Pieces

Nothing more than some raw poetry at three in the morning. 

Pieces of people 

Are all you see

Never grasping the whole

Of what they might be

Look with your eyes

See with your heart

Take all of them in 

From the very start.

*************

Pieces on the floor

Tiny slivers, larger shards

Each a dagger, slicing me open

Wounds real and perceived

Draining me to the core.

*************

Pieces of a puzzle

Try to make them fit

Can't see the picture 

Make no sense of it

So tired 

Need to rest

Dawn comes

New day, new test

********************

We always share

Pieces of ourselves

Small, 

Carefully portioned and packaged

Giving you the best

Hiding the rest

The dark, the deep, 

The innermost parts we are not proud of

Or comfortable with. 

You take those few pieces

Try to make them fit

But there are always holes

And you cry, "To hell with it!"

Take all the pieces out,

Put them all together

It's the only path to love. 

Complete. 

Forever. 

Overwhelmed

After that fantastic class I wrote about in my last post (almost exactly a month ago), I thought my practice was on its way to a new level. I was feeling good. Strong. Dare I say, centered.

I thought wrong. Every class since has been a struggle. I seem to be regressing at an alarming rate. Postures that I loved are now difficult. The postures that I loathe are now impossible, or ignored altogether. Two weeks ago today, I went to the 9:30AM class. I thought I could work through it. Nope. I broke down to the point that while the class was going into Savasana, I rolled up my mat, showered, and hastily left the studio. As I walked to the bus, I wept.

I'm cranky. I'm short tempered. Last week marked 29 years at my job, and it's driving me nuts. Never meant to be there that long, and I feel like my life has been a waste. Add in issues with money, transport, and relationship, and long story short, I'm not in a good place. The clouds, ice, and snow of the past week have played havoc with work (long bus rides and never getting caught up) to yoga (only one class in a week --most classes cancelled), to food and sleep (the wrong kinds and too much of the former, never enough of the latter).

My cynical side is alive, well, and rampant. I read lots of tweets and articles from successful, inspirational people who simply want to share their successes, or tips for success/wellness/health. one of which posted the following saying:

"Those who say it can't be done need to move out of the way of those who are doing it."

I lost my cool and replied, "Consider me moved out of your way."

I shouldn't have done that, but I was pissed. Still am, really.

I mean, I bust my ass everyday just to do one thing I enjoy (yoga). Add in the normal, humdrum things one must do (shopping, cooking, laundry, sleep, etc) and there simply is no time for me to do anything else. The very cross, cynical me wants to know just how in the hell am I supposed to be so damn perfect? Where do I even START??  I'm 47. Going back to school seems pointless. I've NEVER known what to do with my life; probably never will. My practice is for shit. I cannot even reach my heels anymore in Hands-to-Feet. In the final part of Wind-Removing (the bit where you draw both legs into your chest while attempting to get your entire spine on the floor), I cannot breathe AT ALL. My gut squeezes my lungs to the point where I cannot draw in any air. I have returned to my old custom of wearing a shirt during class because I am ashamed of my food choices and my body. Everything hurts. I gasp for air. I combine a remarkable lack of balance with incredible weakness and ZERO confidence. 

I read lots of stuff about changing my eating habits. Moving to a more plant based diet. Improving my health. Improving my mental outlook. Trying to start a meditation practice. Finding what I really want to do with my life. Taking charge. I'm good at trying to help others be better people. I am very bad at taking care of myself. Can't be done. If it were possible, would I not have done it already? I see and read about people who are living the lives they dreamed of and I am equally happy (for them) and despondent/jealous.

I signed up for a posture clinic next week. Now I must cancel that. More issues/drama.

I'm overwhelmed, overfed, and undernourished.

"Those who say it can't be done need to move out of the way of those who are doing it."

I'll just move over here, shall I?

It.
Can't.
Be.
Done.


Peace.

A Tale of Four Classes

After practicing little over the past month, I've been able to string some classes together this week. It has been an interesting four days of yoga, to say the least...

Sunday morning 10AM: My first class in seven days. OUCH!! I was so tight and stiff. Everything just hurt. One of the staff told me that at one point, as he passed by the room, he saw me on my knees with my head in my hands. I don't remember that at all. It was one of those classes where nothing went right: weak, chasing my breath, falling out of postures at almost every turn. The high point of it all? The shower afterwards...

