Undone.

Ok.

I give up.

I know when I’m beaten.

I get it, already.

No Bikram since November.

One solitary Baptiste class since then.

Every time I think that I’ll be able to resume my practice, SOMETHING happens.

I can’t get all my ducks in a row.

I can’t get all the lights to turn green.

I have almost completely returned to the person I was before discovering yoga in general, and Bikram in particular.

I’m smoking. Half a pack some days. I went five months and one day without. Then, I picked them back up without batting an eye.

I eat junk. Burgers, doughnuts, chips, junk upon junk upon crap. While I’m not yet back to 285 lbs, I’m definitely getting closer. And closer.

I’m not drinking too much soda (yet), but I mainline coffee… with lots of French Vanilla creamer.

Sleep brings no rest, no dreams, no energy. The ringing alarm clock is both blessing and curse.

I find it difficult to concentrate on anything. I try to read an article or a book. I try to write. I used to think I really had something to give or share. Now, I just don’t know.

I kept telling myself that if I could just hang on, or if I just worked a little harder or longer, things would get better. I would find a way back to that place. I would walk back into that chamber and sweat and pull and stretch and BREATHE. I would feel alive and healthy again. I would work toward that goal of being the best possible me I could be.

Now?

I’m irritable. Upset. Angry. Everything is suffering: my body, my work, my relationships, my being. It’s as if I had never heard of yoga. There just doesn’t seem to be a way to get back in the room from here. For now, there are just too many obstacles to hurdle.

I was never really a yogi in training, was I? I was  just a “wannabe” yogi.

I walked into work the other day, realized the futility of it all, and began to cry. Not sniffle. Not weep. I cried. (Fortunately, since I get there earlier than most, no one saw me.)

It was just a passing fancy, this idea of me practicing yoga. A summer romance.  A one act play.

I had hopes for this week. I might, at least, get an introductory 10-class card at Indigo. It will not happen – save for a miracle of some sort. I tried to practice here at home, but it was laughable (plus I just can’t get a room that warm without causing a problem). I can’t see getting back to Bikram anytime soon either. I was always hopeful that this hiatus would be short and painless. Now, I don’t know when, if ever, I’ll get back.  To be honest, I'm beginning to think it will not happen.

Yoga still fascinates – and scares – me. I still read lots of blogs. I still believe in the power and beauty of yoga. My dream of going to training is still on my bucket list. I see and read about people who are changing their lives with the help of yoga -- and I want desperately to change mine.  I am was a (small) part of an ever growing online community of yogis trying to grow and share and make this planet just a little bit better.

I’m frustrated.

I’m tired.

I’m sick of writing about NOT practicing. 

I'm sick of being who I am.

I'm sick of having empty hopes for change.

I’ve come undone.

" Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time.
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over,
Thought I'd something more to say."

                                                 "Time" by Pink Floyd from Dark Side of the Moon

                                    

Peace.

If you're going to Teacher Training...

I have three very good blogs for you to read:

From Spring 2011:


FROM THE HOT ROOM

Transformations

From Spring 2008:

Bikram TT: February 2008  (this one has the most day-to-day entries)

Enjoy!!

H2O

It was a beautiful morning here in North Texas. Not a cloud in the sky, light breeze, temperature in the high 50's (13-15C).  I mention this because it will probably be the last really cool morning around here for a while. Like, until October. The weather is warming; summer is on the way, and proper hydration becomes even more important - Bikram or no Bikram.

Before I started practicing this yoga, I lived mainly on sodas, coffee, and energy drinks. Water was rarely consumed in its pure form. When I started my practice in April 2009, that lack of water became painfully evident in a very short time. I started by drinking two or three liters of water each day.

Not enough. So, I would drink four liters per day.

Still not enough. Some days, five liters wasn't enough. For the first week of my first Challenge, I was downing almost SIX liters of water each day. I drank so much water I thought I would drown. A few days later I actually had to leave class to use the facilities, something that never happened before. After that class, my instructor said, "Your body is now properly hydrated. You can back off a bit now and see just how much water you need."

Now I'm not going to bore anyone with how to figure out your proper water intake -- you can find that anywhere, or ask your physician or dietician. However, I am curious about a couple of things:

* How much water do you take into the room? For me, it is a one liter bottle. For some, I see half-liter bottles, or those big mugs that keep their ice water cold.

* Is it cool, cold, or frozen? During the cooler months, I have been able to simply wrap my bottle in my hand towel to keep it cool enough throughout class. Today, however, I have resumed the ritual of freezing my water bottle. About 90 minutes before class, I take it out, wrap it in my towel, and throw it in my bag. By Eagle pose, it has melted enough for me to drink some. Now, I understand that this is a controversial practice for some: that having that frozen bottle is a distraction or a crutch. However, when the thermometer is nearing triple digits outside, the chamber becomes even hotter and just being able to clutch that icy cold bottle allows me to stay in that cauldron.

* Special to those who have gone through (or are working their way through) teacher training: How much more fluid do you consume during training versus at home in your regular practice?

