Full Circle, Resolutions, and other Bullsh@t

From my first post, 01 JAN 2011:

 Hello, world! My name is Mark and I have decided to try my hand at blogging. The subject, for the most part, will be my experience of practicing Bikram yoga. For those who do not not know, it is commonly referred to as "Hot Yoga", since the 90 minute class is held in a 105-degree room. I have been practicing since April 2009, and have found wonderful benefit from it, which I will relate as I go forward. Hopefully I will have the willpower and desire to keep up with this -- I've never done this on a regular basis. I hope to be interesting enough to have you, my reader, to return, or to perhaps try Bikram. Unfortunately, as I write on New Year's Day, I am fighting my first ever case of pneumonia, which is going to set me back a bit. I'll write when I can and I hope you enjoy it! 

Indeed, it has been almost one full year since I started this little blogging experiment. For once, I actually had set a couple of goals for myself. I wanted to improve my practice. I wanted to learn more about the yoga itself. My stated goal was to attend 200 classes this year. I wanted to eat better, live better, and be healthier.

Well, so much for that.....

To be fair, there were some good (or great) moments. I was able to do Eagle properly for the first time. I got to take a class in a different city from a fantastic instructor. I overcame a panic attack. I even tried creative writing.

Mostly, though, there was a lot of struggling. One new instructor, then another. Got run over by the "yoga truck" more than once. Questioned my desire to continue. Beat myself up a lot, which I have always been very good at. Then, to top it off, the studio abruptly closed. Hopefully, it will reopen in mid-January. Still no word on whether or not we will keep our work-study positions. If not, my practice may be dormant for a very long time.... 

In November, after visiting the studio in Arlington for a one-off class, I wrote the following:

"...the longer class went on, the more I felt like I didn't belong. Not just that I didn't belong in that room, but that I had no business being there, doing yoga, at all. The yoga felt very foreign to me -- not just because I was extremely stiff and had no sort of strength or balance. I felt really weird just being there trying to do the postures -- worse even than during my very first class. I was completely uncomfortable and unnerved. As I lay on the floor, sitting out most of the floor series, I kept asking myself, "Why did I even come here? I'm just kidding myself... I'm really not cut out for this stuff. I could easily stop practicing and few if any would notice my departure. Why not just give this up? Face it, I could do this for the rest of my days and I doubt that I will ever really improve. I mean, really, two years of this and I still can't do Triangle? I still sit out postures? Why bother? I tried, and I failed. Move on."

As I type tonight, I feel pretty much the same way." 

Unfortunately, for the moment, that feeling still holds.

 

Now, as the calendar turns to 2012, I sit here with a nasty chest cold, and I am trying everything to avoid ending the year as it began -- with pneumonia. My diet is a wreck once more, and I'm still smoking. I have not progressed much, if at all.

Today, I got a catalog in the mail from a nutrition company. I started thinking once again about what I'm going to do in the new year to feel better, look better, etc. Another cleanse? Getting my diet back on track? FINALLY giving up the smokes? Getting back in the newly renovated hot room?

The resolutions haven't changed, because I haven't changed. 

Will I EVER change?

I see so many other people do so many things to improve themselves... and not only at the studio through yoga. Some have begun working toward a 5K, 10K, or marathon. Some have disciplined themselves in their diet, and have achieved results. Others have quit smoking, and stuck to it. 

Why is it that I cannot will not do these things? Why is it seemingly so easy for other people but next to impossible for me? I can see the writing on the wall... I will try to do better for a while, then I will get tired or discouraged and fall right back into the same old crap. 

Really, who wants to read about that?

I read so many blogs that are fun. Uplifting. Joyous. Yes, inspiring. 

This isn't one of them... at least right now.  

I am questioning how useful this blog has been. 

Peace.

Holiday Wishes

A few thoughts as the festivities draw nigh:

1) If you are traveling, I hope your trip goes well and you get there and back safe and sound.

2) If you are in the military (of any nation) and the holidays find you far away, know that we truly appreciate what you do. Godspeed and I hope you are with your loved ones very soon.

3) When you are with your loved ones, hug them. Hug them again.  Hug them harder. You just never know when (or IF)  you'll get that chance again.

4) If you are at odds with someone, extend the olive branch. Make peace. Just try.

5) Never forget: There are a great many people in need. Give what you can. The Red Cross, The Salvation Army, your local homeless shelter, women's shelter, your local food bank... all would appreciate whatever you can give. Food, clothing, cash, doesn't matter. It all goes to improve someone's life (and therefore the world) just a little bit.

