Vacation is coming to an end. In a few hours, it's back to the mind numbing, day to day grind. My goal for these eight days was to attend nine classes. Naturally this meant that somewhere I'd have to do a double.
I've taken two classes in a day before but never the true, back to back double. So, after yesterday's class (which was quite strong), I made sure to drink at least 5 liters of water (with a little coffee thrown in at breakfast) and stretch throughout the day. Cleaning house and doing more loads of laundry than I can count kept me moving and my body loose. A good night's sleep and there I was at 7:35 this morning to take the 8 and 10AM classes.
The only word that comes to mind is AMAZING.
Knowing that there was three full hours of yoga ahead of me, I knew I had to keep some energy in reserve. So, for the first class, I took it slowly. In each posture, I didn't go to my edge where I might fall out, but just short. I figure I was going 80-90% into the posture -- where I could feel the stretches and compressions while keeping my breathing under control.
You know in the dialogue where they say, "The slower you go, the better you do..."?
They (yet again) are correct!
My floor series in the first class was so much better than normal!! I did all the postures -- even gave it full effort in both sets of Rabbit, which isn't normal at all. Overall, the first class was quite the success. After a pint of coconut water and a costume change, I was ready for class number two. As an added challenge, I moved from my comfortable spot on the right side of the room all the way across to the far left side (got to beware of attachments, you know).
Quite simply, my second class was phenomenal.
The warm-up was actually quite difficult. Half-moon was harder the second time, as was Awkward. After that, things went more easily. In Eagle, I got each foot behind the leg and held it for almost the entire time! Then, after Party Time, the miracle happened. I was able to actually lock the knee and kick out the leg in Standing Head-to-Knee. In both sets!!! Couldn't kick out straight, and couldn't stay there long, but I finally got there!! I was amazed and pretty damn proud of that! The rest of the Standing series was a blur. Took a knee twice but I was just so happy about such a huge improvement in SH2K. Even took a crack at Toestand, which I used to love but a balky right knee has made very difficult.
The floor series was harder but I actually went further in most of the postures than I have in a long time! My spine-strengthening set was so much better! After that I started to falter, but fortunately I was surrounded by three ladies and a gentleman who, by simply continuing to do posture after posture, kept me focused and energized. Each time I thought about taking a set off, they would all rise as one. I just wasn't going to try a double and lay out the final 25 minutes. With their silent assistance, I did every posture and made it through. My post-class mineral water has rarely tasted so good.
Overall, since the first class was a warmup, I was so much more flexible for the second. Therefore, instead of using my strength to find flexibility, I was (for once) using my flexibility to gain strength. In addition, my mind was more clear in the second class. There was less mental resistance, less "monkey mind", and more surrendering to the moment. It really was just a matter of listening intently and moving and breathing. Finally, the second class seemed to fly by. It was hard to believe I has just finished two back to back classes, let alone survived them so well!!
It can't be done all the time, but if you can invest a full morning or afternoon I hope you try to do a double. Your body, your mind, and your practice will thank you.
Namaste.
30 March 2014
26 March 2014
Lessons Old, Lessons New
Last night's class was one of those "really tough but really good" classes. I kept my focus, I worked hard, and...
I ACTUALLY COMPLETED BOTH SETS OF TRIANGLE WITHOUT FALLING OVER!!
It took a little longer to clean the studio because of my foggy "yoga brain" but that was ok.
Anyhow, since resuming my practice, I've been reminded of a lot of things to help me through the class -- and learned a couple of new ones (at least to me):
Your Pranayama and Half-Moon determine how the rest of your class will go. One of my first instructors told me this, and his words still ring true. In those classes where I am unfocused with my breathing, or where I just "hang out" in Half-Moon, I tend to have classes where I am not really into it, where I take a knee a lot, where I let my mind convince me that, "We really shouldn't be here". However, if I really focus on my Pranayama (knees locked, glutes engaged, shoulders down, chest lifted up), I am set for a much better class. In Half-Moon, if I really PUSH my hips out and think about trying to pull my top arm toward the back corner of the room, my posture is really strong, and the rest of the Standing Series goes better. I don't slack off or take a knee nearly as much.
HYDRATE. HYDRATE, HYDRATE!!! Seems like old hat for those of us who have practiced for any length of time, but it still bears mentioning. For me, that means cutting my coffee intake to just 1-2 cups a day, and no alcohol. the rest of the time it is either water or mineral water. Sometimes after class though I will have a small glass of soda as a small treat. How do I know if I've hydrated properly? If I can go through class and sip water 0-3 times it's good (yes, sometimes I never open the bottle during a class -- YOUR BODY IS DIFFERENT -- OBSERVE AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR SELF!).
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!! Yes, I know I just said that. But after seeing a woman faint as she left the room (she was ok), it must be said. If you need a break during the standing series, take a knee or sit down but keep your head above your heart. During the floor series, simply go back to Savasana. Let your body tell you what it needs. Sometime it is necessary to leave (I had to bail last night to retrieve my inhaler) -- just ask yourself if you really need to leave the room. The instructor can take better care of you in the room.
Now for a couple of posture tips I picked up this morning:
Balancing Stick: Work to keep your hips level and do what they say: Contract every muscle.
Wind Removing: Work to keep your heel, knee, and shoulder all in one line when doing each leg separately.
Cobra: During setup, the top of each shoulder should be directly over the top of your middle finger.
Half-Tortoise: Along with holding in your stomach, activate your inner thighs and squeeze your legs together to help stabilize your core as you come into and out of the posture. This was the biggest surprise for me today -- I always have to push myself up part of the way with my hands to get back up.
Hope you find your way to your mat today!!!
PS: As for the nine class in eight challenge, still on schedule -- four in four.
Namaste.
I ACTUALLY COMPLETED BOTH SETS OF TRIANGLE WITHOUT FALLING OVER!!
It took a little longer to clean the studio because of my foggy "yoga brain" but that was ok.
Anyhow, since resuming my practice, I've been reminded of a lot of things to help me through the class -- and learned a couple of new ones (at least to me):
Your Pranayama and Half-Moon determine how the rest of your class will go. One of my first instructors told me this, and his words still ring true. In those classes where I am unfocused with my breathing, or where I just "hang out" in Half-Moon, I tend to have classes where I am not really into it, where I take a knee a lot, where I let my mind convince me that, "We really shouldn't be here". However, if I really focus on my Pranayama (knees locked, glutes engaged, shoulders down, chest lifted up), I am set for a much better class. In Half-Moon, if I really PUSH my hips out and think about trying to pull my top arm toward the back corner of the room, my posture is really strong, and the rest of the Standing Series goes better. I don't slack off or take a knee nearly as much.
