Laid Out

So there I was: Tuesday afternoon. I'm finishing up at work, knowing that class was just over 90 minutes away. I had one more crate to move ( I work in the grocery business ).

One more f***ing crate. 

Then it happened. 

I picked up that last crate, and something gave way in the lower left part of my back. I dropped the crate and dropped to a knee. It felt like someone had jammed an ice pick in there. It swelled quickly and walking was difficult. 

(I should point out that this part of my back almost always gives me problems in class. This is the area where I feel discomfort almost every time I try Locust Pose.)

Since I had dealt with this before, I figured it would not be that bad. I thought that, as long as I took it easy, I could do the class. Admittedly. I also felt some pressure to keep up with the challenge and not get too far behind. So, very gingerly, I made my way to the studio. 

The instructor immediately asked what happened and I told her the story. 

Her: "Would you like some Advil?"

Me: "Oh, no. I'm ok. It will be fine."

Her: "You just injured your back and require an anti-inflammatory. Let me ask you again. Would you like some Advil?"

Me: "You know, that sounds like a good idea. Two, please."

The first part of class was not bad. As long as I made sure to suck my stomach in, there wasn't much pain. However, any forward bend was uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable. Then we got to the posture before Triangle: Standing Separate Leg Stretching. For all intents and purposes, that is where the class ended for me. 

                            Standing Separate Leg Stretching Pose

As soon as I tried to go forward, I crumpled to the floor. I eased my way to a seated position and stayed there until Tree and Toestand. I was able to do Tree but that was it. The floor series was a complete washout. I thought that, if nothing else, laying on the warm floor would help ease the pain. It did. At least until class was over. When I tried to get up I found that my back was completely frozen. It took minutes to roll to one side, then I was able to gingerly get to my feet. Even then I was leaning on the wall to get from the room to the showers, shuffling along like a 200 year old with tears of pain welling up. 

I went to work the next day and was able to get through it. Since Wednesday is one of my nights to clean the yoga room, I took class. It was a carbon copy of the previous night except that I was able to move more easily after class. After a few hours of sleep I was back in for the 5:30 AM on Thursday. This time I was able to do some of the floor poses and had a decent class. Yesterday I took the 4:30PM and I was good all the way until Rabbit Pose. That asana proved a bit much and I rested for that one. I was complimented by the instructor after class! 

                                  Rabbit Pose

In retrospect, had I not been in the midst of a challenge, I would have sat out for two or three days, let the pain/swelling subside, and get back to it. I might have let my pride or competitiveness get the best of me. I could have taken a day off and still met the deadline. In reality, I'm glad I did what I did. I really got to test my limits. Without the yoga, I truly believe that I might still be in some discomfort. Instead, my back feels great! 

There was no yoga today due to my work schedule. This means that I must complete nine classes between now and next Saturday the 30th. I am hydrating as I write: doing a double tomorrow (8 and 10AM). It's going to be a long week but I can do this. 

I am strong. 

I am STRONG. 

I AM STRONG!!!

(And so are you!!!)

See you on the other side!!

Namaste. 

We Are All Warriors

I came across this poem a few days ago. It has stuck with me ever since and I read it nearly every day. I want you to read it and simply remember we are warriors, one and all. 

Namaste. 

"Warrior of the Light"

By Paulo Coehlo 

"Every Warrior of the Light has been afraid to enter combat.

Every Warrior of the Light has betrayed and lied in the past.

Every Warrior of the Light has lost faith in the future.

Every Warrior of the Light has trodden a path that was not his own.

Every Warrior of the Light has suffered because of unimportant things.

Every Warrior of the Light has doubted that he is a Warrior of the Light.

Every Warrior of the Light has failed in his spiritual obligations.

Every Warrior of the Light has said yes when he meant no.

Every Warrior of the Light has hurt someone he loved.

That is why he is a Warrior of the Light:

He has endured all of this, and not lost the hope to improve.”

Voices Inside My Head

Note: My 60 day Bikram Yoga Challenge rolls on. The events in this post relate to class 41 on Wed May 13. 

At the end of my last post, I said that last night's class was probably going to be difficult. 

"Difficult" does not even begin to describe it. 