Monday 6:30PM: A very hard day of work with little time to prepare. Bad food choices and poor hydration contributed to the feeling that this class would be no better. Funny thing though: when I tweeted out that I was heading for class, a friend sent back a simple message:

"Do the posture!"

I don't know why or how, but suddenly I was galvanized to go in there and give it my all.

All I can say is: "Wow".

It was hot and the room was nearly full but it didn't matter. I was strong. I was focused.  I was in a yoga zone that I have never known. I did every posture. I think I sat out one set near the end. I cannot remember. All I know is that I think, for once, I completely surrendered myself to the yoga. I felt so calm and peaceful! Thinking of it now makes me wistful, to be honest. It was such a beautiful thing!!

Tuesday 6:30PM: Having issues with my job. Remarked that I could "...either go to class or choke someone out." Thankfully, I chose class. After Monday's high I was eager to see if I could build on it. I even set up in the hot corner on the front row. I tried to be as deliberate and strong as on the previous night but it just wasn't meant to be. It was a good class for the most part but I did have to exit the room between sets of Fixed-Firm. The heat was bouncing off the mirrors in that corner, and I started to feel a bit of panic. I got back in and finished class, but I just didn't feel as good. 

Wednesday 6:30PM: Woke up with sore hamstrings and leg/foot cramps. Not enough water or potassium. Spent most of my workday in a 36 degree dairy vault. All day, I thought of how nice that hot room would feel. I was not disappointed. Once again, I was on the front row (I didn't get there early like usual and the back rows fill up first). I started strong, working deeper into Half-Moon and almost getting a hand behind a heel in Hands-to-Feet. Even my Awkward was better, especially in the middle part. They always say, "The higher the toes, the easier the pose..". Not always, I backed off a bit and found it easier to balance. However, Triangle got me, as usual. I just couldn't hold it. I dialed it back a bit from there until the long Savasana. On the floor, sat out the second Camel and the first Rabbit, but finished out from there. All in all, a good, solid class. 

So, four days, four classes, four outcomes running the entire spectrum from disastrous to blissful. For the first time since resuming practice eleven months ago (can it really be a year already?), I felt the magic of this yoga again. For a short while on Monday, I felt like I stepped out of myself into a newer, better version of me. 

I need to get back there. That's the Mark I want to be. 

One more breath. 

One more posture. 

Namaste. 

Just give me a minute...

I need to get some things out...

I love yoga... once I get to the studio... It is really difficult to get there some days -- especially, for me, during the winter. I just want to eat, drink coffee, and hibernate. I bet I've gained 12-15 lbs. since Thanksgiving. As a result...

I feel like a failure a lot these days. Seems like I'm just "treading water" in the room. In some respects, I have regressed -- I couldn't tell you the last time I was able to grab my heels in Hands-to-Feet pose -- mostly because I cannot suck enough of my stomach in. I feel really tense, and extremely inflexible.

It seems like I'm in a fog most of the time. Perhaps it would be better to say I feel like I'm underwater. Every so often, when I can break the surface and take a breath, I can clearly see the things I need to do to better myself -- I can see the path. Then, I sink back down into the everyday, mindless, numbing daily routine. Before I know it, days have passed before I realize I'm right where I was because it is the next time I "break the surface" and realize I haven't done anything -- again. Did that make any sense at all ?

I am thankful for work-study. Twice a week, I get to spend an extra hour in the room while I clean it. More sweat. It's quiet. I can think. It's peaceful. Best two hours of my week sometimes.

I still have horrible eating habits. In some ways it has improved, but not today. Lunch (coffee for  breakfast) was leftover fajitas with way too much rice and tons of chips with almost a pint of hot sauce (all this while watching "Hungry For Change" for the umpteenth time on Netflix). I ate until I couldn't eat anymore, then I ate more, as if I might not eat for a week. When I go to the store, I grab a cookie or two for the drive home. Sometimes I stop at McD's on the way home. I have taken to buying donuts every morning at work... after stopping at another McD's for breakfast and coffee. Food has fully replaced nicotine for me (but at least it is now 11 months since I had a smoke!).