HYDRATE. HYDRATE, HYDRATE!!! Seems like old hat for those of us who have practiced for any length of time, but it still bears mentioning. For me, that means cutting my coffee intake to just 1-2 cups a day, and no alcohol. the rest of the time it is either water or mineral water. Sometimes after class though I will have a small glass of soda as a small treat. How do I know if I've hydrated properly? If I can go through class and sip water 0-3 times it's good (yes, sometimes I never open the bottle during a class -- YOUR BODY IS DIFFERENT -- OBSERVE AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR SELF!).
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!! Yes, I know I just said that. But after seeing a woman faint as she left the room (she was ok), it must be said. If you need a break during the standing series, take a knee or sit down but keep your head above your heart. During the floor series, simply go back to Savasana. Let your body tell you what it needs. Sometime it is necessary to leave (I had to bail last night to retrieve my inhaler) -- just ask yourself if you really need to leave the room. The instructor can take better care of you in the room.
Now for a couple of posture tips I picked up this morning:
Balancing Stick: Work to keep your hips level and do what they say: Contract every muscle.
Wind Removing: Work to keep your heel, knee, and shoulder all in one line when doing each leg separately.
Cobra: During setup, the top of each shoulder should be directly over the top of your middle finger.
Half-Tortoise: Along with holding in your stomach, activate your inner thighs and squeeze your legs together to help stabilize your core as you come into and out of the posture. This was the biggest surprise for me today -- I always have to push myself up part of the way with my hands to get back up.
Hope you find your way to your mat today!!!
PS: As for the nine class in eight challenge, still on schedule -- four in four.
Namaste.
25 March 2014
Twenty classes later...
Hello again!
Tonight will mark the 21st class since returning to my Bikram yoga practice 45 days ago.
What have I learned?
1) I still love it! -- I just feel so grateful to be able to practice on a regular basis. To see old friends, to make new friends; to meet, take class from, and learn from new instructors -- it has just been amazing.
2) I have far to go... just to get back to the level I was at when I had to stop practicing. However, that is OK, because...
3) I understand more -- Since I already know the sequence of postures and how hot the room can get, there was less fear or apprehension at actually performing the postures. My only fear was that I would simply be unable to do a lot to begin with. Further, because I already know what to expect...
4) Things are "clicking " faster -- especially over the last 10 days or so. Last Thursday was the best class I've had since returning. My focus was really good, and I began to do more of the postures for longer. The first set of Standing Bow that night ranked right up there with the best I've ever done!
5) While some things are different -- Most of the instructors stick to the dialogue exclusively, and I think there have been a few tweaks to the dialogue. The more senior instructors do include tips and "mind-vitamins" for you to think about. Also, I think there is more attention is paid to making sure we get into the postures correctly -- "The setup determines the posture."
6) Some things remain the same -- What can I say? Triangle Pose is still a bitch. However, I must say that in the last week it has gotten better. I still fall out on almost every set, but I'm getting stronger little by little. Same thing happens in the next posture (Separate Leg Forehead to Knee).
7) Any posture in which I must tuck my chin to my chest is agony -- Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee, Rabbit, and Head to Knee w/ Stretching -- these just suck. I think it's because of the bronchitis that sent me to hospital last year, but anytime I do those poses I automatically feel like I'm not going to be able to breathe and I begin to panic and come up for air. This will take a lot more focus and discipline on my part.
8) I used to love the Spine Strengthening Series -- now it gives me fits. Especially in Locust. Before the hiatus I was doing a reasonable Locust. Now, I can barely get one leg up let alone both. Then in Fixed-Firm, my hips have closed so much I cannot sit myself down on the floor. Soon, though. Soon.
9) Camel makes me feel really weird -- The fact that I can do Camel at all so quickly is mind-boggling. However, I feel really strange once I come out. You always hear how "things will come up... or out" in Camel, but it never happened to me previously -- or perhaps I simply wasn't aware of it. I don't feel ill when I come up and out of the posture, just "disconnected" for a few seconds. Or perhaps I feel "more" connected. I don't fear it, but I need to try and understand it.
And finally...
10) IT STILL WORKS!! -- Yes, the yoga still works. Question the man who put it together on many counts, but don't question the yoga. I feel better. I'm eating better. I'm learning (and re-learning) more about myself. I love it!!
Thanks for stopping by... leave a comment if you have been moved... would love to hear from you!!
Namaste.
PS: While on vacation this week, trying to go to nine classes in eight days... I'll let you know how it turns out.
Tonight will mark the 21st class since returning to my Bikram yoga practice 45 days ago.
What have I learned?
1) I still love it! -- I just feel so grateful to be able to practice on a regular basis. To see old friends, to make new friends; to meet, take class from, and learn from new instructors -- it has just been amazing.
2) I have far to go... just to get back to the level I was at when I had to stop practicing. However, that is OK, because...
3) I understand more -- Since I already know the sequence of postures and how hot the room can get, there was less fear or apprehension at actually performing the postures. My only fear was that I would simply be unable to do a lot to begin with. Further, because I already know what to expect...
4) Things are "clicking " faster -- especially over the last 10 days or so. Last Thursday was the best class I've had since returning. My focus was really good, and I began to do more of the postures for longer. The first set of Standing Bow that night ranked right up there with the best I've ever done!
5) While some things are different -- Most of the instructors stick to the dialogue exclusively, and I think there have been a few tweaks to the dialogue. The more senior instructors do include tips and "mind-vitamins" for you to think about. Also, I think there is more attention is paid to making sure we get into the postures correctly -- "The setup determines the posture."
6) Some things remain the same -- What can I say? Triangle Pose is still a bitch. However, I must say that in the last week it has gotten better. I still fall out on almost every set, but I'm getting stronger little by little. Same thing happens in the next posture (Separate Leg Forehead to Knee).
7) Any posture in which I must tuck my chin to my chest is agony -- Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee, Rabbit, and Head to Knee w/ Stretching -- these just suck. I think it's because of the bronchitis that sent me to hospital last year, but anytime I do those poses I automatically feel like I'm not going to be able to breathe and I begin to panic and come up for air. This will take a lot more focus and discipline on my part.
8) I used to love the Spine Strengthening Series -- now it gives me fits. Especially in Locust. Before the hiatus I was doing a reasonable Locust. Now, I can barely get one leg up let alone both. Then in Fixed-Firm, my hips have closed so much I cannot sit myself down on the floor. Soon, though. Soon.
9) Camel makes me feel really weird -- The fact that I can do Camel at all so quickly is mind-boggling. However, I feel really strange once I come out. You always hear how "things will come up... or out" in Camel, but it never happened to me previously -- or perhaps I simply wasn't aware of it. I don't feel ill when I come up and out of the posture, just "disconnected" for a few seconds. Or perhaps I feel "more" connected. I don't fear it, but I need to try and understand it.
And finally...
10) IT STILL WORKS!! -- Yes, the yoga still works. Question the man who put it together on many counts, but don't question the yoga. I feel better. I'm eating better. I'm learning (and re-learning) more about myself. I love it!!