Instead of describing each posture in gruesome detail (at least, the postures I actually attempted), I wanted to relate some of what was going on in my head during class.

Pranayama: My right elbow never seems to get quite as high. Man, do my shoulders hurt. 

Awkward: Wow, I actually stood on my tiptoes and held it... Why am I now falling out of the third part?

Eagle: Not too bad (first set)...

           What the hell happened in 45 seconds that I can't do this? (second set)

Standing Head to Knee: OK, so what if EVERYONE else is kicking out... It's ok. So what if you can't even grab a foot or lock a knee tonight. It's ok...

Standing Bow: This is not going to end well. (I am having trouble with balance and I can't really even START the posture.) Oh, great EVERYONE is in the posture. They look awesome. And here I am standing up, head down, hoping a hole opens up in the floor and swallows me. 

Balancing Stick (my knee buckles as I step forward): Please don't give up. PLEASE DONT GIVE UP! I give up. 

Standing Separate Leg: Don't give in!! Don't! DO NOT GIVE IN!!! I crumple to the floor. MOTHERFUCKER I SAID DON'T DO THAT!!! I hit the floor and there I stay. 

Triangle: Don't even bother trying. The instructor tries to coax those of us not doing the posture into trying the second set. I ignore her. 

The monkey mind has won. Yoga has become secondary. My brain and my body are arguing with each other and nothing is getting done. I sit out until Savasana then give a half-hearted effort in Wind Removing that the instructor calls me out by name: "I know you can do this, Mark. Pull harder." I do not. 

I am pretty much done from then on. I spend the remainder of class on my back wondering why the rest of the class has the fortitude and strength to press on while I simply quit time after time. I then think about how this same issue presents itself outside the room: while others advance or move on to bigger and hopefully better things, I have stayed in the same place doing the same things for almost three full decades. 

Why?

In both cases, fear.

Fear of falling out of postures. Fear that I will never be able to grab my heels or kick my leg out or hold a posture. Fear of how I look. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear of ridicule. Fear of losing what little I have. Fear of dying.

Fear of living. 

I settle. 

I give up too easily -- sometimes without any fight at all. 

Instead of practicing acceptance and mindfulness and compassion for oneself, I berate, chastise, and loathe myself. 

I keep trying to convince myself that I belong in that room. That I can change my body, my mind, and my life. 

I keep trying to convince myself that I matter. That I've actually got the cojones to make this happen. 

As I complete this post it is 4AM on Sunday morning. Storms are rolling through. Rain pours down as lightning races through the clouds and I wonder what today will bring. 

Will I accept and embrace what comes, or push it away?

Exactly what would happen if I let go of the fear -- just for a moment?

Peace. 

The Grinder

It hurts.

EVERYTHING hurts.

Knees. Hips. Shoulders. Back. Front. Teeth. Hair.

It. All. Hurts.

I could go back and recount each class but that would bore you. And me.

Let's just say that I'm in the grinder, and I'm being chewed up.

There is no rhyme or reason to it. One class is OK, the next I'm flat on my back and questioning my sanity.
Questioning my practice.
Questioning my life.
Questioning everything.

Add to that the fact that I was unable to take class for two days in a row. Now I've got 17 days to do the last 20 classes.

Some highlights:

Class 33: No water, no lunch. Yet, I walk in with the feeling I'm going to kick ass. Instead, I'm down for the count at Triangle.

Class 34: Took the 5:30AM. Somehow I manage to get my hands behind my feet in H2K!

Class 35: Bad night all around. Instructor sets up in front of me and warms up by doing perfect handstands one after another. Surrounded by really good students who outclass me. I was the flabby, pale guy surrounded by toned, fit, healthy yogis. No confidence or will power. I was toast before Triangle. Yes, I know I'm only supposed to focus on myself but sometimes it is impossible -- especially when everyone is doing a perfect Balancing Stick and I'm standing there with hands on hips, gasping for air.

Balancing Stick Pose

(That is NOT me.)

 

That's really all you need to read. Lots of laying on my back. One decent class followed by a terrible one.

The cycle has kept up this week. A good double on Sunday, tough nights Monday, and Tuesday, then a surprisingly good class this morning! Since I'm taking class again tonight, it must mean that tonight's class is going to be a bitch. 