* Finally, it has been difficult for me to drink enough water during the winter months simply because I rarely feel thirsty when I'm cold (plus the coffee is SOOOOOO good on a cold day). This week, I have met my four liter goal on three out of five days. Small wonder that my last two classes have been much better than the past month! Does anyone else have this problem? How do you combat it?

********************************

As I mentioned, my last two classes have been pretty decent. My current favorite posture is Eagle -- I am able to hook my foot around my leg more and more and I am beginning to really feel things open up. My least favorite (aside from Triangle)? Awkward, 2nd part. I just cannot get up on my toes and stay there, and I'm not sure whether I'm supposed to stand on the balls of my feet, or all the way up on my toes. I must ask tonight. As for Triangle, I know I'm not taking a wide enough step to start, which makes it even more difficult. Slowly, but surely, I am trying. I think the biggest change over the last two classes is that I'm NOT THINKING. I was just listening and trying to match my body to the words -- I was amazed at how fast the Standing Series went by....

Finally, I am rethinking this 200 class "goal". I have found that I think about that number too much. When I miss a day, I get upset because the math gets tougher -- you know: 150 classes with 185 days to go. Just adds pressure that I don't need -- and does nothing but interfere with my practice AND my life outside the room. I will still go as much as I can, but I'm not going to go insane if I don't get to that number.

No judgements, no expectations.

Time to get set for class. Hope you have a great class!!

Peace.


50.

Lazy Sunday

May Day in Texas. Usually, that means sunny skies and warm temperatures. Not so, this year, however. Gray, rainy skies with thunderstorms in the vicinity, and it's in the 40's!!! This made for a very lazy, quiet day in our home. Sleeping in was very easy with the dark gray clouds. Yoga was considered for the briefest of moments. Instead, sleeping, napping, movies, and sports have been the order of the day. With our hectic schedules, classes have been once again few and far between. However, there have been a couple of triumphs.

First was the fact that my sweetie got back into the room after that nasty fall on the stairs. She was welcomed back by a number of people at the studio, which I think shocked her a bit. She has had to take it slowly but she is doing well. I AM SO PROUD OF HER!!!!

Secondly, I was actually able to string 5 classes together the week before last. (Only two this past week, however...) Anyway during last Tuesday's class, two things happened. In Hands-to-Feet (first set). as I was pulling on my heels, my spine popped. It felt like a new vertebrae had appeared from nowhere and popped into place. It seemed so loud that I was sure everyone else in the room heard it. It made my a bit dizzy, so that I lost that all important grip on my heels -- I almost catapulted myself off my mat.

The second surprise came in Triangle -- one of the most difficult poses for me. I actually made it through BOTH SETS!! I didn't fall out and I didn't sit out -- they weren't pretty but they were triangles!! After that, I breezed through the rest of class. I did sit out a couple of times but I didn't berate myself for it -- I simply tried to enjoy it. I should have gone back in today, but sometimes rest is best. Plus, my allergies are driving me insane -- breathing would have been really hard. Planning on getting back in tomorrow.

So, my count now stands at 39 classes for the year. With my goal set at 200, that means I need to attend 161 more classes in 244 days. I am nowhere near giving up on my goal but I just hope life slows down a tick or two so I can really put some classes together. It may take doing my own 30 or 45 day challenge to get me to my goal. There is still time....

Speaking of challenges, there is a newspaper reporter in San Antonio, Dennis Ayotte, Jr.,  who has taken up a 60 day Bikram Challenge and is writing about it. Follow Dennis' journey here.

Along with that, it is now Week Three of Teacher Training in Los Angeles. Those 400+ people are almost a third of the way home already. I have found several cool blogs to keep up with:


From The Hot Room.

onceuponayogi.

The Grateful Yogini.

Thursday Musings

Well, no double today. A long night at work left my back and shoulders in knots. Mix in a cool, rainy morning and it was just too easy to stay in bed. However, I am going to the evening session and -- best of all -- my sweetie will be there for the first time since hurting her back. Looking very much forward to tonight's class!

Out in Los Angeles, over 400 people are becoming certified Bikram instructors at the Spring Teacher Training meeting. I have been searching for any blogs from students and I have found a couple of them that seem promising. After a little more research, I'll post my favorites. In our Tuesday night class, it was learned that one of the students has a friend at training. She said that Bikram himself taught class the previous day. It lasted 2 hours and 15 minutes at 140 degrees!!!! Incredible!! I hope to hear more tales from LA! 

Speaking of Teacher Training (TT), I have, from time to time, wondered aloud if I could get through that 9 week torture test. I keep coming back to the same thought: regardless if I became certified or not, it would be worth the time and cost just to go through the process. To simply be a part of such a large group of people all bent on the same thing would be a privilege in itself....

I could type for another hour but there are other things in life besides yoga. Like laundry. Grocery shopping. Hydrating for class. Wow.. four classes in one week? Pinch me!!!

Peace.