6) Never forget (2): Our four legged friends need a hand, too. The local Humane Society or SPCA can always use food or bedding for their charges...

7) Eat, drink, and be merry!!! Just have a designated driver so there are no Holiday nightmares.

8) Laugh out loud. Do a silly dance. Tell someone just exactly how special they are to you.

However you may celebrate, I hope your holidays are truly magnificent and memorable!!!

Peace.

  

Losing touch....

A month since my last post. A little more than that since the studio was abruptly closed. I have since learned that the studio was actually sold to one of our newer instructors. She is currently renovating the studio -- or, finishing  the renovations that were started by the previous owners. She is keeping us posted via Facebook (photos included). Currently, the hope is that the studio will resume operations in early January, with a full Grand Opening in February. No word yet on whether we get to stay on work-study, but I am hopeful.

While the wait goes on, I have found myself slipping more and more into old habits. While I have had only four cigarettes in the last 12 days (Very Good), I am once again eating everything in sight. Doesn't matter whether or not I am actually hungry or not, I just eat. And eat. And eat. I bet I've gained almost 10 pounds. This with the holiday season nigh upon us. Worse, I wonder more and more about whether or not I really want to continue my practice.

Almost two weeks ago, I made the drive out to the studio in Arlington. I was happy to run into some of the regulars from Ft. Worth -- including one of our instructors. The Arlington studio is very nice indeed, as are the staff. They have been very helpful to those of us who have no home at the moment. Anyhow, the longer class went on, the more I felt like I didn't belong. Not just that I didn't belong in that room, but that I had no business being there, doing yoga, at all. The yoga felt very foreign to me -- not just because I was extremely stiff and had no sort of strength or balance. I felt really weird just being there trying to do the postures -- worse even than during my very first class. I was completely uncomfortable and unnerved. As I lay on the floor, sitting out most of the floor series, I kept asking myself, "Why did I even come here? I'm just kidding myself... I'm really not cut out for this stuff. I could easily stop practicing and few if any would notice my departure. Why not just give this up? Face it, I could do this for the rest of my days and I doubt that I will ever really improve. I mean, really, two years of this and I still can't do Triangle? I still sit out postures? Why bother? I tried, and I failed. Move on."

As I type tonight, I feel pretty much the same way.

 On a happier note, the latest Teacher Training concluded yesterday. I would like to say "Congratulations!!" to all who made it through, but especially to the following people who blogged about their adventure:

Kat -- A Sweaty Adventure

Tiffany -- The Hot Yoga Girl

Shavon -- bikram or bust

Alice Istanbul

Miss Copsey -- peace under pressure

Extra props to Ms. Istanbul -- in the midst of Training, she hopped a jet back to Florida to compete in the Southeast Regional Asana Championships -- and place FIRST in the Georgia Women's Division!!!

To all of you: it was really fun to follow your adventures. I wish all of you the best as you embark on your teaching careers.

Peace.

Now what?

 So, there I was. It was just after midnight, and I couldn't sleep. I had planned to attend the 6AM class but that was looking less and less likely due to my restlessness. I reached for my phone and opened up Facebook. The first entry was from the studio. My jaw dropped when I saw it. It read as follows:

"We deeply regret the short notice that we will be closing temporarily as we reorganize and rebuild... We will keep you informed to the best of our ability.  Please stay tuned for updates.  We apologize for the inconvenience."

My heart sank.

The one place... the ONLY place where I could hope to quiet my brain and focus on myself is closed. A renovation was begun last fall but it languished for reasons unknown. Yet, we all went and took class, and made the best of it. Now, it has been shut down for an unspecified length of time. 

I feel empty. Even with another long, tiring week in progress, my Tuesday class was the best in months! I was looking so forward to getting in there and starting my day off in a positive fashion. Instead, I really feel bad. I don't want to eat, and my body is upset (headache, queasiness). I'd like to write more but I must take care of my loved ones. Don't know when I'll be back, and since the nearest studio is 35 minutes from here, I don't know when my next class will be.
 
To all who stop by: BE STRONG!! BREATHE!!! LOCK THAT KNEE!!! 

If you want, you can drop a line to the email at the top of the page.

Until next time (whenever that is....) 

Namaste 

Thud. (Epilogue)

I made it in to the room last night for the first time since Thursday.

It did not go well. At all.

Trouble started right away. Kept gasping and taking extra breaths in Pranayama. My breathing was never in synch. Hands-to-Feet was OK, but Awkward was horrid. Eagle was the high point of my class, somehow I was able to hook both feet -- not completely, but they did hook, and I released my interlocked fingers and tried to achieve prayer position. I was a lot closer to it than I ever thought....

