31 December 2016

Looking Back, Looking Forward

My fifteenth and final entry for 2016.

I sit here in my bedroom and try to put 366 days into words. Historians will certainly have much to say about this year. Political upheaval. Humanitarian failures. The loss of iconic celebrities. Hell, even the Cubs and Cavaliers won championships in their respective sports.

However, all of that is the province of historians to analyze. As for me?

(Pours a Bushmills. Neat.)

I learned how ungrateful some people can be.
I learned how destructive some people can be.
I learned (well, relearned) how hateful people can be.
I watched people in pure anguish fearing for their children, their parents, their future.
I (once again) was forced to "make things work" after yet another decision was made without consulting me, or by ignoring my wishes outright.
I watched co-workers become more and more bitter, burned out, and leave.
I shed more tears than I have in a long time (including Christmas morning and this morning).

My year in yoga was difficult as well. I attempted another long duration challenge. My last goal was 120 days but I stopped at 104. It was the complete opposite of the previous year: instead of improving and feeling better and better, it was horrible. It was like trying to practice in quicksand at times. It got so bad I couldn't even make myself walk in the room at times. Then in November, the studio was forced to close its doors -- attendance had dwindled so that continued operation became untenable. I was part of the collective mourning of my yoga friends as they scrambled to find new or similar venues. I'm still searching for a full time studio -- and the money to pay for it (work-study was such a blessing).

Without a regular yoga practice, and with the holidays looming, I retreated to darkness. Depression. Hopelessness. For the last six weeks, I have had the most empty feeling most of the time. Eating half of Fort Worth hasn't helped. I hesitate to step on the scale but I will do so tomorrow just to see where I'm starting from. I turn 50 in ten months... right now I feel like I'm 70. I feel empty. Used up. Nothing left to give.

On the good side, I rediscovered writing. If you follow my Twitter account, you see I post poetry there. I truly enjoy writing, and I have met so many fellow writers who encourage and inspire me. I am also part of an extended yoga family that has kept up with and encouraged each other since the studio closed. My yoga journey is not over by any means. I simply have to figure out how to make it happen. Lastly, there a few people that I hold dearest to me. People that check in, make sure I'm ok, let me rant or cry, and basically keep me going. I may not see them often, if at all, but they are quite special to me.

So, for 2017:
I have to figure out how to make LIFE happen again. I've been on this merry-go-round far too long. I cannot bear the thought of taking another turn. I have places to go. People to see. Yoga to practice. Time is short for all of us. I have a lot of life to live and love to give. I matter. I have meaning. My life has meaning.

I am enough.
I am enough.
I am enough.

Thank you for reading and following. Hang with me a little longer.

You. Are. Loved.



  1. Mark, I ran across your blog a few weeks ago and started from the beginning. I decided not to jump ahead but to follow each entry. It took me a few weeks to get to your most current entry; I found myself so drawn in to your story and your writing. I kept hoping throughout that I would get to the end and that you would still be a current, active blogger. I was so happy to see that your last post was just a few months ago. And hopeful that I would be able to reach you with some encouragement. To give back a little of what you have given to me. You have a gift, and have truly inspired me. I am also a fellow yogi who is still trying to figure out my dream, one who is using the yoga to learn and grow, one who struggles with my reflection and the unreasonable quest for perfection. Just wanted to say thank you. You are a special, real, and giving person. I hope that this year is going well for you, that you are feeling good about yourself, and that you are fueling yourself with positivity and the goodness you deserve--no matter what the yoga may look like. Please keep writing! Namaste.

    1. Lisa: To be honest, I haven't thought much about the blog since posting this entry. Your comments nearly brought me to tears. To think that you read it from first post to last and found it worthwhile is very gratifying. I'm stunned beyond words. I have not practiced much and honestly I'm not sure if I will ever have a regular practice again. That said, I have already bookmarked your blog and am going to read it beginning tonight.

      If you wish to discuss further catch me on Twitter @do_the_posture or dotheposture@gmail.com