Thanks for stopping by... leave a comment if you have been moved... would love to hear from you!!
Namaste.
PS: While on vacation this week, trying to go to nine classes in eight days... I'll let you know how it turns out.
27 February 2014
Trying to get back in the flow....
Tonight marks my 8th class since returning to practice almost three weeks ago. I'm still trying to find a schedule that works so I can attend more classes, and I'm still trying to get comfortable again in the room. My classes are really inconsistent -- one class feels pretty good, the next I am down for the count at Locust pose. One night my Standing Bow is almost passable, the next I cannot even get into it. That will improve with time... Patience is the keyword here.
I am finding that one of the things I have missed is the little bits of knowledge or the stories that our instructors pass along during Savasana. To wit:
Why must we lock the knee?
Large supports small. Strong supports weak. When you lock the knee you use the large muscles of your leg to create a strong base. When you attempt to support large with small, you will injure yourself.
Why is water the best liquid to hydrate with? Why not load up on sports drinks?
Yoiur body's ideal pH is somewhere around 7.3. Pure water has a pH of 7 -- your body assimilates it very quickly. Drinks like Gatorade are very acidic with an average pH of 2.7 - 3.3 . So if you chug a bunch of it before class, your body is not only working to keep itself cool, it is also attempting to make itself less acidic. This will impact your experience in the room in a negative way.
When is the best time to hydrate? (This one made me think.)
While it is necessary to hydrate throughout the day, the best time is before you go to bed. All day long you are moving, working your muscles for hours on end. When you sleep, your muscles are relaxed, allowing the water you drink to work its way back into them. Yes, you might have to get up in the middle of the night, but you will feel much better the next day -- and during your next class.
Finally, the best thing I've heard in class so far:
Every person has three gifts:
Your smile
Your compassion
Your love
Share these gifts every day!!
Namaste.
***NOTE: I'm neither a doctor nor a chemist. While I did research these figures, I cannot guarantee their veracity. DO NOT take them as gospel.***
I am finding that one of the things I have missed is the little bits of knowledge or the stories that our instructors pass along during Savasana. To wit:
Why must we lock the knee?
Large supports small. Strong supports weak. When you lock the knee you use the large muscles of your leg to create a strong base. When you attempt to support large with small, you will injure yourself.
Why is water the best liquid to hydrate with? Why not load up on sports drinks?
Yoiur body's ideal pH is somewhere around 7.3. Pure water has a pH of 7 -- your body assimilates it very quickly. Drinks like Gatorade are very acidic with an average pH of 2.7 - 3.3 . So if you chug a bunch of it before class, your body is not only working to keep itself cool, it is also attempting to make itself less acidic. This will impact your experience in the room in a negative way.
When is the best time to hydrate? (This one made me think.)
While it is necessary to hydrate throughout the day, the best time is before you go to bed. All day long you are moving, working your muscles for hours on end. When you sleep, your muscles are relaxed, allowing the water you drink to work its way back into them. Yes, you might have to get up in the middle of the night, but you will feel much better the next day -- and during your next class.
Finally, the best thing I've heard in class so far:
Every person has three gifts:
Your smile
Your compassion
Your love
Share these gifts every day!!
Namaste.
***NOTE: I'm neither a doctor nor a chemist. While I did research these figures, I cannot guarantee their veracity. DO NOT take them as gospel.***
16 February 2014
This will (eventually) be fun!!
I'm back in the club!!
So, one week and three classes down... what have I learned?
That I am truly thankful to be back.
That it is wonderful to see old faces and meet new ones.
That I have a long journey ahead of me just to get back to where I had progressed before.
Last Sunday was my first class back. I was happy to be there and that energy carried me through. I didn't push too hard. I attempted all the postures. I learned just how much ground I've lost ( I couldn't get my hands to my heels in Hands to Feet... I couldn't even begin to do Camel -- I was able to bend back only slightly). I wasn't worried. Like I said, I was simply happy to be there.
Tuesday was... Let's just say that I got run over by the Yoga Train (not just a truck or a bus, a train). It was my first day of work-study, so I was up at 5AM to go to work, home by 3. Tried to take a nap but wasn't successful. So, when I got to class at 8:15PM, I was pretty knackered. I got as far as Triangle, then I hit the deck. Tried to do Cobra, but couldn't get off the ground. I stayed in Savasana until Rabbit, when I waved the white flag and left the room. Felt queasy but recovered to do my cleaning shift.
Thursday was better. I was able to get some rest and so class went MUCH better! Still fell out a lot but I made it through and had energy at the end of class. AND I was actually to do a complete Camel!!
All in all, a week of re-discovery. The picture of my practice is becoming more defined. There is a long way to go. I have to get rid of this gut so I can do forward bends without gasping for air. I have to work through the pain in my elbows when doing Locust. And there is so much more.
I don't care. I'm back in the club. Next class starts in two hours. I'm there.
Wherever you are, whatever type of yoga you practice, I hope you make it to your mat today!!
Namaste.
08 February 2014
Nerves
It's the night before I start again.
Tomorrow, I plan to be back in the hot room and starting back down the path of a regular Bikram yoga practice.
I'm nervous, to say the least. It's been 27 months since I had a regular practice. I've taken some classes here and there but my life has been largely void of yoga, or anything fitness related, in some time.
Stopped by the clinic and had my weight and blood pressure checked (253 and 126/84). BP is good and, surprisingly, I weigh less now than when I was first introduced to yoga. Still, long way to go.
I know I can do this.
I will persevere. I will work and stretch and breathe. I will succeed.
After a long detour, I'm back on the road.
If you're interested, follow along with me. Find your own mat. Get back on it. We can do it together.
Ready?
Begin.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
There is one thing I am sure of. Tomorrow, I will take class with a heavy heart. One of my first Bikram instructors passed away a few days ago. She taught some of the toughest classes I've ever taken (she held poses seemingly forever at times, and would turn the fans off at the start of class so things would get extra juicy). She also loved to play her guitar and sing and had a great laugh. She left us far too soon, and I will be thinking of her while in class.
Namaste.
Tomorrow, I plan to be back in the hot room and starting back down the path of a regular Bikram yoga practice.
I'm nervous, to say the least. It's been 27 months since I had a regular practice. I've taken some classes here and there but my life has been largely void of yoga, or anything fitness related, in some time.
Stopped by the clinic and had my weight and blood pressure checked (253 and 126/84). BP is good and, surprisingly, I weigh less now than when I was first introduced to yoga. Still, long way to go.
I know I can do this.
I will persevere. I will work and stretch and breathe. I will succeed.
After a long detour, I'm back on the road.
If you're interested, follow along with me. Find your own mat. Get back on it. We can do it together.
Ready?
