Drifting

A long, grinding, tiring 5 weeks finds me here at my desk searching for words. Actually, I've sat here several times but the words never seem to come easily when I'm here. It always seems to be when I'm at work, or doing chores, or in the car... and then by the time I get home, either I've forgotten half of what I wanted to say, or the thoughts I had don't seem to hold the same weight, so I don't bother trying.

Illness and work have kept me from doing much of anything. Sweetie was in bed for most of one week with flu-like symptoms. Then, her father fell ill and stayed with us for the better part of two weeks, followed by a brief stay in hospital. Everyone seems to have rebounded... slowly, but steadily. Work has been difficult to say the least... and it doesn't look like things are going to improve any time soon. I've done some side work for Sweetie's boss to try and save enough for yoga, but it seems some other expense comes up. We had planned to take vacation together but that has gone by the boards. Bottom line is that the days have passed in rapid succession with very little to differentiate one from another.

I read my last post just now with equal parts humor and derision. I love how charged up I get... I'm gonna do this, that, and the other and things are going to get better and I'll actually get to write about my first class back at the studio, or my first attempt at practicing at home, or just how it feels to have 90 minutes to myself to just breathe.

Then, life looks askance at me and slaps me in the back of the head for being so foolish. (For fans of 'NCIS', imagine Gibbs smacking DiNozzo on the back of the head.) 

The truth is this: it has now been just over four months since I took a yoga class. The studio had it's big Grand Opening weekend three weeks ago... by all accounts it was amazing. I saw the photos on Facebook and it looked extremely cool. The new Sumits Hot Yoga is finally open and offering an introductory package: two weeks for $20. Maybe while I'm on vacation next month I can try it.

The worst part of all this is that I am drifting back to the person I was before yoga. No, I'm not smoking (it will be 70 days on Saturday), but I haven't eaten well in weeks. Once again, fast, greasy food is my staple. Just this morning, had fried chicken for breakfast (three pieces), then grabbed coffee and doughnuts at the gas station while running errands, THEN ate a fried pie (chocolate) that I bought when I was buying groceries. All before noon. Lovely. I eat before work. I eat at work. I eat on the way home. Then I eat dinner. All of this is usually washed down with cup after cup of coffee (no sugar, but loads of sweetened, non-dairy creamer). Some Most days I drink no water at all. I try to stay away from soft drinks but sometimes I need that jolt of sugar and caffeine. I don't know how much weight I've gained, but I know I am gaining. My body feels the effects. My back and shoulders are beginning to hurt again like they did before I started yoga. My hips hurt; one knee now has that familiar ache. I have no energy. I procrastinate about the simplest tasks. I just want to sleep. I drag myself through the day; I have trouble sleeping at night. I dream of yoga on some nights... sometimes I'm struggling to do Triangle, sometimes I do a really good floor bow, sometimes I'm just laying there in Savasana. I've even had a couple of dreams where Sweetie and I are teaching. Most of the time, though, there are no dreams... just the sound of the alarm on my cellphone urging me to get up and get ready for work.

On the positive side, I did purchase one of the books I mentioned last time: The Art of Happiness by The Dalai Lama. Sadly, I have yet to crack it open, mainly because I have had little time, but also out of fear that I'm not really going to get anything out of it. I'm sure there will be a lot of wonderful ideas and thoughts, but I never seem to be able to incorporate anything like that in my life. There is always another obstacle, there is always something else that has to be tended to first, there is always another problem that lands at my feet to be solved or fixed. It's taxing to the point where I just give in and set my "self" aside. I truly envy those people that can set aside a space solely for themselves... how do they do it? Is it because money isn't an issue? Or their job is fun and exciting and creative and flexible? Or they prefer to remain alone so they don't have to deal with anyone else? HOW?????  That was the most wonderful thing about going to class -- I had two whole hours set aside for ME!! (Hope that doesn't sound too selfish...)

Um, excuse me. I think I just went off on a rant. We now continue with our regularly scheduled post.

On the same trip to the bookstore, I did find one other book. I spied it on the bargain table right next to the cashier.It is one recommended by many yogis/yoginis. It is the Bhagavad-Gita, part of the Indian epic Mahabarat.

 
  The Gita is a conversation between Lord Krishna and the prince Arjuna prior to the start of a war that will require Arjuna to fight against members of his own family. Krishna (God) speaks to Arjuna about his duties as a prince and as commander of an army. Krishna also talks about yoga, among several other things. I did get a chance one afternoon to sit down and start reading.

Wow.

I had only gotten a few pages in when I did something I've not done since college. I grabbed a highlighter and started marking different passages. I really got sucked in to it. Sadly, I only read about 18 pages when I was called away. I have yet to pick it up. I am hoping that once everything is done for the day, I can pick it back up and restart. In just 18 pages I found so many passages that spoke to me! To wit:

"There was never a time when I did not exist, nor you.... Nor is there any future in which we will cease to be."

"Just as the dweller in this body passes through childhood, youth and old age, so at death he merely passes into another body."

"Feelings of heat and cold, pleasure and pain, are caused by the contact of the senses with their objects. They come and they go, never lasting long. You must accept them."

That is basically one page. I've got to read this from cover to cover!!

Thank you for stopping by and letting me vent. I hope it was worth your time.

Namaste.