 

And so it goes...

 

 

Namaste.

 

 

Thoughts at Halfway

Saturday, May 2

No yoga today, and if I'm honest, I'm thankful for that. 

I have made it halfway through my sixty day challenge -- actually I'm on 31 classes. Wednesday's single class was followed by a double on Thursday to reach 30 classes in 30 days. That was followed by a 5:30AM class on Friday morning (necessary because I was on assignment and had a 64 mile commute that day). That meant that I had completed three classes in 14.5 hours. All three classes were actually pretty good. The surprising part was how flexible I was in the morning class where I am usually not very bendy... Needless to say, however, by the time I got home last night I was toast. I slept very well (almost too well -- I overslept by a few minutes but made it to work on time this morning).

So, I thought about sharing a few tidbits at the halfway point. 

1) This is more difficult than I remember. 

Of course it's been almost six years since my first go round with this yoga, and that first year I did two challenges that summer. At 47 things progress just a tad more slowly than at 41. 

2) I am more mindful of form. 

In the past, I would alter a pose or alter the entrance into a pose just to "look right". I didn't want to be the fat guy or the old guy who couldn't perform a pose. I was a "poser" of sorts (pardon the pun). Now, I'm far more interested in entering and exiting the postures correctly and safely. Thirty classes in and I'm seeing true results. 

Example: In Hands-to-Feet, I almost got my hands behind my heels on Friday morning. Actually I did get my hands in the right place for just half a second (just long enough to have one of those 'I am a yogi!' moments. Now, I don't sit out Triangle nearly as often, and if I fall out, I try to get back in a lot more often. My practice has become more meaningful to me. 

3) ALWAYS HAVE A SPARE COSTUME!

Somewhere around class 15 or 16, I had one of those "Oh No" moments. We had just finished Standing Head-to-Knee and I was adjusting my shorts (simple drawstring gym/basketball shorts) when I heard a worrying "SNAP" and felt my shorts go slack. 

"Uh-oh. Please, God, no."

I tugged at the waist and surprisingly, the was resistance. I figured that if I kept REALLY STILL and could get through Standing Bow without incident, I would continue.  I did, and I did, and once we got to the floor, I had no worries. Turns out that the string had held by one single strand. Now, there is always a backup pair of shorts in my bag!

4) You find support where you did not expect. 

As more of my fellow students and instructors have learned of my challenge, the response has been so positive I just can't believe it. When I walk in the studio or the locker room, people say:

"What day are you on?"

"You doing OK?"

"That is great! Keep going!"

The support really helps. 

Your challenge can, in turn, inspire others. For example, my work study partner showed up unexpectedly on Thursday for my 30th class. She had previously said she couldn't make it. When I asked her what changed, she replied simply:

"You encouraged me."

By the way, if you recall, she had to start her challenge eight days after me because of illness. She is somewhere in the mid20s and catching up. More inspiration!!

So there we are. A quiet Saturday evening has passed into a brilliant Sunday morning. Back at it today, then another tough stretch from Monday to Wednesday: three work shifts, two cleaning shifts, and another 5:30AM class on Tuesday as I'm on assignment again with another long commute. In addition, there will be three, maybe four more doubles before this challenge concludes because of my work schedule. As I recall from my previous challenges, classes 30 through 50 were really tough. You're deep into this thing, and there seems to be no end; no light at the end of the tunnel.

Yet. 

Just need to focus on the next class.

The next posture.

The next breath. 

Have a great week!!!

Namaste. 

From Thirty to Sixty

That day off I spoke of at the end of the last post turned into two days off. Although it has been one year since I quit smoking, the asthma associated with it flares up every so often. Sunday was one of those days. After cleaning house in the morning I started wheezing badly, so it was off to bed with my inhaler. I didn't sleep well, and was exhausted on Monday. My class on Monday was a wreck. No strength. No balance. No will. No confidence. I hit the floor after Standing Bow and stayed there. Thought a lot about abandoning the challenge. Thought (again) about giving up my practice. Thought about how I do not belong in a yoga studio and how fat and flabby I am. Thought about emotional eating (since I had left my wallet at home that morning I was starving and slammed down a HUGE fast food burrito when I got home). Very negative evening. The best part came after class: I had a work study partner and I didn't have to work alone. That was a blessing. 