Begin.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
There is one thing I am sure of. Tomorrow, I will take class with a heavy heart. One of my first Bikram instructors passed away a few days ago. She taught some of the toughest classes I've ever taken (she held poses seemingly forever at times, and would turn the fans off at the start of class so things would get extra juicy). She also loved to play her guitar and sing and had a great laugh. She left us far too soon, and I will be thinking of her while in class.
Namaste.
04 February 2014
You just never know...
You just never know...
Hello again! Once again, long time, no write (but that will soon change....).
A couple of anecdotes before the big news:
Way back when (when I was actually practicing regularly), one of my regular customers had commented on how much weight I had lost and asked how I had accomplished it. When I explained about Bikram yoga, she remarked that she wasn't sure if she could do hot yoga, but the idea of doing yoga in some form seemed interesting to her.
Fast forward to this past October. I see her in the store. She is in workout gear and looks like she has just finished up at the fitness club. I inquired as to what she had been up to.
"Just finished yoga!", she said.
"That's great!", I replied. "What type?"
"The bendy, stretchy type."
I laughed out loud at this. Then she asked if I was still practicing. I had to say, "No. Not for a while now."
"You need to go back. I was inspired by you. You can't let yourself stop now."
I was stunned. I managed to stammer a thank you and she went on her way.
You just never know who will hear your story and try something new for themselves.
*** *** *** *** *** ***
Things have been extra stressful at work. Holidays, inclement weather, and a new competitor down the street have put the microscope on myself and my co-workers. One day not too long ago, one of my compatriots pulled me aside to vent on a few things. After listening to her I offered a way to take five minutes and calm herself down:
"Heels and toes together. Interlock your fingers..." I walked her through Pranayama breathing (at least, as well as I could remember). We did five breaths together and she wondered at how GOOD it felt. She walked away smiling and able to return to the task at hand.
You just never know when you can use the smallest bit of knowledge to help someone in need...
*** *** *** *** *** ***
I was checking Facebook yesterday. There was a post from my old Bikram studio looking for people willing to clean the studio in exchange for free yoga.
Work-study is back!!!
I sent off an e-mail immediately. This afternoon I got the phone call.
I AM BACK!!!
I will work my first shift next week, but I can begin practicing immediately. First, though, I need to step up my hydration and be prepared for class. Physically, I've regressed to the point I was at when I took my first ever class. At 46, I'm a little worried I won't be able to get back to where I had progressed before. At least this time, I know what I'm in for.
You just never know when that second chance will appear. Don't let it slip by...
I am so excited about this!!
For the first time in FOREVER, I get to write about a real yoga practice. MY practice.
I can't wait!!!
Namaste.
Hello again! Once again, long time, no write (but that will soon change....).
A couple of anecdotes before the big news:
Way back when (when I was actually practicing regularly), one of my regular customers had commented on how much weight I had lost and asked how I had accomplished it. When I explained about Bikram yoga, she remarked that she wasn't sure if she could do hot yoga, but the idea of doing yoga in some form seemed interesting to her.
Fast forward to this past October. I see her in the store. She is in workout gear and looks like she has just finished up at the fitness club. I inquired as to what she had been up to.
"Just finished yoga!", she said.
"That's great!", I replied. "What type?"
"The bendy, stretchy type."
I laughed out loud at this. Then she asked if I was still practicing. I had to say, "No. Not for a while now."
"You need to go back. I was inspired by you. You can't let yourself stop now."
I was stunned. I managed to stammer a thank you and she went on her way.
You just never know who will hear your story and try something new for themselves.
*** *** *** *** *** ***
Things have been extra stressful at work. Holidays, inclement weather, and a new competitor down the street have put the microscope on myself and my co-workers. One day not too long ago, one of my compatriots pulled me aside to vent on a few things. After listening to her I offered a way to take five minutes and calm herself down:
"Heels and toes together. Interlock your fingers..." I walked her through Pranayama breathing (at least, as well as I could remember). We did five breaths together and she wondered at how GOOD it felt. She walked away smiling and able to return to the task at hand.
You just never know when you can use the smallest bit of knowledge to help someone in need...
*** *** *** *** *** ***
I was checking Facebook yesterday. There was a post from my old Bikram studio looking for people willing to clean the studio in exchange for free yoga.
Work-study is back!!!
I sent off an e-mail immediately. This afternoon I got the phone call.
I AM BACK!!!
I will work my first shift next week, but I can begin practicing immediately. First, though, I need to step up my hydration and be prepared for class. Physically, I've regressed to the point I was at when I took my first ever class. At 46, I'm a little worried I won't be able to get back to where I had progressed before. At least this time, I know what I'm in for.
You just never know when that second chance will appear. Don't let it slip by...
I am so excited about this!!
For the first time in FOREVER, I get to write about a real yoga practice. MY practice.
I can't wait!!!
Namaste.
08 November 2013
A sort of homecoming...
I did it!
I returned to where it all began -- my (new) old Bikram studio. Quite an experience!
Got there about 15 minutes prior to class. After filling out the necessary forms and meeting the instructor (an affable gentleman named Michon), I met up with the owner, Tammy. She welcomed me back with a hug and wished me a Happy Belated Birthday and told me how happy she was to see me back. Tammy was an instructor under the previous ownership but now she runs the place. She then stopped me and told me, "Hey, take it easy in there. Have fun."
The lobby is now a nice boutique with clothing, mats, water bottles, and the like. Works of art most of which are for sale) adorn the walls, and the place has a definite Southwesten/Old West vibe. Very nice indeed. The hot room was just where I left it -- only with a darker mix of colors and an extra ceiling fan or two. The carpet was different -- I did have a little trouble trying to keep my feet from sliding out from under me at times. here are four lines across the room instead three in the former configuration. That said, I set up in about the same place as when I took my first class.
Michon teaches a very brisk class. His delivery is good but fast, and he stays very true to the dialogue. Still, it was easy to keep up for a while. I am proud to say that, while I missed a couple of situps, I did not sit out ANY postures. Fell out plenty of times, but never sat. Even in Triangle, I was able to get back in after falling out.
Other impressions:
1) Any posture involving a forward bend was torture. From Hands-to-Feet all the way through Rabbit, my gut got in the way and made breathing difficult. I would pop up, take a breath, and try to bend forward again. Hopefully, with a better diet and more Bikram, that will improve quickly. Also, my balance was atrocious. In Standing head-to-knee, Standing Bow, and Balancing Stick, wobbling and falling out was the order of the day.
2) I listened to my body and stopped where necessary. In Camel, I could bend back and grab my right heel, but when trying to grab the left heel, I had to stop because I felt a grab in my back. Before that, in Fixed Firm, I could not get my shoulders to the floor. I didn't feel bad about it -- I know that in time I will get back there. Michon even called me out during Camel, letting me know it was OK if I could not express the posture fully -- "You're doing what you can today. Next time will be better. Good work." I must admit that made me feel at ease.
