It's Never Easy

strug·gle

intransitive verb\ˈstrə-gəl\

: to try very hard to do, achieve, or deal with something that is difficult or that causes problems

: to move with difficulty or with great effort

                                   : to try to move yourself, an object, etc., by making a lot of effort

via merriam-webster.com

Think about the word struggle for a moment.

Now, consider how that word applies to your practice.

For me, it is applicable in several ways. 

  : to try to move yourself, an object, etc., by making a lot of effort

The very act of performing postures is a struggle, at least most of the time. I'm a big, ungainly guy who has trouble with his balance but more than makes for it at times with a perplexing lack of strength. When I finally get my balance right, I'm too weak or breathless to hold the damn posture. More often though, the opposite holds true: I can enter the posture but cannot keep my balance for more than a few seconds. this seems to have worsened in the past month. There was one class two weeks ago where I received correction from the instructor in Pranayama, Half-Moon, Hands-to-Feet, Awkward, and Eagle. That never happened before; all because I had so much trouble keeping my balance. Then there are my knees, one of which I injured in April and the other which is now exhibiting a lot of the aches I felt before injuring the first one (did that make sense?). Of course, I have attended only eight classes this month, which leads me to....

...deal with something that is difficult or that causes problems

Just getting to class can be a struggle. It's July. It's hot. I just want to sit by the pool/fire up the grill/take a nap/go to the zoo/etc, etc. Your friends or loved ones want to do those things as well, and you don't want to miss the fun. So you tell yourself you will take an extra class tomorrow/next week/next month. Sometimes you do and sometimes you forget and sometimes you just say "Forget about it". Then there are times when your friends balk at your going to class again and become upset or downright angry. It can be amazing how many of your old friends disappear when you try to change your life... and how many new ones you can make.

: to try very hard to do... something that is difficult... to move with difficulty or with great effort

Once in the room, there are struggles great and small. From trying to get your hamstrings to stretch to reaching down to your heels to the sweat pouring into your ears or nose. Perhaps it's as simple as running late and not getting your preferred spot in the room (let's be honest: ANYWHERE in the room is good). Maybe your body aches and it is really difficult just to get your arms up over the head sideways. Maybe your heart hurts. Maybe you just can't quite get your breath under control and your chasing it in every posture. Maybe you've decided to do a 40-minute Savasana and you see no reason to change your mind.

And yet.. when you make that conscious effort to get to class, to find a spot no matter how unpalatable, when you just try to clear your mind, lift those tired arms up and breathe in deeply...

YOU ALLOW YOURSELF THE OPPORTUNITY FOR WONDERFUL THINGS TO HAPPEN, BOTH IN AND OUT OF THE ROOM!!

 Don't deny yourself. Don't let anyone or anything deny you.

You are special. You deserve to be healthy and happy.

It is not, and never will be easy. And that is just fine.

See you on the mat!!

Peace.

 

I Thought I Knew Savasana

Fifty minutes or so have passed in your Bikram class. You've stretched and pulled and bent your body in a myriad of ways. You've been asked to show "bengal tiger strength" and "bulldog determination". You've attempted to pull on your heels, lock your knees, and touch your forehead to the floor (or your knee). You've tried oh so hard to balance on one leg, then the other, then on your toes. If you're like me, you've also been awake for fourteen hours commuting, working, preparing meals, cleaning, or any of a hundred different things that might make up your day. You're getting tired, you may be a wee bit dehydrated or nauseous (that cheeseburger two hours was a mistake).

You need a break. You need it badly.

Then those magic words ring out:

"Lie down on your back. Savasana."

You crumple in a heap on your mat, guzzle down some water, and try to get yourself situated. While all this is going on, you dimly hear more dialogue that may or may not include the following:

"Bring your legs together, heels together, feet fall open. Arms by your side, palms facing up. We take two minutes here to relax and let the body sort itself out. Focus one spot on the ceiling, resist the urge to adjust your costume, to scratch, to wipe, or anything else. Empty your mind and focus on full, deep breaths. Belly rise, belly fall."

Of course while these words are spoken, you (meaning me) are too busy doing almost ALL the things you aren't supposed to do. The sweat is running down everywhere, making me itch. My breathing resembles a locomotive instead of in and out through the mouth. My mind races with thoughts of what to eat after class, what the following work day looks like, the grocery list, etc.

That was Savasana for me when I began practicing. Over time, it has gradually moved to a more relaxing, renewing break before the floor series.

At least, I thought it was. Then about ten days ago, I had a small revelation.

