At Some Point The Bar Doesn't Matter

Hello again!

It started on 29 February. I began a 60 day Bikram challenge which morphed into a 120 day challenge.

Today would have been Day 117.

Let me type that again.

Today would have been Day 117.

Alas, it is not to be.

From the start in February, this challenge has been the most demanding one I've ever undertaken. Illness, injury, work schedules and life events have taken their toll. I would get behind, then do double after double to catch up. Then I would get behind again, and repeat the process. When I got to Day 60, I was nowhere the level of proficiency I had attained last summer (read about it HERE). So I just kept going. And going. And going.

Problem was, my practice got worse. And worse. And worse.

I would start yawning in Pranayama. I couldn't extend my arms in Half-Moon. I had neither balance, nor strength, nor flexibility. I couldn't pick up or hold my foot in Head-to-Knee. Sometimes I couldn't reach back for my leg in Standing Bow. I was spending 45, 60, sometimes 70 minutes lying on my back. My anxiety grew. Crowded classes were difficult because there were so many people. Small classes were difficult because there was nowhere to hide from the instructor (as if one could hide from an instructor). I rarely focused on myself in the mirror. My diet improved... sometimes.

Still, I was going to knock this out and get back into form. My FB post from June 7:

"Here we are. Day 100, Class 94. This year, it has been infinitely more difficult -- I feel like a beginner again. If you've set up next to me or led any of my classes, you know what I'm talking about. That said, I am nothing if not stubborn. I've got 21 days left to complete 26 classes and I intend to see this through. Searching for that "A-ha!" moment where things fall back in place. And if it takes another 60 to figure it out, so be it."

Brave words, but hollow. The harder I pushed, the worse things got. From June 15:

"Do you ever suffer from impostor syndrome? Do you ever feel as though you simply have no business being in this room with these wonderful men and ladies? That you just don't quite fit in? Do you ever wonder how they can keep going, posture after posture, while you crash to the floor with your head down, feeling like a complete fool? Do you ever wish that the floor would open up and swallow you whole? Do you ever wonder? 

Haha. Me neither...

(Asking for a friend.)"

‪I was hoping I could make it work, but no. My classes got a little better, but I was just exhausting myself trying to catch up. I wasn't going to fall short. I wasn't going to FAIL.

When this week started, it was very simple: do doubles Monday - Friday and then rest up for a triple next Monday the 27th. (My work schedule prevents me from making any classes this weekend.)

I wasn't happy about it, but I was prepared to do it. Until Tuesday past.

From June 22:

"I did not take class tonight. I'm here to fulfill my work-study obligations.
A few days ago, I wrote about how I'm struggling in the room and how I was going to just keep going no matter what. My current challenge was to do 120 days (I did a 60-day and thought I should keep going), but work and life have put me behind to the point where I would have had to do a triple next Monday to finish on time. Last night a friend asked if I was going to a double and when I said yes they stopped me. Said they see me struggling. Didn't want me to do two classes, and if I did then at least simply do one set of each posture. Didn't want me to kill myself in there. Wanted me to get the full benefits of the yoga. Said it was ego that was driving me. 

You know what? This person was correct. 

Achieving a set number is great, but you can lose yourself in it. I just wanted to be as proficient as I was last summer. When it wasn't happening quickly enough, I felt like I was failing. I pushed harder and harder, ultimately to my detriment. I've never NOT completed a yoga challenge, and it is really hard to admit I'm going to fall short. But it would be better to stop and reset. So at 114 days and 110 classes, I'm stopping. Taking a day or two off. I'll get where I want to go, but I can't rush it. I must trust the process. 

So, no, I didn't take class tonight.
And I'm ok with it.

To that friend, Thank You!
Blessings to all."

The studio owner replied:

"What you have accomplished is nothing short of amazing. It's beyond what most of us could ever do. Please don't keep setting the bar higher and punishing yourself for not reaching it. At some point the bar doesn't matter. This is that time. You have done enough challenges and enough doubles and enough back to back yoga classes. Take a break. Take care of yourself. None of us are measuring you or your classes. We love you for you. I hope you can too."

Having a difficult time with that, as I have for most of my life.