Tuesday dawned with much improved breathing but my lungs hurt a lot. I didn't get a lot of sleep and I was really out of it. However, as the day wore on I started to feel stronger and breathing was easier. By the time I got home from work I was thinking that it was going to be a good night. The class started out great, but by Triangle I sitting down again. I did attempt the Spine Strengthening poses but there wasn't much oomph behind them. Once again I was gassed. This time, though, I took it in stride. I didn't beat myself up. I accepted it and moved on. 

The next couple of classes were pretty much the same until this past Sunday (26th). After two poses, back spasms popped up and I left the room and went home. Monday's class was much better, and last night I did a double to make up for Sunday's class. The heat was lower but the humidity was higher. I was drenched five minutes into each class but felt pretty strong. 

So, with the halfway point coming up (oh, did I not mention? I decided to stretch this challenge to SIXTY days!), I have a single class tonight, then a double again tomorrow to make 30 classes in 30 days. Feeling good, but from past experience I know the next 15-20 days will be a grind. I'm ready. I think. 

Namaste. 

April Challenge: In a Daze

(On April 1st, I started a 30 day Bikram Yoga Challenge. Here is the latest update.)

As the title suggests, this week has been a blur. After a day off last Saturday, I was back in the chamber for a Sunday morning class. In addition to the normal stiffness and difficulty, the heat wasn't working well for the first half of class. To counter the cooler than normal conditions, the instructor advised us to not attempt to go as deep into the postures as usual. In addition, she moved us through the standing series at a faster pace to help get us as warm as possible. This meant little to no rest between postures; it was a sprint through the standing set. It worked pretty well -- I was sweating almost as much as normal. Somewhere around halfway, the heat kicked in, and all was as it should be. It was really not that bad a class. If nothing else, it reinforced the idea of being mindful: staying present and focusing on entering and exiting the postures properly and safely. 

The classes on Monday and Tuesday were strong for me. What I am most pleased about was that a) I did every Triangle, and b) my Locust Pose continues to improve. That really is huge for me! Triangle has seemed to get a little easier with each class. I believe it is because my hips are trying to open. I think my hips are trying to open because I am getting closer and closer to a proper Hands-to-Feet pose (my hips scream at me as I try to get my hands to hook under my heels). Locust still scares me at times because my lower back is still not strong enough but its getting better.

So, we come to Wednesday. 

Ugh. 

It was just horrid. Earlier in the day, I let someone steal my peace. I became angry and upset. The reason is not important. In fact, in retrospect it really wasn't that big a deal. Anyhow, I had zero desire to do yoga. The fact that I was doing a challenge and that it was one of my nights to clean the studio were the only reasons I was there. I could not focus, I had no balance, and I just kept staring at my gut in the mirror. Result: I was down for the count at Triangle. I just laid down and checked out. My work-study partner was concerned enough to ask if I was ok, which was really sweet. I went home, went to bed, and tried to just let it go. 

Yesterday (Thursday), I decided I needed to atone for that horrible class the previous night, so I made sure to get to the studio for the 4:30 and 6:30 classes. Best decision I've made this week! I always go into a double thinking that I will just take it easy in the first class, then go all out in the second. The energy in the room (and the instructors) usually dictate otherwise. The energy in the first class was awesome. Everyone was doing their best, and it made for a great experience! Instead of taking it easy, I poured myself out on the mat, did every posture, and felt really great at the end. A quick change and some coconut water later, the 6:30 began. The class had a few more people, and the row in front of me was populated by an instuctor and two very strong students. Result? Excellent! I simply tried to be as deliberate and calm as they were and almost forgot that this was my second class of the day. Now, my muscles began to talk to me in the last half hour, but I was able to make it through. That may have been the best double I've ever done. I'm writing this post on Friday morning and I feel better than normal!

One other thing I've really been working in this week: conserving energy by economizing my movements during the floor series. Example: when getting into Camel Pose, I turn and roll over from my mat, push myself up to a kneeling position, and then walk on my knees back onto the mat. When the pose is over, I flop around to get onto my back for Savasana. At times I must look like a wildebeest that just took a tranquilizer dart, all stumbling and twitching. Now, the idea is to stay within the confines of the mat at all times. Instead of rolling around, I press my hands into the mat, kick my legs out, turn over, and lay down. Not only am I making smoother transitions (and saving precious energy), I'm making less of a spectacle and making things a bit more peaceful for those near me. 

