09 March 2016

Storm Clouds

It's 4AM. An insanely loud clap of thunder jolted me awake an hour ago, and I doubt I'll get any sleep in the next 90 minutes, so what the heck?

Sunday's class was actually not bad. Got a little deeper in a few poses. Good heat and energy in the room. Monday, however, was quite different. I reverted to the form of the previous four months. 

It was a really stressful day on all fronts, and it showed in class. Yawned my way through Pranayama. My shoulders ached and I couldn't get them much past parallel. As soon as I tried to move in Half-Moon, my back hurt. Awkward was a joke (again), and I was useless in Eagle. I felt powerless to turn the tide, so at Party Time I bailed. Not only from the room, but from the studio. Drove down the street and inhaled a bacon double cheeseburger, a mountain of fries and a vat of soda. I felt better... for a minute. I returned to the studio to clean and the instructor approached and asked if I was ok. I said no but I was working on it. 

"You couldn't stay with me in the room?"

"Body said no. Mind said no. I didn't want to become a distraction to those around me."

As an aside: I am really REALLY tiring of all the "mind over matter" and "you are strong enough" type of phrases I'm hearing in the room. If the "matter" (in this case my body) is too tired or too stressed or too whatever to move, all the coaxing and cajoling in the world by my mind will not matter. At all.  No, I do not have the strength or intestinal fortitude to get back up and once again fall out of Triangle. Or fall out of Balancing Stick. And I'm too damned fat to even try Rabbit right now. 

PLEASE UNDERSTAND: it's not the instructors. It's me. I'm not ready to hear positive affirmations. I'm struggling, and really fighting myself, my body, and my postures. It hurts. 

Thank you. Now back to our regularly scheduled post...

Tuesday was not quite as bad. Instructor was new to our studio but very good. She has an almost melodic delivery and is quite knowledgeable. My class wasn't much better than Monday, but I did stay in the room. Yes, she was positive and exhorted us to go further and told us we were strong and we can do this and so on. 

Unfortunately I'm really not hearing any of that for the thunderclaps in my head. I cannot find the blue skies for all the storm clouds passing through. 

PostScript: Last night the instructor from Monday left a note for me:

"One Asana at a time. One breath at a time. You CAN do it! Give yourself permission to get to the other side of the struggle. It's worth it, I believe with all my heart that you know that"

Off to work soon. Then back in the room. 

"The only way out is through."


1 comment:

  1. Love this. I have been going through a challenging period with my practice, I got so discouraged because I wasn't up to my high expectations that I attended class less. And I'm going to say, that was OK. And it's OK that I'm going more lately. I have come to a new place...I used to push myself so much, I was hurting myself. I finally got it: only I know my body and its limitations, and by being attuned to that, even in the hot room with a lot of external pressure, I have a better practice than I did when I pushed everything to the limit. Yoga is a part of my life, it's not ALL of my life. I also had a cheeseburger last night after class. And it was great. Keep on keeping on!