Sometimes, I just want to give up. Quit. Pack it in. Nice try, but you fell short. Get fat and die early like my mom. Smoke my way to pneumonia, cancer, and respiratory failure like some of my relatives. Be diabetic and lose limbs like so many people I've seen.

No.

No.

NO!!!

I can't do that. 

Long way to go.

Just take another step.

One more breath.

One more posture.

One more breath.

One more posture.

#gotoyoga

#just breathe

Peace.

  

Up Front

By now at least some of you know that I am not a fan of practicing on the front row. I've got my spots on the second or third row that I love, and the corner spot on the fourth row for those times when by body doesn't feel bendy or I have eaten like a pig for a day or two. I know you aren't supposed to get attached to one spot in the room but it's all too easy to stay in the same spot for each class.

One afternoon a couple of weeks ago I was in my usual spot: second row on the right (hot) side of the room. One woman on the front row, nobody behind us. Then another woman took the spot in the corner to my right on the front row. Then with time winding down before class began, Florence (one of our instructors) took a third spot in the front. Still, there was no one behind me. So, for some reason, I grabbed my gear and took the last spot up front between Florence and the woman in the corner. 

"Feeling all alone. Thought I'd join you", I whispered to Florence. She beamed and gave me a high five. 

As class commenced, our instructor, Shannon, advised that he was not going to adjust the fans on our side due to a broken switch. Florence, who likes the room warmer than most, gave a thumbs up. 

"Yikes. What did I just do?", was my thought. 

So, off we went. As we started the second set of Pranayama, a regular front row student came in and, finding no room up front, took my original spot in the second row. 

"Damn! I knew I should have stayed put!". Quickly I calmed down and got on with the class. 

The biggest advantage to being up front is obviously getting an unobstructed view of yourself. Extra important for me since things are blurry without my glasses. Up front, you're not looking past people. It truly is easier to focus in on yourself. It also sucks, especially when I look at my body. As stated before, I hate looking in any mirror: studio, bath, or otherwise. Negative thoughts creep in about my shape, my weight, my lack of balance, etc. On the front row it was worse, especially when practicing next to or in front of such proficient students. Example: in Standing Head-to-Knee I know these ladies are all kicking out beautifully while I'm fumbling about trying to grab my foot while keeping my knee locked. In Standing Bow I know they are all rock steady while I'm working hard to keep my balance and not crash into one of them. As in many areas, I felt like I really did not belong in the front row. I felt out of place. 

The other big reason is that the heat always seems more intense up front. Now I like the hot side of the room, but on the front row it's REALLY hot. Why? Because the heat bounces off the mirrors and back at you. When the fans are on higher settings, the heat comes off the mirrors even faster. It's like being in a convection oven! Now, I sweat a lot in class, but I swear it was even worse in the front row. My work-study partner says she feels her skin get hotter when she is next to the mirrors. 

I made it through the class pretty well. I did lay out during stretching - I simply had nothing left. Being up front, and practicing alongside an instructor, did make me give a more honest effort and my postures were, in fact, better. No taking it easy in a posture. No sitting out Triangle. No doing only one set of Rabbit. 

Taking a chance and moving up front must have done something inside me as well. Why? Well this past Thursday I was able to take an extra class (normally it is tough to make a Thursday). There was a lady in my normal spot on the second row, so I just took a spot a couple of paces to her right. After a few minutes, I thought, "What the hell", and moved up to the front row and assumed Savasana. When the lights came on, I rose up to discover that the lady in question had followed me up to the front row. 

You never know how your actions affect others...

Namaste.  

PS: Last week I was on the front row for a third time... What is going on?...

The Holiday Post -- 2014

This post has appeared in various forms here and elsewhere. It changes a bit each year. Enjoy!

I know. The holidays are here. Rushing here and there. Looking for just the right gift. Planning the big meal.

Lights and tinsel and food, oh my! 

There are so many things to do. So many places to go, people to meet. 

Before all that, however, let's slow down. Just for a moment. Take a deep breath, and exhale slowly. 

It's not about mass consumerism and delayed flights and, "Just one more slice of pie..."