So that's where I stand, except now it's Friday afternoon and I'm on the bus home. Then I grab my gear and head for the bus to the studio. Tomorrow is another off day, then back for more on Sunday.

Namaste. 

April Challenge: Days 6-10

Note: On April 1st, I began a 30 day Bikram Challenge. Here is the latest update. 

Days 6 & 7

For the first time in quite a while I am feeling good about my practice. That's part of what this challenge is about for me: falling back in love with the yoga. More importantly, it's about self care: stopping the self-loathing that I have been subjecting myself to. My food choices are improving as well. While the donut shop is still a player, I have not made those covert trips for fast food. More veggies, fewer processed foods, LOADS more water. Result? There is less stomach to suck in and forward bends are getting (slightly) easier. The one cup of coffee per day rule has been a bit tough -- I have cheated twice this week. 

Monday's class was ok. Just a quiet, solid effort. The most memorable item was a quote from our instructor:

"Always do backbends. Consider: you bend over backwards for a lot of other people. Do your backbends for yourself. Your spine equals your life."

Tuesday's class was the first one where I really started to sense improvement. For as long as I've practiced, getting my hands behind my heels in Hands-to-Feet pose has been impossible. I could get my hands underneath from the sides of my feet but never ever from behind. Now, if you've taken a Bikram class, you've heard the mantra, "Try the right way and you will get the full benefit". So, now, I tuck my elbows behind my legs and slide my hands down towards my heels. I'm not there yet but I finally get a sense of what the posture is truly supposed to feel like. 

                             Hands-to-Feet Pose -- The Goal

Day 8

With a couple of days coming up where yoga will be impossible, it was time for another double. With Wednesday being one of my work-study nights, I didn't want to take back to back classes. So, there I was at 5:30AM to take class from the studio owner. With only nine of us there, the class became a posture clinic. She went from person to person giving detailed instruction to each. For me, that moment came in Cobra, where she moved my heels together, then moved my elbows to touch my sides. Totally changed the pose for me. Cobra has always been a favorite of mine, and now 

it's even better.  That said, it was a difficult class. Morning classes mean no flexibility (couldn't reach my toes when doing sit-ups). I sat out Triangle. During the floor series, there were a couple of times when I started to feel anxious and shed a tear. It was ok. Yoga is not just for the body, it heals the mind as well. The night class was a vintage Bikram class. Very warm. Humid. Pretty full, too -- over 30 people all working together. Great energy in the room! It was the kind of class where you are soaking wet ten minutes in. It was a strong class for me. I attempted every posture and only fell out a few times. 

Day 9 

Worked hard to incorporate the lessons learned from the previous day. Found that forward bends are beginning to get easier because my gut is starting to shrink!! Long way to go, though. The big news, however, came on the floor. Since resuming my practice, Locust pose has always been tough. Raising one leg at a time is hard, and raising both legs up has just not been in the cards. I'm not sure how, but there I was on Thursday, doing all three segments of the pose. My back hurt like hell but I got it done! 

                          Locust Pose -- Third Part -- The Goal

Day 10

Friday found me tired and sore. I told myself that, with Saturday being a no-yoga day, I needed to work as hard as possible. To help with this I set my mat up on the front row (it's been a while since that happened -- I ended up being the only one on my side of the room to go up front). It also helped to have a senior instructor who gives no quarter (Try the right way..."). Felt like a rusty gate for the first 20 minutes, then I found my stride a bit. Standing Head-to-Knee was better: almost stayed on one leg for the duration. Standing Bow (another favorite) was really good: damn near got through all four without falling. My Triangle Pose was the best. Ever. Got deeper and held all four without falling. For the second straight class I did Locust with no issues. I felt so much better after class than I did when I walked in!!

As I said, today is a no-yoga day. Off to work, then one of the best events of the year: the Main St. Arts Festival. Have a great weekend!!

Namaste. 

