09 January 2015

Just give me a minute...

I need to get some things out...

I love yoga... once I get to the studio... It is really difficult to get there some days -- especially, for me, during the winter. I just want to eat, drink coffee, and hibernate. I bet I've gained 12-15 lbs. since Thanksgiving. As a result...

I feel like a failure a lot these days. Seems like I'm just "treading water" in the room. In some respects, I have regressed -- I couldn't tell you the last time I was able to grab my heels in Hands-to-Feet pose -- mostly because I cannot suck enough of my stomach in. I feel really tense, and extremely inflexible.

It seems like I'm in a fog most of the time. Perhaps it would be better to say I feel like I'm underwater. Every so often, when I can break the surface and take a breath, I can clearly see the things I need to do to better myself -- I can see the path. Then, I sink back down into the everyday, mindless, numbing daily routine. Before I know it, days have passed before I realize I'm right where I was because it is the next time I "break the surface" and realize I haven't done anything -- again. Did that make any sense at all ?

I am thankful for work-study. Twice a week, I get to spend an extra hour in the room while I clean it. More sweat. It's quiet. I can think. It's peaceful. Best two hours of my week sometimes.

I still have horrible eating habits. In some ways it has improved, but not today. Lunch (coffee for  breakfast) was leftover fajitas with way too much rice and tons of chips with almost a pint of hot sauce (all this while watching "Hungry For Change" for the umpteenth time on Netflix). I ate until I couldn't eat anymore, then I ate more, as if I might not eat for a week. When I go to the store, I grab a cookie or two for the drive home. Sometimes I stop at McD's on the way home. I have taken to buying donuts every morning at work... after stopping at another McD's for breakfast and coffee. Food has fully replaced nicotine for me (but at least it is now 11 months since I had a smoke!).

Sometimes, I just want to give up. Quit. Pack it in. Nice try, but you fell short. Get fat and die early like my mom. Smoke my way to pneumonia, cancer, and respiratory failure like some of my relatives. Be diabetic and lose limbs like so many people I've seen.



I can't do that. 
Long way to go.
Just take another step.
One more breath.
One more posture.
One more breath.
One more posture.

#just breathe




  1. Hang in there and fight! One more posture!

  2. As far as yoga goes, you've got a great habit going. Plus, you no longer smoke! :):):):) Both of those are big!

    For me, when I'm in a rut, it helps to try something new and spontaneous that I haven't had the chance to do because something that I don't necessarily enjoy doing has gotten in the way. Whether it's something simple like go to a new book store or visit an old movie theater in a different town, or something more challenging, if I focus on putting time into, I have less time to do the things that I didn't really want to be doing in the first place. Does that make sense?

    Regardless of your pace, keep chugging along. Winters always end! :)

  3. I so relate to this post, you're like my twin. It's tough. Let's prove we're tougher. It may not be pretty or fast, but we'll get there!