Give me a moment. It won't take very long. I have a few thoughts I want to share. 


1) If you are traveling, I hope your trip goes well and you get there and back safe and sound.

2) If you are in the military (of any nation) and the holidays find you far away, know that we are truly thankful for the sacrifices you make every day of the year. Godspeed and I hope you are with your loved ones very soon.

3) When you are with your loved ones, hug them. Hug them again.  Hug them harder. You just never know when (or IF)  you'll get that chance again.

3a) If there are children at your gathering, hold them, hug them, laugh and play silly games with them. Watch the sparkle in their eyes. Let go. Be a kid again. The cold, hard world will still be there tomorrow.

4) If you are at odds with someone, extend the olive branch. Call. Write. E-mail. Send a telegram. Send smoke signals. Try anything. Try everything. Try to make peace. Just try. Maybe nothing happens. Maybe great things happen. 

5) Never Forget: There are a great many people in need. Give what you can. The Red Cross, The Salvation Army, your local homeless shelter, women's shelter, soup kitchen, your local food bank... all would appreciate whatever you can give. Food, clothing, cash, doesn't matter. It all goes to improve someone's life (and therefore the world) just a little bit.

6) Never Forget II: Our four legged friends need a hand, too. The local Humane Society or SPCA can always use food or bedding for their charges. Perhaps you are looking for a new "furever" friend. Consider a shelter pet. 

7) Eat, drink, and be merry!!! If you choose to enjoy a drink, don't drive. Please. Call a cab. Call a friend. Anything. 

8) Laugh out loud. Do a silly dance. Let someone know just exactly how special they are to you.

9) Finally, perhaps most importantly, take some for yourself. Reflect. Take stock of things. Take a long walk and consider your life. What do you like? What needs changing? Seek advice. Write it out. Do whatever you need to start the new year out right. 

Love and Peace to all. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to one and all!!!

Giving Thanks

It is Thanksgiving Day. A time for family, food, and football.
Here it has been a beautiful, sunny day. Nice and cool.

So, before the turkey knocks me out, a few things I am thankful for:

A job and a home.

Family and friends -- extra special at this time of year. Tomorrow will be the sixth anniversary of my Mom's passing. The holidays will always be a bit darker but time heals.

For all of those who serve the nation, especially those of my friends in the Armed Forces, Thank You!! May you soon be home with your loved ones!!!

While I couldn't make the single class today, I am thankful that, after two weeks of a cold, a respiratory infection, and an asthma attack, I made class the last three nights, and they were great!!

My yoga practice in general: the fact that once again I can practice regularly, the friendships renewed, the new friendships formed, the knowledge that, slowly but surely, I am building a better version of me. I cannot begin to describe what being back in that room means to me.

Quitting smoking: Over ten months now and I have no cravings whatsoever. In fact, the smell of a cigarette is repellent to me!!

Last but certainly not least: YOU!!!  If you read this, Thank You! If you are a Twitter friend, Thank You! If you are a long distance yoga buddy, Thank You! Your energy and support are appreciated!

Hoping the holiday weekend is full of joy... and a yoga class or two...

Much love to all!!!

Meet Me In The Orchard

Meet me in the orchard 

And we'll walk among the trees. 

We can drink in the sun and dance together barefoot until we fall, 

Laughing, to our knees. 

We can sing the song in our hearts, we can lift it to the sky 

Without fear of reprisal

or someone asking, "Why?"

For a while, we can leave behind the anger, disappointment, and pain. 

We can hold each other close, and, for a precious moment, become one once again. 

So meet me in the orchard. 

Please hurry. Time is short. 

For soon I must be leaving you

And set sail for my soul's next port. 

Cored

Recently, my Bikram studio started offering what is called a "Core Class". One of our fantastic instructors is a physiotherapist with 19 years experience. He has put together an hour long routine of sit-ups, lunges, crunches, and yoga poses to help build up the core muscles of your body. The routine differs almost every class to insure proper development of all the core muscles. 

At first I was all-in for this. I mean, what an opportunity, right? This can do nothing but help me, right? 

Right?

I hate it. 