There I was, laying quietly, breathing in and out through the nose, legs quiet, no scratching, no moving, mind quiet. The instructor said something I've heard a thousand times: "Relax your neck."

I did. It felt like my neck dropped six inches, although it was much less than one. I never knew how much tension I held there! I was surprised at how much of a difference that made. Now, I really focus on relaxing ALL of my body, from heels to head. The clearing of the mind is still a challenge every class, but it's getting better. I have been interested in getting into meditation, and this is a good way to begin.

Last week, I learned a good tip for Savasana on your stomach. Try to touch your earlobe to the floor every time in order to stretch your neck fully. It works!

How long to stay in final Savasana? You are told two minutes. Five is better. Stay in the moment. Let your body get acquainted with all you have done. Meditate. Breathe.When you get up and leave the room, the world will still be there, doing it's very best to break you down. Make the world wait for you instead of the other way around for once. You've just done something wonderful for yourself. You've spent time on yourself. And your Self.

You deserve it.

Peace.

When one class simply isn't enough...

Vacation is coming to an end. In a few hours, it's back to the mind numbing, day to day grind. My goal for these eight days was to attend nine classes. Naturally this meant that somewhere I'd have to do a double.

I've taken two classes in a day before but never the true, back to back double. So, after yesterday's class (which was quite strong), I made sure to drink at least 5 liters of water (with a little coffee thrown in at breakfast) and stretch throughout the day. Cleaning house and doing more loads of laundry than I can count kept me moving and my body loose. A good night's sleep and there I was at 7:35 this morning to take the 8 and 10AM classes.

The only word that comes to mind is AMAZING.

Knowing that there was three full hours of yoga ahead of me, I knew I had to keep some energy in reserve. So, for the first class, I took it slowly. In each posture, I didn't go to my edge where I might fall out, but just short. I figure I was going 80-90% into the posture -- where I could feel the stretches and compressions while keeping my breathing under control.

You know in the dialogue where they say, "The slower you go, the better you do..."?

They (yet again) are correct!

My floor series in the first class was so much better than normal!! I did all the postures -- even gave it full effort in both sets of Rabbit, which isn't normal at all. Overall, the first class was quite the success. After a pint of coconut water and a costume change, I was ready for class number two. As an added challenge, I moved from my comfortable spot on the right side of the room all the way across to the far left side (got to beware of attachments, you know).

Quite simply, my second class was phenomenal.

The warm-up was actually quite difficult. Half-moon was harder the second time, as was Awkward. After that, things went more easily. In Eagle, I got each foot behind the leg and held it for almost the entire time! Then, after Party Time, the miracle happened. I was able to actually lock the knee and kick out the leg in Standing Head-to-Knee. In both sets!!! Couldn't kick out straight, and couldn't stay there long, but I finally got there!! I was amazed and pretty damn proud of that! The rest of the Standing series was a blur. Took a knee twice but I was just so happy about such a huge improvement in SH2K. Even took a crack at Toestand, which I used to love but a balky right knee has made very difficult.

The floor series was harder but I actually went further in most of the postures than I have in a long time! My spine-strengthening set was so much better! After that I started to falter, but fortunately I was surrounded by three ladies and a gentleman who, by simply continuing to do posture after posture, kept me focused and energized. Each time I thought about taking a set off, they would all rise as one. I just wasn't going to try a double and lay out the final 25 minutes. With their silent assistance, I did every posture and made it through. My post-class mineral water has rarely tasted so good.

Overall, since the first class was a warmup, I was so much more flexible for the second. Therefore, instead of using my strength to find flexibility, I was (for once) using my flexibility to gain strength. In addition, my mind was more clear in the second class. There was less mental resistance, less "monkey mind", and more surrendering to the moment. It really was just a matter of listening intently and moving and breathing. Finally, the second class seemed to fly by. It was hard to believe I has just finished two back to back classes, let alone survived them so well!!

It can't be done all the time, but if you can invest a full morning or afternoon I hope you try to do a double. Your body, your mind, and your practice will thank you.


Namaste.

Lessons Old, Lessons New

Last night's class was one of those "really tough but really good" classes. I kept my focus, I worked hard, and...

I ACTUALLY COMPLETED BOTH SETS OF TRIANGLE WITHOUT FALLING OVER!!

It took a little longer to clean the studio because of my foggy "yoga brain" but that was ok.

