: Just exactly how do I get my mind to work better, to concentrate better, to let go of what is going on around (and inside) me, and focus on breathing and movement?

29 classes down, 171 to go.

Peace.