After that, however, my class went downhill at about the same rate as an avalanche. No balance in Standing H2K, or Standing Bow, or Balancing Stick (Stick was the worst of all -- only got to 3 before falling out -- ankles kept rolling. SSL Stretching and Triangle are the Evil Twins of my practice. I can't even grab my heels in Stretching -- every time I try there is pain from my hips down the sides of my legs as if they are going to instantly cramp, so I stand back up and walk in place to get the muscles to let go. In Triangle, I will never get my legs to look like an upside down 'L' -- I'm quite sure of that. My hamstrings scream and I either stand back up or fall to my mat. In SSLH2K, my gut gets in the way and I start to gasp for air, so I fall out. Tree was OK; I did not attempt Toe Stand. By this time I was getting spasms in my back and I knew I was toast. Tried Wind-Removing but barely got through. Situps were not practical, and I simply laid on my stomach during the spine series, with my back muscles refusing to let go. When the class transitioned into Fixed Firm, I exited the chamber, found a bench in the back room, and tried to get my back to let go. Didn't happen.

I guess I should have stayed home, but it was my work study night and I needed to be there. This morning was no better. The weather change (cooler and rain) caused so much congestion that I had to race to get an inhaler because I flat out could not breathe. (Weather change, my a$$, it's those damn cigarettes!!)  Like, "climb the stairs and gasp for air" could not breathe. As I wrote yesterday, I am a wreck, and I'm at a loss. I am usually the positive, "things will get better", guy. Unless I'm talking about me, in which case I'm the  "What's the point?" guy.

So, looks like I'm back at the beginning. Eat better. Hydrate. For the love of God, find a way to stay away from smoking (Prescription? Hypnosis?). I have to find a way. For me. For my Sweetie. Besides, I'm really tired of writing all these "downer" entries. I'm sure it's not fun to read. Damn sure isn't fun to write, but at least it is cathartic in some ways. Tomorrow is another chance to start again...

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A number of current Training blogs that I follow related a story of taking an Advanced class on their off day. As I understand it, the regular 90 minute class is the warm up, and one ends up spending 5 hours in the room. I cannot imagine that. You men and women are so much stronger than I can hope to be.

Peace.

Thud.

"Steps taken forwards but sleepwalking back again
Dragged by the force of some inner tide"

 "High Hopes" -- From Pink Floyd's The Division Bell

Just home from work. Long six days, with work (driving me insane), a sick Sweetie (stomach flu... down for four days but now recovered), and a side project (completed) have meant 17, 18, even 19 hour days over that six day span. Made it to two classes last week (more on that in a minute). With so much to do and very little time, I jumped right back into old habits. Pizza. Cheeseburgers. Fried chicken. Fried fish. And all of it was take-out. Worse, I actually bought and drank at least one Dr. Pepper on five of those days. EVEN WORSE, I would smoke three, four, as many as six cigarettes a day!!! I was doing so well but give me long hours and stressful work conditions and I run right back to the old vices. I have fallen off the proverbial wagon on so many fronts.

Thing is, I don't feel very bad about it. I'm rationalizing all of this with reasons (excuses) such as:

     No use cooking for one.

     Needed the sugar and caffeine to keep going.

     Really no reason for smoking other than I wanted to.

Now, here I sit, with class just under two hours away, snacking on chips and cheese and trying to drink two liters of water in the next hour or two so that I am somewhat hydrated. It is my work study night, so I need to be there anyway. Might as well take class. Don't really want to. I'm tired, my knees ache, and I've had back spasms on and off since this morning. I am a wreck, and the last thing I want to do is sweat and pull and bend and groan and twist, twist, twist. Yet, given all of this, something inside tells me to keep going.

I stopped by the studio on Sunday to pick up the recycling. Sweetie is in charge of recycling and we are lucky to have two huge bins which the city empties weekly. As tired as I was, when I walked past the room, I paused. Both sets of doors were open slightly (class had ended 10 minutes earlier). As I walked past, I felt the heat hit me... must have been really toasty in there!! I stopped short and let the heat flow around me. The smells of the room overtook my nostrils -- the strong scent of perspiration, along with traces of tea tree oil and disinfectant (used when we clean the room). Added to those aromas, I swear, for just a fleeting moment, that I could smell emotions. Determination. Pain. Anger. Joy. Disappointment. Fear. Defeat. Surrender (not the same as defeat). For that tenth of a second, I think my mind went to a different place, a different level. I very badly wanted to take class right then and there. The moment stayed with me so briefly. I've tried to get back there but to no avail. Instead, my mind has dealt with the last six days, and now I don't even want to go. I feel like a failure (again). I'm so weak and inflexible and my mind is mush. At times I feel like giving up my work study spot and my practice. I feel like I do before I started practicing. Fat. Lazy. Without direction. Yes, at times I've wanted to cry. Cannot cry though... Don't let them see you cry....