Photos via BY Comox Valley and BY Bethesda

April Challenge: Days 1-5

As I wrote last time, I started a 30 day Bikram challenge on April 1st. From time to time during the month, I'll bring you up to speed. 

Days 1 & 2

Wednesday evening marked class number one. Sadly, the class was much the same as they have been these past two months. I felt like the dialogue was in an unknown language; that body and mind were both still weak and not communicating with each other. I faded in and out during the floor series, seemingly exhausted. Thursday's class wasn't much better: I simply felt (as I have for a while) that I just didn't belong there anymore. That yoga was turning into a sick torture I was imposing on myself. I wished I hadn't declared this challenge. I wanted to go home. The only reason I stayed was that I had been asked to work an extra cleaning shift so I really had no choice. I got through it, did my cleaning, and went home. I was soooo NOT into this challenge. 

Day 3

When you commit to a challenge, you realize that there will always be a day or two when getting to the studio will be impossible. For me, that means most Saturdays because of my job. This means that you will have to double up on classes on certain days.

Good Friday was one such day for me. I headed to the studio for the 4:30pm class hoping that it would be a large class. This way, I could set up near the back and just ease my way through -- kind of like a 90 minute stretching session. Then I could really give it a go in the 6:30 class.

Of course, no such luck. There were only nine of us in class so the instructor has us all line up on the second row so he can walk around and get a 360 degree view of the postures. I thought, "This will not go well."

How wrong could I be?

Because it was a small class, the instructor was able to be more one-on-one with each of us. He helped us with the finer points of alignment, even moving us physically (after asking permission to touch) to get us into better form. The result was I had the BEST class in weeks! I actually felt strong again. The dialogue made sense again. I felt calm again. It was beautiful. The tip he gave me was that really helped came in Floor Bow. He moved my hands down closer to my ankles in order to keep my wrists straight during the entire posture. It made a huge difference!


The 6:30 had a few more people but the next instructor just let us set up where we wanted. I started to feel wobbly as we got close to the end of the Standing Series, but had another (for me) strong class. I even allowed myself a smile as class ended. I'm most proud of the fact that in three hours of yoga, I attempted every posture, did every sit-up and very breathing exercise. The post-yoga shower was bliss.

Day 4

Saturday was a bonus. Having to go to work earlier than normal meant I could make the 3:00 class. Dashing straight to the studio from work meant little time to calm down and let the workday go. Started off a bit shaky but got my breathing under control. Balance was more of an issue, probably because I was taking my third class in exactly 24 hours. Felt really good but it was a tough class. Again, a very technical class with lots of corrections for everyone.

Day 5

Easter Sunday. Early morning rain made me want to stay in bed but I needed to get in and get done before I lost the will to go. I generally loathe morning classes because I am just not flexible. Plus, when you take the first class of the day, the room is hot but dry. No one has been sweating and the carpet is really dry which means I slip a lot when we are straddling the mat for three postures. I went in this morning with the word "gentle" in my mind. I was very careful to go easy because my body was so tight -- I didn't go as deep into postures because I was inflexible. I took breaks. How tight was I? When doing the situps, I could not reach or grab my toes. I wasn't even close. That's OK. I went. I tried my best. That is what counts.

So, six classes in five days. Not a bad start, but far to go. The next five to ten classes will show just what I am capable of -- if I stay present and focused and try the right way.

A friend reminded me this morning that Easter is about death and rebirth. Hoping to be reborn a stronger, wiser, better human being.

Namaste.

Challenges

So it's been over a month since a proper post. A difficult time. Last time I wrote about being overwhelmed by nearly every aspect of life. My practice was, to be kind, in disrepair. Insomnia reigned, and emotional eating was the norm. 

Now, one month on, things have at least settled a bit. One major stressor has been dealt with, but much healing remains to be done. Things that were strained or broken are being worked on, though there is no guarantee they can be properly fixed. My body still hurts. My emotions are still jumbled. Concentration and discipline are out there, somewhere. 

Over the last two weeks , I seriously considered putting my yoga practice on hiatus, if not quitting altogether. It wasn't fun anymore. Everything hurt. My body refused to work with me. I would leave class with my nerves shot, fighting off tears and emotions. I would dash across the street and comfort myself with a double cheeseburger. Or two. When riding the bus to work, I would indulge in donuts, breakfast croissants, and sausage rolls from a bakery on the bus route. When driving, there was always an extra stop for a burger or a soda. 