I just don't quite know how to do that.

I planned on going to class tonight, but no. I'm going to rest some more and perhaps do some more writing this weekend  -- perhaps even here. 

Yoga can wait a little while longer.

Namaste.

 

The Grinder

It hurts.

EVERYTHING hurts.

Knees. Hips. Shoulders. Back. Front. Teeth. Hair.

It. All. Hurts.

I could go back and recount each class but that would bore you. And me.

Let's just say that I'm in the grinder, and I'm being chewed up.

There is no rhyme or reason to it. One class is OK, the next I'm flat on my back and questioning my sanity.
Questioning my practice.
Questioning my life.
Questioning everything.

Add to that the fact that I was unable to take class for two days in a row. Now I've got 17 days to do the last 20 classes.

Some highlights:

Class 33: No water, no lunch. Yet, I walk in with the feeling I'm going to kick ass. Instead, I'm down for the count at Triangle.

Class 34: Took the 5:30AM. Somehow I manage to get my hands behind my feet in H2K!

Class 35: Bad night all around. Instructor sets up in front of me and warms up by doing perfect handstands one after another. Surrounded by really good students who outclass me. I was the flabby, pale guy surrounded by toned, fit, healthy yogis. No confidence or will power. I was toast before Triangle. Yes, I know I'm only supposed to focus on myself but sometimes it is impossible -- especially when everyone is doing a perfect Balancing Stick and I'm standing there with hands on hips, gasping for air.

Balancing Stick Pose

(That is NOT me.)

 

That's really all you need to read. Lots of laying on my back. One decent class followed by a terrible one.

The cycle has kept up this week. A good double on Sunday, tough nights Monday, and Tuesday, then a surprisingly good class this morning! Since I'm taking class again tonight, it must mean that tonight's class is going to be a bitch. 

 

And so it goes...

 

 

Namaste.

 

 

Thoughts at Halfway

Saturday, May 2

No yoga today, and if I'm honest, I'm thankful for that. 

I have made it halfway through my sixty day challenge -- actually I'm on 31 classes. Wednesday's single class was followed by a double on Thursday to reach 30 classes in 30 days. That was followed by a 5:30AM class on Friday morning (necessary because I was on assignment and had a 64 mile commute that day). That meant that I had completed three classes in 14.5 hours. All three classes were actually pretty good. The surprising part was how flexible I was in the morning class where I am usually not very bendy... Needless to say, however, by the time I got home last night I was toast. I slept very well (almost too well -- I overslept by a few minutes but made it to work on time this morning).

So, I thought about sharing a few tidbits at the halfway point. 

1) This is more difficult than I remember. 

Of course it's been almost six years since my first go round with this yoga, and that first year I did two challenges that summer. At 47 things progress just a tad more slowly than at 41. 

2) I am more mindful of form. 

In the past, I would alter a pose or alter the entrance into a pose just to "look right". I didn't want to be the fat guy or the old guy who couldn't perform a pose. I was a "poser" of sorts (pardon the pun). Now, I'm far more interested in entering and exiting the postures correctly and safely. Thirty classes in and I'm seeing true results. 

Example: In Hands-to-Feet, I almost got my hands behind my heels on Friday morning. Actually I did get my hands in the right place for just half a second (just long enough to have one of those 'I am a yogi!' moments. Now, I don't sit out Triangle nearly as often, and if I fall out, I try to get back in a lot more often. My practice has become more meaningful to me. 

3) ALWAYS HAVE A SPARE COSTUME!

Somewhere around class 15 or 16, I had one of those "Oh No" moments. We had just finished Standing Head-to-Knee and I was adjusting my shorts (simple drawstring gym/basketball shorts) when I heard a worrying "SNAP" and felt my shorts go slack. 

"Uh-oh. Please, God, no."

I tugged at the waist and surprisingly, the was resistance. I figured that if I kept REALLY STILL and could get through Standing Bow without incident, I would continue.  I did, and I did, and once we got to the floor, I had no worries. Turns out that the string had held by one single strand. Now, there is always a backup pair of shorts in my bag!

4) You find support where you did not expect. 