Anyhow, since resuming my practice, I've been reminded of a lot of things to help me through the class -- and learned a couple of new ones (at least to me):

Your Pranayama and Half-Moon determine how the rest of your class will go. One of my first instructors told me this, and his words still ring true. In those classes where I am unfocused with my breathing, or where I just "hang out" in Half-Moon, I tend to have classes where I am not really into it, where I take a knee a lot, where I let my mind convince me that, "We really shouldn't be here". However, if I really focus on my Pranayama (knees locked, glutes engaged, shoulders down, chest lifted up), I am set for a much better class. In Half-Moon, if I really PUSH my hips out and think about trying to pull my top arm toward the back corner of the room, my posture is really strong, and the rest of the Standing Series goes better. I don't slack off or take a knee nearly as much.

HYDRATE. HYDRATE, HYDRATE!!! Seems like old hat for those of us who have practiced for any length of time, but it still bears mentioning. For me, that means cutting my coffee intake to just 1-2 cups a day, and no alcohol. the rest of the time it is either water or mineral water. Sometimes after class though I will have a small glass of soda as a small treat. How do I know if I've hydrated properly? If I can go through class and sip water 0-3 times it's good (yes, sometimes I never open the bottle during a class -- YOUR BODY IS DIFFERENT -- OBSERVE AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR SELF!).

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!! Yes, I know I just said that. But after seeing a woman faint as she left the room (she was ok), it must be said. If you need a break during the standing series, take a knee or sit down but keep your head above your heart. During the floor series, simply go back to Savasana. Let your body tell you what it needs. Sometime it is necessary to leave (I had to bail last night to retrieve my inhaler) -- just ask yourself if you really need to leave the room. The instructor can take better care of you in the room.

Now for a couple of posture tips I picked up this morning:

Balancing Stick: Work to keep your hips level and do what they say: Contract every muscle. 

Wind Removing: Work to keep your heel, knee, and shoulder all in one line when doing each leg separately.

Cobra: During setup, the top of each shoulder should be directly over the top of your middle finger.

Half-Tortoise: Along with holding in your stomach, activate your inner thighs and squeeze your legs together to help stabilize your core as you come into and out of the posture. This was the biggest surprise for me today -- I always have to push myself up part of the way with my hands to get back up.

Hope you find your way to your mat today!!!

PS: As for the nine class in eight challenge, still on schedule -- four in four.

Namaste.






 

Acceptance

This one will be short. No practice yet. Too many things going on. Seems as though neither Sweetie nor I will ever get back into practice. Not going to bore you with details, but I am proud to say that I haven't felt this good since leaving the hospital. It has been 99 days since I have had a cigarette, but if offered one right now, I can't swear I would refuse.

Anyhow, I do continue to read the blogs listed at right. In one of them, Bikram Butterflies , Kerry writes of her struggles and how it has helped her learn acceptance. Perhaps that is my issue. I've talked and talked ad nauseam about how badly I want to return to the hot room, to work on me again, to get back to where I was. Maybe I need to just be quiet and accept things for what they are and trust that the worm will turn eventually and my practice -- our practice -- will resume.

Problem: In my mind, I equate accepting with settling or giving up or setting aside.

Am I wrong?

If I stop trying and working and planning to achieve a goal, if I accept that I cannot return to practice, I'm giving up, right? That is the last thing I want to do.

I really don't know what else to say. I learned to love yoga. I miss it. I miss writing about it.

Perhaps I need to learn acceptance.

Peace.

 

Thud.

"Steps taken forwards but sleepwalking back again
Dragged by the force of some inner tide"

 "High Hopes" -- From Pink Floyd's The Division Bell

Just home from work. Long six days, with work (driving me insane), a sick Sweetie (stomach flu... down for four days but now recovered), and a side project (completed) have meant 17, 18, even 19 hour days over that six day span. Made it to two classes last week (more on that in a minute). With so much to do and very little time, I jumped right back into old habits. Pizza. Cheeseburgers. Fried chicken. Fried fish. And all of it was take-out. Worse, I actually bought and drank at least one Dr. Pepper on five of those days. EVEN WORSE, I would smoke three, four, as many as six cigarettes a day!!! I was doing so well but give me long hours and stressful work conditions and I run right back to the old vices. I have fallen off the proverbial wagon on so many fronts.

Thing is, I don't feel very bad about it. I'm rationalizing all of this with reasons (excuses) such as:

     No use cooking for one.

     Needed the sugar and caffeine to keep going.

     Really no reason for smoking other than I wanted to.