I knew I was weak and unfit, but good God!! While everyone else (and I do mean EVERYONE ELSE) is knocking out set after set, I have collapsed on the floor gasping for air and wishing that my stomach would stop hurting. I am undoubtedly the least able person in there. I get flustered because I'm not the most coordinated and I fall behind the rest of the class. I get embarrassed. I want to leave. I want to run away.

I want to quit. 

Never mind that I felt a lot of improvement from the first class to the second. About halfway through each class I want to leave. And maybe get a cheeseburger. 

It has taught me one thing. 

I have no core. Physical or mental. 

I have no reserve to draw on when life throws more stress at me. I have no source of strength to call upon when the instructor is tacitly trying to coax me off the mat to please attempt at least one set of Triangle. I haven't the strength to tell myself that I really don't need a third cheese danish. Or a fourth. Or a fifth. (This actually happened one morning last week. I actually stuffed eight danishes down my throat. I'm not proud.) I personify weakness. 

Now that I know the full extent of my weakness, I also realize what it will take to repair the damage. It will be a daunting task to say the least. I really don't know if I have the stomach for it (pun intended). It means changing more things than I realized. Carving out more time for classes. Making better food choices (while on a tight budget). Loving myself more. Maybe even learning to get up and eat breakfat so I can avoid the eight-danish fiascos. First and foremost, it simply means developing a backbone. A true and healthy spine. Part of having a strong spine entails... you guessed it... a strong core. 

Of course, I would be doing this on the eve of the two biggest food holidays on the calendar: Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

I'm doomed. 

Quitter

I am a quitter.

Yes, I am.

I have quit a lot of times in my life. Some for the better, some for the worse.

I have quit smoking -- several times (I think this time it has taken hold for good -- fingers crossed).

I have quit drinking (not because of an abuse issue -- I simply have no more tolerance for it. One drink and the room is spinning.)

I quit college. Couldn't balance going to class and working 40 hours or more each week. 

I quit dating for a decade or so. I had better things to do than be continuously turned down or dumped.

I quit trying to advance at work. Actually I never really tried to advance. Just too much stress -- and the fact that I make as much or more when paid hourly as opposed to being on salary. 

I quit being lazy and start exercising more. Then I quit exercising because I'm tired and/or lazy. I quit junk food and start eating healthier, then I quit eating healthy because the junk is less expensive (or free in the break room fridge since the deli sends their day old subs and salads and sweets back for us).

You get the point. No matter what I am doing or attempting, I quit what I'm doing, and do the opposite, either because the effort is seemingly too much to give or because the expense is too great. 

Over and over and over again. The cycle spins ever onward. There seems to be no way to stop it. 

Yoga is one of the few things I haven't quit. That said, I am a quitter in the hot room as well. I fall out of poses and quit trying. I don't even attempt some poses. At the first twitch or pull or ache, I quit. When I know I have it in me to do the next pose, I quit and lay down -- or just leave the room. 

I quit quite a lot these days. I have regressed in many of the poses, so much so that I spend a lot of time staring down at my toes because I can't stand to see myself in the mirror.  Sometimes I wonder why I'm there at all. It would be simpler to stop practicing. It would be easier just to while away my spare time watching TV or surfing the net. It would be easier to get fat (fatter) and not give a damn. 

Yet, there I am, unrolling my mat, trying to stretch, and  standing up with the sound of the gong to begin class. Day after day. Evening after evening. 

Yoga is the place where I am trying to learn how not to quit. 

So far, so good. 

Peace. 

  

Under The Autumn Moon

I want to walk with you, hand in hand,

Under the autumn moon. 

I want to learn about you and how you came to be:

Were you an only child, were you one of two or three?

Were your parents there for you? Was there hostility?

Did you have friends who cared for you, or were you always lampooned?

What memories do you carry with you

Under the autumn moon?

I want to walk with you, arm in arm,

Under the autumn moon.

I want to learn more about you 

And how you came to be. 

Tell me how it felt

The first time your heart fluttered,

The first time you kissed someone,

The first "I love you" uttered. 

Did you give your heart of your own free will,

Or was it stolen away?

Was it treated well, then given back, 

Or was it crushed, broken, left to decay?

Does your heart still ache, or are you now immune?

Speak to me of your heart 

Under the autumn moon. 

Stay with me a little longer

Under the autumn moon. 