3) There was one familiar face in the class, but at times I admit I was reminiscing. I could hear the voices of past instructors, I could see the room as it was before, I thought of struggling alongside Sweetie and other people that we got to know through the yoga. I did feel a wave of nostalgia at one point.
4) I was shocked at a) my breathing, and b) how little water I drank. My breathing was actually good. Very few times did I gasp for air. The only time I drank water was at Party Time, which floored me. I did feel thrst near the end but by then I decided it could wait.
And then, it was over. The lights were dimmed, Michon thanked us for attending and even said, "Welcome Back, Mark. Good job today." I stayed a while and soaked in as much heat as I could, then showered and departed. Before leaving I was reminded that I am still eligible for the $49 intro special.
Next payday is next Thursday.
I think I'm back.
Amen!
Namaste.
I returned to where it all began -- my (new) old Bikram studio. Quite an experience!
Got there about 15 minutes prior to class. After filling out the necessary forms and meeting the instructor (an affable gentleman named Michon), I met up with the owner, Tammy. She welcomed me back with a hug and wished me a Happy Belated Birthday and told me how happy she was to see me back. Tammy was an instructor under the previous ownership but now she runs the place. She then stopped me and told me, "Hey, take it easy in there. Have fun."
The lobby is now a nice boutique with clothing, mats, water bottles, and the like. Works of art most of which are for sale) adorn the walls, and the place has a definite Southwesten/Old West vibe. Very nice indeed. The hot room was just where I left it -- only with a darker mix of colors and an extra ceiling fan or two. The carpet was different -- I did have a little trouble trying to keep my feet from sliding out from under me at times. here are four lines across the room instead three in the former configuration. That said, I set up in about the same place as when I took my first class.
Michon teaches a very brisk class. His delivery is good but fast, and he stays very true to the dialogue. Still, it was easy to keep up for a while. I am proud to say that, while I missed a couple of situps, I did not sit out ANY postures. Fell out plenty of times, but never sat. Even in Triangle, I was able to get back in after falling out.
Other impressions:
1) Any posture involving a forward bend was torture. From Hands-to-Feet all the way through Rabbit, my gut got in the way and made breathing difficult. I would pop up, take a breath, and try to bend forward again. Hopefully, with a better diet and more Bikram, that will improve quickly. Also, my balance was atrocious. In Standing head-to-knee, Standing Bow, and Balancing Stick, wobbling and falling out was the order of the day.
2) I listened to my body and stopped where necessary. In Camel, I could bend back and grab my right heel, but when trying to grab the left heel, I had to stop because I felt a grab in my back. Before that, in Fixed Firm, I could not get my shoulders to the floor. I didn't feel bad about it -- I know that in time I will get back there. Michon even called me out during Camel, letting me know it was OK if I could not express the posture fully -- "You're doing what you can today. Next time will be better. Good work." I must admit that made me feel at ease.
3) There was one familiar face in the class, but at times I admit I was reminiscing. I could hear the voices of past instructors, I could see the room as it was before, I thought of struggling alongside Sweetie and other people that we got to know through the yoga. I did feel a wave of nostalgia at one point.
4) I was shocked at a) my breathing, and b) how little water I drank. My breathing was actually good. Very few times did I gasp for air. The only time I drank water was at Party Time, which floored me. I did feel thrst near the end but by then I decided it could wait.
And then, it was over. The lights were dimmed, Michon thanked us for attending and even said, "Welcome Back, Mark. Good job today." I stayed a while and soaked in as much heat as I could, then showered and departed. Before leaving I was reminded that I am still eligible for the $49 intro special.
Next payday is next Thursday.
I think I'm back.
Amen!
Namaste.
07 November 2013
Hello, again!
Nice to be back. It was a long, stressful summer.
In addition to the long, hot days and ceaseless stress at work, I found myself taking Sweetie to ER twice. She is doing much better now, back to her normal, wonderful self. Turns out she developed an allergy to wheat/gluten. We are now much more cognizant of what we buy and eat. We are reading up on the subject, and have gone through lots of gluten free products in an attempt to find things that a) are tasty, and b) don't upset her system. Lots of trial and error, and less than appetizing items. We are having to rethink our way through grocery stores and restaurants. If anyone has ideas, books, or products to try, please leave a comment below.
Of course, there was little chance to practice yoga. However, over the last few weeks, we have talked about returning. Sweetie knows that one of the things I would love to do is learn to teach. She is fully on board with the idea. This means that I need to resurrect my practice. Therefore, I am going to take a Bikram class tomorrow for the first time in almost exactly two years.
I'm mortified.
I'm in almost the same shape as I was when I took my first Bikram class in 2009. Overweight. Smoking (yes, again). Weak in body and mind.
This time, at least, I know what I'm in for. The heat. The sweat. The discomfort.
I guess the thing I'm afraid of most is that I won't find whatever it was that kept me going to yoga in the first place. That I will go, have a horrible class and decide, "Well it was fun but I'm not up for this anymore.Two years of inactivity is just too much to overcome. I want a pizza. And a cigarette."
That scares me. It means that I'm weak. It means that I would prefer to continue to do the things that destroy my body rather than begin the process of healing it again.
I tried to get acclimated today by going to a different studio. Karmany Yoga has been hailed as one of the best in the area, so I gave it a shot. It was not good.
Lovely venue. Instructor (Eric) was very nice. Four other students, all female. One hour class.
I was miserable. It was warm but I didn't break a sweat until halfway through. Strange postures. Inversions. Using the wall for some postures. Using blocks and rolled up mats that you put between your legs or put on the floor under your belly. I spent a lot of those postures either standing around or in Child's Pose. Near the end, we did Cobra and a variation of Locust. Those went well, as did the Warrior/Triangle poses -- but the Triangle we did was a faint version of Bikram's. Overall, I was not impressed. I am not used to using props, and I don't think you need them. Some of the moves were just painful because (in my opinion) we were not warmed up properly.
I just hope tomorrow doesn't go down like that. I know it will be one of the toughest classes I've ever attempted. I just want to once again discover what drew me to yoga in the first place.
Time to continue hydrating. Class is tomorrow at mid-morning.
Wish me luck!
In addition to the long, hot days and ceaseless stress at work, I found myself taking Sweetie to ER twice. She is doing much better now, back to her normal, wonderful self. Turns out she developed an allergy to wheat/gluten. We are now much more cognizant of what we buy and eat. We are reading up on the subject, and have gone through lots of gluten free products in an attempt to find things that a) are tasty, and b) don't upset her system. Lots of trial and error, and less than appetizing items. We are having to rethink our way through grocery stores and restaurants. If anyone has ideas, books, or products to try, please leave a comment below.