Now, here I sit, with class just under two hours away, snacking on chips and cheese and trying to drink two liters of water in the next hour or two so that I am somewhat hydrated. It is my work study night, so I need to be there anyway. Might as well take class. Don't really want to. I'm tired, my knees ache, and I've had back spasms on and off since this morning. I am a wreck, and the last thing I want to do is sweat and pull and bend and groan and twist, twist, twist. Yet, given all of this, something inside tells me to keep going.

I stopped by the studio on Sunday to pick up the recycling. Sweetie is in charge of recycling and we are lucky to have two huge bins which the city empties weekly. As tired as I was, when I walked past the room, I paused. Both sets of doors were open slightly (class had ended 10 minutes earlier). As I walked past, I felt the heat hit me... must have been really toasty in there!! I stopped short and let the heat flow around me. The smells of the room overtook my nostrils -- the strong scent of perspiration, along with traces of tea tree oil and disinfectant (used when we clean the room). Added to those aromas, I swear, for just a fleeting moment, that I could smell emotions. Determination. Pain. Anger. Joy. Disappointment. Fear. Defeat. Surrender (not the same as defeat). For that tenth of a second, I think my mind went to a different place, a different level. I very badly wanted to take class right then and there. The moment stayed with me so briefly. I've tried to get back there but to no avail. Instead, my mind has dealt with the last six days, and now I don't even want to go. I feel like a failure (again). I'm so weak and inflexible and my mind is mush. At times I feel like giving up my work study spot and my practice. I feel like I do before I started practicing. Fat. Lazy. Without direction. Yes, at times I've wanted to cry. Cannot cry though... Don't let them see you cry....


                                             ************************************

My last class actually wasn't bad. It was last Thursday and the Really Difficult Teacher (I wrote about her here ) was teaching. Since the class was smaller than usual, I set up on the front row, something I rarely do and haven't tried in ages. Since I don't wear my glasses in class, It is blurry from the second row, and very difficult to focus on myself from the back row. Any way, she was her usual self -- pushing and pushing and asking us to take off the "training wheels" and push ourselves to a new level. This time however, most everything she said was clicking with me. I begin to see where she's coming from when she tells what us what muscles and bones are involved in a given posture.  Triangle was still elusive, but in Hands-to-Feet, as I pulled on my heels, I felt a sharp pop-pop-pop as my spine actually moved! I felt really strange for a second, then I couldn't keep from smiling. Definitely the high-point of class. I just wish she would hold it to six counts instead of 10-12 in Pranayama. Just saying...

One last thing for instructors: Want to make second set of Triangle more enjoyable? Find out if anyone is having a birthday in the next day or two. If so, once you get to "...just move your arms", have everyone sing "Happy Birthday" then come out and return to the set position. I actually made it through that set!!

Anyhow, time to shut it down. I'm going to go, and set up in the front. I am going to try my hardest and try to breathe correctly. Hopefully I find that place I found on Sunday, if only for a moment.

Peace.

A Matter of Perspective

I was able to make the 4:30 class yesterday. I had gone back and forth about going -- I was still fighting a cold and I knew it would be a tough one. I was ready to bag it but Sweetie encouraged me to go, so off I went. It was a pretty good sized group, and I knew I was in trouble early. By Eagle pose, I was lost. I couldn't get either foot to hook behind my legs, I couldn't keep my balance, I was tired and not very flexible. I was unable to get my arms back to my heels in Camel, and came out of it with my left shoulder hurting. Long story short, it was a class to forget, save for one thing.

At one point during the floor series, our instructor, Heather, spoke about having the right mindset. I don't recall her exact words, but the point was this: The perspective you take into the room will make a world of difference in your practice. When you are tired and complaining about coming to class, think instead of how much better you will feel after it's over. When you are pulling on your heels, or trying to hold a decent Triangle, and you feel that same old tightness in your hip or leg or back, do you think, "Oh man, this is never going to get loose.", or do you think, "This is good. This isn't tightness, it's a new area of my body opening up."? Do you silently chastise yourself for the postures you are unable to hold, or do you enjoy the quiet little victories that appear in every class?

I must admit that while those words struck a chord, I was unable to put it into practice in the middle of class. Tonight, I will go into the chamber with the intention of keeping a positive frame of mind from first minute to last. This is not an easy thing for me... by the time we get to Balancing Stick I usually have decided how the class will go, good or bad. Perhaps by concentrating on my intention, I can put the heat, the humidity, and my weakness aside and just DO THE POSTURE, PLEASE!!!

40 classes down, 160 to go.

Namaste.