I want to share myself with you; 

Tell you how I came to be. 

I want you to know my hopes and fears, 

And the things that I've done wrong. 

Let me tell you of dreams undone

And my favorite dancing song. 

I'll tell you what stirs my soul

And sets my heart afire. 

I'll tell you how much I fear this life

And of the people I admire. 

So sit with me a little longer,

For the sun is rising soon.

Sit, and talk, and laugh with me

Under the autumn moon. 

Burn The Leaves

Autumn comes again,
the land begins to cool.
The summer's heat dissipates --
dreams and passions never do.

Winter has yet to show
its cold and furrowed brow.
Spring is many months away.
The time to clean is now!


The trees have just begun to turn
from green to red and gold.
But this is not a time to grieve --
Rise up! Stand tall!!
Be bold!!

Gather up the leaves!
Pile them high in the setting sun
And along with those dying leaves pile up
the broken dreams
the silent regrets
the hopes that have been undone.

You see, in nature nothing is lost;
Matter merely changes form
As a phoenix must dissolve into ash
In order to be reborn.

So set that pile of leaves alight.
Watch them smolder and burn.
Warm yourself in the soft firelight
and let renewed hopes and dreams return.




  Copyright 2014 by Do The Posture

10 Things I Love... About Myself

Let's get one thing straight: I don't mind taking someone up on a dare once in a while. Hell, it was basically a dare that got me into Bikram Yoga in the first place. That being said, I have accepted a dare from one of my Twitter friends to write this post.

You see, when asked how I would describe myself, it is usually in a disparaging manner. Something like this:

 Sarcastic. Hates to leave comfort zone. Fears change. Small talent for writing. Yes, hopeless romantic. Afraid to chase dreams.

Upon reading this, one of my Twitter friends dared me to write ten things that I love about myself. I've never been terribly adept at focusing on my better qualities, and for a good while I stared at a notebook page with nothing more than a title, a dedication, and a bit of text that had been scratched out and scrawled over. However, after a time I got one, then another, and then another. I have, as much as possible, resisted the urge to edit or redact anything -- the first time through is the most honest and meaningful. Aside from checking grammar and usage, here is how it went down from my screw loose brain to the paper:

For SR.

Ten Things I Love About Myself

1) My sense of humor: It is very dry and sarcastic at times, but I can generally make you smile, at least.

2) Handshakes/Hugs: High/Low Five, fist bump, handshake, full-on hug. You need one? Come here. I have been told I give good hugs.

3) Cooking: I won't earn a Michelin star anytime soon, but I can feed you pretty well. Celiac or gluten free? I can work my way around that. Like grilled meats? I'm the guy.

4) Baldness: Fought the good fight for a long time but once I took it down to the wood I felt free. I believe I look better without hair. Aside from a small dent or two, it looks good!

5) Step-parent: Although we never married, I have been able to participate in raising two children from the time they were 8-9 years old to the successful people they are today. Proud of that. Even more proud of them.

6) Need something?: My last dollar? My last smoke (back in the day)? Need a secret kept? Someone to talk to? I will do my best to help, at least until I find your motives are insincere. Then, being a Scorpio, the stinger must be put to use...

7) Giving is better: In any facet of life, I've always felt happier when giving than receiving. Getting something is always nice, but giving always feels more meaningful.

8) Singing: I don't have a great voice, but you can often hear me humming or quietly singing a tune. Beatles to The Bravery, Miles Davis to The Arctic Monkeys, I like a lot of different music.

9) I love to write: Used to write a lot from a young age. I remember writing a story in my 5th grade English class about getting a new bicycle and I recall using the phrase "on it's maiden voyage". When asked to read it aloud to the class, I edited myself and said "the first time I rode it". I wanted to avoid getting called a nerd for using such "fancy words". I have been editing myself ever since... 

10) I practice yoga: I don't get there often enough. For now. I'm not as proficient as I would like to be. For now. That said, I love it. It helps me deal with life. It tries to teach me to be a better person. Being a stubborn man, the lessons don't always stick, but I keep going back. One day, the lessons will stick. When that happens, look out!!!

Well, there you are, my friend. Thank you for reading, and thank you for the challenge!!

Namaste.