The result? Pounds packed on. No hydration. Muscles that refused to stretch or relax. An expanded belly that prohibits any forward fold (the fat pushes up against my lungs and I freak out because I cannot breath).

So, there I was last night at the studio, asking for a 30 day challenge chart. 

Would you run that by me again, please?

That's right. Instead of quitting, I committed to thirty straight days of yoga. 

Why?

First, I need the discipline. When you know that you will be going to class EVERY day, you will treat your body better. Loads more water. Less coffee. Veggies. No illicit trips for junk food. 

Second, I need the peace and quiet of the room. When the door closes, no one can hurt me. No one can get in my brain and put their feet up on the furniture, so to speak. I can work on quieting the voices in my head. I can try to FOCUS again. 

Finally, I am doing this simply to see if I CAN still do this. When I started my practice six years ago, I was so enamored of this yoga and its benefits that I did two 60 day challeges back to back. Lost 45 pounds but gained so much more in happiness, pride, and health. 

I want those feelings back. And more. 

Last night was class number one. It wasn't much better than any class in the past two months. That's ok. It doesn't happen overnight. A little better each day. The best part about last night's class came afterwards. When I told my work-study partner about the challenge, her eyes lit up and she asked, "Want me to do it with you? I will have to take mostly morning classes but we can text each other every day. Keep each other honest.  Cheer each other on."

And that is why I keep coming back to yoga. Even when you think you are alone on the path, you're really not. Whether your mat is next to mine or thousands of miles away, we truly are all in this together. 

Namaste. 

Pieces

Nothing more than some raw poetry at three in the morning. 

Pieces of people 

Are all you see

Never grasping the whole

Of what they might be

Look with your eyes

See with your heart

Take all of them in 

From the very start.

*************

Pieces on the floor

Tiny slivers, larger shards

Each a dagger, slicing me open

Wounds real and perceived

Draining me to the core.

*************

Pieces of a puzzle

Try to make them fit

Can't see the picture 

Make no sense of it

So tired 

Need to rest

Dawn comes

New day, new test

********************

We always share

Pieces of ourselves

Small, 

Carefully portioned and packaged

Giving you the best

Hiding the rest

The dark, the deep, 

The innermost parts we are not proud of

Or comfortable with. 

You take those few pieces

Try to make them fit

But there are always holes

And you cry, "To hell with it!"

Take all the pieces out,

Put them all together

It's the only path to love. 

Complete. 

Forever. 

Overwhelmed

After that fantastic class I wrote about in my last post (almost exactly a month ago), I thought my practice was on its way to a new level. I was feeling good. Strong. Dare I say, centered.

I thought wrong. Every class since has been a struggle. I seem to be regressing at an alarming rate. Postures that I loved are now difficult. The postures that I loathe are now impossible, or ignored altogether. Two weeks ago today, I went to the 9:30AM class. I thought I could work through it. Nope. I broke down to the point that while the class was going into Savasana, I rolled up my mat, showered, and hastily left the studio. As I walked to the bus, I wept.

I'm cranky. I'm short tempered. Last week marked 29 years at my job, and it's driving me nuts. Never meant to be there that long, and I feel like my life has been a waste. Add in issues with money, transport, and relationship, and long story short, I'm not in a good place. The clouds, ice, and snow of the past week have played havoc with work (long bus rides and never getting caught up) to yoga (only one class in a week --most classes cancelled), to food and sleep (the wrong kinds and too much of the former, never enough of the latter).

My cynical side is alive, well, and rampant. I read lots of tweets and articles from successful, inspirational people who simply want to share their successes, or tips for success/wellness/health. one of which posted the following saying:

"Those who say it can't be done need to move out of the way of those who are doing it."

I lost my cool and replied, "Consider me moved out of your way."

I shouldn't have done that, but I was pissed. Still am, really.