Of course, there was little chance to practice yoga. However, over the last few weeks, we have talked about returning. Sweetie knows that one of the things I would love to do is learn to teach. She is fully on board with the idea. This means that I need to resurrect my practice. Therefore, I am going to take a Bikram class tomorrow for the first time in almost exactly two years.
I'm mortified.
I'm in almost the same shape as I was when I took my first Bikram class in 2009. Overweight. Smoking (yes, again). Weak in body and mind.
This time, at least, I know what I'm in for. The heat. The sweat. The discomfort.
I guess the thing I'm afraid of most is that I won't find whatever it was that kept me going to yoga in the first place. That I will go, have a horrible class and decide, "Well it was fun but I'm not up for this anymore.Two years of inactivity is just too much to overcome. I want a pizza. And a cigarette."
That scares me. It means that I'm weak. It means that I would prefer to continue to do the things that destroy my body rather than begin the process of healing it again.
I tried to get acclimated today by going to a different studio. Karmany Yoga has been hailed as one of the best in the area, so I gave it a shot. It was not good.
Lovely venue. Instructor (Eric) was very nice. Four other students, all female. One hour class.
I was miserable. It was warm but I didn't break a sweat until halfway through. Strange postures. Inversions. Using the wall for some postures. Using blocks and rolled up mats that you put between your legs or put on the floor under your belly. I spent a lot of those postures either standing around or in Child's Pose. Near the end, we did Cobra and a variation of Locust. Those went well, as did the Warrior/Triangle poses -- but the Triangle we did was a faint version of Bikram's. Overall, I was not impressed. I am not used to using props, and I don't think you need them. Some of the moves were just painful because (in my opinion) we were not warmed up properly.
I just hope tomorrow doesn't go down like that. I know it will be one of the toughest classes I've ever attempted. I just want to once again discover what drew me to yoga in the first place.
Time to continue hydrating. Class is tomorrow at mid-morning.
Wish me luck!
06 June 2013
Acceptance
This one will be short. No practice yet. Too many things going on. Seems as though neither Sweetie nor I will ever get back into practice. Not going to bore you with details, but I am proud to say that I haven't felt this good since leaving the hospital. It has been 99 days since I have had a cigarette, but if offered one right now, I can't swear I would refuse.
Anyhow, I do continue to read the blogs listed at right. In one of them, Bikram Butterflies , Kerry writes of her struggles and how it has helped her learn acceptance. Perhaps that is my issue. I've talked and talked ad nauseam about how badly I want to return to the hot room, to work on me again, to get back to where I was. Maybe I need to just be quiet and accept things for what they are and trust that the worm will turn eventually and my practice -- our practice -- will resume.
Problem: In my mind, I equate accepting with settling or giving up or setting aside.
Am I wrong?
If I stop trying and working and planning to achieve a goal, if I accept that I cannot return to practice, I'm giving up, right? That is the last thing I want to do.
I really don't know what else to say. I learned to love yoga. I miss it. I miss writing about it.
Perhaps I need to learn acceptance.
Peace.
Anyhow, I do continue to read the blogs listed at right. In one of them, Bikram Butterflies , Kerry writes of her struggles and how it has helped her learn acceptance. Perhaps that is my issue. I've talked and talked ad nauseam about how badly I want to return to the hot room, to work on me again, to get back to where I was. Maybe I need to just be quiet and accept things for what they are and trust that the worm will turn eventually and my practice -- our practice -- will resume.
Problem: In my mind, I equate accepting with settling or giving up or setting aside.
Am I wrong?
If I stop trying and working and planning to achieve a goal, if I accept that I cannot return to practice, I'm giving up, right? That is the last thing I want to do.
I really don't know what else to say. I learned to love yoga. I miss it. I miss writing about it.
Perhaps I need to learn acceptance.
Peace.
16 April 2013
one day...
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”
-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Share your light.
Share your love.
One day, we will have no more days like yesterday.
One day, no more innocents will die.
One day, we will all truly be one.
My thoughts and prayers to all.
Namaste.
(photos not mine)
29 March 2013
One step. then another...
Greetings! For those who observe Easter, I wish you a warm and happy one!
I am much recovered from the bronchitis described in the previous post. I have now gone 31 days without a cigarette. There have only been a few occasions where I wanted to smoke, but I brushed those feelings aside pretty quickly. Also, one of my co-workers is now attempting to quit. She has eschewed regular cigarettes for one of the electronic kinds that produce water vapor instead of smoke. She remarked that she feels better and that her clothes don't smell anymore. Excellent!
The new issue for me is food. I have been substituting food for nicotine and it feels like I am eating ALL THE TIME. I made a point to write down everything I ate for two days. I felt ill when I looked at it -- fast food, junk food, huge restaurant portions (plus all the free chips and salsa I could eat -- it was my favorite Mexican restaurant). Most of time I'm drinking coffee and precious little water. Listing my intake hasn't stopped me much, though -- so far today I have eaten two slices of toast with butter, one slice of bread with butter (while waiting for the toast), two everything bagels (one with cream cheese), cookies andthree four cups of coffee. No water, no juice, and not a crumb of anything healthy.
Here is the goofy part: I went to the clinic today for a routine blood pressure and weight check. The last time I went was two days before going into the hospital. That day my BP was somewhat alarming: 154 / 94; and I weighed 253 lbs. (114.8 kg). Today, my BP was much better at 128 / 80, but the goofy part was that I had actually LOST four pounds -- I weigh 249 lbs. (112.9 kg). After all the crap I have consumed, how on Earth could I actually be lighter, if only slightly?
In any case, action must be taken. I have put together a three step plan to get myself to a more healthy place.
Step 1: I have given myself three weeks to slow down and work on eating better. Why three weeks? Basically because Sweetie and I are going on vacation soon, and it's no fun trying to be "good" on your holiday. That said, I will attempt to at least drink 2 liters of water each day and eat decent meals without all the snacking that takes the place of smoking breaks.
Step 2: The first day back from vacation, I will begin a 14-day cleansing program. We did a seven-day cleanse last year with great results. The 14-day program is a bit more intricate but the dietary rules are the same: no red meat, no caffeine (that will hurt), no bread or pasta, no dairy or eggs (my cheese habit will suffer), no corn (?) or any processed fruits or vegetables, NOTHING artificial. As I said, I have done this before for seven days... I hope I don't go insane in the second half of this. I could stand only so much rice bran bread and puffed rice cereal with soymilk, and have you seen the price of organic/all natural nut butters or quinoa? Perhaps green juice is the answer? I have found some promising recipes online. In any event, I have already purchased the cleanse kit, so no turning back.
