21 July 2016

Nothing Feels Right

Sitting down here at the keyboard with approximately 90 minutes to go before leaving for the studio. When last we met I explained why I was stopping my latest Bikram challenge. I intended to take a few days - maybe the weekend - and rest before getting back in the room.

The layoff was 22 days. Just over three weeks of doing nothing but going to work, eating a shitload of processed/fast/junk food, and going to bed. That's it. Nothing else.

I would tell myself, "I'll go tomorrow. I just need some more rest."

Or, "I have to be up early tomorrow. I should stay home."

Or, "Fuck it. I'm not going."

If I wasn't talking myself out of class, I was eating myself out of class. I would leave work, jump in my car, drive across the parking lot to McDonalds and order a meal. Super sized. Sometimes with an extra burger or nuggets. Some days it was calculated, some days it just "happened" -- I was not thinking. It became "routine". I would inhale all of the food and soda on the way home, stuffing myself so I couldn't possibly go to class -- I would just get sick if I did. Last week, I bought a scale: I'm back over 250 lbs.and climbing. The house is empty save for two of us. We work different schedules with different physical and time demands. When we both are home, it is usually late. No one wants to cook or has time. So, it's the same processed, fast food choices every night (save for the weekends but even then neither of us wants to go about prepping and cooking a bunch of food.) I have broken out the juicer several times over the past month, but even that becomes a whip: assemble juicer, peel and chop fruits and veg, extract the juice, then disassemble/clean/sanitize the juicer. It takes just as long to produce 2-3 liters of juice as it does to actually cook a meal. So after a few days, the juicing stops. In the fridge right now there are 1 1/3 XL Supreme pizzas that we ordered last night. The local joint's special is Buy 1 Get 1 Free. So, we get two pies each trip (once every week-10 days). If cautious we get three meals from them. If  I'm ravenous (or just in a mood), it's two. Before that it was the big box of fried chicken with all the sides. Some nights it's something from the SmoothieKing down the street -- only slightly healthier than the other items.

Obviously, this does me no good if I'm trying to do yoga. To be honest, it's been my reason NOT to practice.

Two days ago,  I returned to the chamber for the first time in three weeks. Walking into the chamber was a minor miracle in itself. As I set up my mat, the feelings of failure began. My shoulders began to hurt. My hips suddenly felt like they were on fire. I just knew this was going to suck.

As you can surmise, it did not go well. It was just like most of the classes during my challenge. Well, actually, it was worse. I had to retreat to the locker room and change into a larger pair of shorts -- the pair I had on wouldn't stay laced. I took my first breath in Pranayama and realized I couldn't inhale for six full seconds, to say nothing of the exhale. I started yawning again and again and again. I couldn't keep my arms over my head. I lost my balance doing the first backbend. When I tried to fold forward for Hands-to-Feet, both my bowling-ball gut and the sudden twinges in my back made me stop short. I won't bore you with the rest. Suffice to say that 25 minutes in, I was sitting on the floor, head bowed, staring at my mat, ignoring every subtle suggestion (plea?) from the instructor to get up and try anything. Why bother? I'll just be right back down here in minutes... no, seconds...

So, here we are, an hour away from the gong sounding.

I can already feel my body resist, feel the pain rising, but I said to myself this morning that I would go.

So, off I go.

But it doesn't feel right.

Not at all.

I keep wondering when I'm going to be like the others in class.When it's finally going to click?
Why am I the odd one?

Epilogue: I am back home and writing this with 23 minutes remaining in that class. Left the room at "Party Time" (25 min in). As soon as I walked in I got more and more tense and my body started to hurt. Couldn't come close to doing any of the opening postures, and my breathing was for shit -- had to stop Pranayama and restart three different times. Oh well, plenty of pizza left for dinner. -- M.

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