Well, so much for being positive....

Yesterday, I wrote about trying to keep the proper perspective in class... about how I usually decide how my class will go by balancing stick and how last night I was going in with the expressed intention of keeping a positive frame of mind throughout the class.

So, just how did that little experiment go?

I left the room at Fixed-Firm and did not return.

Class started off really well. I was able to keep my stomach in all the way through both sets of breathing. I worked really hard to keep my arms locked out in Half-Moon, and it went great! Awkward was, well, as awkward as usual, but I actually felt good about that, too. In Eagle, I actually got each foot hooked around the leg in both sets. All in all, the opening set went really well, and I was beginning to think, "Hey, I'm doing pretty well here -- keep it going!!" Even in Standing Head to Knee, I felt pretty good about myself. Although I have never been able kick out, I was working hard to keep my knees locked -- harder than normal. I did fall out near the end of each phase, but I kept my balance longer than normal.

Then, things began to go downhill. It started slowly, but soon turned into a veritable nosedive.

The first set of Standing Bow was OK, but lost all balance in the second set. In Balancing Stick, I was leaning one way, then another, then coming out early. In Standing Separate Leg Stretching, I purposely tried to take a wider stance in the second set, and that tightness in my hips came back with a vengeance. This is where I fell off the cliff. Triangle was a complete failure -- when trying to lunge forward on my right side, it felt like my body would tear itself in two as one might tear a piece of paper in half. Sat down, no second set. In first set of SSL Head to Knee, I fell out as soon as I tried to bend forward. No second set. Tree was difficult, and when I hit the ground trying to do Toe Stand, I sat out the second set. Wind Removing was OK, but the Spine Strengthening was laughable -- it just hurt to do Cobra or Locust or Full Locust. After first set of Fixed-Firm, I was done. My mindset went from, "Hey, maybe I'm on to something here." to "I am positive of one thing and one thing only. I'm leaving."

I spent the rest of the evening in a funk. Memories of goals never attained, of things left undone, of being afraid of trying ANYTHING new danced around my brain. That was one of the reasons I took up Bikram... it was something new and different... something I might actually be able to be PROFICIENT at. I'm not looking to become a world-renowned yogi or anything, I just want to be able to do the class and enjoy the learning process.  Why did I leave? What does everyone else know that I don't? How do they manage to stay in that oven while I bail out? What am I missing?

 41 classes down, 159 to go.

Peace.