Step 3: This is the big one. Sweetie and I have talked at length about finding new careers. We are both less than happy with our current jobs, and I asked if she thought I would make a good yoga instructor. She said I would be fantastic. Then she asked a couple of our friends (one who practices and one who doesn't) and they both said that was a good thing to try. So, if I truly want to chase this dream I obviously must resume a regular practice. So, on May 1, I will be at a studio and taking class. Problem: I'm not sure which to choose. I love practicing Bikram but the cost of training is scary. It costs less to train for Sumits and while I very much enjoy his form of yoga, I seem to feel strongly that Bikram is where I need to be. Of course, attending Indigo and learn the Baptiste form would be interesting as well.
In any event, I have put together this timetable and I hope we can make this work. I may be broke before it's over but I'm going to get this done. Time is ticking and I'm tired of the person I am. I can be so much more, so much better.
I'll keep you posted. Questions, comments, or good wishes? Send them my way... I'm going to need a lot of good energy.
Namaste.
PS: Lunch will be two apples, 5 oz. Greek yogurt, and 1 liter of H2O.
I am much recovered from the bronchitis described in the previous post. I have now gone 31 days without a cigarette. There have only been a few occasions where I wanted to smoke, but I brushed those feelings aside pretty quickly. Also, one of my co-workers is now attempting to quit. She has eschewed regular cigarettes for one of the electronic kinds that produce water vapor instead of smoke. She remarked that she feels better and that her clothes don't smell anymore. Excellent!
The new issue for me is food. I have been substituting food for nicotine and it feels like I am eating ALL THE TIME. I made a point to write down everything I ate for two days. I felt ill when I looked at it -- fast food, junk food, huge restaurant portions (plus all the free chips and salsa I could eat -- it was my favorite Mexican restaurant). Most of time I'm drinking coffee and precious little water. Listing my intake hasn't stopped me much, though -- so far today I have eaten two slices of toast with butter, one slice of bread with butter (while waiting for the toast), two everything bagels (one with cream cheese), cookies and
Here is the goofy part: I went to the clinic today for a routine blood pressure and weight check. The last time I went was two days before going into the hospital. That day my BP was somewhat alarming: 154 / 94; and I weighed 253 lbs. (114.8 kg). Today, my BP was much better at 128 / 80, but the goofy part was that I had actually LOST four pounds -- I weigh 249 lbs. (112.9 kg). After all the crap I have consumed, how on Earth could I actually be lighter, if only slightly?
In any case, action must be taken. I have put together a three step plan to get myself to a more healthy place.
Step 1: I have given myself three weeks to slow down and work on eating better. Why three weeks? Basically because Sweetie and I are going on vacation soon, and it's no fun trying to be "good" on your holiday. That said, I will attempt to at least drink 2 liters of water each day and eat decent meals without all the snacking that takes the place of smoking breaks.
Step 2: The first day back from vacation, I will begin a 14-day cleansing program. We did a seven-day cleanse last year with great results. The 14-day program is a bit more intricate but the dietary rules are the same: no red meat, no caffeine (that will hurt), no bread or pasta, no dairy or eggs (my cheese habit will suffer), no corn (?) or any processed fruits or vegetables, NOTHING artificial. As I said, I have done this before for seven days... I hope I don't go insane in the second half of this. I could stand only so much rice bran bread and puffed rice cereal with soymilk, and have you seen the price of organic/all natural nut butters or quinoa? Perhaps green juice is the answer? I have found some promising recipes online. In any event, I have already purchased the cleanse kit, so no turning back.
Step 3: This is the big one. Sweetie and I have talked at length about finding new careers. We are both less than happy with our current jobs, and I asked if she thought I would make a good yoga instructor. She said I would be fantastic. Then she asked a couple of our friends (one who practices and one who doesn't) and they both said that was a good thing to try. So, if I truly want to chase this dream I obviously must resume a regular practice. So, on May 1, I will be at a studio and taking class. Problem: I'm not sure which to choose. I love practicing Bikram but the cost of training is scary. It costs less to train for Sumits and while I very much enjoy his form of yoga, I seem to feel strongly that Bikram is where I need to be. Of course, attending Indigo and learn the Baptiste form would be interesting as well.
In any event, I have put together this timetable and I hope we can make this work. I may be broke before it's over but I'm going to get this done. Time is ticking and I'm tired of the person I am. I can be so much more, so much better.
I'll keep you posted. Questions, comments, or good wishes? Send them my way... I'm going to need a lot of good energy.
Namaste.
PS: Lunch will be two apples, 5 oz. Greek yogurt, and 1 liter of H2O.
10 March 2013
And then it all went horribly wrong...
Hello again! I've not been able to make any yoga classes since last time. Instead, I learned for the first time just how my body has been affected by the way I have treated it.
It started innocently enough. Almost two weeks ago, I woke up about 2 AM with a sneezing fit and draining sinuses. It subsided shortly thereafter and I went back to sleep. A few hours later, at work, I started to feel a tickle in my throat along with a dry cough. My boss had suffered from something similar and said I might need to get it checked. I went to the clinic (not having a primary physician) and they diagnosed Bronchitis, gave me meds (antibiotic and steroids), and sent me home. The next day I felt OK until dinnertime, when my breathing became more labored, with a distinct wheeze. Back to the clinic, where they said I had strep throat, gave me a stronger antibiotic, a steroid shot, and a breathing treatment, and sent me home.
Then came the third day.
I had the day off, and I pretty much stayed in bed all day. I wasn't feeling horrible, but I wasn't feeling better. I went to pick up Sweetie from work, but I stayed in the car while waiting for her because I felt weak. When we got home, I sat down on the couch and tried to catch my breath. No good. Hit my rescue inhaler. Nada. Hit the inhaler again. This isn't working. I start to panic. I get Sweetie and she sees my discomfort. She is asking me what to do but I have difficulty answering. I dropped to my knees, trying to rally and just get one deep breath. My panic worsens and I feel myself sweating uncontrollably. I manage to tell her, "You better call an ambulance." She does and I am still on my knees trying to calm myself down.
It seemed like forever for the medics to arrive. When they did, they checked my oxygen saturation level. It was 85 (should be 97 or better). They gave me a treatment but it didn't help. Things got worse when they helped me onto the stretcher. I felt like I was suffocating and went into a full-blown panic. I even got out of the stretcher for a second so I could try and catch my breath. I laid back down and then everything went dark for a bit. The next thing I knew, I was still in the ambulance and I had a full mask on and oxygen was being forced into my lungs. I don't remember the IV stick being put in my left hand, but I do remember someone asking me to open my mouth and keep something under my tongue without swallowing ( I later found out it was not one but two tablets of nitro-glycerin ). Next thing I knew, I was in ER and hooked up to another machine that helped me breathe. There was another IV rig in my other hand. I remember talking to the ER doctor, x-rays being taken, and lots of blood drawn. As I became more aware of my surroundings, Sweetie arrived and sat beside me ( stayed beside me every step of the way ). In the next treatment area, I could hear people working on a man who had apparently suffered a stroke.