As more of my fellow students and instructors have learned of my challenge, the response has been so positive I just can't believe it. When I walk in the studio or the locker room, people say:

"What day are you on?"

"You doing OK?"

"That is great! Keep going!"

The support really helps. 

Your challenge can, in turn, inspire others. For example, my work study partner showed up unexpectedly on Thursday for my 30th class. She had previously said she couldn't make it. When I asked her what changed, she replied simply:

"You encouraged me."

By the way, if you recall, she had to start her challenge eight days after me because of illness. She is somewhere in the mid20s and catching up. More inspiration!!

So there we are. A quiet Saturday evening has passed into a brilliant Sunday morning. Back at it today, then another tough stretch from Monday to Wednesday: three work shifts, two cleaning shifts, and another 5:30AM class on Tuesday as I'm on assignment again with another long commute. In addition, there will be three, maybe four more doubles before this challenge concludes because of my work schedule. As I recall from my previous challenges, classes 30 through 50 were really tough. You're deep into this thing, and there seems to be no end; no light at the end of the tunnel.

Yet. 

Just need to focus on the next class.

The next posture.

The next breath. 

Have a great week!!!

Namaste. 

From Thirty to Sixty

That day off I spoke of at the end of the last post turned into two days off. Although it has been one year since I quit smoking, the asthma associated with it flares up every so often. Sunday was one of those days. After cleaning house in the morning I started wheezing badly, so it was off to bed with my inhaler. I didn't sleep well, and was exhausted on Monday. My class on Monday was a wreck. No strength. No balance. No will. No confidence. I hit the floor after Standing Bow and stayed there. Thought a lot about abandoning the challenge. Thought (again) about giving up my practice. Thought about how I do not belong in a yoga studio and how fat and flabby I am. Thought about emotional eating (since I had left my wallet at home that morning I was starving and slammed down a HUGE fast food burrito when I got home). Very negative evening. The best part came after class: I had a work study partner and I didn't have to work alone. That was a blessing. 

Tuesday dawned with much improved breathing but my lungs hurt a lot. I didn't get a lot of sleep and I was really out of it. However, as the day wore on I started to feel stronger and breathing was easier. By the time I got home from work I was thinking that it was going to be a good night. The class started out great, but by Triangle I sitting down again. I did attempt the Spine Strengthening poses but there wasn't much oomph behind them. Once again I was gassed. This time, though, I took it in stride. I didn't beat myself up. I accepted it and moved on. 

The next couple of classes were pretty much the same until this past Sunday (26th). After two poses, back spasms popped up and I left the room and went home. Monday's class was much better, and last night I did a double to make up for Sunday's class. The heat was lower but the humidity was higher. I was drenched five minutes into each class but felt pretty strong. 

So, with the halfway point coming up (oh, did I not mention? I decided to stretch this challenge to SIXTY days!), I have a single class tonight, then a double again tomorrow to make 30 classes in 30 days. Feeling good, but from past experience I know the next 15-20 days will be a grind. I'm ready. I think. 

Namaste. 

Thursday Musings

Well, no double today. A long night at work left my back and shoulders in knots. Mix in a cool, rainy morning and it was just too easy to stay in bed. However, I am going to the evening session and -- best of all -- my sweetie will be there for the first time since hurting her back. Looking very much forward to tonight's class!

Out in Los Angeles, over 400 people are becoming certified Bikram instructors at the Spring Teacher Training meeting. I have been searching for any blogs from students and I have found a couple of them that seem promising. After a little more research, I'll post my favorites. In our Tuesday night class, it was learned that one of the students has a friend at training. She said that Bikram himself taught class the previous day. It lasted 2 hours and 15 minutes at 140 degrees!!!! Incredible!! I hope to hear more tales from LA! 

Speaking of Teacher Training (TT), I have, from time to time, wondered aloud if I could get through that 9 week torture test. I keep coming back to the same thought: regardless if I became certified or not, it would be worth the time and cost just to go through the process. To simply be a part of such a large group of people all bent on the same thing would be a privilege in itself....

I could type for another hour but there are other things in life besides yoga. Like laundry. Grocery shopping. Hydrating for class. Wow.. four classes in one week? Pinch me!!!

Peace.