                                             ************************************

My last class actually wasn't bad. It was last Thursday and the Really Difficult Teacher (I wrote about her here ) was teaching. Since the class was smaller than usual, I set up on the front row, something I rarely do and haven't tried in ages. Since I don't wear my glasses in class, It is blurry from the second row, and very difficult to focus on myself from the back row. Any way, she was her usual self -- pushing and pushing and asking us to take off the "training wheels" and push ourselves to a new level. This time however, most everything she said was clicking with me. I begin to see where she's coming from when she tells what us what muscles and bones are involved in a given posture.  Triangle was still elusive, but in Hands-to-Feet, as I pulled on my heels, I felt a sharp pop-pop-pop as my spine actually moved! I felt really strange for a second, then I couldn't keep from smiling. Definitely the high-point of class. I just wish she would hold it to six counts instead of 10-12 in Pranayama. Just saying...

One last thing for instructors: Want to make second set of Triangle more enjoyable? Find out if anyone is having a birthday in the next day or two. If so, once you get to "...just move your arms", have everyone sing "Happy Birthday" then come out and return to the set position. I actually made it through that set!!

Anyhow, time to shut it down. I'm going to go, and set up in the front. I am going to try my hardest and try to breathe correctly. Hopefully I find that place I found on Sunday, if only for a moment.

Peace.

Thought for the day...

"Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on."

-- Steve Jobs   1955-2011 

So, what am I waiting for? 

 

Just. Get. There.

I really don't have too much to report. Work is more difficult than normal. There seems to be so little time right now. My last class was on Sunday, and it actually wasn't that bad. Since then, I've had chances to go but I've had little to no motivation. It is unseasonably hot here (my computer says it is 102.... cold front finally due tonight) and I feel like it is going to be a tough class today. My gear is ready. I'm dressed. Class is 43 minutes from now and still I have no desire to go. At all. It's going to be rough. It's going to be hot. I haven't eaten well the last few days weeks, nor have I stayed properly hydrated.

Why do I do this?

My struggles make the idea of actually going through nine weeks of Teacher Training seem even more impossible. I'm keeping up with the goings on in LA through several different blogs (just check my list). Those people are only in the second week.... don't think I could make it through one! I have so much respect for anyone who undertakes such a challenge. (Challenge.... I can't even muster the interest in attempting any sort of challenge; whether it's 7 days, 10, 30, or 60.)

Well, it's time. Shutting it down and heading to the studio.

Just.     Get.      There.

Peace.

Thought for the day...

"It's not the load that breaks you,

it's how you carry it."

-- Unknown

The #1 Star

    

 Note: Aside from the word "spine", there is nothing about yoga in this post. Since NHL.com shut down its fan site, I have nowhere else to post this. Still, I hope you enjoy.

     The sweater.

     The sweater flapping in the breeze.

     The sweater flapping in the breeze as he glided down the ice with indescribable grace and ease.

     That is Mike Modano.

     One of my sports heroes – the last sports hero of my youth -- hangs it up today.

Mike Modano will shortly sign a one day contract with the Dallas Stars, and then announce his retirement from the game he loves and graced for 21 seasons.

     The back story: the Minnesota North Stars packed their sticks and pucks and came south to Dallas in1993. Prior to that, my knowledge of ice hockey was as follows:

Watching one game of the ’75 Stanley Cup Final as a youngster.

The 1980 US Olympic upset of the Soviet Union.

Watching the odd playoff game on ESPN.

     When the move was announced, I was sucked in immediately. Most of my friends sniffed at me because it was hockey. A game from Canada. On ice. I didn’t care. I knew that it was fast paced, hard hitting, and players would stop and punch each other. Yes, there were very talented players, but that was lost among the pushing, hitting, and fighting. I knew there was a flashy player named Modano, but I didn’t think much about him.

     Then I saw him play.