I mean, I bust my ass everyday just to do one thing I enjoy (yoga). Add in the normal, humdrum things one must do (shopping, cooking, laundry, sleep, etc) and there simply is no time for me to do anything else. The very cross, cynical me wants to know just how in the hell am I supposed to be so damn perfect? Where do I even START??  I'm 47. Going back to school seems pointless. I've NEVER known what to do with my life; probably never will. My practice is for shit. I cannot even reach my heels anymore in Hands-to-Feet. In the final part of Wind-Removing (the bit where you draw both legs into your chest while attempting to get your entire spine on the floor), I cannot breathe AT ALL. My gut squeezes my lungs to the point where I cannot draw in any air. I have returned to my old custom of wearing a shirt during class because I am ashamed of my food choices and my body. Everything hurts. I gasp for air. I combine a remarkable lack of balance with incredible weakness and ZERO confidence. 

I read lots of stuff about changing my eating habits. Moving to a more plant based diet. Improving my health. Improving my mental outlook. Trying to start a meditation practice. Finding what I really want to do with my life. Taking charge. I'm good at trying to help others be better people. I am very bad at taking care of myself. Can't be done. If it were possible, would I not have done it already? I see and read about people who are living the lives they dreamed of and I am equally happy (for them) and despondent/jealous.

I signed up for a posture clinic next week. Now I must cancel that. More issues/drama.

I'm overwhelmed, overfed, and undernourished.

"Those who say it can't be done need to move out of the way of those who are doing it."

I'll just move over here, shall I?

It.
Can't.
Be.
Done.


Peace.

A Tale of Four Classes

After practicing little over the past month, I've been able to string some classes together this week. It has been an interesting four days of yoga, to say the least...

Sunday morning 10AM: My first class in seven days. OUCH!! I was so tight and stiff. Everything just hurt. One of the staff told me that at one point, as he passed by the room, he saw me on my knees with my head in my hands. I don't remember that at all. It was one of those classes where nothing went right: weak, chasing my breath, falling out of postures at almost every turn. The high point of it all? The shower afterwards...

Monday 6:30PM: A very hard day of work with little time to prepare. Bad food choices and poor hydration contributed to the feeling that this class would be no better. Funny thing though: when I tweeted out that I was heading for class, a friend sent back a simple message:

"Do the posture!"

I don't know why or how, but suddenly I was galvanized to go in there and give it my all.

All I can say is: "Wow".

It was hot and the room was nearly full but it didn't matter. I was strong. I was focused.  I was in a yoga zone that I have never known. I did every posture. I think I sat out one set near the end. I cannot remember. All I know is that I think, for once, I completely surrendered myself to the yoga. I felt so calm and peaceful! Thinking of it now makes me wistful, to be honest. It was such a beautiful thing!!

Tuesday 6:30PM: Having issues with my job. Remarked that I could "...either go to class or choke someone out." Thankfully, I chose class. After Monday's high I was eager to see if I could build on it. I even set up in the hot corner on the front row. I tried to be as deliberate and strong as on the previous night but it just wasn't meant to be. It was a good class for the most part but I did have to exit the room between sets of Fixed-Firm. The heat was bouncing off the mirrors in that corner, and I started to feel a bit of panic. I got back in and finished class, but I just didn't feel as good. 

Wednesday 6:30PM: Woke up with sore hamstrings and leg/foot cramps. Not enough water or potassium. Spent most of my workday in a 36 degree dairy vault. All day, I thought of how nice that hot room would feel. I was not disappointed. Once again, I was on the front row (I didn't get there early like usual and the back rows fill up first). I started strong, working deeper into Half-Moon and almost getting a hand behind a heel in Hands-to-Feet. Even my Awkward was better, especially in the middle part. They always say, "The higher the toes, the easier the pose..". Not always, I backed off a bit and found it easier to balance. However, Triangle got me, as usual. I just couldn't hold it. I dialed it back a bit from there until the long Savasana. On the floor, sat out the second Camel and the first Rabbit, but finished out from there. All in all, a good, solid class. 

So, four days, four classes, four outcomes running the entire spectrum from disastrous to blissful. For the first time since resuming practice eleven months ago (can it really be a year already?), I felt the magic of this yoga again. For a short while on Monday, I felt like I stepped out of myself into a newer, better version of me. 

I need to get back there. That's the Mark I want to be. 

One more breath. 

One more posture. 

Namaste.