I hadn't been a patient in a hospital since I was born -- in the very hospital I was in now. To say I was scared would be an understatement, to say the least. I was terrified. After a couple of hours I was calmer and the breathing machine was discontinued, but I remained on oxygen. The tests slowly came back. The doctor came back with good news: the blood tests were all coming back good. The X-ray showed no pneumonia but quite a lot of chest congestion -- I was diagnosed as having acute bronchitis brought on by COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disorder -- a direct function of my smoking habit). I was told that I would be admitted for a day or two with lots of breathing treatments, antibiotics, and more steroids.
I thought, "OK, not so bad. Could have been worse."
Then the doctor said, "There is more." I went cold.
"We did find damage in the bottom lobes of your lungs from your smoking. This makes your heart have to work harder to oxygenate your cells, and there is some weakness in the right side of your heart." I went colder and looked over to Sweetie, who was shaken as well.
"Now the good news is this: IF you stop smoking NOW, within two years you can still undo most of this damage. Your lungs will be almost as good as any non-smoker. But, you must stop now."
Understand, I have always known the risks. However, I always felt like such things wouldn't really happen to me. I would know when I needed to quit. I mean, I've never had to go to the hospital for anything. I could always just stop and things would take care of themselves.
Now, I understand. As I lay in bed that first night, unable to sleep, it finally sank in: I'm 45 years old. I'm not bulletproof. I simply cannot continue to hurt my body like this. I have no choice but to choose a healthier way of life. If not, I won't be here. At all. I've got things I want to do, to accomplish, to be a part of. Hard to do if I am an invalid. Or dead.
It was the longest 40 hours of my life. Sweetie was an absolute gem throughout. My boss was kind enough to grant me vacation time so we didn't have to worry about losing income. Of course, we will have to see just how much this little escapade has cost, once the hospital and insurance company have settled. Cost doesn't matter -- this episode has already changed two lives. Not only mine (obviously), but Sweetie's son -- he witnessed that crazy night and has said he would quit smoking as well. I took my ID bracelet from the hospital and put it in my wallet in front of my license so it is always in sight. That way, if I feel like buying a pack of smokes, that reminder will be right there for me. I don't think that will be a problem though. All I have to do is look at my phone and this picture:
I have no desire to return to that bed. Ever.
Peace.
It started innocently enough. Almost two weeks ago, I woke up about 2 AM with a sneezing fit and draining sinuses. It subsided shortly thereafter and I went back to sleep. A few hours later, at work, I started to feel a tickle in my throat along with a dry cough. My boss had suffered from something similar and said I might need to get it checked. I went to the clinic (not having a primary physician) and they diagnosed Bronchitis, gave me meds (antibiotic and steroids), and sent me home. The next day I felt OK until dinnertime, when my breathing became more labored, with a distinct wheeze. Back to the clinic, where they said I had strep throat, gave me a stronger antibiotic, a steroid shot, and a breathing treatment, and sent me home.
Then came the third day.
I had the day off, and I pretty much stayed in bed all day. I wasn't feeling horrible, but I wasn't feeling better. I went to pick up Sweetie from work, but I stayed in the car while waiting for her because I felt weak. When we got home, I sat down on the couch and tried to catch my breath. No good. Hit my rescue inhaler. Nada. Hit the inhaler again. This isn't working. I start to panic. I get Sweetie and she sees my discomfort. She is asking me what to do but I have difficulty answering. I dropped to my knees, trying to rally and just get one deep breath. My panic worsens and I feel myself sweating uncontrollably. I manage to tell her, "You better call an ambulance." She does and I am still on my knees trying to calm myself down.
It seemed like forever for the medics to arrive. When they did, they checked my oxygen saturation level. It was 85 (should be 97 or better). They gave me a treatment but it didn't help. Things got worse when they helped me onto the stretcher. I felt like I was suffocating and went into a full-blown panic. I even got out of the stretcher for a second so I could try and catch my breath. I laid back down and then everything went dark for a bit. The next thing I knew, I was still in the ambulance and I had a full mask on and oxygen was being forced into my lungs. I don't remember the IV stick being put in my left hand, but I do remember someone asking me to open my mouth and keep something under my tongue without swallowing ( I later found out it was not one but two tablets of nitro-glycerin ). Next thing I knew, I was in ER and hooked up to another machine that helped me breathe. There was another IV rig in my other hand. I remember talking to the ER doctor, x-rays being taken, and lots of blood drawn. As I became more aware of my surroundings, Sweetie arrived and sat beside me ( stayed beside me every step of the way ). In the next treatment area, I could hear people working on a man who had apparently suffered a stroke.
I hadn't been a patient in a hospital since I was born -- in the very hospital I was in now. To say I was scared would be an understatement, to say the least. I was terrified. After a couple of hours I was calmer and the breathing machine was discontinued, but I remained on oxygen. The tests slowly came back. The doctor came back with good news: the blood tests were all coming back good. The X-ray showed no pneumonia but quite a lot of chest congestion -- I was diagnosed as having acute bronchitis brought on by COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disorder -- a direct function of my smoking habit). I was told that I would be admitted for a day or two with lots of breathing treatments, antibiotics, and more steroids.
I thought, "OK, not so bad. Could have been worse."
Then the doctor said, "There is more." I went cold.
"We did find damage in the bottom lobes of your lungs from your smoking. This makes your heart have to work harder to oxygenate your cells, and there is some weakness in the right side of your heart." I went colder and looked over to Sweetie, who was shaken as well.
"Now the good news is this: IF you stop smoking NOW, within two years you can still undo most of this damage. Your lungs will be almost as good as any non-smoker. But, you must stop now."
Understand, I have always known the risks. However, I always felt like such things wouldn't really happen to me. I would know when I needed to quit. I mean, I've never had to go to the hospital for anything. I could always just stop and things would take care of themselves.
Now, I understand. As I lay in bed that first night, unable to sleep, it finally sank in: I'm 45 years old. I'm not bulletproof. I simply cannot continue to hurt my body like this. I have no choice but to choose a healthier way of life. If not, I won't be here. At all. I've got things I want to do, to accomplish, to be a part of. Hard to do if I am an invalid. Or dead.
It was the longest 40 hours of my life. Sweetie was an absolute gem throughout. My boss was kind enough to grant me vacation time so we didn't have to worry about losing income. Of course, we will have to see just how much this little escapade has cost, once the hospital and insurance company have settled. Cost doesn't matter -- this episode has already changed two lives. Not only mine (obviously), but Sweetie's son -- he witnessed that crazy night and has said he would quit smoking as well. I took my ID bracelet from the hospital and put it in my wallet in front of my license so it is always in sight. That way, if I feel like buying a pack of smokes, that reminder will be right there for me. I don't think that will be a problem though. All I have to do is look at my phone and this picture:
I have no desire to return to that bed. Ever.
Peace.
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