      I saw how he did magical things with the puck. I watched him stop, turn on a dime, and be at top speed in one or two strides. He seemed to know where everyone was on the ice, and where everyone would be three seconds from now. He could deftly redirect a puck, or he could wind up and seemingly drill pucks through netminders.  In those early days, Modano was counted on to score, score, and score some more. He was also counted on to sell the game of hockey in North Texas. He did whatever was asked of him to help grow the Stars’ fan base. Interviews, appearances, whatever it took, Mike was there with his million watt smile and GQ looks. Men envied him. Women loved him. We all watched and cheered as he helped bring hockey to the forefront of Dallas’ sports conciousness.

     Of course, looks only go so far. In Dallas, where the Cowboys’ success has instilled a “Championship or Nothing” mentality, results matter. With Ken Hitchcock behind the bench, and an influx of talented players (Nieuwendyk, Hull, Zubov, Belfour, et. al), the Stars became a power in the NHL.  In 1999, they ascended the mountain, winning the Stanley Cup for the first time in franchise history. Dallas came close to repeating the following year, falling to New Jersey in the Final.

     Through it all, while being known as the “Face of the Franchise”, Modano never acted that way. Many have referred to him as, “… a superstar who doesn’t know he is a superstar”. There were personal and financial issues that arose, but he always acted with class and dignity.

     This past season, after Dallas bid him adieu (a move I will never forgive), Modano went home to Michigan to play with the Detroit Red Wings (the hated rivals). It was really sickening to see him with the winged wheel on his chest. He played in only 40 games due to injury, then spent the summer considering his future.

     I consider myself very fortunate to have been able to watch Mike Modano in person on a number of occasions. My favorite moment, aside from the Cup win, came on March 13, 2007, when Mike scored his 500^th goal. I was there. Still have the ticket. It was one of those moments that send chills down your spine. Modano finished his career with 561 goals and 1,374 points, most ever by an American born player. He owns all sorts of franchise records as a Star. He played with grace and grit. He gave us a new hero here in town, and he never acted like the spoiled child that many athletes have become.

     Watch a highlight or two. None of what I said here will matter, for you will be mesmerized by one thing.

The sweater.

Thought for the day...

"How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?"

-- Satchel Paige

Motivation (or lack thereof....)

I have sat down three four times today, trying to form a few coherent thoughts. Here goes nothing.

It has been a very hectic month, between work and a quick getaway weekend with my sweetie. There has been little time for yoga (we had planned to start our own little challenge but that had to be put on the back burner). We are tired. Drained. Exhausted. We had agreed to go to class at 10 this morning but I didn't wake up until 9:30, so nothing doing. Could have gone later in the day, but instead of hydrating I sat, watched football, and ate. And ate. And ate. I went slightly insane, I think. The thought of going to class was.... not repulsive.... not upsetting.... well, after breakfast, there was no real thought of going to class. Sedentary and slothful were the words of the day.... What does one do when the motivation wanes? When one is just too tired, or upset, or hungry or just doesn't want to?

Speaking of my practice, there were a couple of classes worth talking about. One featured a former instructor who returned from LA -- apparently worked/taught at the home office. Big on anatomy. Pushed us hard. In Pranayama (where it's supposed to be a count of six, right?), I counted to 12 on more than one inhale. Always telling us what bones and muscles were being used atthatparticularpointand don'tforgettobreatheandpushpushpushpush. Seriously, it seemed like she never stopped talking! It might have been the closest I'll ever get to attending a class actually taught by Bikram. As I recall, the class ran over by a few minutes, and everyone was beaten. I tried to keep up but by Triangle I was toast. I couldn't maintain my breath because I was chasing her words so badly. Yuck.

A few days later I was back in the room. One of the regulars was teaching and I had something of a breakthrough. In Hands-to-Feet, for the first time I really felt like I was folding at the waist, and I came sooooooo close to getting both hands directly behind my heels. Anyhow, when I pulled on my heels, I felt my upper body really move, really felt my torso being pulled towards the floor. The lesson for me was just how weak my abs and core muscles are. I admit I've never been a fan of sit-ups/crunches, but I need to find something to help strengthen them....

Last Thursday I attended the 6AM class which was taught by the studio director. I guess the (old) new teacher rubbed off... her class was a bit more brisk... a little quicker in and out of postures, with postures being held a (tiny) bit longer. I"m just not very flexible that early in the day (who is?) but it wasn't a bad class by any means. I was the only one who sat out Triangle (as usual)....  I tried to get there but my hamstrings protested as they normally do....

Going forward? No rest for the wicked. Work. Meetings. New program to implement. Will try to get to four classes this week. Should not be a problem to get there... just need to rediscover my motivation for being there.... 

Peace.

Thought for the day...

Do not dwell in the past,

do not dream of the future,

concentrate the mind on the present moment.

--- Buddha