24 August 2015

Suffering, continued

So last night after writing "Suffering", I'm having a conversation with a friend on Twitter. He asks me how many posts I've written and that I should consider curating an "e-book". I really didn't think much about it. I mean, I have never EVER considered such a thing. This morning, just a few minutes ago in fact, another friend echoed that sentiment and even challenged me to go through with the idea. 

My response? 

First, nervous laughter. They really aren't serious. They can't be. I'm not a writer. Not really. I just write

Then when it was thought that I had accepted the challenge, outright panic. I said, "no. No. NO!!!". That was followed by an outright, "STOP!!". I was shaking. I wanted to run. Hide. Stick my head in the sand. Go and get donuts. 

Well, I held off on the donuts (just coffee). I began to consider my response to this event. It didn't take long to realize that how I responded to this "e-book" idea was how I have responded to most every portend of change in my life. With panic, distrust, and fear. 

The idea of a publishing a book. 
Accepting promotion at work. 
Finding a different line of work. 
Going back to school. 
Becoming a yoga instructor (Bikram or otherwise). 

Basically, anything that threatens to upset the status quo is an anathema to me. "Better the devil you know..." is my motto. Anything different and my knees buckle, my stomach turns, and I turn red and start sweating. The same response as when we were forced into square dance lessons in 7th grade gym class and I stumbled into classmate after classmate, or when that girl asked me to the Sadie Hawkins dance in high school, or when I would be asked (time after time after time) to consider moving to a management position. 

I make excuses. I make self deprecating jokes. I change the subject. I leave the room. I tweet, "STOP!!". 

My heart whispers to me, but I don't hear it. 

I don't want to hear it. 

I'm afraid to listen. 

1 comment:

  1. The universe is supporting you. It's daring you even. Lean into the discomfort. It's hard, I know. Fear gets to wrapped up in everything and creates a mess. It's trying to keep you safe, but the truth is, you're always really safe. Even when it's scary, you are always fully supported. Dare to live your dreams. Lean on friends along the way. We're here to hold space. Give yourself permission to RECEIVE. We so often have such difficulty opening ourselves up to receiving the magic that's all around us. What would Danielle LaPorte say? "What will you do to feel the way you want to feel?" It's so fucking scary to give ourselves that gift. I know, because that's what I'm doing right now. It's hard fucking work to untangle ourselves from the mantras of Western society and just surrender into what we have been dreaming of. It's such a beautiful thing though. Sending you love and light and the wish you will listen to your heart's whispers. . .don't let them turn into screams. I'm a self-sabotaging queen, but I'm finally working through that. I'm letting go of those practices piece by piece. It still shows up every now and again, but I am beginning to recognize it sooner and sooner. It starts with the first step, just like every journey.

    As far as the book goes, DO IT. . . if that feels good. If it doesn't, maybe something else will. But the main intention? FEEL GOOD. Fuck the rest.

    Signing off,